Stabbed in the Back! So Mad!!

Updated on August 01, 2011
N.G. asks from Arlington, TX
24 answers

Several months ago a friend of mine (we've been friends since high school but were not very close) asked me to get him a job at my company. I honestly didn't know much about his work ethic at all, had never worked with him, and hadn't kept in touch with him very well since high school, but I did know that he did very well in college and has been successful with his own fashion label. He was very driven and successful in school so I assumed he would be the same in the workplace, so I felt pretty good about referring him for a job opening we had. He ended up doing well in the interview and they hired him but it immediately turned sour. From the first day, his job performance was just plain awful. I'm one of the team leaders (and he wasn't on my team because we were friends) and his job performance was so awful that I couldn't even speak to him about work because he almost immediately was started on a disciplinary track for doing things like calling in, leaving early, showing up late, ignoring the dress code, saying he was working in the field but not being where he said he would be, etc. He was disruptive, made other employees uncomfortable with loud swearing and loud talking about his sex life, speaking inappropriately about coworkers, etc. My boss and his team lead wrote him up a few times for specific things before finally letting him go on a falsification of records accusation for saying he was going to be somewhere for work and never showing up. He texted me as soon as he was fired (my boss and HR did not tell me they were firing him until moments before they did it) to tell me that they had singled him out and that he was going to get a lawyer. I figured he was just mad and wouldn't actually go through with that, but just in case, I told him not to talk to me about work because I still work here. We haven't really spoken since.
This morning, my HR manager came into my office and closed the door and let me know that my "friend" had filed a racial discrimination charge against our company. I am so angry... I have never known him to act like this. I am hurt that my "friend" would stab me in the back this way (I have two small children to feed with this job!), but more importantly, I am disappointed in him as a person that he would cry racism when he knows damn well that no one discriminated against him.
I know that I have to cut off contact with him, and I'm not really even sure what my question is, other than- how can certain classes of people expect to make strides toward equality if they are always singling themselves out by crying "RACISM!!" It is so childish!! It hurts people- it costs companies money, jobs-- it ends friendships. How can people be so cruel?
Ugh... there's no way I could ever be friends with this sorry sack again, but I needed to vent.

Have you ever known someone that did this? And just because I'm curious, Have you ever been VALIDLY discriminated against?

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So What Happened?

Thank you for being so supportive ladies- I'm so disappointed in him! For those of you who bashed on my word choice of ''certain classes of people''... please... this is exactly the perpetuation that I'm talking about. Beat a dead horse! Aren't every single one of us a member of "a certain class"? I don't care what color you are, what age you are, what gender you are... if you are a crappy employee, you deserve to be fired. Be responsible enough to reflect on your actions.

Featured Answers



answers from Chicago on

My dad owned a company and had to fire a problematic, under-performing employee. The employee accused my dad of firing him b/c he was Jewish.

My dad pointed out that the employee was Jewish when he hired him.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

I know a woman who I helped get a job and she did the exact same thing only when she cried racism, they gave her a raise and let her do whatever she wanted. I ended up leaving for many reasons, but I never have helped anyone get a job because of this.

I would remove this question because I have googled certain questions I asked and mamapedia comes up within the top 10 always.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

He has to say its someone's fault so that he doesn't have to admit it was him. As long as the company did a good job in documentation there shouldn't be a problem. I'm sorry you had a friend do this.

As an HR professional, I am letter you know do NOT speak to him about this. He might use what you say against the company.

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Two issues here:
1. NEVER stick your neck out for someone you know regarding a job. If you haven't worked with them on a professional level--you don't *know* them as far as employment is concerned. Seriously, I would hesitate ro recommend my MOTHER for a job. LOL

2. I wouldn't worry about the racial discrimination suit. If your company is worth their weight, they have documented his rule infractions and absenteeism. It won't matter if he's bright purple once they see all the facts.

As for *why* people cry "racism"...who knows? He obviously doesn't "get it" that he's a crappy employee that got what he deserved so he assumes it was a race thing.
It's much the same reason people label lots of things anything.
"Filing a suit" means really nothing. anyone could do that. You could file O. tomorrow. Doesn't mean it's valid or that you would win it.

I guess the issue is whether you & your friend can continue this friendship after the lawsuit...frankly, sounds like you haven't been in touch with this guy since high school, and after the grief and damage to your own work reputation, I don't think the friendship is any big "loss" to you, right?

