Son's First Visitation with Dad a Disaster

I'm not adding to anything here. You've gotten some great advice. Just sending this to you to ditto ditto ditto on Shari's advice. Unfortunately, I've been through this, too, and although everyone's advice is right on, Shari has the best advice here for detail of what to do, and I couldn't have said it better.

When my parents divorced for the first time when I was in 2nd grade, it was horrible. I did not like going to my dad's new apartment. He didn't have any toys, hardly any furniture, I slept on this lumpy bed with my two sisters and our brother slept on the couch. We didn't have any kids to play with and worst of all he didn't have cable (this was 20 some years ago so we barely had PBS). Over time we got our own beds, he even bought strawberry shortcake sheets, toys that were just for dad's house, and he let us eat cold pizza for breakfast and pancakes for dinner. Did my dad do everything right? No. Did he do things totally opposite for my Mom? Yes. Did it drive her crazy? Oh YES! Did his make mistakes? Yes, huge mistakes but he did the best he knew how. The most amazing this is, is that we survived and are well adjusted (for the most part) Over time things got better, we loved going to visit my dad every other weekend and asked to spend the whole month of July with him.
As parents we need to learn how to let go a little, its ok if Dad does things differently. For a time your son isn't going to like being at dad's because its not his home and he's confused. He doesn't understand why he's in this strange place, he probably doesn't have his bed, or pillow or sheets or all the great stuff that make your home his home. Until that happens he will probably cry and fuss but its your job to encourage him to be a big boy and be excited for him to spend time with dad. You may not feel like and hate that he's leaving but you cannot let him know that. He will feed of any anger, madness and resentment you show. Sadly this will be the new reality for your family. "Rescuing" him when he cries will not make it better, for you, your ex-husband or your son. He needs to adjust and learn a new routine. It will take time but in the end it will benefit everyone. It will be your job to comfort and encourage your son when he is with you, remind him of how much you love him and encourage him to be a big boy when he goes with dad. Have a special blanket, toy or whatever for him to take with him to his dad's house. Make going to visit dad fun, an adventure even, if not it will only get worse. If you have serious concerns about your ex-husband's parenting then that needs to be addressed by the courts, let your lawyer deal with it. and honestly who does great with a screaming child? no one but as parents we learn to adjust and comfort our children despite our own short comings. None of us started out as good parents, you need to give him a chance to grow.

I sorry but you are looking at this situation completely wrong. Your SON has every right to have his father in his life. And its both of your jobs to work toward having a productive meaningful relationship. My husband and his ex broke up when my step sons were 2 years old. They were never given the tools it takes to deal with their personal situation. And I can clearly still see the effects of it. But you can prevent it. It would be a really smart idea for you all to get some family counseling and you and your ex would also benefit to talk to someone to help you figure out how to be co-parents. It's not for you, it has nothing to do with you and your feelings, it is now and forever will be about your son. Listen, I am sorry the break up of a marriage has got to be just debilitating, but your the mom, its your job to start healing so you can deal with everything else.

Will mediation be possible in this case? My suggestion would be to try shorter visits every weekend for a few weeks and let your child adjust to not being with "mommy". It will be more trouble but would be in the child's best interest. Perhaps 4 hours on a Saturday and again on a Sunday. Certainly no more than the length of time spent in daycare while you are at work. When he realizes his Mommy comes back and gets him he should get more secure in the situation.

I am so sorry my heart goes out to you and your son. I have not dealt with this type of situation but the person before is correct write down everything keep track. I have friends that have been divorced and went through this type of thing all I can say is the few of them made the transition with agreement from the ex a bit different like one night not two at first and had dinner all together and slowly left the child so that he/she would feel like mom was leaving forever. I even had one friend that her and her ex went to a psychologist and got advise on their transition when her son had to start his visits a few states away and was gone almost every holiday a bit different but point being they talked to someone. It's different for all but I sure hope your attorney can help you with this please let us know his/her advise. My prayers are with you.

