Step-parenting

When my father re-married, I didn't know what to call "Julie" either, until one day she introduced herself to my friends as "the step-monster" I was like "whoa! I never called you that!" the referance was from the movie St. Elmo's Fire, and ironically enough Demi Moore's character Julie, called her step mother this and even though pretended to loathe her, secretly spent a lot of time with her and loved her dearly.

It became a pet name, and never had any negative connotations.
It's only when I refer to her as Julia that she knows things are rocky.

I allowed y step son to call me by my name, until he was ready to call me mom. I told him right away- that I can be called mom by him, when ever he was ready! I'm mom now. It took ayear or so, but I'm his mom. Good luck.
Kathy N.

I have 2 stepmothers and 1 stepfather. I lived with my first stepmother and father for a while and I lived with my mother and stepfather for years. I always called them by their first names and still do. I love and respect them, but they are not my mother or father. If the children are asked to call you by any other than your first name they may resent you and think you are trying to be their mother. My feeling is the best thing you can do is be their friend and stand your ground as to this is your home and you are the adult therefore there is a line not to cross.

Is there mother alive?

I'm sure you'll get plenty of responses, but here is my two-cent's worth. Don't try to push a name - label. Let them figure it out; they're old enough to do it anyway and trying to choose one for them will sound imposed. You have enough to deal with anyway. I also have a step-mother and I'm married to my son's step-father. Have seen both sides of the coin.

My parents divorced when I was young, so I have two active step-parents and am very close to my step-mom who I call by her fist name. My advice comes from that point of view. Let them call you by your name. For you to try to be "a mom" can confuse and anger them as well as add tension to whatever relationship your husband has with his ex. They're view of you isn't dependant on a name, and to try to force a name on them will be awkward. If they choose to call you something, it will be different experience. Let it happen naturally.

I agree with those who say let the kids choose the name. They are old enough to do this. It gives them a sense of control over the situation and their relationship with you and lets you know that you care about them and their opinion without forcing something they don't feel comfortable with.
In the end it's not what they call you, but how you treat them that counts. Especially if you have your own children. To this day, my stepfather has a different set of "rules" for his children (all over 40) than what he has for my sister and I (in our later 30's). It has caused my sister and I to resent him and to a degree, them, which is a shame.

What about Coach? That's really what a good parent is, anyway. We are here to coach our kids through life, teach them the lessons, and cheer them on. I am not a step-parent, but my husband is step dad to my 16 year old daughter. She calls him by his first name, but her real dad is very in the picture. That also can change the dynamics of everything.

My friend's step children are much younger, but they call her mama______(first name)....................soooo mamaregina? mamareggie? mamagina? God Bless.

Hello, R.:

My mother remarried when she became a widow. I was ten and the oldest of three daughters and in the new family I became the sixth. Yes, we were all girls. It was very hard for me to understand how can anyone with so many children could think of getting married. I had not been in love therefore it was'nt till I was 14 years old that I began to understand my mom. I am 53 years old and I loved my dad (Yes, I am refereing to my step dad.) He was a sweet and gentle man, with lots of wisdom. He never asked to be called anything and he never claimed to be my dad. I have to say that his frienship was far more important for me than his "position" in the family. My mother always thought of him as our dad but I never made the transition. My dad was dead and he was my mother's husband, a respectful and loving husband. Their relation was an example of how marriage should be. An excellent example for me. The wisest thing that my dad did was to confront with mom all dificult situations. If it was a difficult moment he would say: "I will have to speak to your mom about that", and finally a conclusion would be reached. Maybe my dad would have said the same but who knew. Obviously I would not know. Congratulations on your new union! I hope that God gives you and your husband the wisdom to become a beatifull couple. I wish that you can be e great example for your children and all other childrens around you. Show lots of love to them (Even if they push you away)and they will love you back. At difficult times show them more love and respect to one another. Look for the characteristics of adolescents and learn that the kids will be highly critical at this stage. They will be building their own character on the way. This is the person that you want to be proud of in the future. Have fun!

Have you asked the kids what they want to call you?

There are no "guidelines" to be a step-family just family ties.

Love them first. The name will come from them when they are comfortable.

