Sm Is Undressing in Front of My 8 Year Old Dd

I find your request a bit baffling, and wish you'd write out who's who for clarity, but I assume you mean your daughter's step-mother is sometimes dressed in only her underwear when she's alone with your daughter?

Unless there's something lewd or suggestive about the underwear she chooses, or unless she is behaving suggestively toward your daughter, I can't imagine that you'd have a case against her. I'm assuming she's doing this in her own home, and it's generally considered allowable for people to run around in whatever state of dress they find comfortable. She's not displaying her body to a child of the opposite sex.

If it causes your daughter discomfort, I'd strongly suggest that you talk this over with your ex calmly, and without drama, and simply ask that she give the girl the consideration of putting on a cover-up. If you are looking for ways to prove how unsatisfactory that household is for your daughter, you'll probably need to document other behaviors that go beyond the pale. I can't imagine any possible scenario that would allow you to place a nanny-cam in someone else's house.

Try polite conversation first. If you're not yelling or accusing, chances are better that you can get a reasonable concession.

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I don't expect to change your mind on this but I don't think a woman wearing underwear in front of an 8 year old is a big deal. It's no different than a bathing suit.

I suppose that your attitude about it is what's making your daughter uncomfortable with it. If you told her -- it's no big deal, it's just underwear -- she'd be fine with it. She takes her cues from you.

What else has the stepmom done? I'm going to assume she's done far worse things than this, for you to be so upset about her.

I remember sitting in my moms room with her talking to her as she would dress when I was a little girl, probably the same age as your daughter. It never bothered me. I really don't see a big deal with it. It's not like your daughter is a teenage boy watching his stepmom running around in her undies. I kinda think you are over reacting just a wea bit here.

I'm pretty surprised that you are more upset about a woman in her underwear, than your 8 yo knowing what exohbitionist means! :-)

I am sorry, but I really don't understand why you are so angry about this. People walk around naked or almost naked all the time--it goes with the times we are in. If your daughter is really uncomfortable with this, have her ask her stepmom to put a bathrobe on or coverup when she is around. She is 8 and fully capable of asking her stepmom to do this. There is no need for a nanny cam or spying etc. What would that solve??? Nothing. It would make the stepmom and you have extreme hostility and would pull your daughter into the middle--which a child should never be between adults and adult problems. I say leave it alone and let your daughter handle it with stepmom---if that doesn't work, then you can ask to speak with your ex and tell him to talk to his wife.

M

What makes you think that you have the right to tell this woman what to do in her own home??

Not everyone is a prude nowdays. It's not like she is taking her clothes off and dancing in front of your daughter.

I think you're overreacting. If your daughter is made uncomfortable then she has to talk to her dad and step mum about it. I myself am a step mother to a 5 year old - her and I shower together etc.

It's possible that your reaction is making your daughter think that she needs to feel uncomfortable, or she has just never grown up with family being comfortable around each other.

She's walking around in her bra and panties and this upsets your daughter? Does your daughter get upset when she sees women at the pool or beach in their bikinis? It's the same thing. (And actually many bras and panties cover more then bikinis.)

I'm also unclear as to why you want a nanny cam? You can't seriously be considering sending your daughter to your ex's house with a camera to film her new step-mom. That's all sorts of wrong.

I can understand you're being upset if there are other more serious circumstances, but a woman walking around in her own home in the equivalent of a bikini isn't worth wasting your time or energy on.

sounds to me as if you're pretty hot under the collar about a combination of things (which may well be justified) and are using this one as your blow-hole. first off, calm down. your daughter would not be in a tizz about this if you weren't. for your daughter's sake, stop stoking the flames.
of course you cannot install a nannycam in someone else's house. even if you could, it's not illegal to wear a bra and panties in your own home, in front of kids.
good thing i'm not your daughter's SM, she'd be exposed to the full monty, like it or not!<G>
khairete
S.

