Son Refuses to Potty Train

I had an individual that watched my son when we were trying to potty train him, and I give her full credit for the job. She set her kitchen timer for every 15 minutes and would tell him to go potty. I couldn't believe that he had to go that often, but he went every time. Then we gradually went to 20 minutes, 25, 30, etc. By then he had it. The funny part was, two weeks later she was baking and when the timer went off, my son went running to the potty. :)

I'd wait until closer to 4. Remember, if you make it a power struggle, then it will become one and you know who will "win?" He will! He doesn't know it, but he will. I would suggest cutting WAY back, being laid back and try again later.

Regardless of the advice you get, know this: It IS genetic, and it may just be that your child doesn't get the signals that he has to pee until after his bladder has loosened, in which case there is nothing he can do to keep himself dry. Motivational efforts (rewards, threats) won't work in that case. I'd do as the other moms suggested (let him wear big boy underwear or nothing at all) and see if he recognizes the sensation ... talk about the "feeling in his tummy" right before he goes pee-pee and see if he recognizes the need before it happens. If he does, then I'd do as the other moms have done - just do it, no backing out, no pull-ups or other paddings that prevent training from happening quickly. But if he continually is unable to recognize the signals prior to wetting his pants, he may not be physically ready, even if he seems ready in all other aspects.

You have a lot of advice, but I want to reiterate the importance of being there to take the time to train yoru son. I see in your post that you are going on a second honeymoon... I highly suggest taking time off of work for the potty training. If he is only getting instruction on this an hour or two a night or on the weekends, it will never happen. Focusing on potty training is an all-day, several day event. The "once upon a potty" series worked for us, but the other tool a parent mentioned (Kleint?) seemed interesting. No more diapers, no more pull-ups. Most daycares will NOT take a 4 year old child that isn't potty trained. You can do this... you can!!

Hi, T.! My son is 3 1/2, as well, and we finally got him potty trained about a month ago. He had all of the physical signs of being ready to train, he just absolutely refused to do it! It was a constant battle of the wills- we tried candy, potty charts, etc. and he just didn't care. It sounds weird, but I just decided one day to not buy anymore Pull Ups! I put him in big boy underwear that he picked out and, yes, he did have accidents, but I just dealt with cleaning him up (he had to help, as well!) I work FT, too, so I can understand not having a lot of time, but it worked fairly quickly. It just finally seemed to click after a week and he's been going on the potty since then. I did talk to his daycare teacher a head of time and told her that he wasn't going to be in Pull Ups anymore, so she tried to take him to the bathroom more often. Any way, I'm not sure if this would work for you, but I just thought I'd throw it out there :) Good luck (in potty training and TTC!)

Wow! That sounds like my 4 year old son! He is still not completely trained, but is finally showing some progress. He would urinate, but would not poop in the potty. He would even sit there and when he felt like he had to poop, he would ask for a pull-up! Or he would say that he was finished and quickly put his underwear(rubber pants attached) and sneak off and poop in them! So frustrating he was! For the past 2 nights he has made poop in the potty so I am hoping that this is the light at the end of the tunnel. Mind you, everytime I saw him throughout the day I would make him go sit on the potty which was every 10-15 minutes. Just be consistent and patient....he'll get it eventually!

Hope this helps!
M.
http://www.yarncoture.etsy.com

Have you talked to his doctor about this. He/she may know of some resources to help in this.

I would say this- throw the diapers away!!! If he is at the point where he does not like wet or dirty diapers or can tell you when he has gone. At least when he is at home... I used the thick training pants and rubber pants over them.

Perhaps a childrens book on pottying- the berenstien bears has a really cute book out. One thing is it can be a control thing... make it fun. Tell him he will get to do big boy things when he learns to use the potty.

But don't force him to just sit... then it becomes a battle of the wills. Ask him if he needs to try- help him if he needs help... but then leave him.

One thing for boys... you can buy these little tissue fish and put them in the toilet- tell him he needs to try to hit the fish with his peepee. I taught my younges to go pee off the porch or to water a tree- we lived in the country. It worked great! You can use cheerios in the toilet also.

You may need to take a few days off of work to really work with him... and make sure the workers at the daycare are working with him too and not just letting him wet his pants.

Hi Tracy,

I feel your pain. My son is almost 3.5 and has only potty trained in the last month. Before that it was hit and miss(literally with a little boy). We tried M&Ms everytime he went pee pee and that worked for a little while. He started going poop in the potty at Christmas when he had a stomach virus, but I wouldn't suggest that as a potty training tool. I did find these neat little things at Babies R Us called Piddlers. They are back with the training pants. You throw one in the potty and he tries to hit it with the pee pee. They kinda look like a micky mouse head so that encouraged my son a lot. I also found that he did much better in "big boy" underwear than pull ups. I found the old fashioned extra absorbent training underwear on Amazon very resonably. The won't contain an entire accident, but they do let him feel wet and dirty in time to stop and hold until he gets to the potty. You might have to set a timer for every 15 minutes and remind him to go so his pants stay dry. I hope some of this helps.

