Sleep Issues - I Can't Get My Son to Settle down at Bedtime!

C.,

Hi,

I had that problem with my son too(he's almost 3)- and what I did was tell him once we were done reading, giving kisses and hugs and getting water, that I was going to leave then and that I needed him to stay in his bed and go to sleep. If he stays in his bed, he gets to put a sticker on his board the next morning. If he doesn't stay in his bed-- I walk him back in- I don't say anything and I leave again...the key is NO talking at all. Whatever they say, if they cry etc. I say its time for bed one time and thats it. Soon he will learn that you mean it and will stay in his bed. It may take several nights, but its worth it!

Take care,

Molly

Hi C.,

Even the most perfect sleeper will go through changes. There is a reason. It could be something making him afraid, or it could be that he's over-tired.

With my first son, I would get impatient and sometimes angry which made it worse.

I get better results with my kids when I am on their schedule at night, and have my "downtime" in the early morning. I changed my "body clock" for reasons like yours.

Be patient with him, there is something troubling his little body and for whatever reason, he simply wants you. Try to make him feel as important as your "downtime".

~N. :O)

We've gotten to the point at our house that after I tuck the kids in (they are 5 and 7, but it's the 5-year-old who has the most bedtime issues), they are allowed to get up for the bathroom if they need it, but they are to do it quietly and then tuck themselves back in bed. So if your almost-4-year-old can take care of the potty on his own, you might give him the freedom to get up and go if he needs, but let him know that he'll also need to take himself back to bed when he's done.

As for water, we now keep a little bottle of water by their beds so they don't have to get up if they're thirsty--it's right there. I don't always fill it all the way, just what I think they can handle without having an accident overnight. And when the water in the bottle is gone, they have to wait until morning to refill. Just knowing that he's got the freedom to go potty or take a drink may make it less desireable if he doesn't get extra attention for it.

But the biggest breakthrough for us came from using the kitchen timer. It really helped with my daughter's getting-up-to-tell-us-things problem, because if she would just stay in bed they would sleep! (I especially hated the "I can't sleep" announcement to us in the living room... two minutes after I had just tucked her in!) I posted this yesterday for another mom, but I think it might help you too...

We got the kitchen timer out, and I told my daughter that I was setting the timer, and that she needed to stay in bed and wait for me to come back when the timer rang. The attitude was that this was a little game--could she wait quietly while I went to start the laundry or whatever, until the timer rang? I started with just 2 or 3 minutes so she could see that it wasn't so long, and I really would come back. Then I put the timer in my pocket and left the room. As soon as it rang, I went back and sat with her for a minute or two. Then I explained about setting the timer again and that I would be right back when it rang. But each time, I lengthened the time by a minute or two. Eventually, I would come back and she would be asleep.

We repeated this nightly, but each night I started the timer at an extra minute or two so she would slowly get used to waiting longer for me. It took some time, but it was relatively painless, crying-wise. And eventually I didn't need the timer any more. I could just tell her that I would be back in 15 minutes or after my shower or something like that, and she would wait in bed for me. Usually she'd be asleep by the time I returned.

If she decided to get up and not wait for me, I would take her right back and possibly start the timer over again.

Now she's 5 and when I put her to bed, she says, "don't forget to check on me later." And her room is usually quiet after that because she falls asleep pretty well now. But occasionally in the morning she asks why I didn't come back, and I just have to explain that I did, but she was asleep already and praise her for being such a big girl and going to sleep so well.

We've used the kitchen timer for lots of different things, and this one worked real well. Might work for you too. Good luck!

We had the same problem before we established a routine. We do the same thing EVERY night and now our son (3 1/2) knows what to expect and actually looks forward to the bedtime routine. Ours looks like this:
Dad gives bath; mom dries and dresses him for bed. He gets to lie in between us in our bed for 15 minutes and he selects a video/show that is bedtime appropriate. He goes potty, gets a sip of water and selects one book for us to read to him in his bedroom. Then lights out!
It may sound like a lot, but we all enjoy the last hour of the night and look forward to spending it together. I think the key is consistency and sharing quality time as a family.
Good luck!

Well, around that age, my son got to the point he was ALWAYS getting out of bed too. He simply would not stay in his room long enough to fall asleep. So we did what my parents did once upon a time and put an hook and eye latch at the top of his door - high enough for me to reach but not him. Once he had everything he needed - brush, potty, his water, song/story/prayer/hug/kiss, then it was night night and we hooked the door. The first night was horrible! He screamed and cried and shook the door so hard for maybe 45 mins. The next night only 15 mins. The next night just a few mins. After about a week or so, we were able to put him to bed and say night night after completing his routine and he stayed in his room. AHHHHH, I could be a good mother after that!

