Spacing of Children

For some reason, people seem to always think other peoples' lives are their business. We only have one daughter (2 1/2 years) and due to medical reasons, we will not be having anymore. People know that the docs have said I can not carry another child and we are ok with this and happy with the family we have, yet people still make their comments.

I try to ignore them, but if they are rude and persist, then I usually have to get firm (sometimes rude back).

I have two children. My daughter was 3 1/2 when her brother was born. I think this age difference is good, she was such a help and really adores her brother. They fight like all siblings, but for the most part they are buddies. I had 3 siblings that were 4 1/2, 11 and 16 years younger than me. I am closer to the youngest one. He was 7 when I got married and spent every summer with us until he got married himself. I don't think it matters what the age differences are, I think it is all how the parents handle it.
Good luck to you and don't worry about what others say.

K.

I think 3 1/2 or 4 years is a perfect age gap. They aren't too far apart in age, but the older child is more independant, most likely potty trained, and able to help out a little bit. This is the age gap I'm planning on.

Hi M.! I have a son who is 9 and a daughter this is 3 so I am very much in this boat with you. the thing is that I enjoyed my son so much I just didn't even think of having more untill he was almost 3, but things didn't go as planned & it took another three years to concieve. I was told my kids would never play together as well -being so far apart, but the truth is they love each other so much & play together everyday! Maybe it's just my boy, but he really enjoys having a little sister (that was his 5th B-day wish) so cute! :)
I totally understand how you feel about others butting in, maybe they just want to give you advice, but you can't turn back the clock so just nevermind what they say.
I have to say I really loved the fact that I was able to have all that quality time with my newborn during my son's first year in Kindergarten. So really do what feals right to you & YOUR family. lol

This is my first response to mamasource -I hope I've helped :)

I have two girls and they are 5 + years apart..I do not think it matters...the older one has always been very protective of her little sister. My sister has four kids and they are spread out and now she adopted two little boys that she was foster caring...so there is 20 years between her oldest and the little ones and they get along so well. She adores them...I do notthink it is anyones business how you space your kids..it is only their opinions and I would take itwith a grain of salt. You and you hubby are the ones that have to make the decision when you feel comfortable and look at all the precious time your oldest has had to be the center of attention and not share it with anyone.
You are doing great!....L.

I feel that whatever YOU think is best for your family is best. I think that people should mind their own business on personal matters unless asked. I don't think that spacing matters much around the space you are talking about. My brother and I are about 4 years apart and we are close. So do whatever you feel is best. It is your life and no one has to live it but you.

I also have a boy. He is 4 1/2. His sister was born this June. Fortunately we were never told to have one sooner. I wanted one, but my husband wasn't ready. The timing was left in God's hands. I have really enjoyed it so far. My son loves his sister and shows no signs of resentment. He sings to her and is very helpful. His only complaint seems to be that mom can't serve him as fast as she used to.

I haven't read any of your answers, but let me say this. 1. You are 36 years old. It's harder to get pregnant when you are older. 2. I have had 2 children *so far* whilst attending college, and have four total. The additional children don't really make it harder to go to school, but then, I am blessed with being able to go and not put my kids in daycare.

Ok... I was the youngest in my house. My brothers were 4 and 5 years older than I was. I constantly was made to feel like I was in the way (could have been my sex, but I think age had a lot to do with it as well) and I ALWAYS felt alone. I was a very lonely girl surrounded by three older brothers who wanted nothing to do with me.

Family planning isn't anyone else's business (I want a fifth and am constantly being asked when I will stop, as though 5 children is a huge difference from 4 lol) but everyone has an opinion and feels the need to share theirs. Personally, I think a 4 year spread is too large, also, you have to remember that it can take up to a year or more for you to get pregnant. If you start trying when your child is 3.5, you may not get pregnant until they are 4.5 and then you have another 9 months being pregnant, so the real spread would be 5.4 years... and thats only if you do get pregnant right away. Just something to think about. Plus, it's not too difficult being pregnant while attending school, as long as you are lucky and have a problem free pregnancy. I had my last in July, so I have a good 2 month window before school starts up again. :)

Of course, saying all that, I fail to mention that my oldest is 13 and the next one down is 5 (then 3 and new baby)... the 13 year old was 7 when the second was born and was really excited and helpful, but now she's not so excited. For one, when I get pregnant, it's proof that her parents have sex and that's just gross. :P Anyway, good luck on TTC when you DO, and don't let anyone discourage you. have fun too!

We attempted to space ours 2 and a half years apart, but due to a m/c, it was 3 years and 3 months. It worked out better because they are still close enough to play together, but the older one is more independent and can help his little sister.

