Snooping on Your Kids...

I remember my parents finding some things out about me by snooping when I was a teenager. I don't think they read my diary but my dad listened in on a phone call when he was worried about a certain boy I was talking to and I know my mom read a least one of my notes to a friend. At the time I thought they were invading my privacy and was upset. Now I realize it was just because they care about me and love me and I'm thankful for it.

This is a sticky situation. I had a collection of about 10 journals from the time I was able to write until high school. My parents snooped, read every single one, and found out many things they didn't know and I didn't want them to. Mainly sex. That incident led to some rough teenage years for both of us, all trust I had with them went out the window and it seriously hurt our relationship. But now as a mother I understand why they did it and would 100% do it with my children. As parents, it's our job to protect our kids ANY WAY POSSIBLE. And if that includes invading privacy that they don't really have a right to anyways, I'm all for it.

I fully believe in snooping! It's our jobs as parents to protect our children. While they are living under our roof, it is our responsibility to know what is going on. Like another Mom said, it's your house and they are your responsibility.

My kids are 5 and 1 and I fully intend on taking all measures to know what is going on but I also will be putting more effort in ensuring open and honest communication. My snooping will just help ensure that our communication and their activities are in sync...mostly. My parenting will then be tailored by any discrepencies.

My advice. Snoop away but spend time with them to help develop them and don't feel like you have to tell them what you find...unless it needs to be addressed directly.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
N.

I have been a snoopieeee and have snooped upon.My mother snooped on me and I don't think it really hurt me in any way.But we didn't discuss it. She just made a couple of things happen that changed my life (teehee) for the better and that is another story. AT any rate... My latest snoop involves a seventeen year old boy. My son of course. Not on purpose in most cases either, and this one was an accident as I was doing the laundry. And he had a slip for detention in his pocket, for being tardy so many times. Not that that is terrible, but it also alerted me when I received the high school's note and they said that he missed the first detention and he will get another and if he misses that he will get strict disciplinary action and parents will have to meet at school with counselors and the very important people. He was irate, wanting to know why it was any of my business and I let him know that it was my business because I didn't want to visit with the counselors and the very important people. And I warned him, perhaps I will accidentally snoop again as IT IS MY JOB. Now I have had a lot of respect for him and my other son, and I do not intentionally snoop for the most part, but when I accidentally find things like a bottle of booze in the underwear drawer some years back (see a journal is safer at this moment)I was pretty sure my husband hadn't hid it there but the older son some years back (he was of course holding it for a friend) so I do make it my business to be sure they know there are occasionally surprise inspections. I don't think you have to confess to your daughter or tell anyone else in the home, as that can betray the trust factor AND I don't think you have a lot to be alarmed about as I was a journal writer/aspiring author and perhaps she will become an author some day...But if you can protect her in the future from some of the knowledge you might gain on these accidental snoopings, and spare a lot of pain to your family then you would be doing a disservice to not accidentally snoop. This is a tough world for middle school aged children and lots go through this time unscathed but you can be on the alert anyway and if you reveal your source you might not have that access to knowing her beautiful soul and how you can keep it flourishing.

Hi J.

This one is tough. My kids are 3 and 10 months so I'm not there yet but I do have some thoughts on this. My mother did that to me when I was about your daughter's age, maybe a little older and at the time I was super mad at her but in the long run it was for my best. She was able to help me work out some issues I was having and her concern really made me feel like she was someone on my team and that I could go to her with anything I needed help with. It's all in how it's handled in my opinion.

I am an IT person and because of that I know alot about computers and I have every intention of having blocking and monitoring software on my kids computers when that time comes. They will know some of what I have on there and some they will not know. And I won't feel one bit bad about it. If I came across my daughter's journal, I'd probably read it and I won't feel bad about it.

Maybe when we were kids and things weren't so scary out there then you could afford to give your children unlimited privacy but these days? I'm not so sure. Kids are dealing with issues of drugs, sex and violence younger and younger now and even with the best of preparation by their parents are just too young to know how to effectively deal with it. It's our job to be their advocate and to make sure they aren't getting involved in something that's just way over their heads. Too many parents are turning the other way and pretending their blind to their children's actions. It's irresponsible.

Now, would I tell her EVER that I read her journal? No I don't think I would. I think I would find another way to address what I found out without telling her I read her journal. Tell her one of her friends Mom's talked to me or one of her friends etc. And I certainly wouldn't go reading it every day or every month but if my kid is exhibiting strange behavior or hanging out with a different crowd I'll be looking for it then.

This is really all about your personal philosphy on the rights children have to expect a certain amount of privacy. I tend to feel that the safety of my kids trumps their privacy.

I don't think you should address the cursing rant you found, she knows that you wouldn't tolerate that and that's why she wrote it down. I'd actually be proud of her for that. She knows what's acceptable and what isn't and she went the appropriate route to vent her frustrations.

So I don't know if this made you feel better or not but I really wouldn't think twice about it. In my opinion your being a responsible parent who only has her child's best interest at heart. Just don't use typical pre-teen/teen age behavior against her. She's gonna curse you out in that journal and she's going to talk about boys she likes and girls she doesn't like and that's all normal. Only step in when it's dangerous to her physical, moral or spirtual safety.