Some people think the Cry It Out method is cruel and inhumane but it's a way to lay down the boundaries clearly and give yourself the much needed time to recharge at the end of the day and be a better mommy the next morning (or in the middle of the night should he wake & need something. We unhooked the door once he fell asleep every night when we used it.) Hooking the door longterm is not necessary. Really, just a couple weeks, and maybe a reinforcer every now and then (usually just the threat/reminder will do to remind him to stay in his room once it's bedtime.)

I don't know how you can keep him in the bed, other than with a reward system. What I did was just put a baby gate in front of the door. They can get out of bed, but not out of the room. My grandson fell asleep in the floor in front of the gate a couple of times, but no big deal. Once they find out they can't leave the room and can't wonder around, he'll start staying in bed.

When he gets out of bed, put him back in without a discussion. If he gets up to "tell you something," you tell him it's bedtime, you go to sleep. Then put him in his bed. Don't answer him, talk with him, or react to anything he says. Make sure when you put him to bed the first time that he has used the bathroom and had a drink of water, and that he knows there will be no more getting up for these things. Then you just tell him, you had your water and you went to the bathroom, now it's bedtime--- then put him in his bed. Don't reason with him, or discuss it, or do anything other than put him in his bed. It will work, if you are consistent.

C.,
You will get a variety of responses and all will be true as his your son's inability to wind down. His little engine does not have the maturity yet to bring it down on his own and he nay always need extra time at night. Some kids just fatigue, like to wind down alone( though few) others need the routine of no tv, no electronics, a visual schedule posted, pick up toys, bath, brush teeth, read books...sing quiet songs, talk about day...for us prayer..white noise or lullaby music...back rubs..and they still protest with juice, water, hunger, bathroom, forgotten lovies...random thoughts..some are not ready to separate..I know you are! I get it..I have two that recently started needing me again..after we had nice routine and frankly, when my husband is home, they have a harder time going to sleep and that is our time to catch up..when he travels, the house is quiet, by my sanity, earlier in the night...everything closed up. water upstairs...I will remind you of this, in a few years, they will ask you if you could please close the door so they can have their privacy..just keep the bond going..repeat that kitchen is closed, will be there in the morning...plan breakfast and something fun, help him feel warm amd cozy in his bed...enjoy that magical twighlight time...build into that now ...so that he always feels he can come to you..especially when he cannot sleep..

We have an almost 3 years old (next month) who did the same thing. We ended up having to put a locking doorknob on his bedroom door so we could lock it from the hall. This isn't for everyone, but for our little guy you could put him to bed 20 times in one night for 2 weeks and he'd keep on doing it. He never fusses more than 5 minutes at night and as soon as he's asleep, we unlock the door. I check on him after unlocking door and he's always up on his bed where he belongs. I'm a mom of 27 years. 3 adult children and we adopted; 3 year old the youngest. Kathy

Sometimes the issue is that the child is overtired and adrenaline is preventing him from winding down. With our son, an earlier bedtime helped. Also, I would look for the earliest sign of fatigue I could find. In our son's case, before the yawning and eye rubbing came this kind of spaced out look. As soon as I saw that, we went into bedtime routine mode. It's also important to keep the bedtime routine short and sweet -- e.g., wash face, brush teeth, use toilet, lights down, nightlight on, one book, in bed, one round of "twinkle, twinkle little star" (sung by parent, not child), an "I love you. Sweet dreams," and a kiss. Also, I was advised not to use the word sleep with my son. It was okay to say it was time to rest or to stay quiet, etc., but not to say it was time to sleep. Not sure why, but I decided not to question something that was working! Then, when he started the need a glass of water, have to tell you something games, we did the following: before going into his room, we told him that this was his last chance to have anything to eat or drink before going to brush his teeth except for the cup of water we always put on a small tray table near his bed. We also put tissue on this table, and anything else he seems to want frequently (it's not very much stuff). When he would call us to tell us something, we would go up the first time and tell him that this was not the time to tell us, but that we would love to hear what he has to say in the morning and that we would not come into his room again that night. We refused to engage in conversation -- answering questions, hearing stories, etc. -- except to say that he needs to remember to tell us things before bedtime or in the morning. After coming up with these ideas and then being consistent for a week or two, he stopped trying to call us to his room.