Social Media and Middle School

I really think you need to talk to a counselor at the school and show them what you are seeing.....

Can you print out any of the pages so they can see it themselves?

They may already be aware of it, and following it, but at least you would be bringing it to their attention.

I'm more concerned that you think one of the people is not a child. That is very serious. I would contact the police.

I agree that the school principal or counselor is the person to bring that to. And there is nothing wrong with reading the friends' accounts. My middle-school daughter has Instagram and I routinely look to see what her friends are posting (logged in through her account). She knows if someone is posting something inappropriate that she no longer gets to follow that person. Though with her friends the most popular thing to post appears to be how beautiful and pretty they all think the other person is!

Either the guidance counselor or assistant principal at school should be able to take this info and act on it. When my kids were in middle school, the assistant principal had them all convinced that he has some master privileges and could go into any of their FB, twitter, instragram, etc. accounts at all times. Mostly what he knew was because the kids were too dumb to set their security settings so the whole world could see things or because he would haul a kid into the office, say "log in to FaceBook" now and then get what he needed.

Most schools - and states - now have laws that consider cyber-bullying to be a school issue because it spills over into school. And the suspicious profile can be investigated.

Follow your gut on this one and talk to the folks at school who can handle anything that requires intervention.

You can tell whose parents have no idea what their kids do on-line. When I know the parents somewhat, I'll give one heads up but if the behavior continues, it's out of my hands and I'll just block the kid from my kids' accounts.

The good news is that they're mostly over it by high school and pretty-much use social media for basic communication - who is going where and when, sending each other dumb jokes, etc. The bad news is that the drama then occurs in real-life instead...drinking, drugs, sex, etc.

P.,
I get the dilema and all I can tell you is what I'd do, whether people agree or not , is entirely up to them. IF, I saw that happening I would have to report it to someone and I think school is the perfect venue to address this. I say that because, 1) you reach a multitude of kids all at the same time, 2) it does make school authorities aware of how prevalent it is right in their own backyard, and 3) the kids that are bullying will realize , they are not under the radar, and 4) there can be consequences, even legal action if serious
enough. I'd talk with the Guidance counselors and the Principal at the school about calling a schoolwide meeting for everyone to attend. (They can hold Pep rallies, why not this?) Some kids could even role play in skits as part of the program. Parents would be welcome as well. It may open some eyes to parents who really don't have a clue about what their children do, and it would reinforce the idea of monitoring what is going on with your kids. In a perfect world , which it isn't, it would be great to say it's an "at home issue" ,but, it isn't. Yes, it should start at home, but, everybody doesn't raise their kids the same, society as a whole should take part to minimize this kind of behavior. Kids (and adults) commit suicide everyday because of bullying. You know the ole saying,"It takes a whole village to raise a child", it's very true. As responsible adults ,whether you have children or not, we should do what we can to make kids realize this is not acceptable behavior under any circumstances.
If it were my kid being the bully or the one being bullied , I'D WANT TO KNOW ! Kids at these ages are very fragile when it comes to self image and how they are perceived by others, and I could never forgive myself if I knew about something that caused harm to someone, especially a child, and did nothing about it. I'd also contact the cyber unit at your local police station about the questionable '13 yr old".
My grandson had to do a whole project on this subject in the 7th grade, and it really made an impact on him. He stood up for a victim of bullying and made others realize it was ok to do this and it was the right thing to do. He gained alot of respect from everyone for it. Kids realized it was ok to be who you are ,it was ok to not be just like everyone else, but, you don't have to belittle someone just be cause their different or don't "fit in" to a certain stereotype.
I wish you luck ,C. S.

I love the way you have handled this with your daughter, and I do agree that this is a home issue, not a school issue as others have posted.

However, since you do not know all of the students involved, I would contact the counselor at the school and show him/her what you have seen on these sites. Then he/she can contact the parents and let them handle the situation as they see fit. Someone needs to let the parents know what their children are getting involved in since they don't seem to be monitoring their children's accounts.