Try getting him excited about it. Let him pack a backpack filled with fun things he wants to do with his dad. You are setting the tone for how you two will parent while divorced, so tread carefully with your son and ex. Remember you have to be the bigger person and pray for patience. Pray for anything and everything.

With love J.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think the best things you can do concern making sure your son is happy and secure.
I would guess that your husband will still be able to get your son in two weeks. If I were in your position, I'd start preparing him for that as soon as you get him back Sunday. The only way I can think to do that is to open up the lines of communication with your son. I know he's two, but it's remarkable what children can comprehend. Ask him if he had fun, talk your husband up...even though it could be hard, and figure out what toys or security blankets/stuffed animals he would like to take next time. Find out from him what will make it easier.
Your soon-to-be-ex is not putting his son first. He shouldn't have called you, he should have been figuring out what fun activity he could distract your son with. So, you've obviously got to do all the work to make this situation better for your little boy.
Communication is key. Make sure he can express what he feels, make sure he has a say in his visits...ie. what he can take with him...and just love him like you do.
Good luck and I hope this helps a little.

hi B.,
so sorry you are having such a tough time...i hope that by now your son is home happily in your arms...just a couple of ideas..first of all, if your husband has never hurt your child in the past, i'd think that he wouldn't start now...it is his child, too...and no matter how he feels about you, he does love his son, and is hopefully smart enough to know that anything like that will surely ruin any time he wants with him in the future...second...two years old is so young...maybe your son was afraid he was going to stay there without you for good...now that you've picked him up, and he knows that's not true, maybe it'll be easier next time. it will benefit your son to have a relationship with his dad, so obviously despite your issues with him, it will help if you prepare him for a great time with daddy, even if you hate the idea..and just like pre school, eventually they get used to it...it may take awhile. i wish you the best of luck..hang in there.

Tell lawyer you want to go to court immediately to have visitation stopped or at least supervised. I think you can prove he is a threat to your child.
Kathie H. is right. You write down everything that happens with dates, times, etc and send a copy to your lawyer to keep in his files for you.
This way, you'll have proof of everything if you need it to stop visitation, etc.

Hi B....I won't rehash what everyone else has said, but I would also suggest...in the vein of documentation, that you tape record your son screaming. That might help too.

Be blessed...

Sharie's right--documentation is everything. Call your lawyer today and insist that the custody arrangement be revisited.

You will need expert testimony on young children as to what works to develop and expand his relationship with his Dad. You will need your attorney to modify your temporary order or agreement and not make the initial agreement final. Your son may be able to tolerate the separation in another year to have standard visitation if it is safe to do so. Now that you are no longer his target your child is at risk of being a target. 40% of children become victims of a violent parent post divorce. Encourage your former spouse to seek help. Please call 211 and go to a support group to learn all you can about protecting yourself and your child from violence.

I remember when I was 6 and had to visit my dad....It was hard....but my mom ......always make me feel secure and told me how much he love me .....(now I know she just said those things so I can feel Happy) but it work.

Just give him some time maybe take a photo, his prefer toy, blanket, make a DVD of you and your son....that help him remember you.....Be positive ....and this will improve....
I think is hard because he is only two, at that age they have the separation ansiaty...

I hope this improve.....maybe you should stay with him for a little bit if possible...I imagine is very hard, but think on your son...and tell your husban to do the same...

Hope it helps
Pam

B.,

Document EVERYTHING!!! Every phone conversation, the date, time, what was said, what you heard in the back ground EVERYTHING!!! Even if things start working out and are going good, still document everything.

That's the best advice I can give you. My prayers are with you at this hard time.

K.

Dear B.,

I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know I feel your pain. I am getting ready to divorce my husband and I'm afraid of a couple of things 1. He is a stay at home Dad will he get custody (though he does nothing and refuses to work to help with the bills)2. This exact same thing will happen. And he will be in Fl (I'm in SC) and will not be able to get to my beautiful 4 year old. Not sure if you are religious, but I will say a prayer for you and your family. If you ever need to vent, you can email me :)

My heart does go out to you! I am not divorced but I have watched friends go through this and I know it is heart-wrenching! My best advice for dealing with your son's separation anxiety is to prep him for his visits with his father by acting like you are SOOO excited for him that he's going to have SUCH a great time visiting daddy! For your son's sake, he does not need to know that you two hate each other's guts -- and even if your ex is not so good at hiding it, you can be the better person here.

