Specific Ideas on Anger Direction

I found that THE BEST parenting technique is mirroring their feelings, which always reduces the behavior. The preschool that my kids attended had monthly speakers and I learned that technique from one of them. All you have to do is describe to the child what you perceive he is feeling: "It looks like you are mad because __________ (fill in blank)." You often don't have to say much more. And you don't usually have to "fix" the situation either. Often the child just can't have what he wants, but mirroring his emotion makes him feel better. Try this technique -- it's AMAZING! It will even work on your husband.

Hi A.,

I love this question and reading the answers! I get so frustrated when I hear a parent suffocating their child's emotions because they are not "appropriate". At three, what is appropriate? When it is the first time you have every felt angry or cheated because another child took something away from you, how are you suppose to act? I believe giving children the tools to deal with their emotions instead of telling them not to feel them is what we should be doing.

I like the mom who said blowing out her anger is the way she and her daughter work theirs out. It’s physically expressive, yet not destructive. I also like the suggestion of sending them to their room to have their release and then make up their own mind when they are ready to re-join society. And the one with the punching bag in the garage….although I believe that one is not age appropriate for a three year old.

Think about what you do to release your feelings…Cry, go jogging, find a quiet space, throw things, call a friend, etc.? Your child probably has the same needs. If not ask your husband the same question. Probably the hardest one to deal with is physical aggression, which sounds like the one you are enquiring about. Explaining to him that if he is angry he can stomp his feet as hard as he wants to, but hitting Tommy is not acceptable behavior, is a start. One important thing to remember with children such as these is to be sure your reaction is calm and your facial expressions are large. If he lashes out and hits you, don’t hit back or grab his arm in anger, but hug your self tight and back away from the child looking very sad. The attention then becomes diverted from them onto you and it becomes about their action not about them being bad. Think of things like throwing play dough against the table, or throwing pillows/pillow fight, stomping feet, yelling really loud. And communicate! If you want your children to “use their words” then you need to give them the correct words to use. Say, “I can see that makes you really angry when Tommy takes things from you. Can you tell me how you are feeling?” or “Can you tell Tommy how that makes you feel.” Help them understand their feelings and you will learn how to teach them to deal with them.

My husband and I tell our son (5) that is is ok to be angry or frustrated. Since he was 3and 1/2 we have been telling him that when he gets angry or frustrated he should go to his room until he is ready to talk about it in a civilized manner. He will go to his room and when he's ready to talk he'll emerge. Sometimes this takes only 5 minutes, sometimes he's in there for an hour (reading or playing). We try not to disturb him during these times and if we must we always knock on his door before entering. We have found by letting him decide when he's ready to talk our discussions about why he's upset go much more smoothly. We don't even have to send him to his room anymore, he sends himself.

When my 18 month old gets angry, we get out the play-dough and throw it against the ( clean) kitchen floor. When I get angry, I also get out the play dough and throw it against the kitchen floor. It's easy to make ( salt, flour, cream of tartar, water) and easy to clean up. It's good to express anger (safely)!

I am curious to see others' suggestions on this as well as I'm sure there are many good ideas out there. I have told my very red-headed daughter that she can express her anger however she wants, as long as it is in her room with her door shut. To me, this is appropriate because later in life when she is out in the working world, there will be times when she is angry - but she must learn to contain it until she's in an acceptable location. She goes into her room and screams and yells, throws her stuffed animals, cries, gets it all out of her system, and then when she feels better, she comes out as if nothing happened! We don't mention it either. Her tendency before we put this rule into place was to scream and yell at Mommy and Daddy (not acceptable!), or worse, at her little sister. So, telling her to go get it out of her system in another room seems to work for us. She can be as MAD as she wants, all by herself.

My cousin's little boy (same age as my daughter, 5) has a punching bag they set up for him in the garage. If he gets too ornery, they send him in there for a while and I hear that it does work for him!

Although I'm not a mommy yet, I have been a nanny for the past year and a half. I have found that making them sit at the table and color tends to calm them down enough to talk to them about why they're angry. When my baby is born and starts the anger emotion, I will use this to calm them down. It works for my kids and I hope it'll work for yours.

Good Luck!

My daughter is 2 1/2 with a temper.(she gets it from me) I always acknowledge her feelings and why she is feeling angry. When she is crying, I tell her it's okay to cry if she needs to. Then I calmly talk about the "bad feelings" she is having. I ask her to take a deep breath with Mommy and "blow out those bad feelings". We do it over and over until she calms down. The other day she was really angry because I flushed the toilet and she wanted to.(she was stalling at bedtime) I explained that she had her chance and while she was crying she was trying to say something. I finally understood after the 3rd or 4th time I understood. She was saying "I want to take a deep breath"! She reminds me to blow out the "bad feeling" when I get upset now. So cute and right! I read somewhere that is important to validate their feelings and it seems to work for us.
Good luck,
L.

Hi A.! I agree with some of the other responses...in that you should tell him that what he is feeling is okay. We all feel angry sometimes. Just point out to him that certain behaviors are unacceptable. I have 5 children, four are now teens. My youngest, also a boy, is 7. We had quite a time with him hitting his sisters when he'd become angry. Because he is a boy and extremely active (sports wise), we decided too, that his anger needed to be re-directed. Our solution was to buy a small punching bag that we hung in the garage and we bought gloves as well. We told him that anytime that he felt angry or felt like he wanted to hit something, that the only thing he would be allowed to hit, was the bag. It worked great and he no longer hits his sisters. I am not a fan of boxing by any means, but the physical activity allowed him to "get it out" in a safe manner. Since your son is only 3, you may want to find something a little softer that he can hit without getting into trouble. Some might think this idea a little out there, but it worked like a charm for us. His behavior is wonderful, we have very few problems with him, he's doing great in school and is very social. Worth a thought?

S. M