Stay at Home Mom - Feeling Down

Updated on February 19, 2009
M.M. asks from Sanger, CA
37 answers

Lately I have been feeling really alone. Due to my past many of my friends have ran away because they didn't know how to handle my first husbands death.And now I am remarried and just had a baby girl 10 months ago. I have a good friend who had a little girl 9 months ago and is now moving out of state with her family. I have two step sons in their teens who are only 10 1/2 months apart and argue on a day to day basis. They are good kids, but they can really wear me down some days. I am wondering if baby blues has a lot to do with how I feel. But there are some nights that I just feel like packing up and going to my mothers or what not and hide. Odd thing is.. the next day... I'm happy and love my life and family.. its just some nights are so hard. Now that my friend is leaving I'm even more down because I really want my daughter to have some one her own age to be around and Daycare is too expensive and right now I'm not in the place where I can have another baby. I would love to take her to mommy and me kind of classes but at this time I cant due a bad disk in my back. I guess what I'm asking is if there are any other moms out there who have these nights??

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So What Happened?

I just want to thank each and every one of you who responded to my "outcry". I am so blessed to have such a great resource such as Mama Source. I did see my dr and she put me on Welbutran (sp). So hopefully that will help with my baby blues. I did not find anything from my area as mom groups. So I am reaching out to some old friends of mine who are having babies too and hopefully they will want to start getting together. Also... just so moms know... If you live in the Sanger Ca area and want to join I would love to have more moms join us!! I'm not sure how its going to work, but If I could have some other moms who have some Ideas Let me know!! [email protected]____.com... Again Thank you every one.... Last but not least... I leave with this thought... "what the heck did moms EVER do without the INTERNET!!" LOL

Featured Answers

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L.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.,
Sorry to hear what you're going through.
I just want to recommend an outstanding book on back pain. You can read the hundreds of reviews about it on Amazon. It has really really helped me, too. It's called
Healing Back Pain by doctor John Sarno.

Hugs to you,
L.

More Answers

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J.Z.

answers from Sacramento on

When you are a stay at home mom, it is really easy to isolate yourself, and feel down. Add to that you have such a young child, plus the complications of step children. The baby blues is not as benign as many think. It doesn't always just go away. There is nothing you can do on your own about it, as it is a chemical process in your body. You should first of all, talk to your doctor about your options.

Secondly you should find a local mommy group. Don't be shy, they are always looking for new members. Try www.mops.org it is especially for women with children from birth to Kindergarten. They are always very inviting groups.

Thirdly, you need to take care of yourself. If you need time away, take it. Go visit your mom, or get a mani/pedi. There is a world out there waiting to meet you, so put yourself out there. Your new best friend is waiting to find you!!!! Love ya! And HUGS!!!!!

J. Z.

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A.A.

answers from Sacramento on

Hi there,
so im no professional...But i have those moments, I think i feel that way because I feel lonely ( i'm a single mom with a little one).
Are you feeling alone because your friends aren't going to be around? Maybe you can find somewhere to be where you can get a new group of friends.

Also, like i said i have been feeling down lately as well. But along with it my periods have been odd and I notice that around my period I've been feeling way depressed..which isn't normal for me. So i am going to and Obgyn to make sure everything is ok...I also quit nursing last month and that might have an impact on it to. Also there is this medicine out the for PMDD its called YAZ, sometimes we just cant control our moods if our hormone levels are shifting out of control.
I don't know the reasoning behind you feeling down..but it sounds like there might be something else that you need to look at rather than just that your daughter doesnt have someone--maybe youre needing someone as well.
Take a deep breath and hope you feel better soon.
A.

Oh and if you need someone to watch your kids while you can get out on a date night (very important to keep your bond strong with your husband) I'm available- I have a little girl that is almost 20 months.. Call me and maybe i can help you out ###-###-####
If anyone else needs a babysitter dont hesitate to call

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K.B.

answers from San Francisco on

First, I encourage you to join a local Mom's group.
Second, I encourage you to join a local widow's group.

Look online, ask at your local church, contact your county community services. If you don't find like-minded groups in your area, call the ones you DO find, and ask if they can recommend a group for you.