At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. Although you were pretty quick to lump "certain classes of people" into a neat little package there--careful....
He showed his CHARACTER, not his COLOR in this situation.
Continue to show your character at work.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

From a legal standpoint, since there is a pending case, you may want to remove this question. If stumbled upon, your last paragraph could be used as proof of 'mindset'. If that makes sense.

Yes I've been discriminated against. I'm a mid-30s white female.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

I do not think he stabbed you in the back, I think he is a terrible employee who has humiliated himself.. All you did was suggest he be interviewed.

If he tries to contact you, let him know you will not speak with him while there is a lawsuit out.

He obviously has issues.. Depression, some sort of mental instability or is just a bad person..

YOU are not responsible for him or his behaviors..
This is business. You and the place that hired him, gave him a chance he blew it.. And HE knows it..

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

The company hired him. The company fired him. All you did was bring his resume in.
People who cry racism do it because it gets a rise out of people. It gets people to take notice. They fired him because they had reason. He's just trying to make a stink.
It's not your problem. Sever all ties and move on.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I'm sorry you tried to help this guy and got nothing but trouble in return. That really sucks. It does suck that he wont take responsibility for his actions. But please don't let this color your judgement toward "certain classes of people."

This guy may actually be oblivious to his own flaws and really feel picked on, epecially since he went on disciplinarian action almost immediately. If I started a job and was immediately in the dog house, I might feel a little picked on. It's hard to step out of ourselves and see our own faults.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Redding on

This is why I NEVER refer anyone for a job. We all learn the hard way.
Like you said "I didnt know much about his work ethic...."
Apologize to your superior, your job shouldnt be in jeopardy over this. It probably has ruined your reputation just a smidge tho. But since you WONT be recommending ever again, you'll be okay ;) It will all blow over.

312's answer was perfect.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

People cry racism because that's the weapon the congress and Johnson and lawyers have given them.

It used to be American business and government hired the best man or woman for the job. Sure, there was and will always be nepotism, but by and large business was looking for performance and ability.

Now we look for the best black woman, or the best hispanic man, or etc. A co-workers son wanted to be a fireman since he was a kid. He went to college and got his AA in firefighting (I don't know the title of the degree). When he went to apply at his home town fire department and they took his application, but didn't hire him even though they were listing two open positions. He got to talking with the HR secretary. She whispered to him that they had to hire a black and either a hispanic or asian before they could hire their next white. And they prefered a female of either race. She told him to call back.

They hired a black female high school drop out first. They put her on the payroll while she worked on her GED. My co-worker said her son was so disgusted and discouraged by them he got a different non-firefighter job.

So what do people do? They don't apply for jobs they are best qualified for. They apply for jobs that need to fill their race or sex in the workforce. Everyone goes for the advantage.

This had led to the decline in America (IMHO).

Yes, I have personaly been discriminated against.

Good luck to you and yours.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

So its true? No good deed goes unpunished!
Yes I have been discrimininated against...I am a 34 y/o white female.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

What does race have to do with being gay? I would just explain to your company that you are on their side and right him off. They have plenty of proof he was a crappy employee, Im sure hes just wasting his time. He needs to put his big boy panties on and grow up.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Colorado Springs on

OK, you've had your vent, and you needed it. Now see how you can protect yourself in this suit. Talk to your company people to verify that every charge against him has been documented. See if anyone is holding anything against you for having brought this person into the company.

Yes, some people are like that. They see your color or your nose or hear your accent or something about your religion, and they have their minds made up about your sort of people. But this is such a hot potato that no one quite knows what to believe when something actually happens. That is why clear evidence is necessary - to get past the emotions.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Albany on

This totally sucks N.. I have to agree with Megan C.

And to be honest, I would probably not be able to shut up about it and would have to tell my 'friend' everything you said here.


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i'm sorry - what a horrible situation to be in..

it's NOT you and I don't think the company is going to think that you are in on it.

i would distance myself from him - like you already have...if he calls - I would tell him how utterly disappointed you are in him for doing this.....

Sometimes, it's easier for people to cry racism rather than accept responsibility for their own actions...

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I think you should call him on his BS!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

WOW! HR Rule #1 (at least this is what they told us in school)... NEVER offer to get someone a job- not a family member, not a friend, not an aquaintence. At MOST, offer to personally pass along a resume and leave it at that.