There is nothing morally or legally wrong with running around in one's own home in bra and panties. You believe differently, yes but you cannot change someone else's beliefs. This is not an indication of instability. It is most unfortunate for your daughter that you cannot accept the step mom's behavior. You are creating your dd's uncomfort. If you were not critical and could tell your daughter that even tho you don't like what she's doing that she has the right to do it you would be helping your daughter learn to accept people who think differently than she does. This is a very important trait to have for success in life.

You cannot stop the sm. You can help your daughter be more comfortable. Which is more important to you? To be right or to help your daughter be happy and well adjusted?

I don't understand why you want to put in a nanny cam. The sm isn't denying the description. Your daughter has witnessed the behavior. There is nothing to prove.

Has your daughter even talked with her Dad or her sm? Seems like you're pulling out the big guns when a calm, respectful conversation may resolve the issue.

Most importantly, you cannot legally put in a nanny cam in someone else's home. How would you feel if the sm put one in your home?

Later after your later addition. This home does sound very unhealthy. Focus on the serious behavior as you did with your addition. Let go of walking around in bra and panties. That part is really no big deal. When you pick up on everything you dilute your argument. Pick out the serious stuff as they would be seen by DHS and the court and document those. You don't have to have it on film. Write down what you've seen and what your daughter describes. Date each entry as well as give the dates when each event happened. Include the names of others who witnessed it.

If you don't have an attorney get one now. The attorney will help you get your case organized and presented in a manner acceptable to the court.

The behaviour you're describing doesn't sound like a real issue. Your DD could also be uncomfortable about it because you are - kids are sensitive. Now if there are other "real" issues, and this is just an annoying one that's pushing you over the edge, then that needs to be dealt with. Unless it's Fredricks of Hollywood underwear, it covers more than a bikini would.

You may be pissed off that the Smom's a part of your life, but you are ALL co-parenting your DD. As a child of multiple divorces, I have to ask that some sort of blended-family counseling be looked into so you can all get along for the well being of the children. Believe me, they'll thank you for it in the end if you can be civil to each other.

Good luck!

Have you or your daughter talked to your ex about this? If not, what do you think his reaction would be if you were to try to talk to him about it as non-confrontationally as possible? I think that's where I would start first if I were you. I'm pretty certain that it's illegal to put a nanny cam in someone else's house.

Or maybe your daughter can say something to her that is to the point but with a little humor to it (to soften the blows) whenever she sees her walking around in her underwear. Something like, "Oh, I see you've lost your clothes again. Would you like me to help you find them?" Or, "Wow, you are quite the exhibitionist! I think I am going to have to buy you a robe for your birthday." These things, if said with a little humor and a smile on her face, may be enough to shame her a little bit without causing an all out war in that household.

Sounds like stepmom maybe a bit young or doesn't have adequate boundaries. Good luck with that!

Her SM might think it's OK since they are both girls. I know that sometimes I like to run around like that. Granted, my DD is only 10 months old, so it really doesn't bug her yet. I used to go into my grandma's room all the time while she was changing, for whatever reasons. My female cousins, and many of my female friends and I are fairly comfortable seeing each other in nothing but our skivvies... She just might not think it's as big of a deal as it is to you. I'm not saying that it's OK, because if it makes your DD uncomfortable, it isn't. Have you tried talking to her (or your ex...) Simply tell them that it makes your DD uncomfortable to see her running around like that all the time. If they are reasonable, she should stop. If not, then you can look into persuing it further.

I'm not so sure it's really a problem. Some women are less modest than others. We all end up in the lockeroom together one day or another. Just tell your daughter that SM isn't shy about her body. If it was your son she was running around in bra in panties in front of THAT would be a problem.
Have daughter give her a robe as a gift....and then she can say "Uh, please put your robe on, I dont like to see your half naked self running around the house grossing me out".