You need to get out and have some adult time/time to yourself. As much as you love your family, you need to find other Mom's to blow off steam with - people who know where you came from, can validate your emotions and just listen.

Start looking online today. Tonight. It really is amazing how much better and less stressed out you feel when you can just go out and meet someone for coffee who has been where you are.

A first-time-mom friend of mine has a boy who just turned one. My girls are 5 and 2. One day when her boy was about 6 months old, my friend called me up in tears. She was totally sleep-deprived due to baby teething and was so frustrated with her boy. She was depressed and appalled with herself for being frustrated, and thought she was just a horrible Mom. I just matter-of-factly said "oh, YES, I've been there!" After a couple of moments of silence, my friend was like "Oh WOW do I feel better! I thought I was the only one who ever felt that way."

You need to find someone (or several someones) who can give you that "Oh, WOW".

Good Luck!
K.

G.K.

answers from San Francisco on

How fortunate you are that you've found 2 wonderful men to share your life with! But to have to go through so much so young... It may be this or it may not, but I want to suggest you talk to a psychiatrist. It sounds relatively normal to have those feelings, but it was about that time with my son (9mo) when I started to realize that my feelings of loneliness and just down-ness were happening more and more. I finally got help, was diganosed with mild depression, and I've seen a HUGE difference in the 8 months I've been on Zoloft. I still have some of those feelings, but not nearly as often and not nearly as bad!!

One thing that would make a HUGE difference is finding a playgroup for you & your son! You can talk with other moms while your son socializes with other kids - some older, some younger, some just his age. There are MANY MANY groups in the Bay Area; you just have to find one that works for you! If all you need is to get out with your son, Parents Place does a drop-in play group 3 days a week, and they have 1 in San Francisco, San Mateo, and Palo Alto.

Good luck, and know that you are NOT alone!

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S.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Just another mom saying: Talk to your doctor about post-partum depression; make sure you're getting enough sleep; and find a playgroup/meetup to join. I really loved Las Madres even though the group I found was a little too far away geographically to be super convenient - when I made it to play groups it was well worth it.

I also recommend the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Faber & Mazlish (http://www.fabermazlish.com/) - actually I recommend ALL their books! These are NOT quick-fixes that will stop the bickering right then and there, but long-term solutions that will help your family become more harmonious.

Good luck!

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L.H.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.,
I'm sorry to hear you've gone through so much in such a short time, but I'm encouraged to see that you feel blessed and happy now.

I second Stacy B.'s response. Make sure you're getting enough sleep and talk to your doctor about post partum depression and for a list of exercises you can do at home for you back. There are at least ten I can think of that you could do for any single bad area of your back. Las Madres is a wonderful mom resource. http://lasmadres.org

There is a small membership fee, but it's inexpensive (we're talking 40$/year) and everything you get in return is well worth it. I love the group. You don't have to commit to it, you can try the trial membership. The clubs are organized by area and the birth year of your child. So if you join a club in your area you would join the club that has all children born in the same year as your baby. Moms with multiple children join multiple clubs. The fee is to pay for discounts at various child oriented businesses and activities (Discovery Museum tickets, etc.) and for parties.

I have a horrible back. I broke it when I was 19, I have terrible arthritis in it and I had back surgery 5 years ago. But I tell you, working out is essential to the health of your spine and your overall outlook. Do something, even if all you can do is go for a shot walk and stretch a little. Inexpensive memberships can be had at your local YMCA. For an additional 25$/year they will watch your child for 90 minute stretches which is enough time to take a class, go for a swim or do a light workout. I always feel better after I've gone and my daughter has a good time without me. We both end up refreshed.

Sibling rivalry is rough on everyone. My sister and I are also less than a year apart and we fought constantly and wore our mother out. However, it does pass. My sister and I are closer than ever in our 30s.

M., I'm not sure any of this helps, but I hope it does.

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D.C.

answers from Fresno on

I agree with finding a local mom's group. I couldn't find the right fit for me in my area, so thanks to a national network, I started one here and it's been a lifesaver.