Good for you for being an involved parent.

I get you mention 'middle school' in order to establish the age of the kids in question.
The minute anyone uses the 'but everyone else does it/has it' card in our house the argument is immediately lost.
I don't really CARE if everyone else is in fact doing it.
Since when is mob mentality the sensible voice of reason?
What's being said online is being viewed by the general public - get over feeling like it's a private conversation - it's not.

If you recognize kids names from school (that's a problem right there - kids should know not to be that easily identifiable online) and you have evidence of bullying at school then what happens at school IS a school issue.
The school should have a bully/cyber bully policy in place and they need to invoke it - often the local police force gets involved as a unit to educate the students about online predators - it's something the kids need to learn about before one or more of them become a statistic.

And just because 3 million people do something stupid is no reason to allow YOUR child to go along with the crowd so they can do something stupid too.
Say no to the social media and deny her the online tools/toys to access it.
She can do her homework in a public space in the house where everyone can see what she's doing online and when homework is finished then computer access ends - you take the laptop/tablet/whatever and/or it's batteries and lock them up.
When she's an adult living on her own and paying for her own computer/phone/ISP then she can 'social media' her brains out if that's what she wants to do with her own money.
You set the rules for your household as long as she is living with you

I suggest you make an appointment with the school counselor. They may be able to give you good guidance on how to handle this plus what to do with the information you have at your disposal.

If I knew any of these parents I think I'd play dumb and next time I see them just say "Hey, how did little Mary's pregnancy scare turn out? She sure was worried about being pregnant last time I read her status on her account" Boy with her drinking so much I'd worry any kid she was carrying might have some brain damage". Then just sort of change the subject and walk away...

I know, it wouldn't really happen like that but I'd want to know so I could rip my kids a new one.

Good for you for saying no - and to your daughter for realizing this is not for her. My own daughter is a new middle schooler and she has a basic e-mail address and no phone of any kind. We will not be going the Facebook, Instagram etc. route. She is very busy with academics and dance and honestly -- if a kid is busy with schoolwork and a solid, positive activity or two, he or she should not have TIME to spend just messing about on social media for its own sake. Our school has online tools for document sharing etc. that kids use for class purposes and that is on the school web site, and that's all she needs so there is no reason for kids to claim they need social media sites for school purposes, either.

Your child will not be a social outcast for not being on social media--not among her real friends. Those who would treat her as such are kids she would not want or need as friends anyway--right?

I think that you did what you did, looking at media, to make a really informed choice about your own child's use. That's fine. Now I'd stop looking -- your child isn't going to join this world anyway -- but I also would do the following:

Call the cops about the person you suspect is not a child. Today. Think about parents of kids who have been duped by online fakers (and who have ended up in serious trouble because of it). Those parents would have blessed anyone who had called police even on a hunch. Do NOT let any thoughts of "I might look silly" etc. stop you. Do it.

See the school counselor (if that is the appropriate person in your school) to say that you were online to monitor things and make an informed choice about your child, and while there you saw certain things that troubled you. Be clear and specific. Mention the person you think is not a child, too. Again, do not be daunted by any feelings of "I should just leave it alone." Keep it brief and to the point: You feel that in today's world you would rather report this and get it on the radar of the school than say nothing only to find months later that some kid has been seriously harmed by things you saw getting started online.

You are treading a fine line. Sometimes the schools have crisis counselors. I'd tell one of them about the serious bullying and then leave it alone.

Tough one. You don't know if bullying is real. The term bully is thrown around so much these days that is becoming a term that does not get the recognition it should if there is a REAL situation.

People now think if someone looks at them wrong or isn't protocol with manners then they are being bullied.

School guidance counselor's can be alerted to watch activity. Bottom line it's a parental responsibility to monitor online and cellphone activity.

However, it appears that you are stalking a lot of kids, including your own.

You can't police what other parents do, it's your job to do what is right for your family. So.. Is your daughter being stalked, bullied? Is she doing something outside the norm ( I personally feel she's a little too young for all of this internet privileges) , and why are you stalking/ creeping on all of her acquaintances?

