Spoiled Baby Boyfriend Not Helping

Updated on August 06, 2010
P.M. asks from El Centro, CA
18 answers

my baby is spoiled he cries whenever he doesnt get what he wants. My boyfriend is not helping he gives my baby everything and always picks him up. i want to teach my baby control he is only 11 months old what can i do.

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answers from Indianapolis on

There's no such thing as a spoiled baby. You are supposed to get them every they want/need right now (which is nothing but food, comfort, and a toy now and then). There's nothing wrong with holding a baby that is upset over whatever.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You should give an 11 month old everything. An 11 month old can't secretly plot to manipulate you or a situation to get "what they want." They can't be cunning and devious. If an 11 month old is crying, they are trying to communicate. They don't know how to communicate in any other way. You can't teach a baby control. You are expecting a baby to behave like an adult!!

10 moms found this helpful

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answers from Pittsburgh on

You simply cannot spoil a baby of that age. They cannot be picked up, held, hugged, kissed or spoiled too much. Your boyfriend is right.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

A baby... that young... cannot do things, like an adult.
He is a baby. They can't even talk yet. Their impulse-control is not even developed yet nor fully developed yet.
They 'cry' because that is the only way they can communicate... or because they are not getting what they need be it feedings/comforting.
Or they cry when they are ill or teething or hungry or scared... or going through normal development based separation-anxiety or object-permanence....

A baby this young... cannot "control" their coordination either. They do not have total control, over their emotions either. Emotions are not even developed yet in a baby.
The human brain, is not even fully developed until 26 years old.

A baby is not "spoiled" just because they cry.
Crying... is a way for a baby to express themselves or to communicate... that is the only way they know how... .and they do need to be comforted and soothed... that is how they also gain confidence and security.

all the best,

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

No such thing as a spoiled baby. I held mine and picked them up when ever they cried. You should be giving this baby everything. He is only a baby. An 11 month old baby cannot tell you what he needs he cannot talk. Pick him up and love him!!!

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

How sweet of your boyfriend to always pick him up. My husband had selective hearing and did not like to deal with crying babies (although he is a wonderful father past the baby stage he was just so uncomfortable with babies) This isn't much advice but maybe a different perspective be happy that the baby has an attentive father (parents) I don't think there is anything wrong with picking him up. He is still so little! Giving him what he wants, maybe I guess it depends on what it is. I wouldn't worry so much about spoiling him till he gets a little bigger and then it'll get a little easier to teach him control, I don't think he will 'get it' just yet.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I concur with the other mothers. Your baby does not have the capacity to be manipulative. He is crying because he genuinely needs something. You cannot spoil an 11-month-old. Not responding to your son's needs will teach him that he cannot trust the world. He will become confused about how to get the things he needs, and THAT will cause him to grow into a manipulative child. Love, hug, give your baby all he asks. At this age, if they are crying, they need you!

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

When your son gets to the ripe old age of 2 or 3, he'll begin to have SOME real control over his natural and legitimate impulses. His needs for affection and connection are real and important. I hope you'll allow your boyfriend to offer this to your son if it doesn't come easily to you.

I hope your request is not just a joke to rattle our chains – it sounds like you really know it's not reasonable to expect a baby who is "only 11 months old" to learn "control."

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Babies that young cannot be spoiled, just attended to. You may not have been attended to at the same age so it may trigger a negative reaction from you. Babies should be picked up. When I had my first child, my grandmother told me to treat a baby the way I would want to be treated if I couldn't walk or talk and depended on those around me to care for my basic needs. It is exhausting to care for a baby so thankfully you have your boyfriend to help. Try to talk to someone to come up with a plan of when the baby should be picked up and for how long. I always picked up my kids and did not let them cry. It was more work, but now they are 5 and 10 and very self-sufficient. My friends and sister who let their babies cry now have needy, whiney kids who can't seem to get enough parental attention. The time to give them huge amounts of attention is now. So enlist your boyfriend and friends to help out and enjoy this babytime, it goes so fast. Now my son goes away for 5 nights at a time... it will happen to you too. Enjoy your baby - you lucky mom!!!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Hello, Sorry, but I always have believed that there is a reason for crying and try to attend to the needs of the baby. Even if it is to redirect them.
Good luck with your precious little baby.
K. K.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on


5 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Babies cannot be spoiled! He is communicating the only way he knows how. By ignoring his cries, you are doing more harm than good. He NEEDS YOU! He NEEDS to know you will be there for him. He NEEDS your arms, your love, your unconditional support! Ironically, by not picking him up, he will be MORE clingy when he gets a little older. If you pick him up every time, he will learn independence sooner, have more self-confidence, and be less agitated and fussy.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I guess it's just me...but I've thought for years that spoiling a baby was hurting their little hearts by ignoring their needs, letting them cry, being punitive, disciplining too early, raising your voice at them, slapping their hands, spanking, and hauling them through stores when it was nap/meal/bedtime. You're asking yourself, that's spoiling? I don't think you can spoil a baby, but maybe I mean ruin them! Teaching them that the world doesn't care, that it's a harsh place with unforgiving people. Time to raise your voice and get serious is when they try to dart out into the street or grab a knife off the counter, then you let them know, that is dangerous! "Mom or Dad acted differently, it scared me, I'd better not do that again." That's when you are teaching him self control.