Do a Google search for mom's group or playgroup and add your city name.

Good luck!

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C.M.

answers from Chico on

Sounds like you are a little overwhelmed and feeling down because you are losing a friend with a child your youngest child's age. All moms feel this way when we are overwhelmed and/or don't have enough adult interaction.

I suggest looking for a mommy's gourp to try and find new friends for you and your daughter. I also suggest that you look online to find out if there is a Blue Thong Society (BTS) in your area. BTS is a women's social/charitable organization and how much/little you participate is up to you. I have met some very wonderful women through BTS and revived friendships with others that I only saw during my baseball or soccer season. My once a month "girl's night" with the BTS ladies has been VERY good for me. As mom's we give a lot of ourselves and often ignore our needs. Please take good care of you so you can continue to be a happy mommy. Pamper yourself every now and then! Take care!

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T.B.

answers from Sacramento on

I didn't have time to read all the responses, but I would highly recommend finding a mommy group for you and your child. I found one on meetup.com that has been great for me. You can search by area and it has given me the opportunity to meet many other women with the same day to day struggles that I have. It also gets us out of the house which helps me feel better about things. Being home alone tends to make things feel worse than they really are and it is nice to have reasons to get dressed and get out. Good luck and reach out. There are tons of other moms who feel exactly like you and it helps tremendously when you don't feel so alone.

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N.A.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.,
Sounds like you've definitely had a rough go of it! Although we become more involved in thought as new mothers, and have wacky hormone moments, there are many joys not to be missed. Now's the time to look at all the positives in your life and be thankful for them. Start a "journal of thanks". Each night make an entry of at least one positive happening of the day--what little thing made you smile. As you've said, you've been blessed with the family you have now...you are so lucky to have found two loves. Your girlfriend will only be an e-mail away, keep up the friendship. When I found myself in a new city with little ones and no money to spare, I found lots of friends with kids at my local church. Try it, and give yourself a hug. N.

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V.L.

answers from Modesto on

Postpartum depression (PPD), also called postnatal depression, is a form of clinical depression which can affect women, and less frequently men, after childbirth. Studies report prevalence rates among women from 5% to 25%, but methodological differences among the studies make the actual prevalence rate unclear.[1]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression

[edit] Postpartum Exhaustion
(PPE) Caused by sleep deprivation coupled with hormonal changes in the women's body shortly after giving birth, may be mild or severe. Most cases noted with women who have babies with severe colic or other underlying causes that keeps abnormal sleep schedules. Not the same as postpartum depression, but can be classified as a postpartum depression even though depression is usually only caused from extreme fatigue. Medical treatment is minimal. Can last between 1 and 20 days and responds with getting adequate amounts of sleep.

[edit] Relation to baby blues
Baby or maternity blues are a mild and transitory moodiness suffered by up to 80% of postnatal women (and in some cases fathers who also suffer from the baby blues and/or postpartum depression). Symptoms typically last from a few hours to several days, and include tearfulness, irritability, hypochondriasis, sleeplessness, impairment of concentration, isolation and headache. The maternity blues are not the same thing as postpartum depression, nor are they a precursor to postpartum depression or postnatal psychosis.

[edit] Symptoms
Symptoms of PPD can occur anytime in the first year postpartum[2] and include, but are not limited to, the following:

Sadness[2]
Hopelessness[2]
Low self-esteem[2]
Guilt[2]
Sleep and eating disturbances[2]
Inability to be comforted[2]
Exhaustion[2]
Emptiness[2]
Anhedonia[2]
Social withdrawal[2]
Low or no energy[2]
Becoming easily frustrated[2]
Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby[2]
Impaired speech and writing
Spells of anger towards others
Increased anxiety or panic attacks
One method of detecting Postnatal Depression (PND) is the use of Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. If the new mother scores more than 13, she is likely to develop PND.[3]

shttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression

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J.H.

answers from Salinas on

Hi M.,

Your feelings are so normal. We've all been there at one point or another. I suffered a year with post partum depression and it was the women I met through mommy and me that really helped pull me through. My other friends worked full time so they could not be there for me so I had to make new friends. A bad disk should not stop you from going - let the instructor know about your back problems so that she can work with you at play time.

