"Step-Mom" Help

If she's failing 4 out of 6 classes you all have to realize that she needs more than just "step-mom" help. She's showing classic signs of depression so counseling, individual and family, is a great first step. Try to remember that she is a 17 year old girl who is likely suffering from an illness and her behavior stems from being ill not from a concious of choice.

Hi, A..

Maybe you need a bit of help through counseling. Has she always been this way... or is this something new? If new, maybe drugs are involved. What is her social life like... does she hang around with questionable people? I have found in the past that drugs cause a change in behavior and makes the person not really caring about much of anything. I wish you the best.

17 years old is a tough time to have much impact in the best of circumstances. If she has self-esteem issues and doesn't know how to care for herself, then more negative attention will probably just reinforce those feelings and give her an easy focus of resentment (you), when the origins of the problems are far deeper.

That being said, with my teenage daughter I've found that taking an "aikido" approach works really well.

For example, she was getting into grunge clothing, and so I took her to Haight Street in San Francisco and we hit all the second-hand clothing and grunge shops. She bought a lot of stuff (it's all under $20). Then we made a duct-tape dummy (Google it) of her body, and she started "customizing" the clothes we bought on the sewing machine. The stuff is really creative (if a little bit dark for my tastes.)

We also make regular after-school dates to go to the nail salon, yoga studio, and get facials and the occasional massage. It puts her in the way of new norms (from both the staff and other women she sees there), but doesn't seem critical, because we both get pampered.

I guess for me it is an approach that has real benefits for her, but also sets up a pattern for an adult "girls" relationship for the two of us going forward.

Hi, I'm a step-mom too. I was also a step-mom in my first marriage. And my first step-son's misbehavior was certainly part of the reason the marriage failed. It wasn't until that marriage was over that a family therapist got really honest with me. He said that I had been in an impossible situation all along and the only way that I could have managed was by staying out of it. It's hard to not engage, especially when there's a child in trouble. But, you can't fix her -- it's really admirable that you've tried so hard. She is your husband's daughter and his responsibility and you've only got one year left. Focus on your husband and supporting him as he deals with this incredibly painful situation with his daughter. You're going to outlast her and she'll be out of the house soon enough. I remember how angry I was when I first got this advice (because I found it so cold-hearted), and I've found it hard to follow in my second marriage (!!), but it is really helpful, and a relief, to step aside and let go of that feeling of responsibility when you have no real authority anyway. Try to find other things to do that get you out of the house when she's around (though between your job and school you must not be around too much!); either leave her stuff where it is, or stick it all in one place that's convenient for you (but don't make a big deal out of it), and generally act like a pleasant hostess. That is, stay out of power struggles with this troubled girl. If you can emotionally detach (way easier said than done) and just step aside, your time with your husband can be about the 2 of you intead of always focusing on his daughter.

It's a tough situation, and the only thing you can really change is your reaction to it. I really do wish you the best of luck -- there's just so much pain in these kinds of situations.

L.

Hi A. Y,
You are obviously very concerned for your step daughter, and my heart goes out to you. Adolescence is a challgening time for the child and the parent. In your case, it seems you also have the extra pressure of managing the relationship with her Dad and your husband - which is delicate and complex.

You might want to discuss the possibility of getting some counseling help for your step daughter. Try to get your husband to consider your point of view, not as a criticism of his child, but as an "investment in her". His daughter won't necessarily welcome it (at this time in her life), because our teens are wired to push adults away. Our job as parents is to stay connected anyway - and help them earn their independence with some structure and guidance, as this is your desire. This is a lot easier said than done. Especially in today's society where the kids are overwhelmed with so much information and expectations. It's hard to know what is going on in their heads. Getting them to talk about their feelings is the very first step. And if they are not expressing them to their parents, then try to get a counselor they trust (or another family member or someone you trust) that they can share their feelings and explore options for how to work through them. Until your teen believes that she is heard by you and your husband, I mean really understood - not judged or simply trying to be managed, she will resist attempts to redirect her habits and behaviors.

Also, I recommend an excellent book called: Why do they Act that way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen, by David Walsh. It is very helpful. Provides good insight for parents dealing with some of the challenging behaviors our teens can display. One of the key premises of the book is that the frontal portion of the brain (pre-frontal cortex) is not fully developed - this is the portion of the brain that is responsible for judgement, weighing consequences, etc. Because this portion of the brain is the last to develop, our teens NEED guideance and some oversight (not hovering, but oversight).

I have written some articles about dealing with teens. If you want met to forward them to you, I can be reached at ____@____.com have a good heart. I wish you and your family all the best.

Yours truly,
J.

A little about me: I am a mother of 2 boys 24 and 17 years old. I am the creator and editor of Banana Moments: Insights and Lessons Learned for Parenting in the 21st Century (www.bananamoments.com)

Hi A. -

I am not a stepmom, but I am the mom of a 17 year old boy that has given me a run for my money the last year and a half. My son is getting D's in almost all of his classes, he wants to play computer games all day long and doesn't have a lot of ambition that I can see. He is sometimes very nice to family members, but can change on a dime and be very mean or destructive. I have had issues of resentment with him as well.

This sounds rooted in your step-daughter's low self esteem - How can your step-daughter care about anyone else, when she can't even care about herself? And you can't make anyone care about themselves - you can influence them and provide opportunities, but they have to get that one themselves and internalize it.