My two children are 3 1/2 years apart...and at 6.5 and 3 (right now), they get along great. I've known kids 12 years apart who get along great...it all depends on how they are raised. If their parents raise them to trust and love each other, to support each other and be kind, the children will (despite the little tiffs common with ANY sibling relationship). At the same time, if parents play favorites, each parent "picking" a favorite child at the expense of the other, the children will grow up as rivals. We involved our daughter in the birth of her brother so much that, once she came to see me in the hospital after he was born (I had a C-section, so she couldn't be there), she asked me if, when I came home, I would be bringing "her baby" with me. Brandon has been "hers" ever since...and I think you sound conscientious enough that you will raise your kids with love, and that is all that matters, not how far apart in age they are.

Good luck, and enjoy getting your degree!

Hi M.,

I have two kids 4 years apart and i think that is the best. I have a 5 year old son and a one year old daughter. My son is a very good big brother, he is old enough to understand about babies and that he needs to be carefull around her and that mommy needs his help sometimes. Him and his sister so far are very close to each other, when one gets hurt or sad and cries the other one tries to make the other one feel better. they really are very sweet to each other. If you want to wait 4 years than wait 4 years dont worry about what other people tell you about waiting to long.If you were to have another baby now your son probally would not really understand what is going on and the special time you have with him will not be aas often and he might takt it out on the baby because he does not understand. When he is 4 he will understand better what is going on and love the baby more.
That is my opinion, I hope it helps and good luck with school i have been going to school for a while also trying to become a teacher so i can have a better schedual to be with my kids.

Hi M.,
You're right, it is only your business and you know what is best for you. My first two children are 4 years apart, both boys. They are just fine. They love each other, the little one looks up to the big one, no mommy sharing issues, and we are happy with the spacing. Since you will be waiting until after your schooling, you will have the energy, stability, and time to give them both individual attention since their needs will be different.
My sister-in-law's children are about 2.5 years apart, and it is so hard to give them both attention because they want it at the same time and want the same kind. The parents have their hands full.
I think you are making a fine decision.
e

Well first off what you do with your family is no ones buisness. But as far as spacing goes all of my kids are 2 1/2 years apart and they get along great for the most part. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we didnt start getting along until this year but my brother and I are 7 years apart and we always got along good. I dont know if it really matters but that is what I have seen, Hope it helps.

C.

People are just giving their OPINIONS...lol. That said, I have four wonderful children; Abbie 13, Joel 10, Noah 8 1/2 and Rebekah 2 1/2. I hoped you smiled when you saw the age gap between the last two =-)

When I was pregnant with my third people were like, was this one an accident? They just couldn't understand why I wanted to be in the over 2 crowd(having more than 2 kiddos). I don't think people stop and think before they make a comment like that. I hope that is the case with your situation as well.

The six years in between the last two is a good distance. The older ones are a great help and they get to appreciate their littlest sister. Boy does my little one have a vocabulary though, a good one that is. She comes up with things that I stop and wonder how she put that complex sentence together. OH, yeah...she has three older siblings!

I think you have an excellent plan of having the kids 4+ years apart, I wish you well with your nursing degree and getting pregnant a second time.

K.

It isn't anyone else's business. My sister and I are 4 years apart and are now very close friends. I think there are pros and cons regarding any type of spacing-- but I would just focus on how it will work for your family and ignore the unwanted advice!

Hi M.
First let me start by saying your right, your family planning in NO one's business. However you did ask for our opinions in this case. If waiting that long makes the most sense to you then do it, whatever will you work for your family. However with that said my sister and I are 4 years apart and have NEVER gotten along. I know other people with that same spacing who just don't get along with there siblings. I honestly haven't meet anyone withthat spacing who does get along.I think the biggest worry is that your oldest has had 4 years of being alone, it is a big adjustment. I didn't plan on having my kids SO close together but I must say the adjustment period was non-existant in my house. My oldest just thought that's how life was there was NO difference in any behavior. I have a friend who's brother (they are 5 years apart) will actually say that everything was great in his family till his sister came along.
Know like I said your family is your business, plus your finishig school to make you a better mom and to have a better life for you kids. So with that said you'll do the 4 years and just start reading early on different ways to prepare your oldest and write mamasource for ideas on how to make the transition in a few years.
Best of luck and again this is only my opinion I'm sure you'll get 100 more telling me I'm dead wrong.