You don't sound crazy, you sound like a mom who is beyond frustrated with the way your daughter is being raised in her other house by her other parents. Whether it be casual nudity (although underwear is borderline, many families practice *real* causal nudity), body shaming, religious choices, food choices, sleep choices, discipline choices, things that are allowed or disallowed (like movies, books, friends, electronics time, electronics ownership), clothing choices, curfew, allowance, chores, potty training... any one of a hundred or even thousand normal/healthy lifestyle choices... when they are NOT the way we want our kids raised; we see red.

I happen to come from a family who comes from a region (scandanavia) where nudity in general is no big deal, much less general state of semi-undressed inside one's own home... and spent half my life on US military bases in Japan (where public baths off base are all nude, and many of both genders)... so nudity is no big deal to ME at all... but that doesn't make it any less infuriating for YOU to have your child being raised in a way that you don't like.

The part about her walking around in her bra and panties didn’t stand out as a red flag to me but the rest of your post did. When your DD was 7 and SM was bathing her, was she getting bathed against her will? Was SM forcing her to get in the shower? That would make a huge difference. The fact that you called DHS leads me to believe that SM was violating her in the shower and not just helping her get clean?

Also you say you daughter wants LESS visitation with her Dad but you are against that? That statement alone contradicts your entire post.

Your DD is 8 and has a voice. Listen to it!

When my DD was 9 and wanted to cut back visitation with her Dad, I made it happen. When she was at her Dad’s the tension and stress there was overwhelming and her grades started to slip, she was becoming depressed and losing friends.

My only goal was to help my DD. She wanted less visitation so VOILA! I listened to her and made it happen. Her grades went back up, she was happier than I had ever seen her and her Dad even noticed a difference.

Running around in one's bra and panties is like running around in a bikini...unless they are see-through.

I understand your frustration...but think you might be a little too close to the situation.

I don't know how you and your ex divorced, how long it's been or whether anything has been amicable during this time. I don't know if you are jealous of new wife or not.

Is your daughter OFFENDED that her step-mom is running around in bra and panties or just not comfortable? Or is she saying this to get a rise out of you - which it did and to stir up trouble? Kids can be VERY manipulative when it comes their parents...

I have two boys - I run around in my bra and undies (granted, i don't wear see through bras nor do I wear thong undies when I am running around)...but that's ME. I don't do this while we have friends over and I don't do this just for the heck of it.

While it's YOUR opinion that what she is doing is wrong - before you start throwing allegations out there or at her and your ex - you need to think of WHAT you are trying to accomplish - if you go at this like a bull in a china closet - you aren't going to get anywhere but more headache and trouble.

1. IF you have a good relationship with your ex - go to ex and say "John - Susie is not comfortable with Sharon running around in her bra and panties - can you please talk to her about this?"

2. IF you have a crappy relationship with your ex's new wife - then you need to be an adult and show your daughter that even though you don't like someone - you can still be NICE AND get thing accomplished by being NICE...."John, Susie is not comfortable with Sharon walking around the house in bra and panties...I would appreciate it if Sharon would NOT do this while Susie is with you."

3. IF you have a good relationship with your ex and his new wife - call her and ask to meet for coffee - let her know that Susie has expressed her feelings and is uncomfortable with her walking around the house in bra and panties and before it gets out of hand - is there some way we can compromise on this?

Anger isn't going to work. Yelling allegations will not work - it will cost money to hire a lawyer and just stir up trouble. It doesn't appear that the step mom is flaunting her body to or touching your daughter - so this is a PERSONAL choice. You are ALWAYS going to be tied to this man - you have a child together. You two, although divorced, need to get on the same page and be adults. Let go of the anger, resentment and overall bad-ju-ju and keep it simple. Life works sooo much better that way. From your post - you are VERY angry over something that is VERY SMALL (in my opinion). You need to take a deep breath, take a step back and be nice. Be the adult. You don't like what's going on in the house - COMMUNICATE. Your idea of unstable and someone else's idea of unstable may not be the same. So when talking with your ex and his new wife "IT IS MY OPINION that Sharon walking around in bra and panties is inappropriate. It is ALSO the opinion of OUR DAUGHTER's that it is inappropriate. We need to find some common ground here..."

