Step Mom Disrespecting Me.

Updated on June 10, 2015
K.D. asks from Patchogue, NY
37 answers

recently my daughter's step mom posted comments on face book.
she constantly writes "my daughter....." while I appreciate she loves my daughter... I am her mother.
I am very involved with my children. I would like to privately tell her to stop calling her "my daughter". I feel she should refer to her as her step-daughter. she has stepped on my toes since she started dating my ex,. her now husband. I feel she shouldn't refer to my daughter as hers. how do I politely mention this?
please help

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers


answers from Boston on

I would find it comforting to know someone else loves my child so much. It's endearing.

My stepfather has always looked to me as his own. I've always felt loved by that sentiment.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Bangor on

I had this exact situation several years ago with my son's stepmother. I was able to simply sit down face to face with her and talk about it. Things changed immediately after that.

If you decide to go this route, try to stay calm when talking to her. Explain how you feel and see if there is a happy middle ground you can both live with if she isn't willing to just stop completely. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

I can't imagine calling my step kids "my" kids, even though I love them. They have a mom, and she loves them.
I liked the term "bonus kids."

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers



answers from Dallas on

As the child of MULTIPLE divorces (I've had 3 stepdads), PLEASE step back from this and put your energy into having a healthy relationship with your daughter. Do what you can to co-parent.

You can't change her. You just can't.

DOES she love your daughter? Does she take good care of her when with her?

Love only ADDS. More love does not take away from the love/time you spend with your child. It only feels that way if you let it. Your child KNOWS who you are and what you do. Isn't that what matters?

Be secure in the love you have with and for your child. Let go of the weirdness of the ex & his wife. Be a team to parent your kiddo.

22 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Ugh, please don't make this about YOU, this is about your daughter, who is lucky enough to have two women who love her.
If you don't like seeing these comments just hide the stepmom from your news feed, problem solved, no drama.

21 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

My daughter married a man with 4 children. My daughter refers to them as her children and I refer to them as my grandchildren. In my opinion you are either family or not family, when you marry one of my kids -- you and your kids become part of my family. I don't treat or love them any differently. I do not show favoritism to my 'blood grandkids' over the grandkids of my heart.


They are children and wounds to their heart and spirit can run deep and last a lifetime. I am in no way disrespecting their blood family members; I am simply loving these children.

19 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

ETA: In regard to your edit (I'm not sure why you changed your post), your daughter's other mom calling the child "her daughter" doesn't change your relationship with your daughter. If you are really that insecure about the effect other people's love might have on your relationship with your daughter, you need to look at YOU, not them.

Your daughter is her daughter too. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you come between your daughter and someone who LOVES her...well, shame on you!

Original post.

Yes, you are her mother.

But do you really want your daughter to always feel like an outsider or less-than when she's with her other mom? Just to make YOU feel better? Because what it comes down to is this isn't about you, it's about her. It's about ensuring that she has people who love her. It's about ensuring that she has a family, no matter how many parents she has. And you insisting that her other mom call her "stepdaughter" only places an unnecessary identifier on their relationship...and yours. You think that you insisting that her other mom call her stepdaughter will only affect you and the stepmom? That your daughter won't feel the anxiety and confusion that comes with wishing that everyone would quit b*tching and just be happy? You're wrong.

This isn't a battle worth fighting. You should be utterly thrilled that your daughter has another mom, who isn't replacing you or trying to come between your relationship with your daughter, but loves her so much and is so proud to be a part of her life that she ALSO claims her as her own. That's a blessing, no matter how you look at it.

Please don't start this drama. It's not worth it. Let your daughter's other mom be her other mom. That doesn't take ANYTHING away from you, and only adds to the quality of our daughter's life.

18 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

this is tough.

It hurts you, yet the more important person is your daughter. Some people feel 'less than' when referred to as a 'step' and this could be the motive for this woman referring to her as a daughter instead of a step-daughter.

You can thank Cinderella for this.

17 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I am quite sure everyone on stepmom's facebook knows she did not suddenly give birth to a fully grown child. Stop looking at her facebook pages. That's childish and only inviting yourself to look for things to be upset about.

My mom has married 5 times. My dad's wife sometimes just says "my daughters".... and that's that. We are family. My stepmom is my son's grandma. He doesn't call her 'step-grandma', he calls her Mae Mae like the rest of the grandkids. Consider the long-term implications of focusing on the divisions instead of the whole.

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

From my perspective of never having my stepmom treat me like family - I think you should just ignore this. What is more important is she is bonding with your daughter and is treating her like family. My dad and stepmom married when I was 7 and I am 43 stepmom only considers her two daughters as family and never wants to spend time with us. I grew up with my dad not even spending much time with me, not going to my school functions, not helping me financially with college or a wedding like he did for my stepsisters, and now as an adult he never visits. They only visit my stepsisters. My kids don't really even know them. It's sad. It would have been nice if she had considered me her daughter and had treated me that way. But she never could open up her heart enough. Your daughter will always know who her real mom is...there is no comparison. Don't worry about this.