First of all - make the relationship with her father the important thing - don't let her divide and conquer here. Let her see that you value this relationship more than you dislike her behavior.

Another thing you can immediately do, is to not criticize your step-daughter, or say anything negative to her or about her, unless she is an immediate danger to herself or others.
Start by deliberately noticing ANYTHING positive - no matter how small or insignificant - and compliment her about it. The one time she takes a shower, tell her how nice she looks. That's it. Nothing else. If she comes home on time from being out, tell her how much you appreciate it that she is home on time, and that you missed her. Nothing else. If she gets a D instead of an F on an assignment or a test, congratulate her on the improvement and tell her that you knew she could do it. If she picks up one time after herself, notice it, and tell her thank you - you really appreciate that. If all you can tell her is 'great breathing' - then tell her that.

After a while, she will start to trust you - and then she will start to believe you. Right now it sounds like she trusts no one and doesn't believe anything anyone says. Right now she is looking for confirmation that she is worthless - don't give her that. Don't worry about her appearance right now -

Start to give her opportunities for accomplishment - for example, tell her you need help planting a garden - ask her if she could help you out there - leaving her the choice. Then spend the time with her doing it if she accepts. Tell her that you were thinking of taking piano lessons, and that you don't want to do it alone - would she do it with you?
Tell her that you were thinking of redoing her room (paint, make curtains, etc.) - would she like to help you with that?
All of this takes time, but pays back in dividends.

Meanwhile, I would have certain things in reserve to be earned (you might need her father's buy-in on some of these) - car privileges, curfew privileges, favorite outing or restaurant privileges - not to be 'taken away', but to be earned. Let her know that her good behavior is worth something in the emotional economy of your family.

These are just some things that have helped me with my son. Whether children are your natural children or not, a relationship is not automatic in their teenage years - it needs to be built or rebuilt - sometimes that is harder than othertimes with certain kids - your heart seems to be in the right place - ! Know that your step-daughter is fully equipped to figure this out - let it take the time that it needs - though it is hard to be patient and not bugged all the time - I have been there-! (Still AM there some of the time....sigh.. :)

Good Luck!

Its not just a "step mom" thing.. I am a mother to a 14yr old girl and she does the same stupid stuff with no reason as to why. I have even met with her school counselor, and even a real therapist to no avail.. Just let her be, someone will tell her she stinks, her teeth are yellow and then when she gets retained then maybe she will shape up. The best way to show her how bad she is looking is to take pictures when she is smiling,playin or just out n about.. My oldest noticed her teeth were yellow and now they are the whitest i have ever seen. She also noticed her hair was way way greasy in school photos and now i cant keep her out of the shower. She will change, it will happen..
Just be patient.. Dont get me wrong she is still anitsocial and chills in her room but she has come around and yours will too..

As for her dad.. Let him live in denial, someone he knows will mention things about his daughter and then he will be forced to take a closer look without yellin at you or becoming defensive..
Take care

A.,
I'm not a step mom, but my husband is a step dad. The mistake I made when we got married was allowing him to co-parent. My daughter was 16 when we married, she has a father, although he provided no parental guidance, she did not need another father. She looked to me for all of her parental guidance. My husband always had something to say about her behavior, grades, etc and like your husband I always took offense to his remarks. What she needed from my husband was an ally (not a friend), but someone who gave it to her straight, didn't interfere when I was parenting, provide advice when asked. It took a very stressful set of incidences for me to realize that my husband needed to take a 10 steps back and allow me to be the "bad guy." I figured she would let go of any anger or resentment toward me faster and easier, than she would for my husband. If he disciplined her in any way, it would just be all bad, then I would be caught in the middle forced to take sides and no matter what choice I made I would be at odds with either of them.
I understand what you are trying to do, so try not to parent. Allow your husband to take on that job and you assume the role as the impartial adviser. Discuss matters with your husband privately and allow him to deliver the decisions, so that you are always a united front.

A.,
We have had to set up consequences for our children who are all teenagers. If they don't shower, they can't watch
tv. If they don't clean their room, they don't get to have their mp3 players. Start putting her clutter on the bed she sleeps in. Our oldest recently lost some electronic gear from her room because she would not keep her room clean and she was watching tv instead of doing her homework. DO weekly grade checks on her at the school.
If the work is not completed, then she is grounded for the
week, or longer, your choice. Tell your mate that you both need to be on the same page, that it will not be easy,
but does he really want his daughter to fail this many classes? Ask him what his life consequences are, like if he does not work, he can't make the mortgage. Then maybe he will get the point that everyone has consequences, and they will for the rest of thier lives. I hope this helps,
I know it is hard, my husband has had to really start stepping it up lately, because he was letting the kids get away with way too much stuff, and I was issuing all of the punishments. Not fair at all. If he wants to make things work with you, and her, he needs to come around.
W.

It sounds to me like this is a BIG deal. I think you should talk to her father.