Bottom line is having open communication with your child so you don't need to creep., they share with you ! Open up communications with your daughter. Develop a dialogue between the 2 of you for open discussion.

This is not a school issue. When will parents stop taking home issues to school?

This is a home issue. Set rules. Deny the tech tools.

I have a 12 year old boy and he is not allowed on any social media either. He got an email account, though without my knowledge and I wasn't happy about it, but I check it and it's nothing but spam.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do. It's a sad and scary situation. These kids should be kept busy and not on these sites. They are not emotionally ready for it.

Oh this is tough. I have a middle school daughter and I could see myself in your situation. She has an iPhone and is on some sites. But it's a case by case thing, she has to be on private settings (when possible) and we look at her stuff often, and she has to unfollow people often when I see something I don't like. We canceled askFM because I hate the anonymous thing, it was bad. Otherwise, we let her on with many limits and much supervision. I wish she didn't want it all, but she does. She does not have FB yet. We say no to so many things with her, we wanted her to be able to earn our trust with this stuff, but again we look at it with her a lot.

For the other stuff, I would be a stalker too! And I'm sure it's hard to 'quit' when you feel that dangerous stuff is going on. You are concerned mom and sweet person, I don't think it's weird that you are on there at all.

If it were me, I would bring this to the attention of the school counselor. It IS a school issue because these are students at the school. If the counselor blows it off, you don't have a lot else to go on. The other thing I would do is probably contact the parents of the kids who are being bullied. Confronting the bullies or their parents is probably a bad idea, and won't get you far. But at least make the parents of the bullied kids aware of what's going on. Again, you can't force them to take action but at least you've informed them.

After that, I would probably try to stop looking constantly. It will only serve to scare you. Maybe 'spot' check once a week/month, but you've sort of got yourself on the hamster wheel here, time to get off!

Good for you for being concerned for kids in general, not just your own. I think you're doing fine. Good luck- and keep us posted. I would love to know what the counselor or parents say if you inform anyone of this.

Does your daughter know you're stalking her friends? What does she think? What would she think of it if not?

I would stay out of it. You don't really know how much of what you're seeing is actually real and how much is drama and posturing. Yes, it's shocking the way these kids talk but that's the reality.
And your child "will not" have social media? Good luck with that. Unless you plan to keep her locked in her room and home school her she will eventually be on some of these sites. It's easy enough to do at the library or pretty much ANY phone or computer, not just the one at home.
You're just setting your daughter up to hide, lie and sneak around.
Social media is a fact of life. Your daughter WILL be a part of it. Trying to shield our kids from the real world doesn't make it go away.

If your daughter brought you information about people being bullied, would you tell her to just ignore it or would you guide her to tell authority figures at school? Someone needs to speak up when in the presence of bullying. That someone is now you.

Print screen captures of the conversations where name calling and bullying occur. Also the ones where the person you believe may be an adult is involved. Make an appointment with the school's principle and ask that the guidance counselor be present also. Explain to them that you found these posts while checking out the sites to see if they were appropriate for you daughter. Tell them all of these posts are public and that you've been following them to see if they escalated and to keep an eye on what your daughter's friends were up to. The posts are now extremely concerning and violating the school's (assumed) "no bullying" policy and you're turning over your information to them to handle the situation appropriately. Inform them that you will continue to check these public posts on the sites and will update them if any new bullying occurs.

The conversations with the suspected adult should be turned over to your local police department's cyber crime unit, with the same story about how you found them and the reasons you're concerned. Ask them to please check it out and let them know you'll be in touch with any new instances that appear inappropriate (ie. planned dates or sex talk with this person).

You have the power to do something to stop this before it gets worse and someone gets hurt. You have the OBLIGATION to do so. How many times in suicides due to cyber bullying or in cases where children are lured by strangers online do we hear "if only someone knew" or "if only someone had reported it"? You're that someone now. The power to make a difference is yours.