Also, contact the hospital that you delivered at and see if they have a Baby Blues group. I was referred to a LMFC who also helped me understand what I was going through - and she didn't charge me for my session.

It would also help if you found a hobby you really enjoyed that you could participate in on a regular basis - a book club, a scrap night, etc. to take care of yourself.

Best wishes to you. You're on the right track asking for help - you'll get through this.

J.

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L.D.

answers from Modesto on

Good for you to reach out on Mamasource - we are a great network of info. You do appear to be suffering from depression. Possibly post partum, but possibly just plain old depression at 10 months out. They are treated very much the same. Depression doesn't necessarily mean you are completely non functioning, there can be ok days here and there.If your OBGYN won't see you for this, please see your regular dr. You have some environmental stressors (step children, friend moving away etc.) that are contributing to the situation. This can be addressed with counseling- see if your health plan has a mental health benefit. Depression is primarily a chemical imbalance for which its possible you need an antidepressant for awhile.They really can work wonders when prescribed correctly. Lastly, you need to develop an additional support network for yourself and baby. You need a mamas group. There have been many suggestions like Meetup, MOM's International etc in other replys. Search on the internet for local groups. It's good to get out and talk with other mothers and swap stories, challenges, ideas etc. Once you get to know some other mothers, you can swap a little babysitting so you can go the dentist or whatever hasslefree. It also provides socialization for your baby until she is preschool age. Lots of their activities are free or nearly free like park playdates etc. It's always hard to get started and reach out, but you can do it! See your dr first and go from there. The very best of luck to you and your baby!
PS-One other thought, if your baby is still eating in the night try to wean her off of this. At her age she doesn't need the nutrition, it's just habit. The more sleep you get the better off you will be.

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J.H.

answers from San Francisco on

everyone has bad days. I would take some time for yourself, go get your nails or hair done something that will be a nice treat just for you. Then get a sitter and have a nice dinner out with your hubby. Let him know how you have been feeling, just talking about everything will help. You are not alone, you just need some time for yourself and soon your feel better.
Good luck to you!

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J.O.

answers from San Francisco on

I've been reading the responses for my own encouragement.
Yesterday evening when my DH came home from work I was trying to explain my day by saying that I couldn't understand how life could both be so great and so hellish. I have a 13 month old and a nearly 3 year old, and more often than not I am beaten down by the end of the day. I know it is my own fault for not making more time for myself, so I heartily encourage you to do it. I want to feel lucky to be a SAHM, but some times it is hard when my days are filled with screaming (not mine, though I sure feel like it!), dirty diapers and endless cleaning. I know that being a SAHM is not like being a single parent, but sometimes it does seem like I'm in this alone since my husband is away at work so much of the time.
I would give yourself permission to feel down, but then find some small thing to reclaim a bit of yourself, even just a cup of tea behind a closed door when your husband is home, and find some more moms to meet in person!

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V.O.

answers from San Francisco on

I hope you find the peace you seek... in the meantime, you should join a mother's club. It will give you activities to do with & without your baby, be a support system for you, as well as a good educational resource. I belong to the Burlingame Mother's Club, as well as the Belmont/San Carlos Mother's Club. Join one- you may find it easier to find other mom's that want to get together and, of course, always good for speakers, play groups, social events for you and hubby. Don't worry- things will work out - those teenage sons will grow up soon!

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N.S.

answers from San Francisco on

It is normal to have feelings like you do. Have you checked into meetup.com? They have all kinds of free groups, including one called Marin Moms. There is also a playgroup on Hamilton and storytime at the library. Your baby is young but it would get you out with other moms.
Also, you mentioned that Day Care is too expensive but you could try a co-op with other moms. You all watch each others kids for free, taking turns.

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K.M.

answers from San Francisco on

It sounds as if you've been through a lot--what you are going through is probably normal, but being at home with a baby can be lonely, and teenagers can--get you down, as well.

