Spirited 4 Year Old with Bad Mouth Who Does Not Listen

C., I don't mean this as any kind of attack or judgment on your or your husband's parenting. But, from what you describe about your husband sleeping all day and your son going into the cupboards and feeding himself, and trashing the house, the use of language you don't like and the refusal to clean up after himself...It honestly sounds like your son is crying out for more structure, positive attention, routine and boundaries. He's only 4, and cannot be expected to make his own meals and entertain himself all day. I would strongly consider putting him in daycare every day, if your husband doesn't feel he's up to the task. I'd sit down with your husband and talk about how you two are going to divvy up the tasks to make sure your son is getting what he needs during his day.

Have you ever heard of Sesame Street and Veggie Tales?

Your son is going to be a real big problem if this behavior is not addressed and I think you realize it. This will present itself in the biggest way when he becomes a teenager. I'm really surprised that you don't have any complaints from the day care you already have.

I think you and your husband need to look at your priorities, and I think your son should be #1. There needs to be some big life style changes; when you work, child care, etc.

About Me:
I am 60 years old, have been married for 38 years and have two grown sons 34 and 31. Waiting for my first grandchild to be born.

The problem is your husband. You've got to find a way to get him off the couch. Maybe he's depressed because he is not working? Maybe he could use some counceling. A 4 year old can not be left to supervise himself all day. Stop buying the sugary snacks he's getting into also. As for cleaning up, you can't expect a child that young to completely clean up all his own mess. You can probably get him to help you do it, but he won't do it on his own. If I were you I would look into switching my schedule to days (trying as hard as possible anyway) or putting him in preschool/daycare all day. Then tell hubby now that he has no reason to stay home it's time for him to find a job.

Sorry to be so harsh, but that's my opinion.

You completely reinforce why SpongeBob should be banned from "children's" television. It's awful.
As for your son, I agree with the other poster - if your husband can't give him the attention he needs, then you need to get him in a day care program, or get him a sitter - or get him enrolled in some programs where your husband has to take and supervise him. The current situation shouldn't be acceptable.

i really think he is doing this for attention, and you shouldnt really blame him. he knows no one is watching so he is trying to do things to say come look at me. maybe sit down and have a serious talk with hubby about the amount of attention a 4 yr old needs. maybe set up a dry erase board and make up a schedule for daddy to follow. have what time you eat, including snacks, and non stop activities thruout the day. playdoh, outdoor time, maybe just 1 hour of tv in which dad can get a break, coloring, go for a walk, ect. as soon as you fill up his time he will no longer have the time or the desire to be destructive. also by having it written down maybe even with a little picture so he knows what is coming, will help him stay focused. you need to get hubby on board, he is an adult and needs to be the responsible one. no 4 yr old should be left to fend for himself and you shouldnt have to wake up to a mess. i wouldnt be demanding on the child to pick up his things as if your husband was awake and being a responsible adult, the mess would have been stopped before it got to an unreasonable point, or maybe wouldnt have begun if he was better occupied. if your husband does not improve his caretaking role, i think you child should go to daycare full time as he will be watched and entertained. good luck!!!!

Personally, I think your son's behavior is a reaction to a lack of attention. It sounds like you are either working or sleeping, and your husband is "phoning it in" as a parent. My advice is stay home with your son (not work) and tell your husband it's time to get off the couch and support his family. He may need to get a second job. If you ask me, it's not you son's behavior I would be concerned about....sorry if that sounds harsh. It's just that you seem to be working your butt off getting no support. Your son is the one suffering.

You need to find a discipline method and use it consitantly and your husband needs to follow it as well.

My children are Spongebob fanatics and I have never heard them say the word sucker.'"Stupid,''idiot' and 'kick your butt' are the worst things I have heard from that show - I am always listening to it as I cook, and they know that if they ever use those words they are in big trouble, big trouble. My kids are respectful and kind regardless of spongebob.

Also, stop using him being a redhead as an excuse for his behavior. As a medical professional you should be aware that physical characteristics have nothing to do with behavior. HE is going to use that as an excuse too which is bad. Most behavior such as you are describing, with typical children, which I assume yours is, is learned from somewhere in the immediate environment.

So perhaps he heard you use that word, some other TV show - perhaps while dad is sleeping he is watching something totally inappropriate - even on Disney or Nick, or from school. Someone needs to monitor your child better. Gotta go now - I'll add more later.

hi C., as far as the discipline goes, you have to decide what is and is not acceptable and set up positive and negative consequences and stick to them. dont have consequences that you cant stick to. how about taking away toys? if my kids dont clean up, everything on the floor goes into a big bag and has to be earned back. sometimes i throw things out, depending on how bad the offense was. time out? a reward chart? find what works for him, try to do positive more than negative. it is an ongoing thing. of course none of this can be done if nobody is watching him, and thats not the real worry anyway. if hubby is sleeping on the couch, eventually something bad is going to happen, i would be most concerned for his safety, it is not a good situation at all. im sure hubby tries, but if he is that tired it is not going to work. i think you need to find an alternative. what about a mothers helper to "help out" hubby, so at least if he falls asleep there is someone there? and it will be someone who is focused on your son, playing with him, while hubby can get a break, which your son would probably love.... best of luck to you, D.

