Small Lies

I would get some counceling for both of you. aaif he is even willing to commit to this relationship & making it work then he should be willing to go. If he denies anythingis wrong then maybe he isn't Mr. Right & definatley wait to have kids till you know the situation is settled.. good luck

Please DO NOT have children with this man until this is resolved. You didn't say what he's lied about, but you obviously don't have a relationship of trust with him. So seek out a professional to help you resolve this and if he just has issues and is a chronological, pathological liar you may need to rethink your whole marriage simply because you can't trust him. Have you asked him why he does this? Does he know? Does he know there's something wrong with it? It's very odd to perpetually lie like that even when he doesn't have something to hide. Either he has a disorder or he is deceitful to cover up, and neither of these are something you want to raise a family with. Hopefully he can figure his issues out, but don't have children with him unless he does.

uh, dO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT have kids with a lier, !!!!

I wrote a friend off because she lied about the stupidest things!!!!! Everything was fabricated, she lied about her education, her being a doctor...people she knew. Her husband knew but choose just to laugh about it. My poor friend had a hard upbringing with no mom in the pic, and I think that is why.

Sad thing is, his friends know he is that way too. So you might not keep long term friends since they will have no RESPECT (such a big part of a marriage) for him. Get him counseling and address it and figure out why and see if he can stop it.

Trust is very important in a marriage - if you can't trust each other, there's always going to be doubts. I would suggest going to a couselor together - it sounds like he has some issues. Especially if he can't tell the truth - even about insignificant things. And once the lies start to unravel, you may find yourself in a bad, bad situation. So, I'd ask him - no, TELL him - that you'd like to do some couples' counceling. I think it's the only way you're going to get him to stop lying to not only you, but himself.

Dear C. I have been married 31yrs but living under the same roof for 33yrs. I'm no expert by any means, but if their are small lies now there will be big lies later. People lie for many reasons but trust is the real issue. If there is no trust, there is nothing. I don't know if this helped but I hope so. Good luck and most of all go with instinct first, and your heart second. Take care M.

I know it's hard when you love someone, to imagine your life without him or her. I have a couple of suggestions on how I evaluate things. Maybe they will help you make a decision.

I ask myself one question on determining if someone should stay a part of my life:

1.) Is my life better with this person in it than without?

If my life is better with them, then they stay. If my life is not better, then it's time to break all ties.
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Another decision making tool is the 10-10-10 (from Oprah).

Ask yourself: How is this decision going to affect me in 10 minutes?
How is this decision going to affect me in 10 months?
How is this decision going to affect me in 10 years?

If you leave him:
.....in 10 minutes you will be in shock and tears.
.....in 10 months you will be divorced and have moved on with your life, out of limbo and LIE free.
.....in 10 years you will be married to someone who loves you, who doesn't lie and have a beautiful stable family.

If you stay with him:
....in 10 minutes you will be the same, exhausted, wondering if will ever stop lying.
.....in 10 months you will be in therapy and he may or may not be lying.
.....in 10 years he may still be therapy (depending upon his illness), may or may not be lying. If you have kids and he's still lying, you will be miserable and your kids will be suffering. If he isn't lying, you will hopefully be happy and thankful and be great parents.

That's an example of how the 10-10-10 works. You have to answer those questions yourself.
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Other people are suggesting counseling and that is not a bad suggestion as long as you are realistic of the positive and negative outcomes and the amount of time you have invest. If you feel you love him that much to devote the time and energy AND you truly think he wants to change, then stay. Help him. We all need to help make this world a better place and by making it a better place, we need to help make those who live in it better people, including ourselves.
If you choose that route (therapy), you have to be prepared that you are going to invest years of your life with this man while he is in therapy trying to correct this problem that may never be fixed. And he may need to be in therapy forever. I know someone who’s been in therapy for 25 years, is still going and still not better.

However, if he is not aware of his problem and your gut is telling you he really doesn't want to change and he's not remorseful, then leave. My gut has always been right (even when I didn't want it to be). Someone who lies that much has a psychological problem and is not going to stop lying on his or her own or for another person. I have known multiple people like him over the years. They lie about things that don't even matter----so why do it? I've had 4 co-workers, 5 previous friends and have one brother who is like that. And my experience is there is no changing.

At this time, DO NOT HAVE KIDS with this man. Do not have kids until you both are stable and ready to give 100% to your children. You can't support him through therapy and take care of the kids by yourself. That would not be fair to you or the kids. Plus raising kids is a two-person job, he needs to be able to take care of the kids too and teach them good morals and values. If he lies all the time, what kind of example is he setting? Our children are little versions of ourselves and are usually a direct reflection of our parenting. We are responsible for the kind of persons our children turn out to be. "Handle with care" label should be on all children at birth. You do not want to start a family with this man not knowing if he is going to be there in a few years or be of any worth as a father.

I don't mean to be harsh. I have just been there, done that. I wasted years and years on worthless people who never really cared. You just have to know when to get out and when you stick around. Some people can change but it's very very hard and they usually have to hit rock bottom before doing so, if ever.