I would look for a moms group like Las Madres or similar--that way you can make some new friends in similar situations, and get together for play groups at no cost. Maybe even do childcare swaps so you could get out with your husband sometimes, and get a break! You have to take care of yourself, in order to take care of the family.

Good luck and hugs to you!

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E.S.

answers from Sacramento on

First of all, BIG hugs to you! You have been through a whole lot! Posting on here for advice is a great first step!
That first year can be VERY tough. Lack of sleep, lack of support and outside issues just compound the problem. I also agree with the other posters about talking to your doctor. You may be able to see some relief with medication. What truely helped for me was finding support. I found a wesite called Meetup.com
It is a fabulous site that lets you search an area by zip code and mileage for group of your interests near you. You could, and should look for a widows support group and definitly should be able to find a moms group nearby. It is a pretty easy site to navigate. The groups have calandars that show what upcoming events are and you just RSVP and show up :) You will be able to see other moms/peoples profiles and get information about local play areas and activites. Alot of the groups are free to join and most others are under $10/year for a membership ( but they will let you check it out for a free trial period)
Meetup.com is a fantastic wat to connect with other people. They have groups for just about everyone and everything you can imagine! I belong to Local moms group, a snowboarding group, a mom/dad/kids hiking group amd an adventurers group. Please go look and reach out.
Things get better, I promise. As the baby gets older you will slowly get more sleep and your routine will become a bit easier with them. Hang in there and please let us know how it goes. I am sure anyone of us here would love to talk as well, if you need it. :)
HUGS!!!

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L.T.

answers from San Francisco on

M.,

You are not alone. I think most of us have gone through or still are going through what you are experiencing right now. It may be hormonal but I also agree with what Cindi said. Find a mom's group- whether through church or your area, and make sure you take a day for yourself at least once a month. I have four children and I homeschool and I can't tell you how many days I want to "pack up and go to mom's or a friends house for a day or so." Things can get overwhelming when you have to take care of everything at home and you don't have "outside the home" time. I have found that I start getting a short fuse with my children and then I know it's time. I have to take a day or even a weekend for just myself. The best Mother's Day present my husband gave me was a night at a beautiful hotel with a gift certificate for a massage and facial. I had the whole day and night to pamper myself. I got to read in bed and have room service with no fighting children or meals to prepare. It was wonderful, and I was rejuvenated. No more depression or short fuse. So now, when I start feeling down I know it's time to take a day for myself. Sometimes it's just going shopping at Target by myself for our household items but I can do it leisurely. I can't afford to do a "hotel" spree every month so it's a yearly thing that I make sure I do and sometimes it's with my H.S. friends for us to catch up and sometimes it's by myself. As for your friend leaving. The same thing happened to me. My dear friend moved out of the country but there's this wonderful thing called Skype and it's free. Get a cheap video cam and download Skype and talk with her whenever you want. No it's not the same as being with her but when you see someone while talking it's the next best thing. Need more info. please e-mail me.

Also, I just want to reiterate finding a mom's group. Our church has a mom's group that meets twice a month and I LOVE it. Many times I am not able to make it with a sick child and when I am able to go back it's like I'm coming home. I've had times I've walked in and had to fight the tears back because I've missed it soooo much. Take care and remember you are not alone.

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S.K.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.,

I think there are many of us who have felt as you do at one time or another, especially during our baby's 1st year of life when things are the most over-whelming and exhausting.

I had many days where I felt as you do after the birth of my son. This was mostly due to the fact that my Mom had passed away a number of years before he was born and I felt like I had "no-one" who understood what I was going through. I have no sisters, no relatives or family close by and no friends that had kids of any age. I pretty much convinced myself that I was completely isolated and had to force myself to go out with my son.

People I have talked to since, have recognized that I was in a post-partum depression, but it wasn't recognized by me or the medical profession because it all happened after my 8 week check up with the OB Gyn. I also now see that you do not realize you are in a depression until you start to come out of it. The fact that you have posted here is so positive.

A trip to the MD may be worthwhile (maybe back to the OB GYN). No-one wants to take meds uneccessarily, so if you are worried that that is all they will give you, then you don't have to take them. I have a friend who took Paxil for a short time and was so grateful for it.

