Son Hasn't Been Invited to Any Birthday Parties

Updated on December 27, 2010
J.B. asks from Woodstock, GA
15 answers

My son is 10 years old. He had lots of friends in TX and got invited to birthday parties all the time. He grew up there. We just moved to GA in January and he told me today he was sad that he has not been invited to any birthday parties and he knows there have been many as the other kids talk about it at school after the weekend. It is always just all boy parties.

My son is a handful. We have had him checked and told he was not ADD or ADHD numerous times but I know he has some behavior problems I am sure of it and have just started him on natural vitamins etc!
He has said that some of the boys have made fun of him at the start of the year but dont do it anymore. He is a little boystrous but after talking to his teacher I get told he plays with the boys all the time and is well liked. He is just very very competitive and like to play games where there is a race and a winner ( he get this from his father)

I went and had lunch with him at school and watched later off to the side when he played on the playground and he was playing with other kids but he really had to go up and make himself part of it. He does not have a problem wth that. He told me he has lots of friends and doesnt understand why he hasnt been invited and wanted me to tell him why. When I tried explaining that maybe it is because of the way he acts I must have done it all wrong as he told me that it cant be that becasue he has lots of friends and those boys play with him at school... And he got his feelings hurt and was very upset that I wa calling him the " wierd kid" I NEVER said that he took that out of what I said!

He is in AIM ( advanced classes) and excells in school work. The teachers say they love him and he is extremely smart and above the norm on intelligence but is handful sometimes to get to do what they want when they want ( hence why I keep getting him checked for ADD) but he then can sit and read a bookfor 2 hours just fine and rollerblade for hours on end just fine etc! He plays Baseball and takes Piano lessons too.

My husband is in Denial that there is anything wirng and tells me I am being too sensitive and I will give him a complex. But I just want to help him.

He even had a friends mum invite him for a playdate a couple of weeks go but then after picking him up she told about all these natural remedies for calming kids down that I might want to look into...I was so upset that she just came out and said that. He has not been invited back...when I asked if they had a good time she said yes, I asked if there weere any problems and she said No she loved having my son but he is definetly more active han her son ( who reads books on the playground every day which is fine but doesnt play, and he is in AIM with my son)

My whole family tells me that he is ADD and I need to get him on medication but when he sits and talks and they have him focus on things it alwasy comes back that he is just acting out. He never sleeps the whole night through and tosses and turns all night and has since he was very little... so he is a very very grumpy kid sometimes an it is hard to get him to smile. But then I have my ways and he is sweet and caring towards his sister and other little kids in the street. It just seems like everyone wants to "help" and tell me what to do with him like I am not seeing it but I dont know what else to do and now he is noticing he is not being invited to birthday parties at school and I worry about the effect on him...what do I do?

Sorry this is long I just had to get it all out =-)

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So What Happened?

He is very active and also is "always right" ( another traight from his daddy) LOL
I can understand other parents not wanting to deal with him.
We should try to set up some play dates as his birthday passed and we just did something with the hind sight I wish we had a party for him now but he didnt want one. 1st year he hasn't.
There is a boy on the street who he plays with every day his age...goes to a different school and not a day goes past that they dont play...but again the mother loves to tell me how he is too competetive and needs to calm down and doesnt listen right away..etc...etc...
I dont believe in meds either so I am willing to listen to any suggestions to help him calm and focus himself so maybe he can be socailly more accepted out here.
He is so sweet and loving and caring but then on the other hand can be a little hellion when playing and rough houses and doesnt understand when to stop and when enough is enough... it is almost like I have two different children. He does require so much more work from us than our daughter who is two years younger. And I feel like i am constantly sligting her because her older brother just doesnt GET IT... if that makes sense. But then tonight he went upstairs and tucked his sister in bed and made sure she was warm...he is so different once other kids come into the picture. And changes and seems to have something to prove, is never wrong and always has to win and be macho...I dont get it.
It is obvousely bothering him though and I worry how much...