I'd love to know how many of the posters below have actually been on ask.fm. I have, quite a bit actually, it's far worse than most of you could imagine. I am no prude.

My advice to anyone with a kid under HS age is to not get them an iphone. If you have an older kid you are not being a good parent if you're not checking out any social media sites they are on or that their friends/peers are on. I laugh at the stalking or creeping references, that's what kids say to each other. THIS IS PUBLIC INFORMATION. Any employer, college, relative or cop could read what they are posting. It is not an invasion of privacy at all.

I have an excellent relationship with my kids, we talk and are very close. I was a very wild teen myself and what's happening on some of these sites blows my mind. Facebook has been abandoned by kids, instagram is pretty tame but there are others that are just plain scary. As for ask an important point to remember is the user CHOOSES to post each question. If what you read is bad, there is likely far worse they are receiving and not posting.

I don't have any advice for you as I would never risk my kids safety and health because other parents are idiots. An anonymous screen shot in the mail would be my only choice if I really felt it would do some good. But lets be realitic, these parents don't want to know. If they did they are just a click away.

I scanned a few and I think that you have every right to check out these social media options that children are way to young to handle in the first place. Are people for real. Children die over situations like this one. You definitely should contact the Principal and see where it goes from there. She could hurt herself or they could hurt her. It takes a village. May be these parents don't know that their children are involved in such behavior. I would think that you wouldn't want this child to get hurt. I am so glad this wasn't around when I was a kid; but that being said, my parents would have never allowed me to have access to any of this.

I think I would take my concerns to the principal and see if the school will monitor the bullying, etc. That is something that may very well manifest in some sort of serious incident at school so I would think they would want to be on top of it.

It is so much easier to bully someone through cyber space. You don't have to look into their eyes and see the pain you're causing.

Please parents, teach empathy. Teach your children to put themselves in the shoes of the victim and try to imagine the heartache and pain they are causing!

I don't have that issue yet, and social media wasn't around like this when I was a girl. Here are my thoughts, though.

When I was that age, my parents knew who my friends were. Names that they heard often (just like you know which names to search online), they met them and their parents. Sometimes it was as simple as an introduction at a school function. There was rarely a planned event where we all got together. My parents made sure that their presence was known, to all involved. They also made sure that I knew that what happened in other kids' homes did not affect what was going to happen in mine. maybe there was an inner struggle regarding what I would be allowed to do, but I never knew it. I didn't always like it, but I always had their support and their presence, and I understand now just how important their PRESENCE was. I was never seen as the kid whose parents no one had seen. No parents ever had reason to wonder if my parents knew that I was doing things that their kids weren't allowed to do. Oh, and my parents each worked full time. (I swear, I don't know how they did it at their age with kids our ages.)

My thoughts are that if you know these kids by name as well as you do, then you know them well enough to connect with their parents. I think that it's a smart parent who will check on the Internet presence of her child's friend, especially after the child has said that EVERYBODY is on it ALL THE TIME. Any parent who thinks that it's creepy (1) is only deflecting their guilty feelings of not checking for themselves and (2) should understand that ANYBODY can peer into their child's world, just like you can. If that's not a wake-up call for them, then you will know how to file these particular friends away as you determine whose house your kid can hang out in regularly and who needs to be relegated to more supervised visitation at your house.

I would show her and let her know exactly what I didn't like about what the other kids were doing. Not every detail, but give her an idea of why it's an awful idea for her at this time. I know that kids think that they know everything and won't always understand the parent's perspective on what's appropriate. That said, you have to knwo your kid and what kind of communication works. I responded well to logic. Even when I didn't agree and wanted to rebel, I felt better at least hearing where my parents were coming from. Sometimes they explained to me that I just wasn't always going to understand their reasoning and that was okay. Ugh, I didn't like that, but I knew where they stood, and I was able to put the pieces together later. They were able to use those words later to make certain points. "See, remember when I was tellign you this and you didn't want to hear it? Well, now, check this out. Do you see it now?"