I wish you wisdom. I wish you courage. I wish you strength.

So sorry to say it, but you're right - he needs help. I have been married for 10 years, and my spouse doesn't lie to me about anything, for any reason. It has not been "convenient" but rather necessary for us when times are rough. Which has seemed like always.

My sister isn't so lucky. Her spouse lied about fundamental beliefs and she now has two kids. She is left with no good options. Divorce, remarriage with little girls, the statistics are not in her favor right now. If you know he's a liar now, you can't really expect him to change after kids show up - and then they are dragged into it - innocently so. She has been miserable beyond words, and so have we, watching her go through all this.

Before moving forward on the kids front, I'd try the counseling front. You are very wise for stalling at this point in the relationship. Some disasters you can recover from, others leave a wide path of destruction and hurt.

Hopefully you'll get what is best for you AND your future children. ;D You deserve it, and so do they.

My first thought- PLEASE do not have children with this man! (yet) Being a parent is challenging enough with two parents in a happy, healthy, stable relationship. Let alone in the situation you describe. You still have PLENTY of time to have children. Please take your time and make your decision about your marriage first.

I agree with HC's reponse 100%. Please read it and take it to heart. Life doesn't have to be this way and you deserve better.

Good luck!
C.

I feel for you - I was married to someone who seemed to lie for no reason at all. I did not do anything about it and things got to the point of no return - we divorced after four years. Luckily, we did not have children.

Have you thought about counseling? There is probably some underlying reason why he feels the need to lie and talking to someone may help uncover it.

I can say that the hurt from those little lies builds up through the years and it's hard to recover from. I wish you the best...

Hi C., HC is so smart, really hit it on the head. MY ex lied about dumb stuff and it always made me wonder if he was lying about big stuff. Well, I found out the hard way...he was texting women he met in chat rooms and spending all his time on the PC and not with the family. He had an addiction he couldn't stop and I didn't want to waste anymore time with someone who did not ultimately care for enough to get help to stay with me and our kids. We have been separated for over 2 years, and now divorced for over one. He just remarried last Saturday and I'm living and almost engaged to the "real man" I should have always had. I never expected to be divorced and would never lightly suggest it to anyone. I would take HC's advice and do some serious soul searching. He is being disrespectful to you and the marriage and you DO NOT want to have kids with someone like that. I wish you the very best of luck but know that there are good men out there who will treat you the way you are to be treated. You don't ever want the lack of trust to be an issue in a marriage. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

You poor thing! This has got to be not only frustrating, but quite hurtful as well. What a disappointment. I truly feel for your situation, and I must say that I would have a very hard time with this behavior. If he is lying about little unimportant things, then he is lying about anything and everything. Sounds to me as if he may be a habitual liar, which shows poor character habits, disrespect, and so on. Even worse, he could actually be a pathological liar...which is someone who actually believes the lies he is telling. It is like a sickness.

How can you have a relationship with someone who lies non-stop. Everything is based upon lies... you will never be able to believe a word he says, which would just drive me crazy. He cannot be trusted...EVER! It is that plain and simple, and I am sorry for anyone who must deal with a person like this. I would suggest some counseling, and if he does not agree, and does not think his behavior needs changing, then I would run.

C. I am sorry for your pain.

I don't know if this will help you but it was a huge lesson to me. My boyfriend told me little lies to try to protect my feelings. It was very painful when I discovered the lies but instead of getting really angry or yelling I spoke very softly with a hurt but non-whiny tone. I told him how much it hurt me. I was amazed at how much he decided to open up to me. But my reaction made him feel even worse. It helped us heal 110% faster because I wasn't on the attack.

I have learned very quickly that when I raise my voice or get mad he shuts off and it magnifies the situation. I know that when I am angry at something he does, the best way to handle it is with a calm voice and I cannot use harsh words. It can be hard sometimes because emotions can be raging but it is really the only reason we are still together because I have learned this. It is amazing that he TRUSTS me to tell me everything now and I can now trust him.

Sometimes it is simply a matter whether your spouse can trust you with the information not knowing what the reaction will be.

I tell you all this from the position of what you can possibly do different only because you cannot change him. You can only change yourself.

I don't think any person is different. When someone is attacked or yelled at their defenses automatically go up and a civil conversation and listening is destroyed. You both at that point just want to be heard and no one is listening.

I guess I am saying that your reactions to his lies or actions are going to determine the outcome of the situation.

My advice to all women is that how we speak to our husbands and with what tone of voice is going to make or break the relationship more than anything. It is amazing the power a wife has by the tone of her voice and reaction to a situation. If fighting is a regular than the effect may not take place the first occurance.

I'm not sure how you treat your husband but another piece of advice...If your husband is used to being condemned when he dries the dishes wrong or didn't take the trash out soon enough and he never seems to do anything right, he is going to open up in life where he feels he is being accepted. Women are no different. But if we can ignore and love the differences and compliment and praise what we do accept then you will have a very satisfied husband that has no need to look for acceptance anywhere else. A man's self worth is more fragile than we think and as a wife we have so much power over that!

Good Luck!