hello...im from a family of 9 kids...my parents didnt belive in using birth control, for religious reasons....i have a 2 year old son and a 1 year old son and am 4 months pregnant now....i stay at home and dont work, my husband is in the milietary an we move around alot. we just moved from washington state to virginia...we have a very strong marriage and from being from a big family i would love to have alot of kids but honestly in dont know how my mom did it...i feel myself getting more tired everyday and always call my mom for help about anything...but i know right now it is a little rough and some days are harder than others...but i feel like kids are the greatest thing we will ever bring into this world...no job or amount of money will ever be as special to me....some day when im old and thinking back on my life i will be so proud of my decision on haveing kids....i do plan on taking a break after this third child is born...a year or two is what were thinking....just because i really need to lose some weight and get in better shape for health reasons....but any way my husband was from a family with three kids....and they were all spaced....but to me they dont get along and seem to have nothing in common....my family who grew up with not much ...we still are the best of friends and our parents always tell us how they wouldnt change a thing.....id love to have more kids but its h*** o* my body physicaly and i need to get in to better shape i cant wait till this baby is here well hope my babbling about my life helped out alittle....take care

Like others have said before me here, it's no one elses business. My sister and I were five years apart and she's always been one of my best friends. I now have three sons. The first two are 5 years apart, and the third just turned 7 weeks. Personally, I like the 5 year difference. My oldest understood a bit what was going on when his little brother was born, he was able to help me and he had fun doing it. And if I could go back, I would have put a little more difference in age between the youngest two.

But honestly, it doesn't have a whole lot to do with the difference in age between the kids. It has to do with how much you include them in everything. My mom made a point of including me in everything when it came to my sister and I never resented her or felt jealous of her. I've done the same thing with my boys and the two oldest LOVE playing together. Since I continued that when my baby was born, my 2 year old LOVES holding, talking to and trying to amuse his little brother.

Do what's best for you and your husband though. You are the parents and only your opinion matters on this subject.

Hi M.!
I am a 38 yr mom of a 2 1/2 yr little girl. You are right, it's nobody's business! I have a friend who has a 15 yr girl and a 18 month old son. I have an 18 yr stepdaughter and 15 yr stepson. See there is some spacing there. And 4 yrs difference is great I think!

I would like to meet people with kids around my daughter's age. I work full time and it's hard to find "playgroups" for people like us. Let me know if you are interested :)

L. S.

Spacing kids is absolutely none of anyone's business. It never ceases to amaze me how many people think they should comment on anyone else's life without being asked.

With this question as well as most others, there is no hard and fast rule or answer. It depends. I know many families where children who are close in age get along well. In other cases, they don't. The fighting and misunderstandings can make family life miserable.

When kids are farther apart in age, the older will either have her own life, friends etc. or she might take on the parenting, protective role.

My kids were in the former category and my grandchildren who are closer in age (about three years apart) are absolutely wonderful with their younger siblings.

My advice is to do whatever works for you. Your children will be fine as long as you do your best with each child. To me, having children close together and thinking that they will necessarily be close is a bit of a folly. You just never know.

Hope this helps.

L.

Hi margret, First of all it's no one elses business about spacing but your own and when you are ready. I have a set of twins that are almost 17 in Nov. my 3rd. child is 13 so they are almost 4 years apart and my 4th. child is 12 and they are 10mo. apart. All my kids are really close and as they get older they seem to get closer. It seems to me that the longer you wait in spacing you don't get all the fighting, well a little bit but it,s not to bad. Me and my brother were 2yrs. 9mo. apart and it seemed like we use to fight all the time when we were younger but that's my opinion. In the end it's all up to you and when you are ready. So best of luck to ya

I personaly think its a personal choice on how you space your children!
Personally I think its a great age differece, Because that way you can enjoy all the great states with your son now, and then your son will be more independant when you have baby.

My dau was 4 when we had our son. I did it deliberately b/c I wanted her to be through the 'me-centered' 2 year old stage where I really wanted to devote my attention to her and I wanted her to be walking so I didn't have to deal w/ double strollers, double diapers etc. It worked really well for us, the only drawback was that she was used to having our attention to herself and it was a little bit of an adjustement to have another child in the home b/c i Think she understood what that meant to her (as opposed to being younger and not realizing what was happening or being able to verbalize it.)

I heard exactly the same thing when my oldest was little! Those people drove me nuts! They would talk to me about how the kids need to be close in age so they would "bond" and play with one another and be close when they grew older. HA!

My sister and I were only 18 months apart. We weren't close growing up and my mother still regrets how much less attention she had to give my sister than she was able to give me. There are hardly any baby pictures of my sister because my mother was so busy trying to keep up with a busy toddler!

My kids are 3 years apart and I would have LOVED it if they could have been 5 years apart (so my oldest would have started school). Three years apart has worked very well for us so far. (And considering I had TWINS, I'm really glad they weren't closer together!) I think your family planning is based on sound and logical reasoning and that's what's important!