Good luck! Little boys are hard.

C.

When he makes up his mind, he can do it in less than a week. He is sensing your frustration and using that against you. Throw your timeline out the window and stop forcing the issue. He may then take interest and turn over a new leaf.

Peer pressure is another way to solve the problem. Not sure if there are other kids his age that are working on potty training. That sometimes works as well.

Sounds like he has you jumping through all kinds of hoops. How entertaining it must be for him. Why should he use the toilet when you'll clean him up everytime? Two can play his refusal game. I raised three boys and the last one tried that on me. I finally went on strike and refused to clean him up. Took him outside, told him to strip, had him put the nasty turd in the plastic grocery bag and put it in the outside trash, I turned on the hose (yes, it was cold water), squirted him with Dawn and told him to wash, handed him a towel afterward and told him he could come back in when he was dry. I did add a few eeeuuwwws and yuuuucks of my own. He hated it and yes he cried and screamed but whatever - you, the neighbors and anybody else might judge me all day long but when you're done catering to a lazy child's feces, you're done. Once more like that and mine was potty-trained forever. It's a last resort so not for younger kids but it is how you go on strike when the hours are too long & the pay's too short. Oh, and unless your husband or your son was/is retarded or developmentally disadvantaged then NO! it isn't hereditary!

This is hard when you are working, because you need consistency in potty training. I have potty trained many children, I have three children of my own and owned a home daycare for 15 years. If you can it may be worth it to take a week off and stay home. No more diapers or pull ups the old fashion 5 ply training pants are great. No punishment for accidents. But do have him clean up his accidents and get new clean training pants. You can help to make sure that it is done right , also praise him when he is successful.

My son is 3.6 and just recently got it. We still have to put him on the potty and make him try first thing in the morning, after nap ect, and he usually does go. We praise him and give him a treat. (sticker, candy, or small toy) We let him pee outside a couple of times and that is what made him want to tell us. Hey whatever works. We did explain to him that he could not do this at daycare. Also we put him in underwear with plastic underwear over them inside at first. When he had an accident, we made him help us clean it up. (pee) If he pooped in his underwear we would take him and dump what we could into the potty and say "this is where poo-poo goes" and let him flush it. Once Upon a Potty is a great book to read to him. Good luck and hang in there.

I know every child is different, but this sounds so much like my experience with my oldest son. I worked so hard at helping him be potty trained, just like it seems you have. Finally, I got so frustrated, I told my husband we were never going to bring it up again. Less than two weeks later, he was totally potty trained! I realized it was a complete power struggle with him, and when he realized (or thought) that it didn't really matter to us, he decided to do it on his own. I don't know if this would work for your son, but it might be worth a try to just let him realize on his own that it's nasty and uncomfortable to potty in his pants, and also that he will soon be missing out on a lot of fun, big boy activities if he does not start using the potty. Hope this helps, and I wish you luck!!!

I too recently went through this with my 3y8m old son. He wasn't motivated to use the potty & I really wondered if something might be wrong with him! At 3.5 I had attempted potty training by putting him in big boy pants with the thought he wouldn't like getting himself wet. Well, I ended up cleaning my floor all day! That didn't work.
Then I found a book called Potty Train in Three days by Kleint. One of the key points is you MUST BE AVAILABLE at all times for 3 days straight. You never leave your child alone. You watch for signs that he's about to go so you can intervene & take him to the bathroom. Big boy pants only....no pullups. It actually worked! It's a lot of work so don't plan to clean your house, go to work, go to the store. It is 100% about your child and nothing else.
Good luck to you! I feel your pain & frustration.

The weather is getting nice, put him out back buck naked(Bottom). It gets him used to his body function then in the house use thick cloth underpants (be prepared to throw some away). Works like a charm.

Tried and true. So simple actually.

PS: No fussing if he does have an accident. No attention good or bad, it's just a way of life to have bowel movement and urinate.

Ge him a Potty Watch they work wonders!

let your son run around without a diaper or "big" boy undies. like in the nude. i had a friend that did this with her "difficult" child and it worked. the child did not want to soil his legs or get in trouble for soiling the floors or whatever and made an effort to utilize the toliet. good luck.

First of all, potty/pooping is one of the few things kids can control and it doesn't take long to learn this. I would ease up, and definitely not force him to sit on the potty, esp. for 45 minutes!! My son was a late trainer but I never pushed the issue. At 2 months past his 3rd birthday, I started letting him go naked from the waist down at home. Most kids are not going to go potty or poop on the floor, so you may try that. His daycare was also very helpful and took the kids to the potty every hour to 1.5 hours and suggested that I send him in underpants. Diapers keep kids very dry feeling and even the feel and learn don't work very well. You may try those things. If the daycare isn't helpful, I would look for another one!! I understand how difficult it is to be a working mom... hang in there. The most important thing is to back off so it doesn't become a control issue with your son. If he can't go to Zoo school, maybe next year!!

