Step Mom in Serious Trouble

Are you married to his father? If not, you're not his step-mom just yet.
But I think his father should be dealing with his son's issues of behavior and respect.

I would say you're in trouble on several fronts. You are not the boy's step-mom if you are not married to his father, and until his father lays down the law to him he probably feels no obligation to listen to you. I would be more worried about the fact that his father is ignoring his disrespectful behavior to you.
More important than these things, though, is the fact that you won't get a cent of social security money for your kids if their father dies before he marries you, so you better get that mess straightened out right now. I could care less about marriage, but I can't understand why women expose themselves to the danger of having to provide for children by themselves by having kids before they get married. Just take Mr. Fiance down to city hall and marry him; you can plan a wedding later on, if that's what you want.

How can you be a stepmom if he is your fiance? You are not related at all.
You are his fathers girlfriend and once you got engaged you are now his fiance. I hope you have not been engaged for 4 years.. That is a long time for the children to not know if you are really getting married. It is confusing to them.

Getting respect means you need to give it.
Children need stability. They need honesty and they need to know the rules. They need to know what the expectations are. They also tend to model the behaviors you see? Be sure you are all using respectful words for each other..

What is his home life like at his moms home? Is it stable? Does she allow this behavior? That may be part of the problem. Do you and your husband bicker and speak like this with each other? His son may think this is normal behaviors.

Both you and your fiance need to sit down and make the rules of behavior for your home. You need to ALL follow these rules. There is no back talk, sass talk and if you do not feel something is fair, in a calm and respectful voice, you may share your feelings. The other person needs to listen and consider the other persons feelings.

Each person in the home has responsibilities. Make a list and make sure you all have things you are in charge of. (age appropriate) This is going to take reminders and guidance till you all get into the groove.

Compliment, good work, that they remembered with out being reminded.

And remember each person should be told at least once a day they are loved.

Because of his age I would definitely say he is testing his boundaries. He is hitting the pre-teen stage and getting to feel bigger and more independent. He is also probably starting to understand a bit more about his parents (if birth mom is in the picture) and perhaps feel angry -- of course he would take it out on you.

I would be firm and set clear consequences for back talking and not listening. For example, a 10 minute time out, 24 hours without a special toy (gameboy or something he really likes -- but NOT a comfort object), etc. If you need help enforcing those consequences, turn to his father for help. The father may just not know what to do.

Good luck!

If the father/boyfriend/fiance isn't backing you up NOW? It won't change...i would tell him to start backing you up or the relationship is OVER...

marriage doesn't change a man. so if it's a problem now? it will be later...

Set YOUR boundaries. Set YOUR limits. If he doesn't back you up - leave and do not go back....

WOW!!!! I don't handle kids talking back to me well at all...

Since you aren't married - you say FIANCE - you really aren't a step mom - you are just the dad's girlfriend...

I can tell you that it doesn't matter what boundaries you try and set if you don't have your boyfriend's backing...if you have talked to him about this and his son does this around him and he doesn't stop it, correct it or otherwise do anything about it? He is silently condoning his son's behavior...

HE WILL NOT CHANGE...LEAVE!!! it won't get better...you cannot control him nor force him to change...so you are left with either dealing with this on your own or making the conscious decision to leave because you deserve to be treated better than this.

What does your fiance say when you bring this issue up to him? Has he spoken with his son about what is acceptable behaviour toward you? How does your fiance treat you? Is his son just mimicking his father?

All of the kids need to be taught respectful behavior. Back talk is pretty much something that needs to be nipped in the bud right away. Dad needs to back you up. Have a talk with your b/f so you guys are on the same page as to how you want to raise and discipline the kiddos.

Did you ask about your relationship with your fiance, or about an issue with your fiance's son??? I'm just saying....