I am in the middle of reading an amazing book called 'The Five Love Languages of Teenagers' and it really helped me with my boys(I have 14 year old twins) and we have a mixed family, my husband is NOT their birth father, but even in times of conflict, he lets them know that he loves them unconditionally regardless of his relationship with me. I think the hardest thing is to remember that if you are having this hard of a time with all of this at your age and all the life lessons you have already been through imagine how hard all of this is on her. The family has been together for 5 years and those five years for her are very important and VERy hard growing years. Sounds like she is trying to reach out through her actions and NO ONE is there to help her because they are afraid of what it can do to another relationship, I feel it is very important to seperate our roles-when you discuss anything regarding your step daughter with your husband you are talking to him as her mother and not as his wife because that is the situation that needs help at the time and if you and your husband are NOT working through these issues together for the best outcome for your daughter then what example is that for her? I do not want to sound mean or rude, but I think you need to realize that it is not your step-daughter who is giving you anxiety attacks, it is how YOU are or are not choosing to deal with the situations as they arise and it sounds like there are other issues that are getting in the way of your relationship with her father, it seems like there is a fear of being honest with him for starters.

Hi A.,
It seems like it would be good to try and talk to your husband about it, because it must bother him somewhat as well. What about getting her some cool shower gels and hair products to encourage the showering? Has she had a haircut in awhile? Maybe a visit to a salon would give her a boost with the self esteem. As far as the bad grades and being dishonest, that is tough. It seems like that stuff doesn't start overnight and needs to be dealt with with her dad too. It sounds like counseling would be a good thing, but you first have to express your feelings with her dad. I hope things start to look up soon! I know that being the stepmom has got to make it more difficult, but it sounds like you are trying to put her best interest first. Good luck!

Well A., I want to keep you encourage because I don't think your step daughter is during any of this to hurt you if so your relationship with your husband would've been over a long time ago, sounds like she needs help. She sounds depress and being a teenager is really hard and it's a lot of peer pressure. I know you really don't want to talk to your husband but you really need to talk to him for the benefit of the child. I think you should focus on the family as a whole because if your stepdaughter is going through something she will need the entire family to help see her through. A good start is with scheduling appointments with the school to find out what's going on with her. I agree 100% with you with the hygiene as well as keeping things not clean, cleaniness is a must. I really don't think you should be beating yourself up or your husband up over this because there is a problem and it's your child crying out for help. I didn't you hear you say anything about the mother so it sounds like she's with you full time, if not then her mother needs to be involve. Good luck with whatever you decide.

After recently leaving an 11-year relationship/marriage with the role of step-mom; I learned a lot about co-parenting and what worked and what didn't.

We had the reverse problem. HE (step-dad) was unsuccessfully trying to raise/disipline/relate to my daughter. His parenting was polar opposite from mine and that was the beginning of the end. Being the "real" parent, I realized what a dis-service we did the children (his from his prev. marriage was the same age/opposite sex) by getting married.

I believe if we knew then what we know now, we would not have gotten married. We thought we'd be different and blending our only children together with lot's of love would be enough. NOT... I'm so sad for all of us and the loss.

My advice: Seek counseling. Alone/together/as a family - it won't hurt. Caution: Do NOT assume that your husband or step-daughter sees this behavior as a problem as you do AND don't wait for them to agree to seek counseling with you. Go yourself. You just need some tools and validation. Kids this age are purposfully irritating. Not showering, blowing curfew, messy rooms we can't even walk through - just close the door... and realize that some parents do overcompensate for the void of the original family unit by over indulging the child by not holding them accountable for their actions and choices.

If you and he don't agree or stand united on the topic of discipline - STAY out of it. This young girl WILL grow up and out of these silly stages and bad habits. Peer pressure may be the teacher for some and the life experience the other...

Kids don't choose to come from divorce and they also don't choose to inherit new parents. This step-daughter has many hidden fears and resentments that you may never know the extent of. Her unfolding may not happen until her 20's or 30's! Just hold the space for her to mature and allow practical consequences to be her teacher. My daughter is almost 18 and I'm ready for her to go out on her own and off to college!! I'm done parenting now ~ she was done being parented two years ago...

All the best, and keep being the consistant (silent) supporter and don't get too attached to her outcome.

C. P

A. I am a mom and a step mom. My step boys are grown up now but I went thru it with my oldest step son (22) and went thru that with my own daughter (15) for a short period of time.
I highly recommend a parenting class called Parent Project. Check it out online and ask you school if they provide it.
In the mean time you and your husband need to agree on the fact that there is an issue. Explain to him that your seeing a child that is not living up to her full potential and that you as a mom and as a woman need to her help and guide her thru this difficult time and all your asking for is for him to back you up. Try to find out why he feels that she is "fine" and doesn't need help?
Once you have openly discussed this with him sit down and come with a plan on what expectations you have of her and then discuss them openly with both dad and daughter and then enforce them.
You can't change her you can only change her environment and then she will follow.
My daughter lived with her dad for many years and when she came to live with me her self estem was low, she didn't take care of herself. it took about 8 months or so and now I have created a monster who won't even run with me to the store for milk without everything being in place...
Good luck