I am so sorry you are being burdened by this situation. I worked with a school psychologist several years ago who was a loose cannon. We all knew it and (candidly) I voted "no" following her interview committee, but she impressed the right people and was hired and subsequently made life at the local high school a living hell for her supervisors. She stirred up trouble with faculty members, inappropriately engaged students and spread hurtful gossip. She was written up and "counseled" following each episode, but nothing was bad enough to warrant legal action to fire her (LONG process when you're a tenured educator). So... she applied for a School Leadership program at the local University and was accepted b/c she was an adjunct professor, but was promptly told by our district that they would not support her required leave-time and denied her request to have an intern. At the next district meeting she publicly announced that if the Assistant Superintendent didn't approve her Leadership internship, she was going to come back here and shoot them all! The ENTIRE district went into lock-down and she was immediately put on leave.

Did she own her actions? Nope. She claimed that she had been suffering from anxiety and depression and that her actions were a result of her mental illness, not her personal beliefs. Didn't hold up in court and she was canned.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

I have never had this happen but I totally agree with you about RACISM it gets really old after a while and if everyone keeps suing for stupid stuff and things they did or didn't do and put the blame on everyone else then things are never going to change. I hope this doesn't effect your job. I bet once they research this guy this isn't the first time he has slacked off on a job and then filled a law suit!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

What a jerk. Well, you discovered his true character. Hopefully they didn't hold it against you at work. All you can do is apologize and tell them you didn't know.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

I am so sorry! What a horrible position you've been put into! It is so unfortunate that he doesn't take more pride in his own work and reputation and that he honestly doesn't seem to realize that he is the problem and the reason he can't seem to hold down a job.

I hope some day he is able to see his own responsibility in everything.

Stay strong, keep working hard and know that you were trying to do the right thing. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

"Certain classes of people... crying racism" sounds pretty racist to me. Jerks come in all colors and both sexes, there are plenty of white guys abusing the system, and plenty of women crying sexism when it clearly isn't true.
I empathize with your situation but you shouldn't be calling out a whole class of people based on one guy who's clearly just an a**hole :(
And yes, I knew a young white girl who was reprimanded for the behaviors you describe above and she decided to file a sexual harassment complaint, saying she was the victim of a "hostile work environment." This was a bar hopping receptionist who frequently came in hung over and dressed like a tart, completely unprofessional. She ended up quitting and getting a job as an exotic dancer!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Not exactly the same situation but when i was in college (large public state school) we had a very diverse student population - and I was taking classes in education (thought i might want to teach someday) and we had a speaker that came in (african american) and proceeded to get up in front of the entire class and pretty much blame all the caucasians in the room for keeping minority students out of programs. i had never been so hot in my entire life. here i was - a 20 year old kid struggling as hard as I could to pay for my education SOLO (my parents never put any money towards my tuition) - and this man has the nerve to stand in front of a group of students and blame US for what is so clearly a societal problem. i totally spoke up - disagreed with every point he made - and as made clear that the SCHOOL POLICY was - for this particular program - that Non-minority students needed a 3.5 to enter - but minorities could get in with a 3.0. What kind of message does that send?? That because you are a minority you don't need to be AS SMART as a non-minority??? IDK - I'm not a minority (whitey-white girl here) but that shiz would piss me off - don't tell me that because of my SKIN COLOR I'm expected to be more or less intelligent than anyone else - I'm as smart as I am regardless of my skin - not as a result.
UGh - i'm flustered just writing this - lol
your friend was wrong and you definitely need to stay out of it if you value your job...good luck
Also- racism has to do with skin color - so your statement Certain classes of people... crying racism - shouldn't be offensive to anyone - it's called reality good lord people


answers from Norfolk on

He can file all the law suits he wants - it doesn't mean he's going to win.
If his performance was lacking from the get go, he doesn't have a leg to stand on and I think his court costs will be on him when he loses his suit.
If you are hired to perform a specific job and then fail to do that job - you will be fired - no matter what color your skin is.



answers from Phoenix on

Sounds like he wasn't want he made himself out to be. I'm sorry you got burned :-( Lesson learned, I suppose.

I wouldn't worry about it. His record speaks for itself. A crappy employee is a crappy employee, period.

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