I did force myself to join Las Madres in my local area after 3 months and wish I had done it much sooner. It was a good experience and got me socializing with my baby and talking with other Moms.

You definitely need a "Mom" connection and you would be surprised what support the Mamasource Mom's can give you too. The is one of the most supportive forums I have ever seen.

Hope this helps and feel free to contact me personally if you wish.

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S.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.,
first of all congratulation on your baby! It's wonderful and it's tough at the same time.Second, yes join a mothers group and share as much as you can.
I can tell you you're not alone. I went through a very difficult time after the birth of my son, who's now 3 1/2. On one hand I was thrilled by the presence of my son and on the other hand I felt isolated ,not very supported and had a lot of physical pain, mainly because of my almost constantly engorged breast.
I am also the stepmother of a 12 years old boy and a 15 years old girl, but just before the birth of my biological son my mother, who lived in France with my father, had a major stroke and not only couldn't visit me anymore, but also lost the ability to speak and to move.
I had builded a lots of resentment during this period without knowing it, but this had some negative consequences on my relationship with everyone at home, especially my stepdaughter.
Becoming aware of what's going on is a first step, but the next one is to do something about it. Living in our household can be sometimes quite challenging, but I'm committed to bring joy to my family despite my bad temper. I don't want to " carry " resentment anymore, and I've been speaking up and listening.
One thing that have really helped me is Landmark Education, that I would recommend to you, so you can leave the past in the past. You can check the website: www.landmarkeducation.com
I wish you a great life!

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N.J.

answers from San Francisco on

Dear M.
I am a 77 year old great grandma and it breaks my heart to hear of all the losses you have had at your young age. I am hoping you hear from a lot of young mothers who have babies close to your child's age. You have taken on a lot and have a lot of challenges. Good friends with whom you can communicate and share the ups and downs of parenthood and step-parenthood will help. A good support group or a good counselor might be helpful as well. Of course you feel lonely and sad in the middle of the night when it seems as though you are all alone taking care of so many people including yourself. There are also books available to help you help yourself, but it sounds like you need a friend and I am sure there are friends out there for you, now that they know...

God bless you and keep counting those other blessings you have!!

N.

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K.H.

answers from Sacramento on

M.-
your not alone. I know those lonely nights well. I think you have postpartum depression..aka: baby blues. I would really advise you talk to your OB/GYN and see if there is a low dose of something you can take. I had postpartum with all of my kids. I have a 13 year old girl, a 3 year old girl and a 10 month old son. My postpartum with my 3 year old was the worst...I felt homesick for my mother at night and would cry when the rest of the house would sleep and I would be up with the baby. I was overwhelmed with the love I felt for my baby and was really lonely. I didn't get any help and toughed it out...it took over a year in a half! Now, with my 10 month old I nipped that issue right away...I got a low dose of Zoloft (which is what my OB prescribed, it's safe for nursing as long as it's low dose) and all the difference in the world. I'm still me, just better, even without a lot of sleep. (lack of sleep makes this issue of postpartum even worse)
Look for a "kinder music" or something like that class you can do with your baby. Getting out and meeting other moms with babies is good for your soul and well being. I started my 3 year old in gymnastics when she was one. We still go and I have made many friends there. Hang in there M.! You should be enjoying this time with your baby girl...so please do what you need to and get help. It's okay to ask for help! Feeling lonely at night can be such a scary and sad time, it doesn't have to be though. Please update this soon and let me know how your doing.

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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

M.,

I suggest you join a playgroup or if there isn't one in your area- start one. That was the best thing that I did when I was feeling lonely and had postpartum depression. Getting together with other moms weekly really helped and I also found some really great lifelong friends. I would also talk to your doctor about your feelings and consider seeing a therapist or maybe medication if you need it. "Talk therapy" is what really helped me--- I was able to vent and get advice from someone who had been in my shoes. Good luck to you!

Molly

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G.B.

answers from Boise on

Hi M.!

Poor dear, you've been through so much.It's not fun to be down. make sure you sleep enough, because fatigue can add to depression. Maybe you can find some friends by joining a local MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)group. You can find them online or contact your larger local churches.

