Sleep Issues with Daughter

Hi J.. Well, I am sure my advice is not going to be what you want to hear, but here goes anyway...

What is your boyfriend doing sleeping over at your house in the first place?? I'm just wondering if that is going to be ok when your children grow up and become sexual - because, of course, that is what you are teaching them by your example.

Our children learn who to be in the world through our behavior. So your daughter (and son) are learning that it is totally ok to just sleep with someone when she feels like it! You see, she won't get or understand your excuses for it - she'll just emulate it...

So my first advice is to be who you want her to be. And, of course, don't be upset with her when she does what you do. It will be what she was taught from the very beginning.

Otherwise, your daughter is communicating with you loud and clear and you are not listening, nor are you hearing her. She is just way too young to have a strange man come and go in her life. When your boyfriend comes and goes - on his, adult, schedule, a child doesn't get that he has a life.

She gets that another man is doing what daddy did. Leaving.

The very best thing you can do is to not mix your sex life with your job as a mother. DO NOT allow your boyfriend to stay over, and don't act sexual in any way around your daughter. She already knows her Dad left and she has had not choice in who replaces him. That is a nightmare for a child to begin with. Don't complicate it.

After she gets through this traumatic time and you are remarried in a committed, strong, loving relationship that will be another story.

In the meantime, either she sleeps with you to comfort you and make bed time/night time easier for you (which it really should not be about...), or you work on keeping her in her own bed all night.

Doing that is simply a matter of... doing it. Do not allow her in your bed. Do not allow her to pop in and out of bed. You have your bed - in which you sleep alone, and she has her bed, in which she sleeps alone.

Be kind, be sweet, be loving - but don't let her get out of her bed. And don't you get in. Rub her back, sing to her, rub her head or feet. But she stays in bed.

If she gets up, put her back. Gently and lovingly. If she is secure in your love for her, she will be able to sleep soundly in her own space.

If she is not - if there is a usurper in her Mom's bed, this will not work.

She is your number one priority right now and for at least the next 18 years - this is not about you.

I have a daughter who is 2 1/2 yrs old. Never sleep in bed with your kids. They will always want to, and will start to have a hard time going to sleep on their own. I've instilled this w/my daughter since 8 months, and it has worked. Even now when I put her to bed and she cries, I tell her it's bedtime. Establishing that is very important, even though the cries will break your heart, I believe it has to be done. Routine is important in a baby and toddler's life.

We as a rule NEVER allowed our children to sleep in our bed. They have always been in there owns beds. I don't really know what to tell you at this point except put her in her own bed, gate the room, let her cry for awhile. She'll be okay and eventually fall asleep. Does she have a TV in her room or a radio she can listen to? Our children go to bed every night between 7 and 8 PM with no problem at all, always have, and they get about a 1/2 hour of TV when they go to bed, we set the timer to shut off and they go to sleep. Children sleeping in bed with you is a hard habit to break but your bed is your bed.

I totally hear you! My daughter stopped sleeping through the night as soon as we stayed some where other than her first home. We stayed with my parents until the closing our our first home (at about 6 months old.) She could climb out of her crib by 9 months. I can't remember a whole night of her sleeping in her own room. She is also a late owl. At her 2yr DR visit (that DH came to) the DR laid out a plan. Having DH there and hear it helped a lot, luckily you wont face that. The plan: As soon as my son didn't have to go to school for vacation and him getting a good night sleep wasn't such an issue, she was in her own room with a gate up! I put her to bed and she stayed in there no matter what. I have started a routine where we say prayers and I sing a song. I leave and don't go back. She stays inside the room until morning. If she wakes up crying or gets up and plays it doesn't matter. I don't go talk to her, put her back in bed or even walk by where she can see me. That is it. It took about 3 nights. She now loves her own bed. She's a princess girl so getting her princess sheets helped. We call it her princess bed and she loves it. The DR said these things can take up to 2 weeks so it is best to be prepared for the worse and when the best comes through it's great! You just have to stick to your guns and not bend even the tiniest bit. Good Luck!

Hi J., I agree with one of your other responders - try to help her practice sleeping alone & help give her the tools she needs to quiet herself. A nice bedtime ritual of a chat and then a cuddle together while reading a book, and then a second book with me sitting beside the bed, and then a clear goodnight with a hig and a kiss helped my son with me leaving the room. She's at a good age to use a blanket or a soft stuffed animal to help with this transition, or my son used to love one of my nightshirts (probably smelled like me) so I'd let him sleep with that.

re: the boyfriend part - while you do need to think about your daughter's needs in involving another adult in her life (i.e., she doesn't really need to even meet him unless you are sure he is going to be there long-term), if he's going to be a part of her life, I think the biggest thing to emphasize is helping her with the sleep issue when he is not there so it's a non-issue if he is there -- you want to avoid her being able to sleep with you when he isn't there and then sending her out when he is there, or she's going to feel like he's taking her place (which she's prone to feel anyway if she's used to having no other adult there to share your attention).