Hi A.,
The hardest thing we can ever do is raise teenagers! It doesn't help when Dad gets defensive, I can certainly vouch for that! You didn't say where her natural mother fits in. I'll assume she's out of the picture. Wa-la, you're on your own!
I think you may have hit the right spot when you said she has low self-esteem. Does she also have weight, appearance, athletic or learning issues? If her low self-esteem is caused by one or more of these items it may be best to -gently- increase her overall attitude by giving her a sense of success in these areas. Afterall, as we have experienced ourselves, when 1 or more areas of our lives gets frustrating, it is -very- difficult to just keep a smiling face and sparkling attitude for the rest of our 'stuff'.
Given you have a busy schedule it may be particularly difficult to spend any lengthy amount of time with her. And, this may also have some impact on how you feel about the things she -doesn't- do around the house (and for herself) as it would be less stressful for you not to have to address these issues, given your limited bandwidth.
I would suggest, and it may be difficult, to have a -short- conversation with her, without distractions -- like hubby, pet, etc., and in a neutral place (not her bedroom or yours), to meet some initial compromises. Like -- If you pick-up her stuff around the house and put it in 1 bin in her room, how often will she be willing to sort through it and put the stuff away? (The question = buy in and commitment.) Naturally, I realize this gives you something extra to do. However, it also accomplishes a couple of things -- you get the clutter cleared, she learns a little responsibility. If she does not clear out the bin in a timely fashion, don't scold her. Ask her what she'd like you to do with it. If she says, 'I don't care', gently let her know the items will be next to the bin. (Note: Do not say, "I'll dump them..." As this will indicate a lack of caring.) Keep re-filling the bin. If her room fills up, well, it's her room. However, if you believe in the reward system (and I believe it can be a great motivator!), when you have the compromise conversation suggest you will give her something each time she cleans out the bin. Ask her what she'd like that to be. (A privilege, $5. whatever -- the idea is to give her a sense of responsibility and accomplishment.)
There's no question this whole thing will be slow going. However, it sounds like you are sincerely concerned about her. And, I'm thinking a non-bathing, non-brushing person may have health and lack of friends issues, so she may really NEED some guidance. How can you -not- want to help her? She sounds depressed. If you don't do something, what then?
Bottom-line: If you make it about -her- and not what's easy for you, it will eventually pay off for everyone. Patience. Consistency. Understanding. AND - lots of luck, A.!
K.

Counseling! Your step-daughter obviously has self-esteem issues, but not knowing the whole story, it also sounds like her father isn't stepping up to the plate to make sure she is a responsible, healthy human being.

Unfortunately, being the "2nd mom" in the picture, he is the one who has to lay down the law and make your position in the household known. If you are to be an equal, he needs to let everyone know you are an equal.

Counseling would be beneficial for the whole family. Having group sessions on how to behave like a family, and one on one sessions for your step-daughter with a professional will help her. She is at risk of dropping out/failing high school and that can alter her future path. Have you talked to her school counselor? Ask for help there first. If that doesn't work, get a referral to a Marriage and Family Therapist in your area.

And if this causes BIG problems with your husband, then even more reason for the family counseling. He needs to see there is a problem before he pushes you away and loses his daughter. Be strong and know there is help out there.

Good luck!

Hi A.!

I have been a stepmom for 13 years. I am FULLY aware of your situation. THANK GOD my stepdaughter is now 22, and is becoming more responsible, and much more respectful now.

FIRST...Your posting actually "triggers" a lengthy response" from me. Being a stepmom is VERY difficult to adjust to, especially when it can easily cause trouble with our spouse.

Second....Your stepdaughter is definitely trying to get under your skin. "What are you gonna do about it?" She's thinking inside.....

Third...She sounds depressed, and not just trying to get at you and cause trouble. I've had to deal with a depressed 15 yr old stepdaughter, and I recognize the signs.

By the way, it is a normal daily happening (especially for girls) to cause trouble with their stepmom. Afterall, you're the one taking her daddy's attention from her.

I would love to help you, if I can, through all this. I believe that I am one of the "lucky one's" to have survived being a stepmom and producing a blended family. My stepkids will call me on their own now, just to say HI. Can you imagine your stepdaughter doing that one day? Neither could I, but I HOPED for it, and that's a good start for you.

Please respond back to me, I have so much more to focus on for you. I really believe that this is one of the postings that I can truly help :o)

N.

No one should be able to get int the way of your relationship w/ your husband. I do understand the dynamics of step parents, so I know it can be tricky, but your relationship w/ him must come first (regardless of what the teenager is doing.)
First make a list of issues you want to address w/ her and then sit your husband down and calmly talk about solutions. You HAVE to talk to him about it. You guys are a team. If you try to take her on w/out him, he may try to undermine your efforts. You must both be on the same page.
That being said - she really sounds depressed (which many teenagers are.) First get her some counseling.
Then set up a plan.
With teenagers (and all kids) you need to pick your battles. Failing school should be unacceptable. You have a job and no doubt are contributing to the family. Her job is to go to school and pull decent grades. There needs to be a consequence set up for her if she's not pulling her weight.
Hygiene... I don't know about this one. This might be futile.
Clutter must also have consequences. I stared a tally sheet for the kids and charge them a quarter for every piece of their stuff I pick up. That has really made them more careful about where they put their stuff.
There should be consequences for dishonesty as well - talk w/ you husband about suitable consequences.
Low self-esteem is tricky. Try to look for the good in her and encourage those qualities. Tell her she looks pretty after she's bathed. Does she like art? Sports? Try to get her involved in stuff she likes to do. It will build her self-esteem and once she's feeling better about herself her behavior will be much better.
Good luck :)

Hi A.,

I am a "step-mom" too. Blending families is very difficult. Our children blended like oil and water.

I am a Christian and I believe very much in prayer. So this is the first place I go. Matthew 22:21 " If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer"." (this is not the Santa Claus get it or do it for me list). God knows our motives and we must come in line with His will. He would like her to be all she can be too.

