Smoking - Las Vegas,NV

Updated on April 29, 2010
J.T. asks from Las Vegas, NV
8 answers

Ok so when i first met my Husband he would only smoke when he was out with friends drinking. I didnt mind so much, but it did bother me a bit cause my Mother was a huge smoker and I thought it was gross. We were together for a few years before i got pregnant with our son. After he was born I asked him to quit smoking for our son and he totally agreed thought it was the right thing to do. Well he tried but if he got drunk with the guys he smoked,. About 3 years ago my mother died of lung cancer....She was my world, beside my Husband. It was so devistating to me that it still affects me to this day. He knows how i feel about smoking period but after my Mother died i was very stern with him in the affect that i will not stay with him if he continues to smoke. I know that sounds harsh but you have to understand he is all the family i have left and i can not go thru with the cancer thing again due to smoking. It was very hard on me. I have expressed my feelings to him on plenty of occasions but I feel like he either does not trully get how I feel or he does not care. Im tired of telling him that when he does smoke it feels like He is stabbing me in the Heart over and over again! Well we got into another fight tonight cause he once again smokes. I cant take it any more and dont know what to do. please help any advie would be great........

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answers from Philadelphia on

I can't stand when people smoke it just reaks I don't care how clean you try to be with it, I had really bad experiences with family members.

My concern is you know he smoked and got drunk before you married him why should he stop now. Don't get me wrong I totally think he should stop both bad habits especially now that he has a child. You married him knowing his habits. He will stop if he wants to and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. I hear smoking is highly addictive so he really has to want to stop smoking to succeed.

Good luck, I must sound harsh and I am sorry for that.

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answers from Las Vegas on

you're right in part J., he doesn't get the pain he is causing you. But, there is more to it.

He smoked when you met him, it is a proven addictive habit. Not to say he can't quit, but he is addicted. It will first take his desire to quit, not yours.

So many of us know, being overweight can cause stress on our heart, but we still continue eating beyond what is necessary and don't exercise to reduce our weight. No one can tell use any different. I only have 15 lbs to lose since my daughter was born 4.5 years ago...he only smokes sometimes when he drinks. See what I mean.

He smokes when he is a relaxed state, very possibly drunk. Not to say he is a drunk, but from your words, when he drinks. At that point, he is more worried about how he feels and far less worried about how you feel. Just the truth.

So you decide you can take no more and leave him because it hurts too much. He is the father of your son and if he were to get cancer and die, you still have to deal with his death. He is the father of your son.

My husband smokes every day and was at 2 packs a day at that....Marlboro. The sad thing is, I used to watch him smoke from a distance and was actually attracted to the "cool" look he had as he de-stressed with a cig. Today, I think his clothes smell, his breath smells, and he smells. I have asked him to stop and he doesn't we had a baby and all the doctors have told him and more so me that it is proven that smoke on the clothes can cause secondary smoke. He still smokes.

My mother had cancer, which was successfully removed. Every year I photograph the Susan G Komen race for the cure. Perhaps neither relate to the smoke, but I am fully aware of the evil involved with cancer. It sucks.

My Mother has so much smoke in her lungs between my Dad and working in the casinos, the doctor asked her how many packs she smoked per day.

Very secretly I believe my husband is trying to quit. He is smoking some native brand natural cig. The carton says non-addicting. At first he hid them and then he found it necessary to tell me someone gave them to him and he is saving money. He has actually slowed down the smoking, but it is hard! It is something your body says you need.

I am not saying like it, or live with it, but understand there is more to it than just quitting because someone said you have to.

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answers from Kansas City on

as a former smoker, and without reading the responses, i feel so bad for you hon. here's what i am thinking ok? first off it is HARD to quit smoking. seriously! it's like, i don't even know what. if someone told you, you could never ever again do the one thing in the world that satisfies you, comforts you, eases your stress, calms you down...and on top of that, something that is completely physically addicting. going through hard times? nope, no comfort for you...don't talk to friends, don't get a hug from someone you love, no way to feel better. stress triggers the need to smoke. i can't even tell you what it's like if you'v never been addicted to something.

that said, i'm not going to say it's "not his fault" and "he's addicted". he is a grown man. he has a choice. if you honestly feel you cannot stay with a man who smokes, that's your choice. but would you leave him to punish him? i'm not sure that's fair. would you leave to make it "easier" on yourself "when" (and IF) he gets cancer and dies a horrible death? he's the father of your child. part of you will always love him, and not being married to him, should this happen, isn't going to make you feel better about it. just think about the reasons behind your threatening to leave him.

i would suggest a bit more tolerant approach. first insist that he doesn't do it in YOUR house, in YOUR car, in YOUR presense. although it sounds like he mostly keeps it away from you. then, realize, he's a grown man. threats and you nagging are never going to make him stop smoking. he would have to decide, FOR himself, BY himself, to quit, for HIS reasons. if you nag him, one of two things will happen. #1, he will quit, because of pressure from you, and then he will start up again and try to hide it. #2, he will just keep right on smoking and it will cause huge upheavals because you will never let it go and your marriage will be screwed. i promise, your nagging won't make him stop. i cannot stress that enough.