Just put on a brave face and tell him that his daddy sure has missed him and he's going to have such a great time! What a lucky boy to get to visit daddy for a whole weekend! You love him so much and you look forward to seeing him on Monday and hearing all about his great weekend and what a fun time he had!

And just know, your ex probably waited for your son's fit to call you -- to get to you. Your son is probably not crying the entire weekend. He's probably having a pretty nice time. And, if he is having a rough time, as hard as this is to hear, the ex probably has someone he can call for back-up -- a mom, friend, girlfriend, etc. to help. They'll get through this. And you'll get through this.

Divorce is UGLY and it brings out the absolute worst in people (and my bias says -- "the worst in men"). In time, you two will have a easier time looking at each other and not feeling like causing each other pain. I know it sounds hard to believe...

When my ex and I had seperated we had worked out a visitation schedule as well. Like your ex, my ex doesn't deal well with stress and can get extremly frustrated and angry. One evening during his weekend visit my ex called me telling me to come pick up my son and that he had it with him and his crying. My mother and I head down to get my 2 year old son and when I get there my ex decides he's going to keep him and he refuses to open the door when I'm knocking and yelling through the door for him to open the door so that I can take my son home. At this point we didn't have any papers filed in the court system and so legally he didn't have to give me my son. I called the police and they sent a patrol car. I explained the situation to the police officer and explained his history of violent behavior and told him that I could hear my son crying in the house for me but the my ex would not let me in to calm my son down. I told the police officer that he had called me and told me to come get him but then when I arrived to pick up my son he wouldn't open the door. I requested that he do a well child check to make sure my son was ok. The police officer told me that he couldn't remove my son from his fathers home but that he would see if he could get him to turn him over to me. He said he would ask my ex that he allow me to hold my son and calm him down. He told me that if he hands over my child to calmly walk to my car and leave as quickly as possible. He suggested I keep him on my lap and to get away from the house before pulling over and then buckling my son into his car seat. This is to ensure that we get away without any trouble.
The police officer knocked on the dooor over and over announcing who he is and my ex wouldn't open the door. Once the police officer told him that if he didn't open the door then he would break it down as he needed to do a well child check. My ex finally answered the door and then proceeded to argue with the officer. Meanwhile my son is scratching and kicking and hitting his dad trying to get to me. He was histarical and he wanted his mommy. My ex wouldn't let him go and wouldn't hand my son over to me. The officer explained that he had caused this and that he called me down to pick him up and that he needed to look at his son and he see how desperate he is for his mommy. My ex said he wasn't going to give me my son to calm him down because if he does then I'll take him away. The officer asked me if I was going to do that and I told him no that I just wanted to calm him down. Once my ex handed my son to the officer and then officer handed him to me I turned around and with the officers assistance I was able to get into my mom's car and leave without any further incidence. I called my ex the next day and told him that if he wanted to see his son then he would have to fight for that right in court. I refused to allow him any further visitation until I had the documents filed in court and my rights as my son's mother protected. He eventually signed over his visitation rights and any responsibilities as his father other then child support and he hasn't seen my son in over 4 years.
The point of this story is that if you don't have any documents filed in the court system then you don't have to legally send your son back for a weekend visit until everything has been worked out in court. Secondly, explain your sons behavior while he is there and request the visits be supervised and not over night until the Guardian the court assigns to handle the supervised visits feels that your child is emotionally prepared for that type of visit with their father.
If you already have documentation filed in the courts and his visitation is firm then you will have to go through your lawyer to see what you can do about this.
My son was 2 at the time that I had to have the police remove him from his fathers home and he is almost 7 now and he still remembers that night. I had no clue how traumatic that was for him at the time but I do now, and I am so glad that I was able to get him out of his home.
As a mother, your first responsibility is to protect your child and if you fear that he is in danger or will be hurt for because of his emotional response to being away from you at while at their fathers then you need to do whatever you can to fix that for them.
If you have any questions feel free to message me privately. I've been in your shoes and I know that as a mother it is terrifying and emotionally draining.