Nothing is too difficult for God. You may not see immediate changes but God is always working behind the scenes on our behalf. You may not see that much change in her, yet you will have more peace about your circumstances. God will do a work in her as He sees fit.

The one thing I do is love them unconditionally. Not by their performance level. You still need to set clear boundaries though.

The other thing is to look for things to catch her in that are good. When you see anything positive write her a sincere note praising a character quality of hers. Ie. creativity, thoughtfulness, being passionate about something,
caring (maybe there is an animal she is caring toward), hard worker, enthusiatic, funny, cheerful, encouraging, helpful, concerned, sincere, honesty, a team player, perserveres (at least keeps trying), etc. A gang leader has leadership possibilies, Grafitti (creative), consistent ( recruits his members) : ) I know it is hard to catch some kids doing anything good. Think REALLY hard, okay. She may not say anything about it or may say how lame you are, but keep doing it and love her, warts and all. Pray for her. Not to change her but for God to bless her and show her she has value. That is what she needs, is to know she is a valuable person, warts and all. Being 17 is hard. You will both live through this time.

Sincerly,

D. B.

Issues come in al sizes. You must forgive, or a root of bitterness wil grow up in your heart and it will choke you as a person, a wife, a mother. Forgiveness does not mean what other people do was okay or that you are excusing it; just that you will forgive, because that is what you must do.

Make some time to listen to her. At first she probably won't be very responsive maybe even snotty but keep finding a few minutes here and there to JUST LISTEN. Seriously, do not comment back, do not make a judgement or even a statement. These are not conversations. This is to build trust, to show her some respect and it will take awhile but she will give you respect in return.

Teenagers are still children (wether they believe it or not)and they still need parenting but their needs are changing. I knw this from experience. I am also a step mother of teenagers!

Of course you have to enforce your families rules and expectations for behavior but I have found that little acts of kindness go a long way, after all , we are the adults in the situation and we set the example. Do not expect immediate results and do not allow yourself to be mistreated. With my 13 year old daughter, I ALMOST get a smile if i tell her I like her outfit.

Remember BEING a teenager? Every adult in your life, whom you feel doesn't know you at all, from your extended family to school counselors to friends parents etc. is telling you that they are "here for you" Kids need someone to SHOW them that they are for real.

Lastly, I would suggest you find some time for yourself.And maybe a bit for you and your husband alone. I'm no expert but i do know the life that you've described.

This girl is depressed. That is my guess, having been a depressed 17 year old girl myself about 17 years ago. I can also guess that there are long standing other issues, probably from before your marriage that may weigh her down, along with having a wicked stepmom (you are not wicked, but in a childs eyes, any step-parental figure often is--it's not their fault, its just how things are...remember labyrinth? when i saw that movie as a kid i thought those parents were so mean to yell at that girl and make her stay and watch the baby, when i watch it now, i see that the girl is a whiner...but i digress)

anyway, i think your step daughter needs help. when i began failing several grades after being a straight a student my parents offered a tutor. i needed a counselor. please, find a way to overlook your displeasure with her and consider she is lost and confused. bad hygiene at 17 probably also indicates a lack of friends. likely she is teased, shunned, or worse at school.

i hesitate to project too much, but my gut tells me to strongly advise you to care for her mental health. find a councilor or therapist. it may take a couple before she finds the right fit. encourage a hobby. give positive rewards and not punitive punishments. and for heavens sake, if she is grounded right now, or often, please please consider a different method.

she can't grow socially if she can't socialize.

there is so much more i would say, i wish you both the best of luck. yours is one of the toughest roles in the world.

You first MUST have the support of her father. Then I used the saying, "If you can't live by our rules, you must live elsewhere". Tough love is what's needed and her daddy needs to step up and be a father. Rules are imperative and must be followed. Consistency from adults is a must.

I speak from experience.

Hmmm, I smell a fish. Search her room to make sure she has not become involved in drugs. This has red flags all over it. Follow your instincts. Good Luck!

Hi A.,

I am sorry for this very difficult situation you are experiencing. Relationships don't disolve because of the children but because adults don't take responsibilty for the situation. You sound like you are at your "wits end" and your SD sounds severely depressed. When one does not care about themself they are not able to receive, yours or anyones, gifts of help and guidance no matter how well-intentioned. The best gift you and your husband have to give right now is one of clarity and unity. Your husband must get out of his fog. Counseling is definitely needed. You sound like a wonderful lady with loving/good intentions. There is an enormous opportunity being presented for both of you to provide your SD with valuable gifts that will carry her throughout her life.

I have a necklace I wear with, what I think is, a beautiful saying. It goes like this:

The most beautiful stones have been washed by the waters and polished to brillance by life's strongest storms. -anonymous

Yes, the storms can really stink, but learning from and surviving them are what help make us who we are. I think your SD is fortunate to have a Parent Figure who cares about her as you do, it says a lot about the person you are.
I wish you all strength, clarity and unity.

It sounds like she may be a hard one to like, but you should not say anything of the sort to your husband. Remember she is still a kid, and has had a hard time of it. Love and praise her as much as possible, and if you don't actually feel it, fake it. You don't say where her mother is but she sounds like she really needs mothering. I have found that kids like that actually respond to being "babied" -- to talk to them and give them the kind of love in the way that you would a very young child. They have usually not received that kind of attention in their lives.

You do have the right to expect her to pick up her stuff and bathe. I would send her to the shower and to brush her teeth, if I were you. Good luck.