NOW, if he WANTS to quit, truly and truly - and it's not just to appease you - then you can be SUPPORTIVE and help him. on HIS terms. ask what HE needs. that's if you really and truly want to help him quit, for real, and for good.

but i'm warning you, until it is HIM that is committed to him quitting, not you, it won't happen. no amount of threats or leaving him will "force" him to quit. if you leave he'll freak out and smoke even more. promise. if you nag, he'll stress out and smoke even more. promise.

he's a grown man. in my opinion, as long as he keeps it away from you, he should be allowed to destroy his body if he wants. it's a free country. but i also didn't vote for all the laws being passed saying no one can smoke in sight of any other human being ever at all in the history of the rest of the world, either (that's what they're doing in my neck of the woods.) this is america. as long as it's not hurting anyone else (phsyically, i mean), i don't feel we have a right to stop someone from hurting him or herself. just mho. i hope you can find peace with this one way or another.

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answers from Dallas on

Try your hardest not to take his continuing to smoke personally. There is no habit like it, and it is VERY difficult to quit. I can speak from personal experience. When my pregnancy hormones kicked in with my first child (we are talking day ONE after conception), smoking grossed me out, and I quit. That was the biggest lifesaver ever. Its the only time that I can say that morning sickness was a GOOD thing.
The point I am trying to make is that more often than not, smokers need help to quit. There are many options, the patch, nicotine gum, prescription medications, etc. He should talk to his doctor. Try not to bug him about it, and PLEASE, try not to let it hurt you so badly, he doesn't want to hurt you, its a terrible addiction.

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answers from Los Angeles on

Don't let your mother's death trigger emotions in you that you are then placing on your husband. You knew he was a smoker when you met, married and gave birth to his child. He does care - otherwise he would not put up with the ultimatums. It's an addiction. What if he got hit by a car and died? I think that might be equally hard. Losing a loved one can be very difficult regardless of how they pass. Breathe. He sees where you are coming from, so try to see where he is coming from.

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answers from Tulsa on

I have tried to quit 5 times with no luck it is a very hard habit to break.nagging him is just going to make him smoke more due to stress. stress makes you smoke. you cant give up an addiction because someone thinks they can pressure you into it. The only one who can make him give up an addiction is him. peer pressure will not make someone quit smoking. It makes them want to smoke more. Society believes they can force us to quit smoking because of the discrimination we recieve and the peer pressure. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. if you want him to quit smoking quit telling him too.


I think orchids idea of a smokeless cigarrette and a patch together might work. The patch is not enough nicotine, the smokeless cigarette is not enough nicotine(i have tried both) but with the nicotine combination it might work. and the addiction of needing something to keep your hands busy is also taken care of by the smokeless cigarette. For those of you who have a spouse who WANTS to quit suggest this I think it is a brilliant idea. I might even try this combination. :)

I have tried everything else what is one quit tries will either be 6 and no luck or quit on the 6th try.

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answers from Savannah on

I am an ex-smoker and I have to tell you nothing can make you quit unless you want to. I am so thankful I quit (about 7 years ago). My husband has never smoked in his life and hated that I did it too. If I had drinks with friends that smoked I usually wound up smoking too.
I honestly think it's that he doesn't understand where you're coming from. Are his parents still alive? Someone who has lost their parent (especially if they're close with that parent) will only be able to understand how devistating this is to you.
I lost my Dad 2 years ago to lung cancer as well. He had quit smoking like 30 years ago! My Mom has lung cancer and is battling it too (but you know how aggressive lung cancer is!). She was a heavy smoker so I wasn't as surprised when she got the diagnosis. But you would think knowing that BOTH my parents have lung cancer that you would never touch a cigarette again right? Wrong. Two of my sisters still continue to smoke even after watching what it did to our Dad and what it is doing to our Mom.
So my point in telling you that was to hopefully put it in perspective how addictive smoking is. Or it's that ignorance or denial that it could ever happen to you.
So, anyhow, my thought on it is to not fight with your husband about it. I would sit him down and just tell him calmly that you hate it, you don't want to lose him and that's why you get so upset, you're aware that it's hard to quit, but it can be done. Ask him to do it for you and your children. What helped me when I quit was to think of lung cancer, think of how bad it stinks, think of how stupid I looked standing there in the cold weather shivering outside just to smoke a cigarette, think about how it was yellowing my teeth, and so on. I attached every negative connotation I could to the thought of smoking. Eventually in stead of thinking "oh it'd be nice to have a cigarette while I drink that glass of wine" (or whatever the situation)....I would think "I'm so happy I cantaste my glass of wine without having a nasty cigarette." I altered my thoughts on it and it helped a great deal.
Good luck!!! And I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom.

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answers from Portland on

Denise is right. He'll have to really want to quit, for his own reasons, in order to succeed. I think he probably cares very deeply about how much his smoking bothers you, but that's your issue much more than his.

All you can really do is tell him you love him and don't want to lose him that way. If you keep it about "you," your feelings, and your needs, he'll be able to hear it better. If it turns into an attack on "him," his nasty habit, his not caring about you enough, then he will become defensive and have a hard time even listening to you.

Sorry, sweetie. You married a smoker. The good news is, after several tries, many people do succeed in quitting. But smoking is REALLY hard for most people to give up.

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