--S. H.

my first daughter went through the exact same thing.. she wound up in my bed until she was almost 3. I did similar things as you, i would lie down with her until she slept or just let her come in and cuddle, it simply became a habit of hers, but since I was single... i didn't mind. WHen i became seriously involved, however, everything changed. In the end, I had to be vigilent in getting her to sleep in her own bed. Whenever she came in, we would go straight back to her bed where i would lay her down... reassure her.. and then leave. It took a good week or two, but she eventually stopped coming into my room and allowed me a normal night's rest!! It's funny though, she's 8 now and when my husband (the then boyfriend) travels for work, she asks if she can sleep with me (I tell her no).. but i guess old habits die hard!! =)

Both of my sons slept with me in a "family bed" situation, and at present I lie with them at bedtime (5 and 3) Both of my kids sleep through the night soundly with the occasional waking up but going directly back to sleep with little coaxing. My feelings are that they will soon be telling me they want to do things themselves and want their privacy so for now I'm enjoying the closeness and cuddling as much as possible. If you, as the parent, are ready for seperation I suggest starting with conversations that bedtime will be different soon (perhaps even choose a certain age?? Like 24 months); maybe special bedding or a special stuffy to make it almost a celebration. Then pick a day and go for it. Naturally it will not happen easily or overnight, but it will happen. Another suggestion would be to pick certain days of the week that you will lay with her, and others she goes to sleep by herself - a compromise so to speak. Hope some of this helps.

This is so hard! I went through it too with my oldest daughter. She still does it when I have friends over or my husband comes back from a deployment. Your daughter knows there's change and she just wants that security of having you next to her. Here's what we did and we usually no longer have a problem. A bedtime ritual is a must. We do a story and sing a song and then snuggles. Another thing we did was try to get her excited about sleeping in her own room. We got her a real bed and made a big deal about her toddler bed being a baby bed. We let her pick out the sheets and decked out her room in princesses. So, she was very excited about sleeping in a princess bed in her princess room. Every time she cried about sleeping in our bed, we told her she could sleep in the big girl princess bed or the baby bed. She usually chose the big girl bed. It will take some time and effort on your part, but don't give up and above all, be consistent. If you're not consistent with whatever you decide to do, she will never sleep by herself. Good luck!

I'm sure you daughter has become attached to you because of her young age and she may be having some anxiety of missing her twin. ( I'm really sorry to hear that ) Not sure how serious you are with the boyfriend but you will have to try one or two things. 1. Get her to sleep in her own bed or 2. I'm sure after a few times of her sleeping with you and the boyfriend she will start to change her mind. One thing you have to do is not let her win at everything. If you allow that then she will know that all she has to do is have a temper tatrum and she will win. My son will be 7 soon and there are many nights that he gets into my bed. My husband is gone all the time because he is a truck driver. Some people frown on that but having my little one ( he's the youngest of 5 ) in bed with me to watch sleep is all worth the trouble that I had during the day. Good luck with everything. M. A. - Limestone, ME

my daughter is almost 5 and she like to get in bed with me and daddy and I HATE it i want her in her own bed so what we would do is if daddy was up then he would move her if she fell asleep and then she would be in her own bed and the other things that we would do is we would go in her room and lay with her and we would be in there for like 10-30 min and then if she was sleepin we would leave been we would say time to sleep and if ur not sleepin SOON then were leavin and that worked better... mine just started to try to sleep with us and like i said she is almost 5 (june)..... i hope some of this helped ..
Good Luck
J. marie

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Hi J.. Have you read The No Cry Sleep Solution? she has some great tips on moving a child to their own bed.
For instance - make your child's sleep space fun and safe. So play with her in her bed so she likes it there.
Let her sleep with you, and once she is asleep, move her to her own bed.
You can also nap with her in HER space, and then leave once she is asleep.
The book goes into more detail. I hope that helps!

Hi, the earlier you put her to bed the better. Kids need at the least 14 hours of sleep at that age. I still put my 7 yr old to bed at 7pm. I found that if she does'nt go to bed by 7 she kicks into over tired and then stays up real late unable to sleep. You can also try reading to her before bed. I have always lied down with my girls at bed time and read them it does take some time (15-20 minms or so) but the benefits are worth it. they have always been good sleepers an not only that but they learn how to read real early. both of their reading levels are way above average. it works hope I could help. good luck