First I really think you need to discuss this with your husband. He needs to understand that you and him are being disrespected in your house.

I have four step children ranging in age from 12 to 19 years old. The three that are currently living with me and going to school are not doing great in school. It's hard not to be disappointed and frustrated with them because you want them to do better with themselves. With us it really depends on which child is having the problem. My husband deals with some of the children better than I do. So he gets to take care of the two that he relates with better and I get to take care of the other two that I relate better with. The two that have had hygiene problems are the ones he deals with. They are much better now but there was a time when I had really bad BO in the house all the time. I finally had to tell them that a shower had to be taken at least once a day (or even every other day) and deoderant needed to be used by everyone! It took several heart to heart conversations with them but I had to tell them that everyone smells if they don't do these things and not many people want to be with people who smell bad. For one of my children I had to bring her into work to meet someone that I work with who has lost most of their teeth and so when they smile they have about 8 teeth in front (two of which are about to go too) and then the back teeth are missing (I have no idea how this person eats!). That made an impression as well. I have had no problems at all getting her to brush her teeth anymore.

I am not sure if that helped at all. Sometimes I have to step away from the situation for a period of time to get another perspective (or just to give myself a timeout before doing/saying something wrong).

Good Luck.

A.,
I am a step-mom as well, but my skids (step-kids) are younger than yours. I joined a Yahoo group called Step-Moms that has been an awesome place to get advice - and give it too! I highly recommend joining the group for support.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/step-moms/

Take care,
Taunia

As a former step-daughter it sounds to me that she is looking for attention. Sometimes parents do a dis-service to kids when re-marrying. Just as you feel resentment towards her she most likely feels the same for you. You came in her life at least 5 years ago and divided her dad's attention from raising her. His first priority should be to his child and then to your relationship. Sometimes when we blend families no one takes notice of how unhappy a child is in the situation until they begin acting out. She'll be 18 soon but it sounds like there's been issues that should've been addressed when you were first married.

Hi I am not a step-mom but I have one and had a step-dad. I am also helping take care of my 18 year old brother-in-law. So i might be able to help to give you both sides if you want it. the only information that i can help with at this point with out knowing more of the "issues" is...
...dishonest
Hector my brother-in-law is being very dishonest too and I mad him do extra chores that he hates until he can come back to me and tell me the truth about what happen. Sometimes he would tell me sooner than others. He is still picking up dog poop in the back yard because he doesn't want to tell the truth on a subject, maybe i should up the chore for that one. As for me I went to my step-mom and told her the truth not my dad. I think it is because she didn't punish me for coming to her and taking to her. She only said well let work it out. And for somethings she kept a secret from my dad and we would work the problems out between her and I. Maybe that is why i was not dishonest to her and just my dad.
...school
Hector is also not caring about school by skipping and not even trying. In fact that is why i am taking care of him now is because his mother couldn't help him any more. I know that you want her to graduate but you seem to be between a rock and a hard place. I would let her do her schooling how she wants and if she clues in down the road that she messed up big time then she can get her GED or go back to high school. I messed up in high school and went back and i graduated fat and pregnant but i did it for my self. I didn't need my mom pushing me i wanted it and i didn't care that i was 8 months pregnant. I wanted my diploma and i got it. When someone wants something bad enough they will work for it. As for Hector I was mean I told him Fine don't waste my time or his. Get a job you are not going to school because you don't want to work. I also told him that until he get his high school done he will never add up to anything and no one will respect him. I am not saying that, that way will work for her but I am just telling what I did for Hector. When he is ready he will go back to school.
...About Hygiene
I didn't have this problem but when i was 13 but what helped me was that I was able to put a radio in the bathroom and listen to it when taking a shower and i never got yelled at for being in there for a hour or for using all of the hot water.
Hector has a Hygiene problem too and again i was mean about it(tough love works for him.) I told him that he is too old not to take a shower everyday and that it is grouse that he walks around everyday and not brushes his teeth.
...clutter
It is going to happen!
...Low Self-Esteem
I feel her there. What is she having issues about weight, acne, features, what? I can help I had tons of beautiful friends and i was the not so beautiful one. I hit a long ugly duckling phase.

I know that when my step mom starting in the picture i didn't want to share my time with my dad with her. And have her move in was cutting in to our routine. Now i am having issues and i am 23 with my own family and i am still having new problems with my step mom. Do yall have any other children? I think that i can really help if you let me.

I know how you feel. I have my own issues with my own boys. They have two older sisters from different moms. I don't know how she takes heart to heart talks, but this girl seriously needs one. I was raised in a filthy home growing up with my mother, before we were taken from her. I have my struggles at times, and being a single mom with three boys is hard enough. Depression can cause people not to take care of themselves.
Let her know whatever is bothering her, she can talk to you. She might think you don't understand what is going on, but let her know you are there for her. I bottled up alot of my emotions until I had counselling over it.
If she confides in you, she will feel better about herself. Let her know it can destroy her future by living the way she does. Let her know she's not a bad person, she just as things to work out. Have a talk with your man, tell him she needs help, he should understand his own daughter. She might feel that nobody cares about her, and that is some of the low self esteem within. I think a hug might be useful.

I have a teenage daughter and was gardian to my brothers when they were that age.

I have a couple of ideas that may or may not help but it is worth the information.

