so what do you do with your kids on the holidays? Last year my ex and I still hosted thanksgiving together at the house hes living in, which was our home, my family came, and his family came, all the aunts, uncles, friends, cousins....we had a blast, noone cared we werent together anymore and my daughter got to enjoy the holiday J. like shes been for the last 5 years of her life. Well this year his parents are TAKING it back they state. His dad says we stole it when we moved out. Not the case, we asked iif we could host our first year in our new home, and they said yes, as long as him mom could still cook the turkey, which worked wonderfuly, we would all cook together, everyone would make their signature dish and we'd all have fun, and no one person was slaving all day,. his mom said she loved this amd loved that she could actually eat and sit down and enjoy her grandkids and kids. Well apparently his dad has always been mad and said that this was not tradition and he DEMANDS it back. So this year we have to split it. I suggested every other year we celebrate on thanksgiving and every other year black friday...I thought this was an awesome plan since his brother does every other year with his parents and they have a step grandkid who does every other year, and theyre always bummed about this, and now my daughter who they're closest to would do every other year. So i thought it was a brilliant idea that our familes trade between black friday and thanksgiving to celebrate each year since they wouldnt still let us host at the house my ex is at...even though were all still friendly... so every year they;d get to see all of their kids and grandkids (ex year one, theyd celebrate on tgiving, year two theyd celebrate on black friday) Well they thik thats crazy, which maybe it is, but its not about the date its about being with family! So now i'm torn on what to do for thanksgiving, I want my daughter to celebrate it with family, but I don;t want her to have to leave and eat half a dinner at one place and half a dinner at the other, with an hour and a half on the road each way, and also its not a holiday to M. without her, I realize thats selfish and that hed have fun with her cousins, so even if I'm bummed I wont let myself stand in the way, but i'm J. wondering does anyone have any awesome solutions?
His parents have invited M. and my fam (excluding my bf..who they know and like as does their son/my ex) to thanksgiving, but their house is too small for 25 people so we wouldnt be able to take them up anyway.
We'd have to eat in shifts if my whole family came
lol i saw my typo about "shifts" i think i meant that we'd have to eat in the bathroom for room...lol
So because one old man is having control issues the entire rest of the family has to rearrange everything? He's not the king. :-) If everyone else is on board then J. stick with what works for everyone whether he likes it or not, or else he'll be divorced within a year or two himself.
Ok, so all of the trading and I WANTS caused my family to start our OWN holiday ... ThanksMas! So, we simply celebrate it with those we would like to when we want to.
That's what I hate about the word "tradition"!!! Things change. Tell your ex-FIL to deal with it. And seriously, what's up with EVERYONE else being cool with the arrangement last year, and your ex's DAD being the problem?! Aren't old men J. supposed to go wherever their wives tell them? (Before you all blast M., I'm *sort of* kidding!) Since everyone gets along it sounds like what you did last year was perfect!
Take 'em up on the offer. Let them see how much of a pain it is. Get your ex-MIL to fight your case for you after slaving all day to cook for all those people.
If you're all as friendly as you seem to be, I would really hate to mess that up (and your daughter's holiday) simply because his dad is being a bit unreasonable.
And, I might J. double-check about the BF. If you ask, they might relent. Don't push it, but J. ask.
Update: You said you'd have to eat in shifts (BTW - double check your spelling there...) if your whole family came - is that because they don't have enough table space for the whole group? I don't think my family has ever had a holiday meal where everyone sat at the table - we camped out on couches, at folding tables, anywhere we could - and that was part of the fun!
We switch everyother year for Thanksgiving. And we alternate christmas morning and afternoon.
We do every other year. Christmas got tricky because it's also SS's birthday but the kids would wake up here or there and then switch later in the day...which unfortunately meant they never come along to my aunt's house to see my side. Thanksgiving we host my in-laws, and my mom comes, so if they're here it's two more plates.
I would try to do whatever you could to make it fair. You naturally want your kids on holidays. But is it fair to run around or miss out because you and your ex want to split the day?
My in laws long decided that getting around ON Christmas is too crazy so we pick a day between the 22nd or so and NYE and have our Christmas then with a nice lunch. It is SO nice to have a relaxed gathering with them and also be able to enjoy my family (who live 2 hours away).
