Stay at Home Vs. Working

first the numbers don't lie, this isn't he said vs she said. either you can afford it or you can't. i would start there. sit down and make a budget and see if A. you can afford it at all, or B. if you can live with the lifestyle your quitting work would afford. i would not (myself) consider living without health insurance an acceptable "sacrifice". maybe you can't now but in a year or two you will be able to.

S. you two need to find common ground. do you (each) want another baby or not? how badly? are you (each) willing to have one even if it means compromising on other aspects, such as your work status? such as health insurance?

sit down and have a real discussion with real numbers and facts. if you can't agree on something, work until you have a solution that you both can live with. think of it like a board meeting. each of you gets a say. each of you is professional (so to speak) and courteous of the other's point of view.

good luck!

Hi L.,

I feel for you. Let me share with you that I left a well paying job with health insurance to be home with my daughter. Everyone thought I lost my mind, however, I knew I had to follow my heart and be home. I found an opportunity that allowed me towork from home around my family and earn great income. Even after my daughter started high school and now 2nd year in College, I countinue to work from home and love what I do and the income is great just working very part-time and living life full time.

Fear of unknown sometimes control us from living our lives potential. There is more to life and you should follow your heart and pray your husband will come to understand you wish and need as a mother and be supportive.

God can and will provide all our needs, if we trust in Him and stay in faith all the time.

I pray all works out for you, if you want to work from home, let me know and I will share information with you. I earn more now with less hours than I did working full time.

Much Blessings.

Since you're a family of faith, I say take it to the Lord. Family decisions are the most important, and if there's anything we "should not lean unto our own understanding," it is about weather or not to have another child, and how to raise our children. Read the scriptures, ponder, pray, fast. You may both need to first ask for an open mind so you are willing to accept whatever the answer may be. Wanting a child is a righteous desire, and despite overwhelming difficulties, He will bless us with what we need, according to His will. For your husband's concerns, there are always financial reasons why it doesn't make sense for mom to stay home full-time. He does have legitimate concerns, but sometimes we need to take a leap of faith. If you as a couple want to make it a goal for you to stay at home for the baby's first year, pray and ask for confirmation of your decision. If you get a yes, then even though it doesn't make financial sense, things will work out. Faith precedes the miracle. However, you both have to be on the same page. Also, deciding to have you stay home for a year, and doing everything to make it happen, doesn't mean that you can't go back to work earlier if it really isn't working out.

After I had my 2nd son, I quit work. I made more than my husband, we couldn't pay for all of our bills on his income only, and it made absolutely no sense. However, we prayed about it, and felt strongly that I needed to stay home full-time. After my disability and vacation pay ran out, I was able to do a couple of contract jobs from home to pick up a little money. I also started a medical transcription program so I could start working from home. We did everything we could to try to make it possible for me to stay home. The next month, my husband got a new job in a different state. If I had returned to work instead of trying to stay home, I would have only been back for 2-3 weeks before I would have had to quit anyway! (And may I put it out there that not only would I have been returning to work, but I would have been promoted to the position I had been working towards for 3 years! Talk about tempting!)

For me, it's less of a financial decision, and one more of faith. God knows your needs and will help if you just ask. Best wishes.

Oh I am so happy you are a believer so I can be real with you!! We got this advice from our pastor when we were in counseling before getting married and it has served us well. He told us that unity is even more important than the right decision. I think that the most important thing here is that you guys come to some sort of understanding together. I am going to state the obvious here but one of you will have to give in or there will have to be a compromise of some sort. Maybe you could agree to stay home for only one year, maybe you guys could start living on just his income now and socking away everything you make from now until the time you give birth etc. Maybe you will have to agree that if he thinks this is what is best you trust him and will follow his lead although you still believe in your heart staying home is best you will trust him. I actually did this with my husband, not in a manipulative way or anything. With our first we were always planning for me to be home and he started saying that he didn't know if that was a good plan. We fought and it was big deal. Well I went and prayed about it and in my own heart remember that us being together in our decision was going to be the very best thing that I could give my child, I had to lay that thing I wanted so bad down and trust that everything would really be ok. So I went and told him that I wanted to be home but that if he believed that me working was best, I would trust him and go to work and it would be ok. In my case he immediately said 'no way, you are staying home!' and I have. In your case he may well want you to work but in any case in my story my husband saw that my love for him and the well being of our life and marriage was the first thing in my heart and that I would trust him to lead our family. I think it was huge turning point in his trusting me to always put him first and that together we would put our children first. So I say pray about it, I support you wanting to be home 100% and I totally understand that desire but your marriage being healthy will always be the very best gift to your child whether you are working outside the home or in it. Blessings!!