Take Care

B.;

Talk to your son about visiting his dad in a postive way. His dad has a right to visitation and I don't think any lawyer will allow you to stop visitation because the child is crying. It was his first visit and over time he will adjust. You and your ex just need to be patient with him. I commend your ex for sticking it out. I have heard many stories of dad's not wanting to be bothered with the children if they cried or just not wanting them at all. I would encourage you to be a bridge between your son and his father. Children need both parents. Too many dad's abandon thier children after divorce. Your ex seems to want to keep his relationship with his son. Please help your son adjust by not interfering with his visitation schedule and encouraging him to go with daddy. Let him take his favorite toy with him if it helps. It may help if dad has a special thing that they do together so that he will look forward to going with dad so that he can do that activity.

Wishing you all the best for a healthy co-parenting relationship.

First off, {{HUGS}}!!! I went though this with my daughter's father and yes it is very hard to deal with, you need to be strong because in the end, your son will see who had his best intrest in the end when he gets older and realizes what has/had happened between you and your ex.

Now, document everything!!! Get a note book and write down the dates and times of any interaction between you, your ex and your ex and your son either good or bad. Keep is simple and keep your personal feelings out of it too. So for the phone call you'd have date and time and write down phone call:son screaming mommy in back ground, offered to pick up, so and so refused, said not till 6pm on Sunday. Told me it was my fault. Now I'm sorry, but if your ex knows anything about his own child or little children at all, they are so dearly attached to mommy at this age!! I've also got a 2yr old son and if he needs help and I'm home, he tells my hubby No, mommy do it!! My hubby isn't even allowed to push the cart at the store, only I am!! lol Also, this new living situation may need to move slower for your son in order for him to adjust. Yes, he is with daddy, but daddy isn't where he reconizes as home so that probably has him scared as well.

Now if you fear for his safety, you need to get him back into court ASAP (hence why you need to document all contact!!). If you've ever called the cops on him for anything violent or if he has ever been arrested for it then you've got great reason not to trust him alone with your son. You may also be able to refuse him visitation now if you fear his safety, check with GA law on this one so you don't get in trouble for visitation violation!!

And most importantly, don't talk bad about your ex in front of him. He may only be 2, but his brain is sponge and you'd be suprised at what he might remember!!

Good luck and get with your lawyer ASAP!!

S.

B., I'm also going through a divorce and have two year old twin boys. I agree completely with EMILY on this one. You need to do what is best for your son and that includes a relationship with his father. Part of the problem is that the length of time he is away from his father is causing him to "forget" about his dad. He probably needs to see him MORE frequently, not less. Standard custody is every other weekend with a day or two during the week that he does not have your son. I'd strongly recommend more frequent but shorter visits especially at this age. My ex sees the boys TWO times during the week (about 2 hours each time) and usually ONE night over the weekend (every weekend). You probably don't want that schedule written into your custody plan but you can make ANY schedule you want and just have the offical schedule as a backup plan in the event that things go badly between you and ex. I hope that makes sense.

Your ex's comments were said to you in a moment of panic and anxiety. It's important to realize that he is equally scared of losing his relationship with his child as much as you are scared that your son is upset. (((HUGS))) It's a horrible situation for both parents. I know your primary instinct is to protect your son at all cost but I also believe it's our job to make sure that our children have relationships with BOTH parents. Talk it up to your child before you drop him off. Make sure he has any lovies or comforting things to take with him while he is there. And NEVER talk badly about his father or make him scared of him because YOU are scared. I know this is a difficult time but we mommies have to suck it up and put on a brave face for our children.

(((HUGS))) Please contact me if you want to talk. I'm in the same boat! S.

Edited to add: I totally agree with Jennifer too!

