Step Kids/parents vs Bio Moms Vs. Mil's

I don't think it has anything to do with genetics. Every family has a culture, and when you merge two families you have cultural differences that are often hard to see. I have had no problems with any of my in laws. But, one of my brother's girlfriends had it in for M.. Some people are insecure and compete for love and attention. I don't understand it either...

As for your boyfriend and your daughter - give it time. I use to think you can easily love a child that is not your own but it's not that simple. Don't test him J. give them time for their relationship to develop.

Best wishes to you!

My mom was the evil one. Didn't matter how you were related to her. I never defended her. Now my ex's mom was no fuzzy bunny either but he thought she was perfect, yeah whatever.

I think when you are raised with it it defines our perception of normal. The only reason my mom did get a free ride was we refused to accept her reality as normal, ya know?

So far as steps go, well ya know, I put that all of protection guilt. We got divorced, we did this to our kids, if we do it again it is our fault. I didn't put Troy through hell because the first time Genna threw her arms around him he hugged her back. There was nothing fake or forced, it was perfectly natural like a dad hugging his daughter. Unless I saw evidence to the contrary I J. let it be.

Anyway I think it is less genetics and more about mental health. Some look for trouble, look for flaws, others it pretty much has to seek them out.

I think that it is partly because we have little to no control of their presence in our lives. They are virtual strangers, and we want to welcome them on our terms, but it doesn't always pan out like that.

When we've welcomed somebody into our space on our terms or when we have history with someone, we're more understanding of why that person is who he is, so we can better accept what we consider flaws.

J. M,
I feel like you wrote that post J. for M.!!!!!!My SO and I had an argument J. last night about "the kids".....I have a 9yr old boy from a previous relationship,he has an 11yr old boy and 14yr old girl from a previous relationship and we have a 2yr old boy together.I could write a book about the past seven years and what we have been through but speaking generally about your post,you are 100% right.I will admit that I am guilty of having more patience for my children and after seven years still deal with arguing with my SO about being on my son about "every little thing"but his children rule the house when theyre over,ie;eating on my living room floor,playing video games in the living (instead of up in the play room)opening the refridgerator whenever the mood strikes,while its not so for my son(who has weight issues and has a poor attitude toward adults)which is true,but Ive dealt with his son mocking M.,not wanting to do what we have chosen to do for the day and make it miserable for everyone..not to mention his kids can post up in my living room(all day)while my son will be told to go ride his bike or go out and play..my son cannot use the computer,but his kids jump right on(for hours..and have even changed settings on the damn thing)Do I realize these are petty issues?Yes..Do I know us fighting and CONSTANTLY comparing the older children to one another brings us any closer to being somewhat of a family..absolutly..but in the moment Its very important and does resentment,jealousy,the list goes on...My son has an attitude with him so that doesnt compare to his 14yr old keeping an eye on the baby for THIRTY MINUTES and when I come he is sucking on the deoderizer from the toilet while shes on face book and I dont even get an apology..but we argue for an hour about my son interupting us during a conversation..but how dare I say anything about his two having physical altercation and using horrible language on our front porch with my landlord doing work on the house..theres J. alot of pampering and "convienent blind eye to alot of behavoirs but every breath is analyized when its my son...Im also harder on my son then his because his daughter will refuse to come for the weekend if she doesnt get her way..and I dont like to make things harder then they are for my SO,why cant he do the same for M.?Sometimes I think hes jealous of my son,but I can pamper his kids all day long and its all good.no not really

For M., I get frustrated with my step kids because they are being raised with a different set of rules than my kids. Steps are 14 & 9, mine are 16 and 14. It's not their fault the rules are different - J. are. Their mother has different rules at her house than I had with my kids. For instance, the nine year old regularly brings a toy to the dinner table and wants to play with it while eating. He will put it away when asked, but it really bothers my children because that was J. a household rule. No cell phones, toys, hats, etc. at the table.

It's the same idea with in-laws. Rules and expectations are J. different. You know how to deal with your parents because you've done it all your life and you can tell them how you feel without the same possible reprecussions of damagine your spouses relationship with his/her parents.

I think there's probably more venting on here about in-laws than parents because people are looking for advice on handling another family at the same time needing advice on how to approach it with your spouse. Also, I think sometimes we J. need someone to back us up and tell us we're not nuts and they are justified in feeling how they do.

We have more patience and practice for and with our families. We have the history to strengthen the bonds too - all those tears, all that laughter. The cement that holds it together if you will. Look at all the posts on here about zany family dynamics. Would anyone VOLUNTEER to be a part of the circus? Absolutely not but when it is your family, you are the fifth car in the procession and you accept that implicitly and as your lot. When you marry into it (or are brought into as a child), the dynamic is more difficult because you have to learn all of it AND you still can't make up for the lack of history AND there is baggage.

With that said if there is any ill will for whatever reason(s), then the complexity and possibility for negativity are increased several fold. In my own situation the bitterness is palatable and detrimental to any efforts to overcome it. People can poison relationships if they are determined. I think the more love for a child, the merrier but that’s not a universal sentiment. It’s never fair to ask adults or children to jump through hoops to prove or endure anything. Then again nothing is fair in life. Parents are protective of their children despite what may be spoken aloud or acknowledged by either party. For better or worse comes with higher stakes and higher standards in remarriage and blended families. Unconditional love is the utopia but not often the reality for many reasons.

I get J. as annoyed with my family and mom as my husband's. The difference is that I have healthy boundaries for my family members, and I don't allow them to get away with stuff, and they don't try to get away with stuff. My husband has no boundaries (so, I blame him more than anyone else), and his mother thinks she is above boundaries. If anyone in my family said/did the hateful and dangerous things that my MIL did, they would be gone and/or kept at a far distance. J. as I'm trying to do with MIL.