Ask your husband to read Titus 2. Ask him what it means when it says that the older women are to teach the younger women to love their husbands, love their children...to be homemakers...that the Word of God not be blasphemed. How can he insist that you not be able to be a homemaker when scripture says that that is what you are supposed to do? I only mention this because you say that you two try to live by the principle that God blesses us in things through him. Is He not blessing you because he is not willing for you to obey scripture? He said that you need to be "wise" and not give up your salary. Are we to be wise in our own eyes, or by the precepts of Scripture? I can totally understand that you are frustrated. God set up a system where the husband is responsible for providing for his family and the wife is to maintain the home. When we get away from these things as taught in scripture, we get frutstrated. Blessings to you as you two work though these issues. Feel free to PM me. I am not meaning to step on toes or offend anyone. I am specifically addressing you by the basis of what you say you two believe. ;)

Well, if it's going to cause friction and fights over money, then maybe you need to rethink all of it. You know, many women do a great job as mothers and still return to work! If you have your benefits through your job, I would NOT be so willing to give that up. Have you priced health insurance lately? AND you would be adding to the cost of it with an infant and all the medical costs an infant can bring with him /her. How do you propose to pay for the IVF? That costs a fortune as well. Will your current insurance help offset that cost? How much care or special services does your son need -or does he need any?

Just a thought -and I know this may sound really mean, but you asked for the good, the bad and the ugly -if you're so religious and you think God blesses you and will provide in some manner if you have another baby -have you ever thought about the fact that you can't get pregnant on your own? If you use IVF, that's science -not God. I don't personally believe this or believe that people do or don't get pregnant based on God's whims or decisions, but if you do -then you should think about that. I certainly wouldn't wreck my marriage over it.

I went through something similar although it did not involve the stress of losing our health insurance. My husband and I run a business together. For the 1st 7 months of our son's life we brought him to work with us, then he went into daycare which was a disaster once DS turned 16 months. I was stressed and DS was very stressed. I approached my husband with the idea of me staying home. He was vehemently against it...felt like I was abandoning him and the business. He thought it was ridiculous that I thought our son would be better off at home with me (partly because his own childhood had been he** with his SAHM).

Here is what saved our marriage...RELATIONSHIP THERAPY. We had a good therapist with whom we had worked before. So we went back to her and she was a huge help in getting us to really listen and empathize with each others concerns. We ended up having me stay home, but we worked out ways that my husband could still feel supported. In the end, DH agreed that the difference it made for our son was well worth it. Now I am back at work since DS is in school, but we have structured our hours so that he only has after school care 2 afternoons a week.

So find a therapist who can help the 2 of you with this difficult time. It really helps to have a neutral environment to discuss and helps to have a referee who can help each side feel heard. Good luck.

Oh, in terms of $$$, infant day care is about $1000/month around here so take that into account when you are crunching the numbers of working versus staying home and buying health insurance.

When I am trying to figure out a way through a muddled path, one fraught with roadblocks and such, I stop planning the way. Look at the big picture, turn the tables, step in someone else's shoes-whatever it takes to get out of my own head and away from my own perspective to honestly see the issue from an outside point of view. The roadblocks are there for a reason, pay attention to them and stop trying to "work around" them.

If you need to work you need to work. I think that the entire family needs to have that stability that your income provides. What if he got hurt and could not bring his income in, are you going to go to the state and get medical cards so hubby and the kids can have some sort of insurance?

I think perhaps you might need to rethink having children if you can't see that the whole family would need you to provide too.

I do understand wanting to stay at home but it does not sound like you are wealthy enough to do that.

I know that it's nice to do if you can but most of us would rather work to provide for our family so that everyone benefits.

I have to agree with your husband here, sorry. To give up a full-time job in this economy, one that provides you with health insurance at a time when you will desperately need it to cover labor and delivery and newborn medical care, as well as care for your older child, your husband and yourself, is foolish and - I hate to be harsh here - kind of selfish. My husband is self-employed and I carry the benefits for us. This means that if I lose me job, we're seriously screwed. My job keeps my family floating and I would never jeopardize that.

