Some Advice......

Updated on March 25, 2009
K.L. asks from Eagle Pass, TX
8 answers

My fiance has been working at the same job for almost two years now. He works with mostly men but there are a couple of women that work with him as well. Now that doesnt bother me in the slightest, I am more than secure in our relationship.
Lately tho, the girls from his work have been texting him or calling him when he is not at work for little reason that have nothing to do with the job. From what he tells me he is not friends with the women from his work but he does work with them so they do chat from time to time. Last week he took me to vegas for the weekend and surprised me with nice dinners and plays I had been dying to see. The whole time we were there the same two women texted him more than a few times to tell him about things that were going on at work with his friends and how the weekend was going. From then on the messages and phone calls have become more and more fequent and as I said before about things that are not work related at all, things like they are at the zoo and how much fun they are having.
A few days ago I told him that I was starting to find the messages irritating and would appreciate it if he would let them know in a kind way of course that all in all the messages are becoming too much of a habbit and he wouldnt mind if they no longer included him in these messages. This is where we came to our disagreement, he believes that because he doesnt respond to the messages in any way to encourage more he shouldnt say anything and just go on ignoring them. I say that since he doesnt respond to them anywase and he himself says they are irratiting then why cant he just say something about it.
I may be wrong and he may totally be in the right. I just wanted to get others feedback.

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answers from Los Angeles on

I think I agree with Susan...

To be honest, as a woman who found out her fiance was cheating via a text message, I'd say your fiance needs to step up and ask those ladies to stop sending him messages that are not work related...and of importance. Out of respect for his relationship and his family, these women should understand that it's not okay and move on.

It doesn't matter why you're married or not, but I think you have a right to demand some action on this one...and get it!!

Sit down with him and explain, calmly, why you are bothered and that the issue isn't fear or anger, but just asking for some consideration from people you don't even know.

Good Luck.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

Well I am putting myself in your shoes... and it would be irritating to me too.

If that were my Husband, I KNOW he would find it irritating too. BUT, my husband WOULD say something to the women. That is just the way my Hubby is. PLUS, any women friends/co-workers he has... ALWAYS shows respect to me first... asking how I am and to "..please tell Susan sorry for inconveniencing you, but this was work related etc.," So these women are not "using" my Husband for idle-chit-chat and "socialization."

OR, maybe these women are just "text-addicts" (which nowadays there are many who are just addicted to texting) and they can't stop. So they text anyone who they know socially or work wise.

Work is work. Any other contact beyond that, is not work related. If, like my Hubby who also works on weekends too sometimes, the office has to contact him. No problem, fine. BUT, beyond work topics/needs... well, it's just social idle trifle irritating contact. Which is NOT necessary.. and especially since your Fiance says they are not his 'friends.'

At least, your Fiance tells you this, and shows you the texts, right? Or does he just tell you what the texts say? If the women are not improper, there is no reason not to show you it.

These women seem to have nothing better to do, than to text the whole world like they have nothing else in their lives.

Some people just like to keep work and home-life/personal life, separate. It should be respected. Co-workers do NOT have to contact each other on the weekends OR after-hours. What the heck for?

Anyway, I asked my Hubby and he said he LOATHES extraneous chit-chat texts like this... and HE would just tell the women...and that his cell phone number is for work issues, that's all... AND that it causes a disruption in his off-hours and home life. And anyway, HOW did these women get your Husbands cell-phone number anyway? Unless they have no privacy of personal contact numbers, through their HR department.... um...

Well all the best, just my & my Hubby's thoughts,

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

yes that is irritating. when my husband and i go out somewhere (ie dinner) we both turn our cells off so they dont ring. if your hubby doesnt want them texting him then he needs to say so. it seems like these girls may have an infatuation with your hubby and maybe he enjoys it i dont know. but i would suggest telling him that you dont like how he keeps having these texts from them and that you dont think anything is going on between them but it bothers you. this is a hard issue an i hope you reach an agreement. good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Hi Krystal, My first question is, if i may ask, why are you guys not married, sinse you have a 2 year old? These lady's abviously know he's not married, so they probably see nothing wrong in texting him.I don't know how old you are I'm 52 so i am going to tell you the same thing I would tell my daughter if she was in this situation, he's got the best of both worlds, he has all the benifits of being married, sex, child, a woman, with out making a commitment, plus he has other women that he chats with, now the fact that he does not want to give that up, to me is a red flag, would he allow these women to text him as often as they do if you were his wife? No woman should should ever give herself to a man that hasn't put a wedding ring on her hard, that's love sweetie and that's respect. I'm not judging you, but if you were my child this is what I would tell you. I have one more question for you, are yout sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he nevers answers their calls or their text messages, it seems to me they would stop and text another man who would respond. I pray this all works out for the best. and keep on enjoying being a mommy, it only gets better. J.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