I would reiterate that if they don't like how it was done last year then it will be EO Thanksgiving with your DD and that's J. something xFIL is going to have to deal with. Do you think he's mostly unhappy about you and his son divorcing?
Honestly, as hard as it is, Thanksgiving is honestly less stressful for the every other year schedule. Christmas is a mess. Don't do the split.
When my aunt in law took the year I was finally able to host Thanksgiving I bowed out. I started hosting my in-laws and giving Christmas as my holiday with the family on that side and I am MUCH happier!
I would still go to his parents house, 25 people or not. And rotate years. That's the most fair and easiest way to do it.
We had a decade of her being with dad on Christmas Eve and mom on Christmas morning. Taking turns every other Thanksgiving. There was a lot of bumps and tears and a lot of sad and lonely times. Now, she is all grown up and we all have all our holidays together. For her 18th that's what she asked for for Christmas, that everybody be together and be nice to each other not have to choose or go from place to place. Now, we are one big happy family. All my ex-in-laws, my ex-husband, whoever he's dating at the time and my husband. It's actually a lot of fun and not nearly as akward as you'd think. Warning - it took many many years to be able to do this.
I like your plan. it would allow your daughter to be with her cousins.
What about you taking Turkey Eve -> Thursday breakfast and the ex having Thurs. afternoon?
This is similar to what we do for my family (not divorced). We visit my parents on Christmas Eve and his parents on Christmas.
Tell them that she WILL be there every other year, don't ask, and stick to it. They didn't like your idea so will have to do without her and your company every other year. Thanksgiving is NOT theirs to take back, each family and branch gets to celebrate how they choose, NO one "owns" it. There's no sense in chopping up her day and trying to please everyone. Don't make it a bigger deal than it has to be and have a nice Thanksgiving, for her sake and yours.
Why don't you all have the family vote, why is everyone jumping to attention because of 1 person?
Otherwise I agree to switch years.
This was part of my parents divorce I hated the worst.. I hated all of the tension, the disagreements, people demanding etc.. I J. wanted it to be everyone gets along. I wish your Ex FIL could realize this.
I think that every other year works best. Before my SD lived with us, for the first many years (maybe 7?) my husband and her mom split the day in the afternoon and it really J. sucked for everyone. After that, they split Thursday/Friday and Saturday/Sunday. Her birthday is around the same time so it usually worked that whoever didn't literally have her on Thanksgiving had her on her real birthday.
Are you actually divorced? If so, you should have a legal "parenting plan" in place. This document specifes the time each parent will have the child. Generally it will say something like "mom has child Thurs/fri for tgiving from 9am thurs to 6pm fri for tgiving on odd years" (then dad would have same on even years). It would specify this for every single holiday as well as all school breaks and summers. If you don't have this in place, file it thru the courthouse so you can document it. Its important to have this so its fair to both parents and there is nothing to dispute and argue about. good luck.
I don't really have any advice that works good. My ex and I split the holidays with our 4 year old son. I told him I always wanted the second half of the day. He gets him until 3 and I get him afterwards. I thought the second half was the better half since we wouldn't be rushed when visiting with family. However, it's pretty stinky that he's usually full when I get him. So he doesn't actually eat anything with my family. Maybe it'll be better when he's older and I can tell him to be sure to save room for his other grandma's house. If I were you, I would suggest trading off. This year you get your daughter, next year he gets her. His dad will probably be bummed he can't see her. Well, too bad! Don't be a jacka$$ and then you could see ALL of your grandkids! MEN!! ;)
Ugh. J. the beginning. I've watched my niece over the years split up holidays with her child's father. Wanting so much to be with her son--but so did the dad. Heartbreaking. Watching her go "pick him up at 3:00 on Christmas Day or Thanksgiving Day.
Do you have an agreement that covers how the holidays will be handled?
Probably the easiest is either take your family to the ex's parents house in spite of the lack of space, or you & daughter go there yourselves. Go to your parents for leftovers the next day.
I get your Thanksgiving/Black Friday plan--but you can't expect everyone to adjust their holidays for you...
Good luck whatever you decide!