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answers from Savannah on

I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like a hard time for everyone involved. Was he "like this" before the move? I have no real answers for you, just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you as the mother of a sweet, smart boy who wants/needs friends, to feel like he belongs, and to know he is a good guy and doesn't need to act macho and be right all the time. Perhaps the book Bringing Up Boys or the books/classes from Love and Logic (they do all ages) can help?

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answers from Atlanta on

It's been my experience that the best way to start a new friendship is to be the one who invites it. Ask your son for 3 or 4 names of boys he seems to work well with. I've even gone so far as to ask a teacher at conference who seems to be a good fit for a new friend for my child.

Invite one or two boys over for a speical outing - maybe the movies @ ice cream. Something that doesn't require you son to be competitive and something that is positive for all involved. Start slow but keep at it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I don't really have any great ideas for you, but I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry he and you are dealing with this. No hurt to us hurts worse than when it's done to our children! Has it been his birthday yet? If so, did he have a party and invite any of these kids? Maybe if it's coming up, he can have a party and invite some of the kids and see how that goes. Other than the playdate you mentioned, has he been over to any other kids' houses or had any to his house? Sometimes parents don't even realize new kids are around and when it's party time they just take the usual list and never think about saying, "Why don't you ask X? You play all the time." -Because they don't know about X! I wish you luck and I hope your son gets some invitations soon. He sounds VERY smart, and sometimes that can be really hard for kids -especially if they bore easily with what other kids their age are doing. If they ALWAYS know more than anyone else -other kids don't like it. It can be really difficult for a super-intelligent kid to fit in well. I would urge you to perhaps see a child psychologist with him and just see what they have to say about all of it -including his behavior and how active he is.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I am thinking that perhaps his friends' parents do not feel up to the task of supervising a party with several kid, one of whom has behavioral issues. I think in the future this may be my own son, even know he is a really sweet and funny kid, he is a ton of work!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

So, wave after wave of people are telling you that when they deal with your son he is too competitive, doesn't listen, needs to calm down, etc...and you still can't make the school understand this issue.

I think taking him to a psychologist that specializes in ADD/ADHD testing might be what it takes. Just because he can focus doesn't mean he isn't ADD or just Hyperactive. He sounds wonderful and mature. I feel for him.

We have had the school system observe my 3 year old grandson several times now, he has visited the 3 year old pre-school classroom, he has had all the evaluations done through the school system and they still say he acts fine. He has been sent home several times over the past year for aggression and other behaviors so we know something is going on. We are now going through a Psychiatrist and Psychologist for testing.

Please just keep working with him and teaching him, you sound like a wonderful mom who deeply feels her son's pain.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

I invited EVERY child in the class to the party last year. It helped some of the girls realized my girl wanted to be their friend. It is so much better this year. I made it a point to tell the moms, including ones whose girls are not always nice, how much my girl enjoyed playing with them. Some were like "I am x's M.." They are used to hearing bad things. We have had many playdates though I do most of the inviting.
I am like you and my husband is like yours. Doesn't that drive you mad?
Does he do sports or get physical outside of school? Some kids are high energy, not necessarily ADD.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Have you thought about getting him into a sport? Between practice and games it's a great way to spend some extra energy. Just a small thought :)



answers from Orlando on

Are you willing to try some of the natural remedies that the other mom suggested? The reason I ask is the one thing that really sticks out in my mind is him not sleeping through the night. Children need good sleep in order to function well. Heck, adults need good sleep to function well. I wonder how his behavior would be if he was rested. I've heard melatonin is good for sleep issues. I would also check with a Dr about what type of diet he should be on. He may have some food allergies that contribute to the add type symptoms.

Maybe since his birthday is already passed you could have a holiday party & invite some of his classmates & their parents to get to know them better.

