Soon to Be Splitting

I was scared of the same thing. It's been a few years and the kids know. I always tell them mom and dad have different rules. For what ever reason men always hang themselves. It didn't take long for him to find a girlfriend and blow off his kids when it was convienent or to play daddy when he wanted to. The kids pick up on that.

Hi, S.. I am looking at this from my son's perspective at the moment. He is also 8. I would start the conversations lightly, asking him how he feels about what he might see going on with you and your husband. If there has been tension between you two, he has noticed it. Let him start voicing his feelings about that. Chime in when appropriate about how you are feeling, maybe saying "daddy and I seem to get along better when we are not together" or statements similar that might pave the way for what is coming. Have you investigated all roads to preserve the marriage and nothing has changed? I would not bring anything up until you are 100% sure your marriage can not be mended. There is no way your son will not be affected by the divorce, but you can prepare yourself so you can cushion the fall. You and your husband need to lay out some discipline guidelines that you will both follow after the divorce, because you are right in thinking that you will be seen as the mean one. I would also suggest counseling for him after- to help him deal with any feelings he may have that he doesn't want to share with you. I hope you have as smooth a transition as possible. God Bless.

Just make sure your son knows that he is loved by his parents and try to make sure that he never hears anything but good things about his dad from you, that will help alot. It will be difficult and it can be scary to think you will lose your child to a "more fun dad" but in the end things will work out if you have faith and it sounds as though you do. Good luck, I'll pray that everything turns out good for you and your son. I am a single parent and I have to deal with the fact that my childrens father is alot less strict and I have spoken to the counselors about it and all of their advice has gotten me through, so I'll tell you what they told me: You will have your rules and he will have his, you can't make the rules for him when he's not with you, you do what's best for your child when you have your child.

I think that you BOTH need to sit down and talk w/ him, tell him that you LOVE him, but that you cannot be together. Do not pit one against the other...as I hear and see this all the time and the only one the parents hurt are their kids.....

I hope that you have exhausted all avenues, as in this day/age, while it is acceptable to be a single parent...let's face it...it is so much better to have 2 parents. I pray that you have gone to counseling/clergy for help.

Just a little confused your "A little about me" says you are 24 but have been married 15 years.

I think the best thing is to just be honest with your kid and explain it all to him.

Good luck with everything.

Talk to your son at the same time & let him know that that it's not because of him & nor is it his fault. If it helps any most boys cling to their mother's. I wish you the very best of luck & God Bless!

There is a great organization called Kids in the Middle that helps families and children get thought divorce. Please contact them and it will make all the difference in making sure that you and your husband are working in the best interest of the child.

S.,
I'm sorry to hear about what you are facing. It is never easy. When my now ex and I separated I simply told our children that Mom and Dad weren't going to live together anymore, but we both still love them very much. I reasured my daughter that it wasn't anything that she did, and just made sure she knew that I love her.

My situtation isn't quite the same as yours my kids were 5, 3, and 10 months when we separated. They didn't really have much of a relationship with their father, and they seem to have adjusted well. My ex, however, told my daughter that Dad made some bad choices (like cheating on me repeatedly, sorry I had to throw that in there) and Mommy didn't love him anymore. I felt like smacking him. Please try not to dump your emotional baggage on the kid. Find a support network and vent to them, preferably when your son isn't around.

I do my best not to bad mouth their Dad when my kids are within earshot. Even when I'm on the phone with other people, I've found I have to watch what I say when my oldest daughter is home from school. I have also found that when he plans to do something with them it is easier not to tell them about it until he actually shows up, rather than face their disappointed looks when I have to give them his latest lame excuse why he can't do it afterall.

If you feel that you or your son need couseling I would do it. It is nice to have help through this transition in your lives. As far as discipline goes, I would do my best to maintain the current rules you have already established. This probably isn't the time to introduce new rules, but maintaining the old rules may give him some stability in a world that is otherwise being turned upside down.

I hope at least some of that is helpful. Make sure you have a support network in place find good friends, a counselor, family, church, support groups, etc to help you. Being a single Mom isn't easy, and it helps when you have people to turn to for support. I wish you the best as you and your son make this difficult transition.

Sometimes kids feel like its their fault. Reassure him that both parents love him, and this decision to divorce was made for adult reasons. Let him know he will be safe and cared for.
Even well meaning parents may use their children to gain information about the other parents new lifestyle. Try not to let this happen it can be very upsetting for children
See if you can find a Divorce Care Class in your area to help you with the many issues that come up in a divorce. You can do a search on www.divorcecare.org

Be prepared to seek some counseling for your son as well as for yourself and husband. A good friend of mine went through the same thing a few years ago with her son. He is 10 yrs. old now, but had a hard time accepting the divorce. You may be able to find a counselor through your lawyer or simply go online for more information. I'm sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it can't be easy for you. My friend had a lot of guilt and it was very hard for her, but after a few years she is doing great and so is her son. Take care.
V.

You need to be honest with him. Kids are not stupid and soon enough he will figure it out. They can sense these things even if they dont physically see what is going on. Being honest with him will make it easier for him to cope. Not telling him could be the worst thing to do. Kids usually will be upset at one parent or the other or think that it is their fault, but you dont want him upset with both of you and totally rebel.

I think dad's tend to be more fun, but that is because they have us there to do the disipline. My husband steps in and helps because he knows I do not always want to be the "bad guy" but in general he is still more fun than I. He is naturally more playful! But we each bring something to the table that the children require. While your son may have "more fun" with dad he might really like soemthing you offer, perhaps the nuturing you give. When the two of you split there will be SO many emotions for him to try to sort out, and since you will not be there to discipline(while he is as dad's), dad will have too.
I watched my brother and several friends go through this and my advise to everyone in this situation is do not excuse bad behavior. That does not mean do not understand, it means do not make excuses. As I said, he will have a lot of emotions to sort out, but he needs to find a positive way to do this. If he is having trouble talking to you or his dad, find him somebody else to talk to. It is hard not to make excuses, I tell my children things like "I know you are tired and maybe that is why you are acting this way, but it is not acceptable" That shows that I understand but will not make an excuse for poor behavior.
Also, never talk bad about his father in front of him. I am sure you already know this and you are probably very careful, but there will be times when you let your guard down, children have amazing hearing! I also say that it is ok to show that you are sad, share how hard it is with you too, this will help the two of you connect.
I wish you all the best and am sorry to hear that things are not working out anymore.

S.,

I am sorry to hear that your marriage is not working. I am a divorce attorney, and I recommend "Parenting After Divorce" by Philip Stahl to all my clients with children. While it talks about how to handle common parenting situations after a divorce, it also offers great advice on what you can do to help your children as they go through this process. At the back of the book, there is a list of age-appropriate books to read with your child that deal with divorce.

Keep in mind that your son needs both a mother and a father, even if you no longer get along with his father and the two of you do not see eye-to-eye on parenting matters. No matter what happens, you will always be your son's mother, and he will always love you. You will not lose him to his father, but your fears about this can end up putting your son in a difficult situation, and will make things much harder for everyone.

I wish you all the best.

L.