I am all for snooping. I look at it this way snooping could save their life one day. How would you feel if you did not snoop and found out too late they were doing drugs or being pressured into something they did not want to do? I have 2 teenage girls and I have no problem snooping once and awhile.I call it cleaning their bedroom though! I trust my girls, but I also know that their is a lot of peer pressure at this age and I would like to feel I have done everything I could to keep them safe.

I know you've already resolved the issue within yourself but I'd like to add something. My daughter is young yet- so we're not at the stage of journals and boys and everything. But I remember when I was at that stage. And I remember my dad snooping and being sneaky. He went further then you- he came to my school and went through my locker, he searched my room, he tape recorded all my phone calls- to everyone. I had no privacy. Yes I was still a minor and yes I lived in his house but everyone is entitled to some privacy. I'm sure you're thinking I must have done something to have him be this non trusting of me. But I didn't. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17- didn't have sex until I was 18 (and living on my own), never tried drugs, didn't have my first drink until I was 20, I was an A and B student. I was editor of my yearbook, an editor of my school paper, swam for a community swim team, on Poms, involved in peer teaching. But for a long time I couldn't figure out how he would tell me parts of conversations I had had with my friends, my Mom, and my siblings (My parents are divorced). Until I was 16 and saw a tape labeled A. Phone on top of his dresser when I went to go get something off of there. So the next time I was home alone- I listened to it and the others I found in his drawer (yes I went snooping myself then). He had listened to everything- conversations I had had with everyone. I was mortified to find out he had listened to me talking about crushes on boys, talking about getting my period, cramps, when I started shaving, all personal things that he had no business knowing about. Then I set up a way to find out if he was reading my journal and going through my closet- and surprise, surprise- he was. And a teacher I was close to told me about him going through my locker. So I started hiding things from him. My Mom, friends, and I developed a code to use on the phone so he wouldn't know what I was talking about. I hid my boyfriend from him for months, I stopped bringing my friends around, I lied about where I was going, what I was doing. I came up with any excuse to be anywhere but at home. All to gain some of my privacy back. And to keep him out of my life. I wanted to be in my life as little as possible.
And then I moved out before senior year was over (although there were other circumstances involved there) and haven't looked back since. I haven't spoken to him in years. I felt like he lied to me and I couldn't trust him. And I couldn't stand being around him. He's never met my daughter and has no idea where I live or my phone number or anything.
I plan to be involved in my daughter's life- asking questions, being present, talking to her- but not to the extent where I will read or listen to things she doesn't want me to know. I didn't have an open relationship with my Mom either but my best friend and I both had one with her Mom. She talked to us, and really listened to us and made herself a part of our lives. She asked us pointed questions about things and was very honest with us. And ya know what? I think she was a big reason we didn't do the things other kids our age around us were doing. We weren't a part of the kids stealing and drinking and doing drugs and acting out. She never once snooped on us. She didn't have too.

Hi J.,

My children are young yet, but I have a stepson who lived with us from the age of 14 and I worked with middle school aged kids for 8 years. My feeling on it is that your room is in my house so I will look around when I think I need to. We were straight up about that with my stepson so he knew what to expect from us. I do think however that they need the respect of some privacy - telephone calls, journals, bathroom time, knocking before entering their room when you know they are in there, etc. Now being a nosy person by nature, it will be hard for me not to look at a journal. But, I know that when I was young I used my journal many times for venting and then to me the incident was over - just a private and appropriate place to get my immediate thoughts out. So my advice: Don't beat yourself up about it, don't mention it to her, and don't do it again.

Good luck!

Nice to meet you J.. I am C.. Can I say "Oh my god!" I have 3 boys, the oldest is 11-1/2. I have had bad dreams about that same situation happening to me. I have no idea what I would do. If I honestly felt that there was an issue, I would look at the journal without thinking. I know that. But, just general curiosity about what she is not telling you? I want to think that I would never violate my child's privacy like that. I can say that because I said that I have never been in that situation. (Thank GOD!) If I was to have that situation come up in my own life, I am 99.9% sure that I would be in the exact same boat that you are right now! I would look, just to make sure that everything was okay, then when I found out everything was okay, I would feel incredibly guilty. I guess that just means that we are good parents. We want to trust our kids, but our sense of protection for them out weighs that. And would you not rather feel like you do now, as opposed to having something happen that could of been prevented if you knew about it. Face it, our kids are NOT going to tell us everything. What a perfect world it would be if they would! Nice to meet you!

I believe privacy should be respected. I also don't think you should tell her about it. It definitely will ruin your relationship. It will ease your guilt, and it offer nothing to her, other than the fact, that you invaded her privacy. It was innocent enough, because you did not go in her room with the intention of snooping. As a young girl, she won't see it that way. I am all for snooping, if there is a problem with a child, that you cannot reach through any other means, such as talking about it, etc..If you feel there is a problem, than by all means, you have to what you have to do.In the meantime, I would just leave well enough alone.

Hi J.,
I have read my son's journal and I felt bad, but he had a lot of problems so I felt I needed to do that.
I never told him.He is fine know.When you snoop, for me, it just means you are curious what they are up to,because they don't tell you much.I find it harmless and necessary, if you feel your child could be in danger or just to see what's going on.But never let them know !!! If you find something,that you don't like,find a way to confront them, without letting them on where you got the information from.
My mom did it too. MC

I kinda think, don't do it again unless there's something you are worried about, and even then talk to her first.