Unfortunately, your son has to learn that you can't come running everytime he calls. Your ex was correct in keeping your son there with him. Of course, if he feels out of control, he should ask his family or a friend for help. Otherwise he should definitely call you. It is a big adjustment for your son and he will be able to adapt. He needs to be around his father and unless your ex is abusive, I can't see any reason to keep him away. I understand that it is difficult to listen to your son calling for you and that would drive me crazy too, but I don't see any other way. I don't know the whole history, but I would try to be more supportive of your ex and maybe even you too can meet at a park and let your son play while you chat. At least let him see that you two can be civil to each other and your son won't be afraid to have daddy take care of him. Also, if you do this, have daddy take care of him while you are at the park. Pick him up from falling down, give him his juice, etc. I know that sounds rediculous and if you can't do that, that is fine. But it is important for your son to understand that daddy can take care of him too. As much as you want to do everything for him, it will help him in the long run to understand you two are equal in taking care of him. On the week that my ex didn't get our daughter, he would pick her up on Wednesday and take her to McDonald's or Pizza Hut so they could just hang out for a couple of hours. This way, there is not so much distance in the time he got to see her. I wish you the best of luck!

I know what you are going though its not easy, he will stop crying,i had to do the same thing, my son is 21 now he can not stand his father now, he only make it hard for the child.HE HAS NOT HURT HIM IN THE PAST,I DONT THINK HE LIKE JAIL IM SO SORRY FOR THE CHILD MY SON WAS THE SAME WAY, MY HUSBAND WAS A MASTERBATER, I HAD TO LET HE KEEP HIM ITS HARD BUT IT DOSE GET BETTER A TIME GO ON.ILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.WISH YOU THE BEST.

WOW! What a situation to be in. Well i havent dealt with this issue personally, but i can definitely feel your pain. I have a 2 year old also. I think that your ex- is really hurting himself more than he is hurting you. If he does not like screaming babies; imagine how much he is looking forward to the 2 and 4 weekends. lol. Yes! you are doing the right thing by contacting your lawyer. Maybe if he has a favorite toy he can take it along with him or you may even have to brive him if he promises not to cry he can get a new toy. He is only a baby , and he doesn't understand what's going on to his family. The bad thing about it is that if you are not getting back together then he will have to learn to deal with DEAR OL' DAD! Poor babies, I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

It sounds like your child is having a difficult time dealing with the situation of mom and dad divorcing, which is very typical. At his age, he may have many tantrums for a while, because his brain is not developed enough to know how to appropriately handle stressful situations. However, you cannot take the time with his father away from him. My husband went through hell and so did his daughter (my step-daughter) just to get some kind of visitation established. We went to court numerous times and the only way the mother would allow him to see his daughter was if the court forced her. And she had no reason to do this, except that she wanted something to hold over his head and wanted to have control. It took some time for my step-daughter to get used to spending time in our house, and she went through a few minor tantrums of her own. But, children adapt and begin to realize that having tantrums will not change anything. Chances are, your child does not have the verbal capacity to talk to you about his feelings either. Your son already does not have enough time with his father, as two weekends a month is not much time. It will be detrimental to your son to give him even less time with his father. Time between a father and child is so important to their emotional development. You and your ex just need to have a civil conversation of how to deal with this. The two of you need to make sure you are nice to each other in front of your son and handle things between the two of you with class and grace, so your son does not have to carry adult stress on his shoulders.

This will pass with time and patience. But taking your son's time with daddy away from him will not do the trick and will end up negatively affecting him later down the road.

Good luck!
K.

I went through this with my daughter when her father and I separated. I know that it is hard but it will pass. You need to talk to your son and explain to him the best you can about seeing his dad and then a couple of days before start reminding him each day that he will be spending the up coming weekend with daddy. You ex only called so that you could her your son screaming to hurt you. As your son gets older when he's with you he will start calling for daddy and vice versa...all kids do it...it's the card they begin to play to try and get things.
It feels horrible what you are going through right now but it will get better. As for the visitation you can't take it away from your ex or make him see the child less because of the behavior. This is something that your son, you and the father will have to get use to. It's hard but in time it will get better.