First to address the hygene issues. My daughter loves all the pretty smells provided by Bath and Body so I would suggest going on a shopping spree and make that one of the stops. Get the whole line if you want or just the shampoo and shower gel. Then get some clothes that your daughter likes. Mine likes things from American Eagle, PacSun, Forever 21, and Charlote Russe. If your step-daughter likes a different style find things she likes. Do your part by making sure she has clean clothes and toothpaste she likes. When my daughter was young she did not like certain types of toothpast they were too spicy. Let her choose. All these choices help build her self-esteeme and can be fun and memory makers in the process. I know a lot of people think that a person must shower every day but when I worked in the care of the elderly we usually get them in 1-2 times a week and they are fine. We just make sure deoderant and powder are available in between. Maybe you could make that an option.

As for school try and have conversations with her about what she wants to do after highschool. Get her and your husband involved maybe around the dinner table at a resturant. As you are out in public conversation usually remains civil and it is hard to storm out because you are not at home and still have to figure out how to get home. Then use this to find out why she thinks she is having problems. Is it the topic, the requirement, the teachers, the expections, the preoccupation with something else (drugs, or peers)or some other thing. Do not blame but be a listening ear. Use a lot of I statements and eliminate the You statements. If you need more information or further advice counseling or a visit to the doctor may help especially if the underlying issues revolve around depression or other medical cercumstances.

Good luck and remember to breath as this too will soon be water under the bridge.

My suggestion is to get into family therapy - asap. Good luck to you AND to your step-daughter.

A.,

I am a step-mom too. I have two step kids, when we got married 4 years or so ago, my 18 year old step son lived with us. He had no interest in school, had a bad group of friends, and did many things that worried me.

I prayed for him everyday. I tried to find ways to show him my love, a few times my husband wanted to get a big gift our son really wanted, and even through I didn't think it was a good idea at the time...I gave my blessings and suggested we get the better one.

Whenever we got a chance to hang out, and a topic/situation would come up...and without telling my step-son what he should do/how he should think, I would say what I would do or how I can be helpful to someone in that situation. This way, I get to be an example to follow instead being a nag.

I tried to do my best to model the person I want our kids to become (I am not always good with it but I am intentional about it). I think of them as my own kids, and from time to time I will let my husband and my step kids know that but most of the time, I just try my best to love them as my own.

My step-son is getting married next month to a really nice gal! He didn't finish high school but has a technical degree and a good job. He teaches Sunday school at church, and the kids love him. Now, I have his trust and he tells me he loves me. :)

And that's my story and I am sticking to it.

When does she turn 18?? Sounds like she had some trauma in her early years. Any person who behaves like your stepdauhter does has deep seated issues that won't easily - if ever - go away. Seek professional help/therapy.

She is at a major threshold, becoming an adult, and she needs help before she is suddenly cast out alone. Please keep that in mind. She could be feeling enormously insecure and afraid of what lies ahead, this is just a guess. Who really knows what's going on with her- isn't that the problem? Please consider getting her to a very good therapist, preferably a woman. She needs some kind of support to get her confidence raised. And soon. Good luck to both of you. (You're on the right track by seeing her potential to be a "lovely, responsible person," she needs for someone to see that possibility in her even though she doesn't see it yet.)

Hi A.,
I am not a stepmom or have teenagers (yet) but I was a very rebellious and stubborn one. Here is what I would do, looking back at what might have helped me then...

First of all, don't react to her nastiness. Remain your sweet self and smile, a reaction triggers more of what you don't want. It is hard, but when you want to yell back take a deep breath and say in your head, "and this too, shall pass" If she needs discipline, let your husband decide that.

Think of it, she'll be out in less than a year. Try to be kind and tell her that this dark time before adulthood is like going through a tunnel, everyone does it, and some tunnels are longer than others, but there is light on the other side. You want to maintain some good feelings toward her. Don't fret about the mess--all that she is, it won't last forever.

You are not her mom (where is the mom??), but you can be a positive person in her life. It shows you care that you posted this!! As awful as she is right now someday she will be a more adjusted adult and you don't want to ruin that relationship. Be cool and remember..."and this too, shall pass..."

A.,

Being a step mom is not easy. In fact, it might be one of the toughest roles we play. I'll preface this by saying I have been a step mother for the last 15 years.

First, remember that your role in your step daughter's life is that of a friend, a guide, not a mother. Her father is the person that needs to address the issues you have mentioned. She will only see you as a nag should you claim this as a mountain upon which you must stand. If he is unwilling to do that, you might mention your concerns about hygiene to your step daughter, but it needs to be framed from her perspective. What is in it for her if she improves her hygiene? This is different than what you think is in it for her if she adopts better hygiene habits. If she chooses to do nothing and you can not get his support in addressing the issue further with her, let it go. What can you do to support her in developing healthy self esteem?

You can only control you and your reactions to the situation. She is not getting in the way of your relationship with her father, your thoughts are getting in the way of your relationship with your husband.

How do you change your thoughts? Focus on the good qualities that the step daughter has. Accentuate the positive. If you can't find positive, then seek the support of a group of step mothers, or a life coach with stepparenting experience and talk these feelings out so that you can receive support in addressing your feelings and relieve the anxiety that you are feeling. I know this type of support kept me sane while my step children were in their teens.