I'm sure it is normal to go thru bouts of depression when a husband has died. Pray to your heavenly father, he can comfort you and knows what your heart needs.

I think if you find a couple of other moms with children of a similar age range it can help you a lot.

God Bless you,
Gail

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E.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Here are some ideas that come to mind. I agree that you need a social outlet and place to meet other moms!

- If you're not able to carry the baby in a carrier because of your back maybe you could start a playgroup at your house.
- Does your friend know any other moms she can introduce you to?
- Can your doctor recommend a special pad so you can sit in the chairs groups?
- Is there a PTA mailing list at your stepsons' school? You could announce you would like to network with others moms with babies and possibly start or join a mom's group.
- Tell everyone you know you are trying to meet other moms!
- Take the stroller out to the mall and park (when it gets warmer) and sit next to other new moms and chat. If you live in a neighborhood where moms walk with stollers, try to meet one or more of them. Getting out of the house and going places you're likely to be able to talk to someone may be a good start.
- You must be really tired by the end of the day because of your back. If your husband can help with bedtime routines that might give you some physical and emotional relief.

The more choices you explore the more likely you'll find one or more that work for you.

Good luck, and hang in there!

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J.U.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.,
I had some depression / baby blues for the first nine months of my baby's life. It sounded a lot like what you're describing. We moved out of state right after my baby was born, which I think contributed to the depression because I didn't have any support other my husband. It did get better and I did make friends, it all just took time. There were several times that I wanted to run away also. I always loved my son, but my hormones were out of whack. Is there any chance that you could try to mend some of your old friendships or look into a mother's group that has home playdates? I hope that you're doing better soon.
J.

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T.D.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.,

You've made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have the support line I do. We had our son on Thanksgiving and I am now 40 years old and WHOA! did I forget what the first months were like. I also have a 7 year old from my first marriage that is having some trouble bonding with his new brother but I too get isolated and feel overwhelmed. You feel trapped at home and are constantly trying to connect with some adult to get a connection back to adult life.

I have been on Zoloft for over 7 years, this started when I took on my ex husband and his two teenagers - they came as a package full time. I was still overwhelmed and ate to "get away", got up to 267 pounds too. Left him when my first son was 1, gastric bypass, lost 100 plus the 180 pounds of bad husband but there are still many times when I get down and sometimes don't understand why.

My suggestion would be to speak to your husband, ask him to have a sit down talk with the other kids, ask them to either help out more or to be aware of their bickering because it elevates your stress level just hearing them. Take the baby out for walks to your local Starbucks or coffee house - lots of people will want to see your baby and start conversations (I do this once a week to get away from the house) and some mom's are doing the same thing, you may meet someone there with a situation similar to yours. Humans, by nature, are empathetic and nosey...so offer another mom and baby to share your table or chat back and forth and try to meet again the same day next week. Soon you will have a couple of other friends and usually they have friends they introduce you to, etc.

It's tougher in the Winter because people don't like to go out much when it's colder but once you become a regular, even the employees will start to know you and your baby, most of the women like to see your baby grow and change.

You didn't mention where you live but I am in Alameda, laid off since last June and home with the little guy every day, so if you'd like to connect, email me and we can meet up. Depression, even slight, isn't a thing to mess with, you need to feel great so your baby and family thrive, you are the "glue".

I sincerely wish you the best and mine is only one suggestion but it helps me feel better - plus I get my mocha fix...good luck.

T

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G.D.

answers from Modesto on

Please check your vitamin D levels... VERY IMPORTANT!!!
Love, G.. :0)

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G.D.

answers from Stockton on

Holy moly--you've had a rough go to say the least...please know that the "baby blues" or post pardum depression is so common. I had a baby boy (i also have a 5 year ld daughter) this past october, and I've been dealing with the sadness, then the reverse. My husband works out of town all week, and the nights are sooo hard. I've been tempted to run to my mom's too! I am fortunate enough that she does come and stay with me 2 nights a week, which helps with that lonely, scared, depressed yet so grateful for my kids feeling.
Since you have issues with your back, I would suggest some type of music class with your little girl or local library might have story hour...I did this when my daughter was 10 months and my depression was really bad. It helped me a lot, plus we met other moms and kids her age and she enjoyed it.
I would love to offer you more help if I can. You can email me if you want to at [email protected]____.com
Take care of you, and remember there are so many moms feeling the same way...
G.