I don't follow your connection between being a single mom and wanting to stay home this time. I was a single mom too for my first - that experience didn't justify the "luxury" that staying home with my second, when I was married, would have given me at the expense of my family. Being in a bad spot 12 years ago doesn't mean that you get to do what you want now if it doesn't make sense for everyone.

You do know that IVF is staggeringly expensive and that Texas law does not mandate coverage for the procedure, so you're looking at tens of thousands of dollars in costs, right? Unless you're lucky and have an employer that does cover it, which I really hope is the case for you so that you don't have to worry about the financial side of IVF.

Best of luck whatever happens - IVF is a tough road and I wish you success and hope you get the baby you've been dreaming of!

You said hubby is " against" it. That's your answer. It's takes 2 people to be on he same page as far as bringing a child into the world or there will be major resentment on both sides.

Why does he say no? Financial? Realistic? Figure it out. It takes 2. If you trap him and get pregnant rest assured for doom.. Why would you do that ?

You have a special needs child who will still require as much or more of your time and money.

Please think logically and don't make decisions based on emotion. Your marriage is important to you and your child.

In all honesty, he IS validating your reason for wanting to stay home. Your reason, if I understood you correctly, is that you were a SINGLE MOM when your son was born, so you want to stay at home for the first year of your next child's life.
He's telling you that you WON'T be a single mom this time around (because he intends to stay), so no need to stay home. I sort of get that.

Yes, you should NOT get pregnant while you are not on the same page with this, or it will be heart breaking. You have to resolve this so that you are BOTH ok with the outcome.

What will you do for health insurance if you quit your job? What are the medical costs associated with your son's special needs? How will you pay for the medical costs of a newborn?

As far as the monetary sacrifices..... Can you eliminate your salary NOW, before you even get pregnant? That would enable you all to see exactly what the financial changes would be now, before you add the stress of IVF and a newborn into the mix. You could also SAVE all that money - just have your entire paycheck put in right into a separate savings account at the bank via direct deposit so you don't even see it each month.... and then you would have that to fall back on if something happened and you needed the money when you didn't work.

Are you willing to compromise? Your post sounds like you're presenting an all or nothing deal, which didn't leave room for discussion...... just "this is what I want" and then his only response choices were "yes" or "no" - there wasn't room for discussion. Could you strike a compromise and stay home for 6 months?

And I guess finally, the question to ask....... how bad do you want a 2nd child and do you want one bad enough to go back to work after your maternity leave?

I guess if it were me, I would not talk about having a baby for a set amount of time - I'd probably give myself 3 months. Not talk. No plans. No discussion about work. If he brings it up, say you heard his argument but this is something that was really important to you and so you are weighing if you still want to have another baby if your "vision" of what you want for the first year is so dramatically different from his. Then set a date to TALK about what each of you want for this baby and for your relationship and for each other. He may not want a stay at home mom, because someone he knew was miserable / had an affair / the expectations for him will triple / whatever....... it STARTS with his fear of financial stuff, but there is always MUCH more behind that. What is HIS perspective? What does HE want for his child?

And then, yes.... do a budget. How much do you make? How much is child care? etc etc etc.

Good luck and I wish you all peace in this journey.

I think the "NO" wins when it comes to having children, I'm sorry. I understand it must be very difficult for you to give up your preconcieved notions but I really think he is being smart about it.

Since you guys are trying to live by the principles of God then 1st you pray about. Next you 2 need to make a decision based on Facts and not on your emotions. Once you take emotions out and think about it logically you can come up with a plan. Why are you wanting to stay home? Is it so you and the child can bond or do you not want to have him in daycare at such a young age? I work and my husband stays @ home with the child. He's also self-employed and he schedules his business around my hours and if something comes up that he absolutely has to do - then his mom keeps our son. Which works perfectly because she's retired. We chose this path because I just didn't want my child in day care. I also wanted to bond with him so I took the Whole 12 week Maternity leave and I was only paid for 8 weeks (per company policy) I knew that was the plan so I had saved enough money to cover bills & I cut back on shoe shopping. Also talk to your company about - (1) working from home (2) reducing your hours so that you can still have benefits (3) changing your work hours. I changed my hours so I could work from 6 - 2:30 and have more time to spend with my child. I hope this helps. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do! :-)

I think you should try a little experiment.

If you think you can live off of your hubby's salary plus pay for health insurance for your family, give it a try now.