Enjoy this time in his and your life, it's a very special time! Discipline is gentle words, redirection, distraction, and very much love. It's all about needs being met. If he wants something you don't want him to have, redirect him by giving him something you do want him to have. If he's touching something you don't want him to have, move it out of his reach or area. If he cries pick him up! If you meet his needs now, he won't be needy when he's older. I think that the kind of spoiling you're thinking about is an old wives tale!

I carried my sons around until my arms ached, then got baby carriers, back packs to hold them close. I picked them up every time they cried, cuddled them to sleep until they stopped wanting and needing it. I spent time with them everyday even through their teen years. They were always my first priority. Both are involved fathers now, that care for their little ones while their wives are at work. I am amazed at how loving and attentive they are. They play with them, love them, kiss & cuddle, feed, clean and hold them as they go to sleep. It's heartwarming.

The baby days seem long when you are going through them, but when you look back you'll realize that it was such a short period. Pick him up, sing to him, and talk to him! Love on him, cuddle, kiss, and nuzzle that precious little guy. Lucky you having such a wonderful daddy for him, too!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I dont think a child that young can be spoiled. If you dont like the way he's behaving change his behaviour. Its frustrating I think your correct. My husband did the same thing your boyfriend with our first two kids. Ugh. He always thought something was wrong so he would pick the baby up.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

well...there's one poster I agree with. YES -- you can spoil an 11 month old, but 7 times out of ten - they want a hug from mom or dad. My kids could communicate with gestures and some words by that age. 11 month olds are typically almost walking or walking, should be pointing and trying to get your attention in other ways other than tantrums. If your 11 month old is crying do the following - sit down with him, give him a kiss, tell him he's okay, - but you don't have to pick him up right away - you can even give him a little hug while you check his diaper, try to play with him - he probably just wants somebody to play with or some attention - if that doesn't help offer him some "food" (depending on what you consider food - for me it would be nursing at 11 months). If he's still screaming his head off, hold him, then check for signs that he might be ill - like pulling at his ears, etc. Sometimes they are tired and cranky and do need to be coddled before putting them to bed.
Edited to say this - by setting a good example - your boyfriend will change his behavior - but do not get in a fight just to tell him what to do with the baby - men do their best and you should be grateful that he's paying attention to him.



answers from Las Vegas on

Stand your ground, girl! Make sure you explain to boyfriend in a 'safe' time instead of right after an incident. He'll feel like you are being critical of him. Tell him what type of disciplining method you intend to use as your son gets older. It doesn't seem like you can do anything at that age because you can't really do time out (which I thought was TOTALLY stupid until I actually had a kid and it really does work) Redirection and distraction can be used at this age for bad behavior. Suggest to him that when baby is fussing over not getting his way to use distraction or the best trick of all IGNORE the bad behavior. This obviously does't apply to running with scissors but if you begin now to ignore crying when it isn't necessary you'll be fast on your way to a better behaved 2 year old!! You can't reason with a baby and you can't soothe him if he's mad because you won't let them have more chocolate! You are teaching your child how to communicate his needs and wants as well as share and control emotions. It may not seem important because he's so young but if he learns now that crying won't get him what he wants or make him feel better he will stop. Kids really are easy when it comes to this stuff. They do something to get what they want from you. Only respond when the 'something' is good communication not bad (crying and fit throwing) Your boyfriend is trying to be a good guy but he doesn't see the big picture. If your boyfriend is going to be a long term part of baby's life in your home you have to be a team. Tell him you want him to be a strong male figure and teach your son how to have a great family. It's all about team work and keeping the big picture in mind. If I can do it you can!! My husband, MIL, and FIL all live in our home and all 3 of them want to do as your boyfriend is doing. Don't allow yourself to get angry with him. Just as you would with your son be patient cause boyfriend won't change over night!



answers from Cincinnati on

at birth babies cry only when they need something, around 6 mnths they start to firgure out how crying can also get you what you want. my son often cries when I dont give into him, but if you dont react they stop. I'm not saying ignore your baby's crying if you know he needs something. example: my son goes through food phases, now that he is starting to eat more table food I am trying to get him to try new things (mostly what me and my husband are eating instead of just cheerios) if he doesnt reconize it he will cry for something else (those cheerios again!) I just tell him I am sorry but we are eating eggs now not cheerios and thats all your getting. once he firgures out that I am not giving in he stops crying and eats the eggs. (he is also 11 mnths)

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