God Bless!



answers from Chicago on

Just a thought- have you had his tonsils checked? If he has sleep apnea he could have syptoms of add or adhd. 1 in 4 children are thought to have add or adhd when really they have sleep apnea. Just somethime you may want to look into.
My oldest had a sleep test done and he stopped breathing 17 times in the night.He had his tonsils and adneiods removed- what a difference! I'm NOT saying this is the deal with your son-just a thoght.



answers from Los Angeles on

You wrote about MY almost 10 year old son!! Ours is the exact same story only without the move. If your child had no problems before the move and then tons of problems afterward-- I would think perhaps anxiety is the issue. He may be trying too hard. Anxiety and ADHD share many similar symptoms.

Last year, in addition to the problems you described, my son started with some repetitive type behaviors like wanting things to be even or retracing his steps. He did this only occasionally but it was enough for me to take him to the Dr.. He was diagnosed with OCD-- obsessive-compulsive disorder. Now I am not fully convinced of that diagnosis since, now, a year later, he has no symptoms of OCD. But it was enough for me to make the connection with general anxiety. Google childhood anxiety. You will note that kids tend to overcompensate when they feel anxious. So if they are unsure/uneasy in a situation, they act impulsively. It's not the shy, withdrawn kid we would normally picture. Kids may be completive, i.e. always hogging the ball or directing the team, because it is the only way they think they can control the outcome. Plus they feel as if winning will make them fit in more.

Mine is not on any medication and I struggle every day to figure him out. We still don't know if he has ADHD or what (like yours-- he is in accelerated classes and has all A's). I don't know for certain if anxiety is the root cause but it's a suspect. So I don't have any answers-- just my simple thoughts. Let us know if you find peace/solutions. I would love to HEAR them and TRY them myself!!



answers from Reno on

It really bugs me when people label boys ADD just because they're high energy. You could've been describing my son...the boisterous behavior coupled with amazing intelligence.

I do know that many parents don't want to deal with a "challenging" child. That being the case, I would encourage you to have your son invite his playground buddies (I hesitate to call them friends since they aren't acting like friends) over for a play date, maybe 1 or 2 at a time. Perhaps that will make your son feel more included. If that doesn't work, help him to find friends through non-school sources, like his baseball team, house of worship or other extra-curricular activities.

That said, I would encourage you to help your son find other ways of measuring his self-worth. Have him focus on what he does really well, like school or his music lessons or baseball. He needs to think well of himself, accept himself as he is, rather than depending on his playground buddies for acceptance.

In addition to vitamins, you may want to have him allergy tested. My boisterous youngster really settled down after we learned he was allergic to cow's milk...and he was drinking a half gallon of it a day. Oops! You may find there's no medical reason for his behavior; he just has a lot of energy. That's ok, too.

The bottom line is this: the things that challenge you and your son now will be huge assets when he matures. Who doesn't want an enthusiastic, sharp employee who is focused on the end result?

Good luck!



answers from Augusta on

I'm not sure how your school does b-day party invites but ours has ha rule that every boy , every girl or the ENTIRE class has to be invited if they invite kids at school. This is why I don't invite kids from school to parties. My daughter didn't get any invitations this year so far but then it's only November. Might not be a lot of Aug-Nov birthdays.


answers from Houston on

Put him in sports, tae kwon do would be wonderful for him as it really teaches calmness, discipline, respect and hard work, but also is a graet way to get out energy and meet new friends.

Have friends come over to your home, no need to wait for a special occasion, just invite 2 or 3 kids over ever other weekend or so.

If the other mom told you about calming remedies, it means she probably had a rough time with him and his energy and was trying to let you know gently maybe some things that could help. I wouldn't be offended by that.



answers from Chicago on

I am not a believer in medication for ADD or ADHD, but that's just me. That being said, you should look into reasons for his behavior. He may need more than vitamins, he might need diet change.

You might need to have some get togethers and have your son do the inviting. When my SD was first getting to know kids she wasn't invited to parties, but once she had a few of her own she made closer friends and then she was invited more often.

There are some bossy and horrible kids we know and they get invited to parties. Perhaps your son just needs to start the ball rolling!



answers from Columbus on

I agree that you should have your son checked out for sleep apnea. Talk to his doctor about getting a referral to see an ENT specialist. It would be such a simple thing to fix if that was the case!

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