B.
Family Coach
www.TheYummyMommy.com

Dear R.,
I think those kids are very lucky because you are caring enough to be deliberating about these things. My daughters were in HS, MS and el school when they got a step-mom. Neither their father or her were thoughtful about how that went for them and now none of the girls have any relationship with her at all. I don't blame her one bit, it was their father's fault. From the beginning of our separation, each of my girls had their own special daddy time. As soon as he met the future wife, he stopped keeping those dates. Eventually, none of the girls were seeing him at all and none of them attended the wedding. After much heartache and legal wrangling and therapy, they each now see him alone, but not often. He would never have lost them if he had simply made the effort to keep up his special time with them all along. But he got so distracted with his new love, that he blew his kids off. And they now feel deeply that he put her first and they don't trust him and despise her as a result. It is very, very sad. I share this as a cautionary tale. If you and your future husband can be unselfish enough to make sure that his kids always trust that they came first and can never be replaced, life can be good. Keep in mind that their perception will be exaggerated and therefore, the adults need to be even more careful and generous with their decisions. I think the single most important thing is for dad to ask them how they feel and make sure they are getting enough of his time not to resent you. Nothing you do or say will have as much impact on your relationship with them as everything he does and says ABOUT you!!!
Why not ask the kids what they want to call you?
My kids have all said to their therapists in different words something like, "mom always is the same kind of mom whether she has a boyfriend or not, but daddy completely changed when he met Patricia."
I hope this helps.
All the best to you!
: )
S.

As a step parent to two girls, in my humble opinion.....the ONLY thing you should be called is your first name. If their Mom is alive, NOTHING will ever be acceptable. If THEY ask to call you another title, that's great. However, do not think, for one minute, that they will embrace you, lovingly adore you and run into your arms for your advice. As for any kind of authority, you can offer your opinion, but their father should do any major parenting.At best, if you get their respect as a good friend of theirs, you have been successful. If there is any behavior challenges, leave that to your husband or they will HATE you.

Wow, it is a "respect" issue.

A person has only 1 Mom and 1 Dad. Unless a parent is deceased or unknown should a step-parent be called mom or dad.

I am on 10 years now of having to deal with my youngest daughter calling her step-mom, "Mom". The older two refused. It hurts immensely. I am my daughter’s mother that never stopped. I am in her life and provide for her.
It is only out of spite, that my Ex-husband and his wife MADE my youngest daughter call her Mom", because she lived with them.
My step-daughter asked if she could call me "Mom" when she was with me. As much as I enjoyed the consideration, I told her "No". That her mom was still alive, and it would be disrespectful to her mother for her to do so. So she calls me by my first name, no problem.

Then on the other side, she call her step-dad, "Dad" and it is very offending to her father and embarrassing when she tells other people stories and events about what she and her "dad" and Mom have done/gone/did...people get confused as to who she is talking about...her real dad or her step-dad.

My parents were divorced and I NEVER called my step-dad, "Dad". It was and is disrespectful of their other parent.

They can start by calling you R.. Isn't that your name?! My step-kids (and I have 3 as well) call me by my given name. Any other seems contrived & not very sincere. The respect, the authoritative manner in which you seek comes from actions, not a title. My step-kids' have a step-father whom they refer to as a made-up name that sounds all-too like Daddy ----. And it absolutely kills my husband, who is their father. I can't imagine how I would feel if my own child (we now have one of our own) referred to another woman with a moniker that resembled a name like MOM.
The easy rapport, the ability to be approachable & a stable force in your step-childrens' lives can happen, but do it slow & steady. Once you march down the aisle & then demand for them to call you by a new name sounds like a familiar fairy tale to me. They don't refer to us a wicked step-mothers for nothing!!!! Be sweet & they will come. Be firm & consistant & they will love & respect you.
Take it from someone who knows.

R., when my mother remarried, I was 5 years old. My mother's relationship with my real father was, and is very bad. When she remarried, she "forced" me to call my step father, "daddy." I hated calling him daddy because as young as I was at the time, I knew he was not my daddy. I already had one. Over time, I grew to not only resent my mother, but also my step father for not giving me permission to call him something that felt more comfortable to me. Today I am 36 and have a non existent relationship with my real father. I have more respect for my step dad today than I ever did before.
My point is that you must not force your step children to call you mom. Sit down with your fiance and explain to the children that you will play a motherly role for them but that you will not and can never replace their mother. Give them permission to call you mom or by your first name. Let them know that it is OK for them to not want to call you mom. In time, this will change. They will feel more comfortable with you and calling you mom, if they choose to, will come naturally. Never force the issue. They shouldn't be made to feel that they must call you mom if they want to talk to you. Always be approachable for them and they will learn to trust you in time. It takes time. It took years for me to comfortably call my step dad "dad" without it feeling foreign to me. Many blessings to you and your upcoming wedding.

I just published my book, "Wisdom on Stepparenting: How to Succeed Where Others Fail" on Amazon. I think it can be really helpful to those starting out or needing some perspective. Am I allowed to announce that here or provide a link? Anyone know? Especially when someone is asking for advise?
Thank you.
D. W

this might help?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Stepping-Blended_Families/?...

I love yahoo groups!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/stepfamilyhelppagenewslette...

How about mamagene. It clearly gives you mom rights but also has your name in it. My nephew calls me mamacarrie which is my name because I have helped raise him since he was an infant. It works well and I love having the title. Hope this helps and let me know what you come up with. I have 3 of my own kids and life is always busy, sometimes crazy but usually fun and rewarding. GOOD LUCK, Carrie