15 moms found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

As a stepmom myself, I know I do regularly refer to "our kids" or "my kids" when talking about my DD and my two SDs. It's just easier and, honestly, it limits the questions.

I've been in my SDs lives for over 15 years . . . . they were only 1 and 4 when I met and started dating their dad so they don't remember a time without me around. I'm not their biological mom but I have loved, cared for, supported (emotionally, physically and financially) and been there for those girls as I would my own DD. So, I don't feel the least bit bad or wrong calling them "my kids" or "our kids" and fortunately, my SD's mother doesn't either.

Don't let your own insecurities get in the way of what might be a beautiful and meaningful relationship for your daughter.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

My step mom was horrible to me. It was so bad that me and my dad don't have a relationship anymore. She would berate me, treat me like garbage and never tried to form a relationship with me. I was only 12 when she came into my life and I would never wish the treatment I received on anybody. She was mentally ill, abused me and nothing was done about it.
I know my story is the extreme case but trust me that your daughter is so lucky to have another woman in her life that isn't jealous or sees her as a threat.
Try and put your feelings aside and be grateful her step mom loves and accepts her. I would have given anything for that. You have the peace of mind of knowing she's in good hands when your not around. It could be so much worse.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

You gave birth to a lovable kid.
She's so lovable that she's loved by more than just the people who conceived her.
Would you rather she had a combative relationship with her step mother?
Count your blessings!
The more people who love your daughter - the better!
There is nothing that threatens you and your place in your daughters heart.
No one sees you in any derogatory way because the step mom refers to her step child as her daughter.
Please just let it go.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

When my husband and I got married we each had a daughter from previous relationship. We decided we were never going to do the whole "this is my daughter and my stepdaughter thing. All of our children were our children. She is her daughter and how beautiful it is that her relationship with your child is that she does not see that barrier. She loves her and is proud of her (hence the photos on facebook) This is not about you. Unless she posts things like this is my daughter because her mother doesn't care. thats a different thing entirely. I would just be happy that your ex married someone who loves your daughter. and take the high road and let it go.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

It's time for you to view this from a different perspective. You choose to marry someone who has children that ARE'T yours. How can you show them and feel also like they belong to you as you get to know them, study them, and learn them?

How we call others is just as important as how we treat them?

For me this isn't disrespecting you because your kid is clear you are her mom.

I wasn't offended when my son would constantly call his kindergarten teacher mom and then call me by her name when he was home. I just thought that was special he loved her that much and felt that kind of comfortable.

I'm a step mom. My step son came into my life at 14 years old. When I talk about my boys, I consider them both equal. They are my boys, my sons. Sure one is biological and the other a product of my husbands prior marriage but they are both my boys and I would lay down my life for them.

Honestly, this needs to be less about you and more about being accepting that your daughter is being loved by her father's new wife. It certainly must be better than having an "EVIL" stepmother for her. It does take a village and more people loving on you is certainly better than having adults dislike or not claiming you as their own because of their own issues.

Being a step mom can be real tough. Especially when you may have to deal with an unreasonable parent. Please for the sake of your daughter. Let this go unless there is something here you are not sharing with us.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Honestly I think it's petty on your part. You should be grateful that she considers your daughter as her own, and not an outcast or outside family member.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I think what is more important than your feelings is your daughter's feelings. I know if my husband posted about my kids and referred to them as step kids it would make them feel bad. Like they were some neglected character of a fairy tail. Not all kids are like this of course but mine are.

So what does your daughter prefer?

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Albany on

Eeeew. I'm sorry you're going through this. It would make me a little edgy too.

But I think you're gonna have to be big about it. Unless you absolutely know she'll message you back with a sincere, "Omg, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize this bothered you. I won't do it anymore" (and what are the chances? She might do it deliberately to piss you off, who knows?), I think you'd be wise to let it go.

I'm sorry. I know how you feel, it IS a little threatening.

But as long as your kid is treated well while at this woman's house...why rock the boat?


11 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

THAT qualifies as 'disrespect'?
a stepmom so involved with the kids that she treats them like her own?
you have to be pretty self-centered to see this as a bad thing.
there's really no polite way to say 'your solicitousness of my daughter is making me feel inferior. please cater to my shallow values by placing barriers between you and my daughter.'

10 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Let it gooooo....

Don't stir up drama. Just let it go.

She knows she is step mom. She knows you are the mom. Your daughter knows she is a step mom and that you are her mom. So don't worry about what she says or posts on fb. It might be best for you to not see what step mom is posting. It will only fuel the jealousy of the life she has with your ex and daughter.