If making you feel comfortable is not priority enough for your fiance to handle the situation at hand then how is he capable of fulfilling you for the rest of your life. Remember marriage is a commitment and if this simple little request of ending his "not friends" phone relationships then how will he be capable when something big happens. Food for thought. Just my opinion

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

I'm with husband is a professional musician...and it is a.n.n.o.y.i.n.g.

I deal with it in 2 ways.

1) I treat it as the phone being the issue, instead of the people who are calling or texting. If the two of us are out doing something fun/cool/romantic/argumentative/serious/quiet/eating/not-sleeping/playing with our son....WHATEVER but it's US time.....we've gotten to the point that I just have him put his phone on silent. He can still check it that way, and scan through messages, but it isn't giving him the buzz. I don't know about you or yours...but both of us are pretty incapable of not glancing at the phone if it buzzes or rings. If it's silent, no hassel. I get a LOT fewer calls/texts then he does AND I can glance and ignore...he CAN'T.

If it's just me and DH, we make sure the babysitter knows to call my phone.

2) I turn it into a 3 stooges type of overblown joke. I randomly pick one of the girls (or sometimes one of the boys, because my husband is SUPER straight, so it's even funnier) to "hate". :) hehehe

"I've decided."
"I'm going to have to hate Angel this month. "
"You've never met her." (this is usually key in my 'random' selection process)
"She obviously wants you and can't control herself. I'm sorry, but that's it. Angel is officially hated. Despised. No longer welcome in this house."
DH laughing "She's never BEEN in the house."
"Loathed. Anyone who has to send 9 texts about tee shirts is either congenitally stupid, or is trying to get in your pants."
"She's SELLING tee shirts."
"That's what SHE says. Really she's a 16 year old with a dream, and that dream is you and she's not getting you. And that's it. She's on the sh** list. Cut off. Hated."
"She's forty and married."
"Even worse. SOMEONE has already found her acceptable. And she's older then me, so might be better in bed. Hated."

It's a REAL crackup for me, because sometimes my DH is too distracted to realize it's the "game" and gets annoyed. Sometimes he gets it right away and spins it up talking about how luscious "X" is, and how he only married me for my money, and now that the 50 bucks has been used up....etc etc etc. This conversation is also pretty much the same if it's a "Mike" that I've decided to "hate".

Anyhow, it lets me vent my probably natural jealousy, is a way that's fairly innocuous...and in a way that lets BOTH of us know that something is starting to tick me off...before I'm ACTUALLY ticked off. He CAN'T tell people to stop getting ahold of's his job. But since I don't always like least I can make it fun.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Yes it is irritating. I am 40 (and NOT old! Since someone said that was old :] ) When my husband and I first got married, we personally didn't have cel phones (not that they weren't around yet), so these things never happened. A house phone was so much more private and much more of an invasion to call on. Now that we all have phones in our pockets, it is easy to share messages as if that person were standing right there, as if you would send an email whether they were there or not. I believe it is just part of the times. My husband gets work related calls all the time because the operator will forward calls to him even when he is at home. We have had to bump his minutes and text to anytime because the messages come in so often. There is no such thing as hand writing a message any longer. If you have to leave a message, you "send" it. True, they do sound immature by sending message about being at the zoo...I bet he wouldn't care about them being at the zoo if he were standing right next to them, mine wouldn't.

As well, my husband receives messages on his phone from girls and I figure as long as I don't have $50 restaurant charges on my bank statement, he is not missing overnight, and the messages don't end in "luv u", then who cares. He knows, should he decide to have a girlfriend outside the home, he can leave the house key on the table.

I would give it time and see how he handles it knowing you are upset. I do however believe you will have this problem with any guy today, since everyone has a cel phone and everyone receives texts.



answers from Los Angeles on

Since you have such a strong relationship, I'd let it go. Telling them to stop would probably cause problems for him at work (us women can be catty sometimes). If he truly is ignoring them, what can it hurt to keep on ignoring it? No need to feel jealous of the attention they are giving him. Remmber he chose you, not them. Save your disagreement for bigger fish.

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