K. R. MA,ACC, CHT
Transformation by Design, Inc.
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Dear A.,
I'm 45 as well! And oh, how I know about the step-mother thing.
I married a man 10 years older than me. My daughter turned 5 years old, 10 days after our wedding and he had two teen-aged sons from his previous marriage. I've never known a kid I couldn't get along with and I had no idea what I was in for. It's complicated, but the oldest boy was raised by and lived with his maternal grandmother. He was 15 and an angel. Very polite and respectful, loved my daughter and played, colored, read with her. The 13 year old was a completely different story. He lived with his mother who was very antagonistic even though they had been divorced many years before I even met my husband. At first, I thought he was just having a difficult time adjusting to everything being new and having a new step-sister, etc. and I certainly had no interest in being his "mother", he already had one. As the years progressed, his levels of utter disrespect and selfishness only got worse. Every time he came to stay with us, it was hell. He made it clear to me that it was not my house but his FATHER'S house and he would do as he pleased. My husband completely allowed it and blamed his mother for never teaching him any manners. If he took a shower, he left his dirty clothes all over the bathroom. If I asked him to put them in the hamper, my husband would march in and do it. The one and only time my husband EVER stuck up for me was on a day that the boys were leaving and I asked them for their laundry as I didn't want to send it home dirty. Little Mister informed me that HIS clothes got washed by hand and hung dry or I could forget it. My husband, assuming I was picking on his son, came running into the middle of it to rescue the kid from me. When he heard from the kid's mouth that he expected me to bend over the bathtub to wash his clothes by hand, his dad informed him that the washing machine was good enough for his dress pants and shirts, so it was good enough for his jeans and T-shirts and smelly socks. We got calls constantly from the school that the kid had an attitude problem. He cut 43 out of 45 days at school. So, my husband bought him a truck and paid for all the insurance and gave him plenty of gas and spending money. He lied constantly. I caught him going through our desk and financial stuff and on the phone reporting it to his mother! All my husband had to say was, "He wants her to know he's proud of me." Every time I tried to say he should come and live with us, or he can pick up his own dirty laundry, or he needs someone to tell him his rudeness will not be tolerated, it caused a HUGE fight and I was accused of hating the kid. And being jealous. Now, mind you, both the other kids had rules and bed times and chores. But not the little prince who, at dinner one night, in front of all of us, informed his father....."You don't tell me "NO". You will NEVER tell me "NO", do you understand? You will do what I want and if you don't, I will never come to see you again." Everyone was in complete shock. Except my husband, who sat there eating his dinner and pretending like he never even heard a single word. Things went from really bad to intolerable when I got pregnant. That kid's demands went through the roof. And my husband catered to every single one, no matter how insane. My marriage only lasted a year after the baby was born.
That said, and sorry for talking about me, but I do want to try to give some advice.
First of all, girls are different than boys. It may be that your husband feels awkward talking to his daughter about hygiene, her self esteem, her feelings, etc. So, in a non-derrogatory way, you have to try to talk to your husband about your concerns so that you can be on the same page as far as parenting. My own biological daughter went through a phase where she was completely unruly and I would swear she was not the same kid that came out of me. Like somebody body-snatched her or something. It doesn't have to mean there is something "wrong" with her, but if you lose communication, it's hard to get it back and the communication needs to start with you and your husband. I mean, is he thinking that she will be 18 soon and moving out on her own so you can just ride it out til then? You have to try to get to the honest bottom of HIS take on things. What are HIS hopes for her or HIS feelings about her slumping grades and perhaps not caring about herself or her appearance. Start there. With you and your husband. Tell him that you do not think it's unfair for her to pick up after herself. You don't expect her to clean the entire house, but if she leaves a cup on the coffee table, it won't hurt her, when she's done with it, to put it in the sink or the dishwasher. If you want to talk rationally and non-judgementally and he turns it around on you, you know you have a problem that goes beyond the daughter.
If your husband isn't on board, then I would take a different approach with the girl. Maybe she feels you are trying too hard to "help and guide". That tactic hasn't worked, so try saying to her that you really do care and she can come to you to talk about anything. Then, step back a little. If she is stubborn, like my own daughter, you can't try to outwardly "turn" her into anything. If that's what she thinks you're doing, she will blow you off. My daughter who will be 22 in October now says, "You were right. I should have listened." But at the time, listening to me was the equivelant of selling her very soul to the devil or something. She is so incredibly intelligent and started failing classes in high school. I guess she thought she could get by on her charm. Nothing I said or did made any difference. Then she tried out for cheerleading one day and was asked to leave, in front of everyone, because of her grades. THAT got through to her. And she started working her butt off. You can't have everything without doing something. That's just a rule of life. Without seeming like you are hovering or intruding, try finding out what your daughter likes or what interests her. Even if you don't like it yourself. Whether it's music or whatever. Maybe plan a day to go to lunch and hair cuts and manicures. Even if she wants black nail polish, let her have it. The time is more important. My daughter dyed her blond hair almost black, kind of spikey and punky looking and I was so mad. But you know what? I have sent pictures of her to family and friends and they all say, "Oh, my God. She is SO cute!" And she is. It's her style....not mine. She's an individual. So, try to find something that you and your daughter can do in common and have fun with. Anything to open the lines of communication. So far, it doesn't sound like she's done anything SUPER terrible. You love her. She's not a problem. She's not THE problem. Let her know that and get to know her on her terms. Be patient. She doesn't sound nearly as bad as she could be. Trust me.