Your son is old enough that this has become a will issue. So you need to avoid frontal confrontations and go the sneaky route. First of all, let him run around the house buck naked. No kid likes to wet down his leg. Be prepared for some messes. Make him stay in the same room as you so when he does start to go, you can rush him to the toilet. DO NOT SCREAM/YELL/BE ANGRY when this happens. (I do not know your child; while assuming because of his age that he is being willful, it could be that he just doesn't get it. So grabbing him and saying, "Wait! Wait! Potty on the toilet!" and running and putting him on to finish might be what he needs for that lightbulb moment.) Anyway, only let him have pants on when he is sleeping or you are going out.

When he does have an accident, make it unpleasant in the nicest way. (This is what I mean by not being angry or confrontational.) "I'm so sorry you had an accident! That is so sad!" (pick him up.) "We'd better get you cleaned up!" (take him to the bathtub and turn on freezing cold water.)"I know this is cold but I'll be quick! We have to get you clean when you have an accident and don't go in the potty!" (Make sure you splash cold water all over him in the most loving way while he shrieks and you reassure him in your most loving voice.) Take him out, towel dry him and say, "Next time let's go in the potty so we don't have to wash!" Do this EVERY TIME he has an accident. This reinforces the idea that the accident is more upsetting/painful then the toilet.

Put him on the toilet consistently every thirty minutes. Set a timer, from the time you come home until his bedtime. And he does not get any toys or candy while he is sitting there. He gets the candy when he has been successful. If he sits there and does nothing, you say, "Maybe you can have a lollipop next time when you potty big." This is not an option. You do not ask. The timer goes off and you swoop him up and say, "Potty time!" and put him on. Once he realizes that he cannot get out of this even if he has a fit, then you can make it a game. Timer goes off, you yell potty time! Run! and the two of you race to the toilet. When he is on the toilet, you do not interact with him much. You clean the sink, organize a shelf, whatever. Do not leave him on for long...no marathons here. Just a few minutes. Turn on the sink and let the water run because sometimes the sound of water will help him release those muscles and go. The minute he starts going, Whoop and holler and praise like crazy. Have him go tell his dad and call his grandma. Get people to come look. These steps are important to his WANTING to go potty. After he gets in a routine of successes, then start asking for more. He goes a minute, looks up at you expectantly and you say, "Go more!" Sometimes that helps. If he actually poops on the toilet then you have to do something very special. And you definitely have to share that information with the world.

And lastly, remove every sweet from his life. No sugary drinks, no candy or desserts of any type. Those are reserved only for successful potty time. That is the motivator. Why would I go potty if I've already gotten the reward anytime I screamed for it? Make it visible but unaccessable. Say, "You can have some when you potty in the toilet. And be very consistent on this. Let him watch you go potty and say, "Now I've earned an (M&M or whatever) and then go eat it in front of him. If he wants some say, "You have to go potty! Let's go! Then you can have an M&M!"

I am actually in the middle of potty training a 2 year old boy right now...my 5th to potty train. I don't reward a drip or two, only a real stream. And we still have accidents but he is young still. The only way to make progress is to be SUPER consistent. It has to be a total priority and it would help if you could get your daycare on board with the timer and taking him every 30 minutes. It would also help if you could get them to agree to the no sugars/sweets.

Because he is older and has refused so far, it will be tough at the beginning. But if you are tough, loving, and consistent, you will see a change in less then a week. He will quit having fits every time you take him to the toilet when the timer goes off. He will quit screaming for candy that he sees and cannot have. So hang tough for the first week and be uber consistent and half the battle will be won.
Good luck.
VickiS

Just an additional note...right after I wrote this I was taking my usually very compliant 2 year old to the toilet...I said, "Time to go potty!" and he said, "NO!!" and laid on the floor. I said, "I'm gonna beat you! I'm gonna beat you there!" and started singing a "I'm going to win" song and I started moving my arms like I was going really fast but I was taking tiny half steps. He got up and ran and beat me to the toilet and went potty. Presentation does a LOT.

I actually think you may need to back off of the fan fare and make this a very matter of fact decision. He is plenty old enough,so this is simply a battle of wills!! I agree, be done with pull ups! no more in the house, period! there are special night time pull ups that you could buy, that I think have stars and a moon on the package so he can be told that they are only allowed at night. Actually, I would take a weekend and put nothing on his bottom. It is a whole new world/ sensation, and it really makes them feel what is happening. Then, when he is in underwear, if he makes a mess, he cleans it up! I did not let my son have new underwear until I could get his through the washer and dryer, which meant some naked bottom time. Or, if he pooped, I threw them away (I was also very sick pregnant at the time, and knew I just was not going to wash them out!!) I would actually stop all of the rewarding etc. with the exception of something cool at the end. Maybe a new bike or a trip to chuck e cheese, just as a way to celebrate the accomplishment. I wish you the best of luck...and I must say, I am a bit jealous of your upcoming trip..I hope you have the time of your life!! ~A.~