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E.P.

answers from San Francisco on

It is really lonely being at home with the kids, however much you love them. It is such a boost to have someone adult to talk to. I actually made a list of different activities that we could do each day so we always have somewhere to go (it mostly works out). I am a planner anyway, but end up being quite organized because it works. The library is a good one for any day, and making contacts with other moms with babies the same age to schedule playdates (there were lots of good suggestions on how to do that).

The other thing is you might find that classes are more accessible than you think. I would call some of the places and see what they can do. We do swim classes at Betty Wright Pool in Palo Alto, which is a therapeutic pool so they'd probably be v. sympathetic to your back issues.

I think it can make a negative mood feel worse if you feel isolated and sometimes it is 'work' to get out and do stuff, but it really helps. Good luck :)

E.

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S.A.

answers from Sacramento on

My heart goes out to you! Let me just say that I did and will continue to pray for you. I have felt the way you feel (and have not suffered as you have in the past). You are probably dealing with some post partum blues, lack of sleep/exhaustion, and a total upheaval of your life. What you feel is normal, although very tough to deal with. If you haven't already talked to your doctor, please do. If you are nursing and opposed to medications to deal with your sadness, try taking extra Omega-3/DHA. My dr. suggested this for me. Pregnancy and nursing take this out of you and it takes months to replenish. Low levels affect mood and anxiety. I honestly did not start to truely feel better until several months after I stopped nursing my daughter at 17 months. I'm not sure if you've got a church group you can turn to, but they usually have mommy and me groups. Plus, the power of prayer is amazing. There were many nights that I only got through because Christ was sitting with me in his lap as I sat with my daughter in mine. I pray things get better for you soon! God bless!!

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J.K.

answers from Sacramento on

Hi M.,
I know exactly how you feel, even though my situation was a little different. My baby was born 7 weeks early and was in the NICU for 3 weeks. I am very active in my career and having been off work and not having the social interaction gave me some blues. I recommend seeing her Primary care doctor or your OB and look into going on an anti-depressant. They say that postpartum depression can last as long as 2 years. I also HIGHLY recommend joining a moms group. My moms group became my saving grace. I recommend the website meetup.com or meetup.org (I can't remember which one) but they are national so I know that you could find one where you live. You can also use yahoo groups to find mom groups. I hope that this helps and you find what you desperately need. If you live in the Sacramento area I would be up to meeting you sometime for coffee. I have a 13 month old son.
Jenn

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C.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi there,

Your feelings are very understandable. I had post-partum depression with my son, he's now two years and nine months old, and I have a daughter who is almost nine months old. I got help for the post-partum and didn't have it with my daughter, but now a sense of isolation has crept in ...normal if you're ALWAYS at home with two little ones! I cherish this time, yet one can still feel isolated --it's a separate thing. Anyway, you're not alone. I'd be happy to write more, but it's late and need to get some sleep!
Take care

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E.Y.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow,
Looks like you've received alot of great and thoughtful advice already. But I just wanted to write and reasure you that what you are feeling is normal and felt by all new moms, even experienced ones. Hang in there, keep focus on all the positives in your life and this stage will one day be a memory. I do want to emphasize how important it is for you to build and develop a good support network for yourself. I did not have one when I had my first child and when the blues/depression set in, it was really difficult. Have a great husband, but there's nothing like a good girlfriend who is going thru or has gone thru what you are now to lend an ear, help and encouragement. Find storytimes at your local library, join non-intensive mommy and me classes and you will automatically feel better by just going out, and of course the activity will be good for your baby as well. Reach out to other moms and try and form some friendships...it may take some time to find the right one(s) but it'll all be worth it when you do...

Take care and keep smiling! =)

hug,
Emily

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