Put your entire paycheck in a savings account. Live solely off hubby's income, taking from that at least $1,000 a month that you will have to pay for health insurance. Put that $1,000 per month in the savings account with your paychecks. This way, you will have a better understanding of whether or not you can make it on hubby's income alone.

Also, you said you will have to do IVF. Does your insurance pay for that? Even if it does, there is probably a co-pay so if you have any savings that you will be relying on, please keep in mind that some of that may have to be spent to pay for the IVF.

I also believe in God, but truly you can't quit your job and rely on your faith to feed and clothe your children. If that were the case, all the homeless and starving believers in the world would not be homeless and starving. God does provide a path, but it's up to you to do the legwork and walk the path!

The cost of daycare is absolutely insane. And I have a hard time trusting strangers, especially ones who are taking care of my child! I don't see any problem with you staying home since you live on a budget already. My husband was very worried about me quitting my job when our baby comes in September. But after talking about the money we will save on daycare, and the fact that I can breastfeed and cloth diaper, he is okay with it finally. To me, it makes perfect sense! And who doesn't want to stay home with their babies?? I can't imagine letting someone else watch my newborn. Good luck!! I hope he realizes it will be a good thing, not only for you, but for your children!

Give this whole issue to God. All of it. When you feel yourself feeling lost and frustrated, take that time to pray to Him! God knows your heart and will listen. He sees your obedience through your tithing, so now throw every ounce of your being into your faith that He is working this situation out for you. Take time to read the bible and meditate on what it is that you want and ask God what he has in store for you. Then quiet yourself so you can hear/see what direction he is leading you. Be open and pay close attention to scriptures that stand out to you, advice others are giving you, ideas that pop into your head etc. It all works out in his perfect timing.

Another piece of advice I must give you is if you haven't used a digital fertility monitor yet, I would advise getting one. When my husband and I tried to get pregnant (we were both in our mid-thirties) we had a difficult go of it at first. We thought we were destined for costly fertility strategies route too. We ended up getting pregnant on our own. Thank the Lord! Second time around we chose to use a monitor, we began trying when my son was 6 months old. I was pregnant two months later! It takes all the guesswork out of trying. We used a Clearblue Easy digital monitor. So worth a shot before trying expensive fertility treatments. Good luck and God Bless!
HTH,
A.

Updated

Give this whole issue to God. All of it. When you feel yourself feeling lost and frustrated, take that time to pray to Him! God knows your heart and will listen. He sees your obedience through your tithing, so now throw every ounce of your being into your faith that He is working this situation out for you. Take time to read the bible and meditate on what it is that you want and ask God what he has in store for you. Then quiet yourself so you can hear/see what direction he is leading you. Be open and pay close attention to scriptures that stand out to you, advice others are giving you, ideas that pop into your head etc. It all works out in his perfect timing.

Another piece of advice I must give you is if you haven't used a digital fertility monitor yet, I would advise getting one. When my husband and I tried to get pregnant (we were both in our mid-thirties) we had a difficult go of it at first. We thought we were destined for costly fertility strategies route too. We ended up getting pregnant on our own. Thank the Lord! Second time around we chose to use a monitor, we began trying when my son was 6 months old. I was pregnant two months later! It takes all the guesswork out of trying. We used a Clearblue Easy digital monitor. So worth a shot before trying expensive fertility treatments. Good luck and God Bless!
HTH,
A.

I don't know if your husband would be willing to read information or articles on the subject. And truly, if your finances do not allow for it, you might not be able to stay home. I was unable to stay home with my first. Fortunately, my husband is willing and able to provide for me to be able to stay home now. Here are some articles on the subject:

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/03/working-double-time-the...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1325770/Children-...

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/10/mom-at-home?lang=eng&am...

http://homeparents.about.com/cs/stayathomemoms/a/benefits...

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/04/mother-come-home?lang=e...

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/03/could-i-feel-fulfilled-...

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1982/07/giving-children-quantit...

http://www.lds.org/Static%20Files/PDF/Manuals/TheFamily_A...

I truly wish you the best. I think your desire to be at home with your child is a righteous desire. However, without the support of your husband, it might not happen. Hopefully you can evaluate your finances, make some sacrifices, and find a way to make it work, even if it's just for one year.

Regardless of your decision, you both have to agree to it. I am a SAHM and love it. My husband really appreciates the sacrifice and dedication it takes. He thanks me regularly.

I like a suggestion made by another mom...Start living off his income and save yours. We've always lived on one salary. When I worked (before kids), we always saved my paycheck.