I wish you the best in letting go of your anger, hurt and resentment. I hope that your daughter is NOT trying to manipulate you and get a rise out of you.

Just my opinion (and yes...I did breastfeed) - It is much less suggestive than a woman whipping out a boob in a public place in front of strangers of all ages and both sexes...and millions do that every day without any issue. We accept this, so I guess having stepmom not rush to be completely clothed, in her own home, in front of another girl, just doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world to me. Additionally, you can see this same vision on commercials during primetime television shows. In fact, half the role models kids look up to are routinely caught wearing less, in news stories or photos.

If your daughter has a problem with it, she should speak with her stepmom and dad.

I say pick your battles...there are a lot worse behaviors that could be going on.

I would think your first reaction to this would be to discuss the situation or teach your daughter to speak up and discuss it, before ever considering such drastic measures as a Nanny-cam.

If the police can't bug someone's home without a warrant, I don't suspect you can either. You might want to let it go, or talk to them.

Hard to decipher (determine) what "allogations" you are referring to.

I still help my almost 8 year old with his bath. He prefers a bath to showers b/c he likes to play in the tub and left to his own choices, he would--just--play. There's nothing "odd" about it. It doesn't bother me and it doesn't bother him.

Is it the bra/panty thing that you object to? Do you ever let your daughter see you in your bra & panties?

When there are kids involved--your kids or "skids" (as you so lovingly refer to them) then they will be exposed to and, at times, pay the price for poor choosing with regard to selecting another mate.
So sad that people cannot see this.

I have two step-children myself, both girls (9 and 5now). They have NEVER seen me in less than pj's (tank top and shorts) since I potty-trained younger SD (at the time, she'd suddenly need the bathroom while I was showering etc but I was always behind the curtain). I have been in their lives since they where 6 and 2, and still help younger SD bath at 5yr and she's just starting to really understand modesty. My older SD would never say anything against an adult but she is very much aware of her body and others around her. This is a matter of respect not for the child's mother, but for the child.

Obviously, your ex doesn't have much of a backbone and is clearly putting his wife's whims before his child's best interest. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can legally do about that, just try and compensate for it as much as you by being the best mom possible.

Both the fact that your DD is uncomfortable with her SM's actions AND that she is mentioning wanting to see her father less make me think that maybe a good idea for her would be to talk to a therapist or even just a school counselor about her feelings. At least this would be a good way for her to vent, and to come to have a better understanding of her feelings, helping her separate her issues with her SM and the instability from those for her father. It could also help later with any DHS meetings if the counselor is concerned about her feelings as well.

I've dealt with my share of crazy ex-wives (in different ways, from personal to having to call the cops when I was a daycare teacher because I had an ex-wife and SM fighting over the kid at school and their on-going issues as they affected the child). You don't sound like one, you just sound like a concerned parent.

Getting angry about it wont help the situation, and may just add fuel to fire (in the sense that she may not stop knowing that it bothers you...) I think situations like this are only a big deal when made a big deal, with that said, if you daughter has expressed that it makes her feel uncomfortable then that and only that should be communicated...Is is reasonable to talk to her dad and let him know 'hey DD came home today and told me that it makes her feel uncomfortable when SM passes thru in her bra and underwear...' then let him respond. and sound concerned, not angry and dont blow it up as that will only make him defensive and start acting like your the crazy one. Im sure there is way more history to this, but just keep it about this.

There is nothing appropriate about a woman parading around the house in underwear. It's not the same as a two-piece bikini b/c they don't live on a beach. If the girl is uncomfortablet that should account for something. She doesn't have boobs yet, does she? She's looking at this developed woman and probably comparing her own body to that of an adult's and feeling inadequate. People have to look at the bigger picture and take the child's best interest into full consideration. Surely, it must be confusing to the girl to see this happening on a regular basis. Sweatpants and a tank top is more appropriate. No excuse for this nonsense.