Step Child Issues

I have similar issues with my situation. I do not know if I have any great advise to give you just sympathy. I also had to pick my daughter up this weekend and she came without a jacket even though I had provided one for her at the day care for her father to take with him. If I address anything with him he become combative. Luckily I am on the other side of the fence as I have primary custody of my child. The advise I have to give you have probably heard many times before but getting there is hard. Some things are not worth fighting about. I really want my daughter changed when the father has her and dressed properly but it isn't worth the fight. Bring cloths to change her into when you pick her up. It sounds like you both are doing everthing you can to help her with her hygene and are being a good parental model to her. She may feel she isn't getting the attention she wants at home and when she comes to you she will only half shower so that you will spend the time and attention with her. Try to figure out what her true feelings are or if she isn't getting the proper attention at home. This is all you can do. You can not control her mother or what she does with the time she has her. I actually sympathize with the mother and the hair cut. The father decided to cut my child's hair for the first time and I was trying to let it grow in. Things like that should be discussed prior to taking action. Call her and ask if you can cut her hair. If this is not possible send a letter with the child explaining that you would like her hair cut and why then say if it is not cut next time we will take her to the hair dresser. You could even offer a comprimise by asking what style she would prefer in this event. Make sure you are documenting everything. Take pictures of her nails and document it, take pictures of the cloths and get a copy of the weather report ect. This is a lot of work, but it is what you need to do. Try to find a way to communicate with the mother if possible even if it means giving on some of your fights, pick your battles carefully. It will work itself out. If you both really feel the child is better with you, go back to court! I wish I could help you more and I hope that I didn't offend you... GOOD LUCK. I have been seeing a counselor who is good with this type of situation. I would be happy to give you her number if you think would help. She can help you decide what battle to pick and how, she also can help to find the best ways to deal with the issues for the childs sake (how to ask questions and what questions to ask without affecting the child ect...) S.

Hi Trisha,

My name is V.. I am new to Mamasource. I can tell you that I know exactly what you are going through!!!!! I have a step-son who is 7 and my husband and I just recieved full legal and physical custody of him in an emergency custody case. We discovered and had photographic proof of my step-son's mother not only allowing her 14 and 15-year-old daughter's to smoke pot (in the house while my step-son was there) but she was also buying it for them.

I know how frustrating it is dealing with the court system when it comes to custody. My suggestion is to document, document, document. Document in every form and fashion. Always keep a camera on you and take pictures of your step-daughter when you pick her up (preferably a camera that shows the date on the pictures so that you won't have any problems with authenticating the pictures).

Keep a journal of EVERYTHING that your step-daughter says, her Mom says etc... What my husband and I did was we bought a hand-held recorder and recorded every face-to-face encounter as well as all phone conversations (I would pick up the other line and mute the phone while recording) between my husband and his ex. The recordings aren't admissable in court but you can use them for your journal entries so that you don't forget important points. You can, however record messages left in your answering machine. You know you are being recorded on an answering machine.

Unfortunately, according to the court systems inorder to protect a child that young from an unfit parent the parent either has to be arrested or have a DUI. Even then you never know. It really suprises me that the courts allowed her to move so far away!!! Especially if you guys had 50/50 custody... Have you considered an appeal? Maybe you need to appeal to the higher court. This can get expensive but if you have a good lawyer you might be able to get her back.

Feel free to contact me if you have any more questions or just need to vent!!! Like I said, I know exactly what you are going through.

Other response gave you info that I would suggest too, one other thing that you may want to think about is talking to her teachers in DC. You can call or email her teacher directly just to find out how she is doing in school since you aren't in the area. Let them know if there are any concerns they would like to discuss to contact you also, it's not like your family doesn't have any custody so I would think your husband would definately have right to get info from the teacher.

Good luck ... as long as you keep this little girl the main focus and her health and wellness the priority you will do what is right!

Reading your email makes me sick inside. It does sound like she is being neglected by her Mother. Can't she help the little girl the night before, at bedtime to cleanse her from top to bottom and brush her teeth good? She can't honestly expect a 7 year old to clip her own toenails, let alone cleanse herself properly. That is just terrible! All a child that age wants to do is play, I remember putting my daughter in the shower to wash herself and next thing I knew she was on the floor playing! They can't stay focused on tasks like that.