The best way to deal with this fractured family situation is to think about what is best for your daughter. Your daughter wants peace in her life as her family has been torn apart. She wants the people she loves most to simply get along.

If you talk to the step mom about this it will start the mommy war and that war will rage on forever. The woman knows she is step mom but she is playing house now with the family YOU created with your daughter's father.

You can't change the way step mom acts or talks...all you can do is be at peace with how you will react. I would play nice and save the "talks" for the times there is a real physical or emotional issue.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

ETA: I do not understand why you changed your question. Again, PLEASE do not create unnecessary drama that could negatively effect your child due to your insecurities about her step mom loving her. It is a GOOD thing that she loves your child.. Step mom is not trying to replace you... Please... get some counseling if needed to get you through this.


You asked for opinions, I don't mean to sound rude but this is not about you.. It's about your daughter.

Please reconsider confronting this stepmom who loves and cares for your daughter as her own and creating unwanted drama for everyone involved.

There are a few gems of step parents out there who truly loves and cares for a stepchild. Your daughter has one!!! Be appreciative!!!

Try to find a place in your heart where you can appreciate your daughter being cared for, loved and wanted in her dads home vs being treated like an outcast.

Many of us have been treated like an outcast by our step parents and ex step parents.

Stepmom is not trying to diss you. She's trying to take a situation that is difficult by blending families to make your daughter feel loved and wanted.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I have to agree with the majority. Diane B. said it beautifully. I too am a mom and a step-mom. My oldest daughter had a step-mother as well. Her step mother bad talked me to her from the time she was three, until her and by ex-husband divorced when she was in 6th grade. My daughter has not spoken to her since. She lost all respect for her and knew that she was bad talking me out of insecurity and nothing more.

My step-son's mother has had many issues. I have been in his life since he was 8 (and he is now almost 26). She was into drugs, moved at least twice a year because she was always being evicted, and was always with a new man. He lived with us for the most part (unless she was "single" then she wanted to spend time with him) but, she still kept every penny of child support my husband paid. Now, he has a family of his own and has our first grandchild. He is 5 months old and my step-son's mom has seen him twice (one of those times was in the hospital when he was born). At 45, she is still too wrapped up in her own life to care. I don't ever refer to my step-son as "step". He is my son. His son is my grandson, not my step-grandson. I would never, nor have ever, bad talked his mom to him. I have earned his respect thru the years and he calls me mama. He also calls his mom, "mom". It's not a competition. When her and I are in the same place (like when our grandson was born), we are very nice to each other.
Don't look at it as disrespecting you. Be happy that she loves your daughter. So often, that is not the case.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You know I call my mother in law "mom" and I don't see how that disrespects my own mother. They are both moms to me.
I think this is the same.
Don't be petty, keep your personal feelings out of it, it makes you seem insecure and immature.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

You need to put your daughter first, and for her being called "daughter" rather then "step daughter" is a way to make sure she understands that at dads house she is not loved any less by her other mother just because she is not bio mom. She should not be singled out from any other children (existing or future) as the "step" child while the others are the what? "real" children? I am afraid that you are being over sensitive here, referring to her step daughter as her daughter is in no way disrespectful to you, but making sure to tack that "step" on there most certainly would be disrespectful to your daughter. Like it or not, your daughter has two mothers, that is the nature of things when parents decide to divorce and remarry.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

As a stepmother, I've seen both sides of this. I've been told to call them my children and not dare call them my children. I can't win. I call both my SD and my DD collectively "my girls". It doesn't mean that I don't realize my SD has a mother. It just denotes a closeness with my SD. I don't usually call her just "my daughter" by herself but that is in part because I want "stepchild" to no longer be a dirty word (as it is for so many people). How does your child feel?

Anyway, in this case, I think you need to sit and reflect. You can ask her to stop using "my daughter" but then you should also ask teachers to not refer to your DD as "my kid" because I guarantee you some of them do. My DH often refers to them as "our kids". And if the real issue is personal disagreements with the SM, or with her spouse, then you need to address that vs making your child's relationship with her a hill to die on.

Would I be entirely happy for someone else to call my DD "my daughter?" No. But would I appreciate someone who cared for and loved my daughter in her father's home? Yes.

If there is one thing I wish were different with my sks' childhood it would be less animosity between the adults. I never needed to be BM's best friend. But for her to dig at us constantly actually hurt her children more than it hurt us. The games she played made her DD cry herself to sleep. So think about what you are really upset about and if this is something that really needs to change, or if you do. And if it needs to be addressed with the SM or your ex.