I'm sorry this is going to sound harsh, but I agree with the majority of responses, if you or your husband cannot properly supervise your child he should be put in full time day care or with a babysitter. How unfair and frightening for a four year old to be alone all day while both his parents sleep with NO supervision. Children need structure, discipline and lots of attention. He obviously is getting none of this and is acting out for attention and it is not b/c of his haircolor. Your son is not "spirited" he just needs someone to take care of him.

He's just looking for attention and negative attention is better than no attention. If you and your husband can't get him outside more or supervise his time better then you should think about enrolling him in daycare where he's in a more structured program.

My oldest grandson is the same age and cleaning up is a game. My daughter will say something like "I bet I can put away 3 toys faster than you." and of course he knows he's faster so that's 6 toys put away before the next challenge is issued.

Your son is reacting to his environment the only way he knows how. It's time to rethink how you and your husband are raising your children. Your husband needs to understand that his failure to maintain some sort of loving structure during the day is contributing to this problem. He needs to get his son out of the house and involved in some activities -- swim class at the Y, soccer, a long walk in the park or the woods with his dad, a play date with the neighbors, etc. You also can't expect your son to clean up when he's been allowed to be in charge of himself all day. It's time to take back parental responsibility. Go to empoweringparents.com and get some tips -- then DO them!

Hello, as parent of a 4 year old spirited child I can relate to your issues. He is probably acting out simply because he is bored. Spirited children need to be entertained constantly. Daycare would probably be your best bet in this situation. Its hard when both parents work and are exhausted and their child is full of energy. Its draining. We just have to find ways to channel that energy. Hang in there.... Good Luck!

Hi, I understand, I have 3 kids, my youngest is now four and I always thought 4 was a difficult age. My 2 dtrs went through this at this age, and now my son is. The potty mouth is a normal stage but I did not tolerate the talk in my house. I used a bar of soap, at first they just got a little soap in the mouth, but for repeat offenses the same day, they had to keep the (small, like a sample size) bar of soap in their mouth for about a minute. Some people think it sounds terrible, I think it's effective and it is not harmful, just yucky. It took awhile to work with my girls...my son only needed it once about a month ago, I have not heard any potty talk since then. Although I have heard other boys at his daycare talk like that.
Picking up...when mine all went through stages of refusing, I got a big garbage bag and toys were "thrown out" until they began to pick up again. That worked pretty quickly as well. Once they were willing to pick up I had to help cue them so it would be put away, not just thrown out of sight. I would be in the room and pick up a block and say let's count to see who can put the most blocks in this box", etc. It helped them learn to put things where they go (alhtough I would still go straigten out once they were in bed).
Those are the easy issues, the lack of supervision is a big dissue you and your husband need to discuss. Is there a reason why your husband is sleeping on the couch during the day? If he is not working, could he be depressed? My husband has been out of a job for awhile but everyday he is busy with projects or sending out resumes. This is an example you might not want to set for your son, if Dad isn't interacting with him then he might be better supervised at daycare.
Good luck! Remember, your son will outgrow this phase, but it is up to you to teach him what he needs to learn from it. If he learns it's ok to talk potty and not pick up, then you are in for a rough road ahead.

Hi C.,,
I am a mother of 2, grandmother of 2 and I have done day care for 15 yrs. (from newborn to 12 yrs.) Not counting the years before my children were born. I know my answer to be true because I've gone through it with ALL of the children.
As I found with my 4 yr. old granddaughter is to ignore the bad mouth. When she starts talking with the bad mouth then she wants to talk to me I won't answer I act like I don't hear her. Then she realizes what she did wrong then tells me that she's sorry for using the bad words. The more attention you bring to the bad mouth the more he'll do it.
About your husband sleeping instead of paying attention to his son... SHAME ON HIM. That could also be the reason for the bad mouth. But yes I agree you should put him into daycare. It will help alot.
Good Luck and enjoy him he's at such a fun age :)

I think your son is reacting to his environment. He's not getting the attention and decipline he needs. Given the daycare VS what you have going chices, I would opt for daycare. There are some wonderful places that will teach many things. Maybe your son is bored, and lack of learning is the reason. I don't personally think it's his job to clean up all the mess, even if he's the one making it. Your husband needs to be a better caretaker, and not fall sleep during his watch. What hours does he work? A mess, even small, can look overwhelming to a child. I would say get him to clean by offering to help and making it a fun activity. The struggle only adds tension to the situation. If I were you, I would start by making some posiitive changes to the family. Enroll your son full time, he will get much more out of it that being home with no supervision. Your husband also should step up his game, sleeping while supervising a child is not acceptable, nor is laying on the couch and watching TV. It sounds more like, your son is watching himself and there is no adult supervision. He is probably finding and eating sugary snaks which only adds to his behaivor.