Do you have an attorney? Can you run all of this by him/her? I would check with child services in her new area and see what needs to be done to have her checked in on somehow? Can you check with our Chester County child services and see what they recommend? I would probably start there. I would also do everything I can to change custody to get her on every single long weekend and winter and spring break she has during school. I assume you already have her a few weeks every summer too.

I've dealt with the X factor on more than one occasion and its horrible when the parents can't get along with regard to the children even. So sad.

Hang in there! That little girl is lucky to have you.

Does she seem to be eating ok?

Hi T.,

I am so sorry for your situation. My future husband had to fight for over a year to get custody of my step-daughter after her "mother" picked her up from our apartment one day last March and took her to New York to live without giving us any notice or asking for any consent. Since there were no formal custody papers drawn up at the time, there was nothing we could do to force her to come back so we first had to fight to get her custody case dismissed out of New York (shows you what kind of idiot she is, thinking she can move to another state one day and then file for custody in that state instead of the state she actually lived in for the prior six months or more) which took months, while we waited to get our case underway here in PA. As soon as he found out that she had withdrawn her from her daycare (which he was paying over 50% of) he pretty much knew what she had done, so we went to see a lawyer to have a petition drawn up for full primary custody. The whole time this was going on, she would only let him have her on the days he wasn't working and just kept spitting out one lame excuse after another as to why he couldn't have her more than that when everybody knew it was really because she was so jealous and resentful that the child preferred to be with us. Before she took off like a thief in the night, the child was with us half the time. And whenever she would come to pick her up, as soon as she walked in the door, the child would start crying and throwing a fit because she wanted to stay at our house instead of going home with her. So I guess she finally snapped and made plans to take off with her and move into her brothers basement where she and the child slept on an inflatable mattress for over 9 months before she finally got an apartment of her own. She has had this two bedroom apartment for almost a year now and she has still yet to buy the child her own bed. I absolutely hate the thought of my step-daughter sharing a bed with this woman. She is 6 years old and should be in her own bed. She does have her own bed in her own room at our house and had the same when she still lived in PA with her so-called mother, but even then, she still let her sleep with her. But anyway, after all the mediations and evaluations and whatever else the joke of a court system makes you do, we finally settled out of court to have full primary custody of the child during the school year, but the "mother" gets her every weekend and has primary custody during the summer. We really hated the every weekend thing, but it was the only way we could come to an agreement without having to go to court. We accomplished this because the custody evaluation came out in our favor with the recommendations that I stated earlier. We hope to go back in a year or two to try to modify the agreement to get some weekends so she can attend birthday parties and other activities that happen on weekends as this will become more and more important to her as she gets older. I totally understand having to deal with someone who is "clueless" and "combative." She hated being criticized for things she did wrong or things she didn't do at all, but you can't just sit back and let some idiot ruin your kid's life because the ex can't handle constructive criticism or take sound advice to heart. You HAVE to say something when things aren't right, even if they don't listen, and you can document that the person was told. When it concerns a child's well-being you can't just let things slide to placate someone else's feelings. I can also relate to the hair issue. While this whole custody battle was going on, if I so much as trimmed her bangs, she would go and tell her lawyer, as if he could really do something about it. I as well can't believe the court let this woman move so far away when there was already split custody. You are supposed to be able to show how this type of modification is what is best for the child and I don't see how ripping a child away from a good parent that they see half the time and cutting that time down to every other weekend is what is best. I could understand it a little better if you only had her every other weekind to start with, then the change wouldn't have been so drastic, but from half the time to every other weekend is quite a stretch. I would definately appeal this decision and fight for this child. We are living proof that a father CAN get primary custody of a child and that just because a person is a child's biological mother doesn't mean that they know what's best for that child. Blood doesn't make you a parent, anybody can get pregnant and have a baby, but it takes a special person to really be a parent. Sorry this was so long, it just burns me up to see that other people have had to deal with this sort of thing to as it does nothing but hurt the child. If you would like to talk more about it or just want someone to vent to, just send me a message. I trully hope things get better.
A.