BELIEVE me, I know my sks have a mom. She used to sign things THE MOM (sometimes all caps) as if anyone would forget. It just made her look insecure. I wasn't taking her place. I was just another branch. No one will ever replace you, unless you abdicate your role.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita Falls on

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot control what she says or does, only how you react to it. Unless she is abusive to your daughter, or your daughter states (without your prompting) that she does not like it, then you should leave it alone. If you can develop a healthy working relationship with this woman, then you request maybe a different title for there relationship than mother-daughter, that is still affectionate.

Focus instead on having the healthiest relationship you can with your daughter. She know who her Mom is and she's the only one who important.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I'm gonna go check right now how my daughter's step mom refers to her on FB, as I have not paid particular attention....I'm pretty sure that step mom refers to her as her daughter...and I just 'like' too can share the love!

With that easy attitude, I do get it that the first time it happens, it's a shock to our protective and nurturing natures. When my DD was younger, I was a bit unsettled by the relationship at times, but now fast forward, I see how having multiple, healthy, adult role models has been a huge benefit and blessing!! No mother can ever be replaced.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

You don't. You thank her for loving your daughter as her own, because the more people your daughter has to love her, the happier and more secure your daughter will feel. And that's your highest priority - your daughter's health and happiness, right?

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

As a mom of two wonderful kids (one is grown and has had a stepmom for many years now and was raised by his stepdad (my now ex) and the other is 8 and dad has a girl friend) I respectfully disagree with you. Additionally, I had a stepmom since before I was 11 months old and a stepdad at times. My point being I can see both sides (as the mom and as the child).

While it's important that the step-parent does not try to be/replace the parent, it is wonderful that they consider that child theirs as well. To constantly point out this is my "step-daughter" or this is my "step son" especially once there are bio-kids involved can/will make your daughter or son feel like they are somehow "less than".

I am not saying this to be hard on you but to put this in perspective I am going to ask you...."are you so insecure in your role as "mom" that you would prefer that your daughter feel that she is "less than" so you can feel "more than"?

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Toledo on

Understandable, but not worth it. I would probably feel disrespected, but this is something you just have to let go. You can't control other people. You can only control you.

She is stepping on your toes, but keeping a positive relationship with her is going to be so important now and in the years to come. If you make that request, even if she honors it, she's probably gong to be very hurt, and it could permanently change your relationship.

It's just not worth it.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I think you should let it go, and if it bothers your daughter then she can say something to stepmom.

But it's just a label. You know you are your daughter's mother, and so does your daughter. And a stepmother IS a kind of a mother -- the word "mother" is in the word "stepmother." And the word "daughter" is in the word "stepdaughter."

My daughter, who is away at university, recently told me that she considers one of her teachers to be her "mother" in her current city. Rather than feeling threatened by their relationship, I am happy that my daughter has such a close relationship with another woman and that she has someone local she can turn to if need be.

If this is the only thing stepmom does, it's hardly the worst thing. Be happy she loves your daughter -- it's a reflection of how wonderful your daughter is. I don't think it's worth ruffling feathers over.

ETA I love what Patricia G. says, "Love only ADDS." Very true.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Recently there have been some posts from moms taking things personally.

I think this is a term of endearment and just a way to refer to your daughter. I don't think she is intentionally disrespecting you (not based on what you've said here).

I remember when our old sitter referred to my kids as "My kids" it was a little funny the first time, but then I was thankful that she felt that way.

This is a different situation I get it, and if it's still new or if you have to still adjust, I get it. It most likely would be very odd the first time hearing it. So long as your daughter is ok with it, you should be too.

And you can't really tell people what to do. It doesn't tend to go over well.

Good luck :) I do understand, I think I'd find it weird too. But let it go for now. If I were you I would stop looking at her Facebook. That's just a bad idea.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

You don't mention it. Get over it, could be much worse.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Have you asked your daughter what she wants? What she calls her step mom?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Ugh. Why can't people just use names?
Pretty sure the people that know her KNOW she is her stepdaughter.
Are you on good terms? Can you comment "Hey! She looks just like MY daughter!"?
Otherwise--I'd just let it go.
People are too wrapped up in labels....

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Don't be friends with her on FB

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I am a mom, a step mom and my kids have a step-father and someone their father is involved with.

I completely understand your feelings - I have them myself but I don't tell my kids about it. I vent it to my husband or friends and then let it go. My son blocks his dad's gf b/c she posts and tags him all the time and he says she's too immature. At the same time, I've very careful about using "labels" with my SSs because they do have a mom. You daughter' step-mom is very proud of her and unfortunately it stings seeing that word referring to your daughter, but I think you maybe just let it go or risk creating drama and issues with your relationship.

There was one point where I called my ex b/c something his gf said was really inappropriate referring to our child and he has her remove it and apologized. Otherwise, my kids have said they don't like it when she posts things all the time. But at their ages, that's a battle they have to fight.

2 moms found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions