Sons & Puberty

My best advice would be to try to relate, as best you can, to what he is going through. I have 4 boys ages 11 - 20 and a 13 year old daughter, so I have plenty of experience with puberty. I just try to look at things more from their view than mine. My view is taited with time and expereince. When I let them know that I'm willing to get on their level to talk to them about things that are important to them makes them open up to me more. It also has made them a bit less hostile towards me. No matter what you do there is going to be bad times. It's just the way it is. Good luck.

I am in the same boat with my 11 year old!!! I thought having a boy would eleviate all this puberty nonsense I went through and put my own parents through! Nobody told me my son would have these emotional roller coaster rides!! I guess I really have no information for you...just that I feel for you because I am right there with you!! Good luck!

There's a lot going on there. First off, 11 yr olds do that. They're getting older, they push back at you, they aren't little kids but they aren't quite teens, either. I remember a coffee hour for 5th graders' families where they basically warned us that over the next 2-5 years the kids were on a rollercoaster and we should prepare to hold on for the ride. It was also reassuring that we weren't alone. Everyone in that room was feeling the same way to one extent or another. Which, however, is not to say the kids are horrible, just different.

Have you and your husband talked to him about his fears about a new school, growing up, etc? Might help to clear the air. It's also a time where we had to work on new responsibilities, new consequences and maturity. While one child may be ready to walk home alone, another may not. Would he go home after school or to an aftercare program? Or could he go to a friend's house? At 12, most kids "age out" of aftercare programs.

My stepson got a bit aggressive at around 12 yrs old. One thing we did that I think helped was getting him involved in community sports. He was full of all this energy and testosterone and needed somewhere acceptable to use it. It also served as a social outlet. If your son doesn't know many neighborhood kids, find ways to get him involved so he's not completely without friends at his new school.

My stepson also had to move from a private school to public in middle school but weathered the transition. I talked to him some because I knew kind of how he felt. I had to switch in 5th grade and then again in 6th. I found the transition to public school after my small private Christian school a little hard because the environments were very different. Little things like if I lost a pair of gloves - at my old school, they came back to me. At my new school, no way. Someone probably stole them. It was an adjustment. I understood why I had to change, but it didn't mean I had to like it at first. My mom just tried to be supportive and get me involved in activities so I could fit in better.

It can also be hard if he's coming in at a grade where other kids already know each other. If he's starting fresh with other 6th graders (who come from many elem. schools) it may be easier. Make sure he gets a tour beforehand like the other kids do. Be supportive and listen to his concerns. What is the plan for HS? Can he choose? Or will he continue the public school track? If he struggles or hates the new school, would you consider returning him to private school?

Hope that helps.

hey A.,

I GREET U WITH "PEACE" AND TO SAY WHAT YOU DESCRIBED IS PRETTY NORMAL FOR BOYS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY, YOU HAVE AN ADVANTAGE THAT I DID NOT HAVE, YOU HAVE A HUSBAND WHICH IS A PLUS. MY SON IS 19 AND IN COLLEGE AND STILL SOME WHAT MOODY BUT THERE BODIES GO THROUGH CHANGES THAT THEY CAN'T EXPLAIN, BASICALLY BACK OFF BUT STAY CLOSE, MEANING ALLOW YOUR YOUNG MEN TO ADJUST TO THERE CHANGES BUT LEAVE THE DOORS OF COMMUNICATION OPEN IT COULD BE SO MANY THING, GIRLS, PEER PRESSURE, NEW STRANGE NEW ENVIORNMENT, MY SON THOUGHT BECAUSE I WAS A FEMALE I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND.

BUT I GAVE HIM SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW UNCOMFORTABLE PUBERTY WAS FOR ME EVEN AS A FEMALE, AND WHAT THAT DID WAS SHOW THAT PARENTS ARE HUMAN AND CAN BE VUNERABLE TOO!!!!!

I PRAY THAT MY BRIEF STORY WAS OF SOME HELP

BE BLESSED

L. R

I can sympathize with your situation. I changed from private to public school in 9th grade, but only because the private school didn't go to 12th. You don't mention whether he is performing well academically and socially at his current school. I would encourage you to rethink your decision to move him, if the only reason is the middle school quality. You say that the Christian school has a weak middle school program, but what about their high school program? Is the school stellar otherwise, with good facility, good teachers and staff? Is he in a Christian school because of what they can do to mold his character? If the only reason you want to move him is the middle school quality, there are a multitude of ways to enrich his learning outside of the school environment. Summer programs, foreign language classes, etc. Also, many public school systems offer access to extra classes and programs to home schooled children that may also be available to you for a fee or for free. Another mother also mentioned that he is likely to do better if he is happy, rather than miserable, no matter what the school quality. At his age, he will most assuredly be cranky and rebellious to a point...that is the nature of puberty. But the school change that may not be necessary only adds to an already rough situation. Good luck!

A.- I think that age is the hardset (or one of them!) for kids. My son was the same way with the moodiness, but he just turned 12 and is like a different person! So pleasant and helpful and fun to be around. Hang in there! IT is a time that too will pass. Just be there for him to vent- changing schools is VERY hard in middle school.

I've been there, A.. It was the hardest years of my life! But, it does pass. My son is now 18 and a real jewel. Try to remember that your son is going through huge mental, physical and emotional changes that confuse and scare him. I found that if I looked at my son with compassion, it helped deal with him. The battles are wearing, but know they'll end. Just keep loving him. It sounds like your choice for schools is a good one. There are some great books about teens. They gave me some good ideas on strategies, but more importantly, let me know that there were millions of others who were dealing with the same thing and that my son was normal! Hang in there.

Hi,

There is a book called 'What's Going on Down There' that explains male puberty at a child's level. Check out the book at your local bookstore or on-line. I gave it to my son when he was 10. He initially rejected it because he wasn't ready for it. I found out later he went back to it whenever he thought there was something wrong with him.

Good Luck!

A. M,

I believe that you should allow your son to stay in the school he is familiar with and friends and teachers he is accoustomed to. It is particularly hard for a boy going through puberty to have to go to a new school. If he is doing well at this school, doesn't get into trouble, etc. then why would you want to take him out??? This new school may have more academically, but if he is not happy, he will not excel. Remember, he is a person too, with feelings and insecurities and you will be literally "throwing him to the dogs". It would be different if he had to go because of a move, or discipline problems, but this does not seem to be the case.

He will do better in a familiar environment. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You are getting these battles because you are not treating him as a person but a pawn, he feels like he doesn't matter so he is acting out.

Good luck to you and your family.

G. M

I understand your concern, but to be perfectly honest, while high school education is important, middle school is not so much. If you like the high school program, trust that they will give them the prep needed to work up to it.

Hi A.,
Isn't puberty just a wonderful thing? I don't know what kind of relationship you've had with your son so far but I would suggest trying to sit down and just have a calm conversation with him about how he's feeling and whats going on in his life. I know that sounds easier than it is, but the key is for everyone to stay calm and make sure it doesn't turn in to a lecture so that your son feels like he can have some input. Now is also the time you may need to start letting him have a little more freedom in making decision that are going to effect him and his future. As hard as it is, as they grow older we have to start letting them go a little at a time! Good luck!

Hi A.,

Your son is grieving over the loss of a part of his life.
Do you know any kids that will be going to the same school that he is. Have you talked to the new schools guidance counselor to see how he/she knows how to help your son transition? Is it something that is set in stone about his education? Good luck. D.

Your last statement says it all--at wits end, war zone. You need some help. There are college girls who will come in and do housework for $15 an hour. Check out Craig's List. Make a "date" with your ll year old son every week to go to a fast food restaurant, and just TALK!!!!! He is in a very difficult transitional age and needs time to be with mom alone. I would question why you are taking care of the dog?????? Dogs should be fun for the kids to walk and learn to take care of.

We have a 14 year old daughter who also attends Christian school. In the 6th grade, I found the environment was not conducive to what I wanted for her in terms of student quality at her then Christian school. Many of the kids were mean and inconsiderate of each other. Despite this, and going back in forth with whether she wanted to stay or leave, at the end of the year, she did not want to move or change schools either.

I switched her to a new Christian school the next school year. Beforehand, I talked to her about the problems she was having and that I did not see these things changing. I reminded her of the roller coaster she was in there as well.

While I try to listen to my children and support them, I do not solely trust the judgment or maturity of a then 12 year old when it comes to major decisions. Getting a quality education is just as important as our children's development; who are they becoming.

I was not as concerned with the academics at the new school as the curriculum was similar and this was Middle School. I am a teacher by nature and a stay-at-home mom who stays on my kids and their grades.