I've been a nurse for almost 10 years and it's the greatest career ever, especially when you have kids. Welcome to nursing!! I remember how stressful nursing school was, especially at the end so I support you in waiting until after graduation to have another child. Not that you can't have another one now, but it will be really hard.
As far as waiting too long, well, that's just someone else imposing their belief on you and it's not fair. I think 4 years is not too long. My first 2 kids were exactly 2 years apart and it was great, but so is having my 3rd kid almost 4 years after my second kid.
Whether you have them closer or farther apart, either way it's great. Do what's best for you. Best of luck with nursing school and parenting.

Hi, M.. I have two boys and they are 8 years apart. Had my 1st son at the age of 24/25 and 2nd at the age of 32. It's like having two only childs. It can be rough because the little one does not understand that he can't do the same things as the older one. They fight like regular siblings do but the older one tries to more of adult/parent to him and it can be tough. I wouldn't suggest having your children a more then 4 years. I hope this helps a little. Good Luck and whatever you choose.
S.

M.-

Don't let what people say bother you, someone will always have an opinion. My 1st 2 boys are 5 years apart and it has worked out nicely (though people certainly had comments about me waiting too long) but it has been nice that my older boy is more independent and can help with his brother. ANd now I am pregnant with my 3rd son, and so my 2 youngest will only be 2 years about, and yet again, people make comments about me having this one too soon.. and honestly I am a little nervous about having 2 little ones, in diapers and needing alot- though I know i will manage.

All that to say, whether your kids are spaced close or far apart you will get people telling you that you should have planned differently, and there are pros and cons to both ways- so just do what works best for you nad your family

take care,
K.
www.mamamonkey.com

OK, first off, everyone thinks you want/need their advice! Remember when you were pregnant & everyone knew better than you did about your body, your baby, your life?! Yeah...that will continue till the end of time!
My sisters & I are 5 & 10 years apart. Then when we were 19, 14 & 9 our little brother was born. The age differences have their pluses & minuses.
Pluses:
We were always Mom's helpers with our younger sibs. I know it was nice not to have more than one in diapers, nursing, sleeping through the night... As we got older, only one every five years needed a car, college money...etc. We are all VERY close now.
Minuses:
Growing up, we didn't relate to each other at all. We always went to different schools, so that meant multiple stops in the mornings & pick-ups in the afternoon. My oldest sister (now 40) & our little brother (now 21) barely know each other, but they're working on their relationship.

My daughter is 4. I want to have another VERY soon. I wish we had had another a year ago. But it is what it is. I hope this helps.
Take care!
S.

Hi M.,

I have a daughter who just turned seven and my husband and I are planning to conceive next month. We deliberately waited this long so that we could spend the first seven years of our child's life completely devoted to and focused on her. Also - it was helpful to us financially to wait this long so that we could make sure our daughter had a college fund, and we had money set aside for orthodontics and such.. Doing it this way just made sense to us. Our daughter is VERY excited to become big sister and has been asking about when we will have another baby for over a year. This has helped to build a sense of excitment and positivity surrounding our upcoming pregnancy ..

There were definitely folks who expressed strong feelings about waiting to give our daughter a sibling .. everyone will have their opinions. It's important to recognize that what's good for some, isnt necessarily good for others - Feel confident that you know what's best for your yourself and your family! I also am a nurse, I work in women's health and family planning. As a health worker you are provding an essential service to the community - major kudos to you for choosing such a noble career!!

Best of luck to you and your family!!

M.,

I have to tell you, no it's not really an issue to space them out. I had 2 girls, about 2.5 years apart, they were great friends until about 2 years ago when they started with their little attitudes. However, in my 3rd semester of nursing school, I gave birth to our son, 5 years apart from my youngest daughter. (great idea to WAIT till after school!) I assure you they are great friends. My advice to anyone having another child, let the other be a part of the baby's life. Let them help out as much as possible, even with changing diapers, feeding the baby, grabbing toys, grabbing wookies(pacifiers for those not from Texas.) We even had a special situation because my son had open heart surgery at birth, one 11 days later and finally came home after 5 weeks in NICU, and had a feeding tube down his nose. My girls still wanted to help and I let them do as much as was safely possible. Now the three of them are inseparable, expecially the 2 youngest. My daughter sometimes has trouble understanding that he is too young to understand the rules and manners mom stresses, but we still manage.

As far as nursing, great job and thank you! Nurses are in such demand! I have a home business with Arbonne and my family still has issues understanding why I still work as a nurse. I work on my own time, thanks to the financial peace Arbonne offers, but I love my work! Best of luck and if you need advice or someone to listen to you scream and cry, just give me a buzz! Take care and best of luck! www.J..myarbonne.com ###-###-####

M.:
Only you & your husband know what the best time to haver a baby is. Every family with children can tell you a hundred different stories. Follow your heart & instincts and everything will be okay.
Good luck to you.