Just as a side note...I too was a mom who said no to social media and showed my daughter why..we discussed it..she thought is was too much drama..etc. That was in middle school. She is now a sophomore in high school and has an iphone (got a really good deal on it..not the newest latest version..etc.) and an email account. This is for several reasons but the main one that has to do with your situation is that teachers in high school not only accept the phones in class, but most encourage them. They send emails, use edmodo, some even tweet. I have kept an open and honest dialogue with my daughter, check her emails, facebook, and instagram accounts regularly (and she knows I do this so no sneaking) and she is not a maniac about posting, etc. (texting is another subject..haha). What I am trying to say is ...eventually she will be behind the eight ball and introducing the dialogue now..really is the best choice.

so - my daughter is in middle school. has fb (rarely uses it) and instagram. i constantly monitor her stuff. like every day. i make her unfollow certain people, i make her block certain people from following her, her profiles are private, etc- there is this mean girl and some bullying started happening. it started at SCHOOL and overflowed to social media. then back to school. so i hate to say - but people who are saying this is a HOME issue only, i do no agree. i personally monitor her stuff but i can't help if another kids parents do not pay attention to what she's posting! anywho- the dean called me today and put both my daughter & this other girl on a "behavior plan" basically an agreement that they are to stay away from each other, no contacting each other through "third party" , etc - the school is taking measures to help stop this. it's a partnership. it HAS to be. it's not only home and not only school. it's both. thank god my daughter goes to a school where they try to prevent this stuff from happening. ps - no way in HELL will my daughter go on ask.fm ... no way.

I would tell a few people. The principal at the school, for starters. Bullying at the school IS the principal's business, and a good principal will deal with online bullying as well.

Don't feel like a creepy stalker -- you are within your rights to check on this. Middle schoolers need parents micromanaging their actions.

In the words of my 14 year old DD's former middle school guidance counselor, "social media is the devil" in middle school. I can only imagine it's worse than that as they get older. I'm lucky that my DD has no interest in all the drama associated with social media. She has a trac-phone for emergencies and does very little texting to a small circle of friends and that's it. Why kids of her age have unlimited access to the internet on their phones is beyond my understanding.

To address your questions, I don't feel like it's my responsibility to police other people's kids. It's hard to un-see something, but I think I'd just let it go and stop checking up on it. What other kids do is their parents' responsibility imho.

I tell my kids just because everybody has an iphone, doesn't mean we need to. There is no NEED at all to have a mobile device. Not in middle school or high school. In college, maybe a phone. To make calls if need be. Times have not changed. People don't NEED mobile devices. If they want to make calls, a phone would be fine in college.

I think parents get caught up in all this and say OK to a phone, and then their child becomes glued to it...so unhealthy!!!
I just ask, do you want your kid glued to a device? If not, then don't get one. The child will be better off!

If your daughter is not going to have social media, you shouldn't be on there in her place. Why do you get to peruse all the middle school happenings online and she doesn't?

That's my simple answer. You feel like a stalker because you are. Your daughter does not have an account, and is not interacting, yet you are patrolling.

I feel that if your daughter has any accounts, you are 100% justified in monitoring her activity in relation to her accounts and online relationships. But since your daughter is not allowed to be active on social media, you should stay off as well and stay out of it.

If you've seen some bullying online, report it to the school please. They will appreciate that. Since you know some stuff, you should call the counselor or principal at the school and discuss, then leave it in their ballpark. And I do think you should stop checking if it is not directly involving your daughter. Wasn't that the point of saying no to social media, to keep her out of the drama related to it? Don't you want the same for yourself?

(I'm a middle school counselor, and I would definitely appreciate a heads-up on stuff from a mom who saw some things online. If that mom started to call me repeatedly though, like she was the social media police of the Jr. High, I would begin to think she was a whacko. But I think one call to get it all off your plate would be the way to go).

We can't control what other people and their kids do online But we can control our involvement in it, and our children's involvement.

PS ask.fm is by far the woooorst I would stay as far away from that one, just FYI to any other middle school parents who may be reading this.