I made the decision and have not regretted it. Yes, she had to make new friends, but as parents, we are given the charge of doing what we feel is in the best interest of our kids, even if they do not agree with those decisions. I told her that if these kids are meant to be her friends, they will remain in her life. She still talks to some of her friends at her old school and they hang out from time to time.

Our situation was the flip side of your coin. The academics was good at her old school, but the environment was not. I had observed her picking up traits which did not line up with what I wanted for her or what I felt was healthy or positive for her developmental growth.

That being said, is it possible to talk to a couple of parents or students at the new school to get a better idea of the academics. Sometimes the grass is not always as green as we might hope it is. Also, go to www.greatschool.net to check for parent and student reviews of the school you are considering.

Bottom line; do what you think is best for your son. Change is a part of life. If you decide to make the move, show him the benefits of these changes and reassure him that he will be fine. You have to see the big picture, and if you discern or suspect something is wrong and something needs to be done about it, then it's on you to do it.

academics are indeed important, but they won't do diddly if your son is too miserable to take advantage of what's offered at his new school. middle school is SO difficult anyway.
perhaps you might reconsider your decision to pull him out of a school he really likes and supplementing their material at home.
khairete
S.

I don't actually have any teenagers, but I switched schools in high school, from a very small private school to a very large public school, for the same reason you're switching your son. My parents made sure I met all the kids at my church who attended the public school and asked a few of them to help me out. I was also in band, which gave me an automatic "in". Is your son in any sports or groups that would place him within a smaller community at the new school? Are there any kids in your neighborhood that go to the new school that your son could spend some time with? It will be hard, but he will make new friends. The thing I loved about the public school was the opportunites it had that the private school didn't, like band. I'm sure your son will eventually find things he likes about the school too.

I am a mother of two as well, 17 and 19. I understand that you want the best education for your son but did you ask your son if he wants to enroll in a new school? Although this new school appears to better academically - it is completely up to your son to perform well once enrolled. If he is not happy then he may not perform well which will defeat the purpose of his transformation. If your son is comfortable at his current school and is performing well - why force him to change schools espcially if it's against his wishes? Why take him away from his second home? Afterall - it is his life and you can not live it for him. You should talk to your son to find out how he feels about this new transition. You may be surprised by the results. Best of Luck!

Keep talking to him and be patient, oh and check out his friends!

A., I have a 13 year old daughter but I understand exactly how you feel, it's like they've turned into a person you don't even know. I too am considering changing schools, my daughter currently goes to a public school (it's awful, in my opinion) alot of the kids parents are not involved in their lives and let them run on their on which has caused alot of the changes in her behavior, so I've cracked down on the "peer exposure" and academically I want better like you for my child. Their going to buck at the change but just like when she started 6th grade (going from a private school to public) was a BIG change but adjusted. My problem is the adjustment went the wrong way and I'm trying to regain my position that I am her parent, doing whats best overall. As hard as it may feel to you, stand your ground, your not alone, one day down the road we'll see the benefits.

Hey A.!

I live around the corner from you! ;-)

I have an 8 year old who will be 9 in May. he started displaying this last school year in private school of all places. He wanted to switch schools, so I turned our lives upside down, rented out my house in Temple Hills and moved back to Brandywine so he could attend the school he wanted to attend. Now, he's starting up again. He's very, very moody.

What I've started doing is sitting down and trying to talk to him about how he's feeling about things, why he feels a certain way, what provoked his behavior, etc. Sometimes it is as simple as, You treat me like a baby. I don't like the way he or she talked to me, etc. We are working on his anger issues and his aggression. He's in sports, I'm trying everything. In addition, I am getting ready to start taking him to an old counselor he had at the private school that he responded to very well.

I'm sure it's just a "phase" that he's going through. Just pray yourself and your family through it, and everything will work itself out. Just be there when he needs you and support him emotionally.

Being a mom of a 14 year old I can tell you the attitude will be here for a while, sorry about that. And, I know that moving schools is really tough, especially if his entire social world revolves around his friends from school. Maybe you can give him an out? He goes to the new school for 1 year, if he truly hates it you will consider putting him back into his old school. But, he has to make the effort. Make him aware that this could be an opportunity to make more friends, he's definitely not going to lose any of his current friends. Any chance any of the parents of his current class mates are considering the same type of move? If he knows at least one person at the new school it will be a little easier.