Sister Hurt My feelings....dilemma

Updated on June 01, 2011
M.L. asks from Fillmore, CA
14 answers

I have a 21 month old girl and now 5 months pregnant. My sister is pregnant with twins. She already has 3 other kids aged, 8, 6, & 3. Her husband, her (sis), & all there kids still live with my parents. They pay no rent or help them out. She supposedly says they are looking to move out and looking for a place. We are giving her a baby shower next weekend. She registered for the twins & registered for 2 of everything. My other 3 sisters & I have our own expenses & mortgages to pay for so we will be planning on pitching in for her baby shower gift. My sisters & I have been discussing how much we will be pitching in & what to get her, etc, etc. Yesterday I spoke with the eldest sister simply about the shower gift. After I got off the phone with her, 10 minutes later, my sis pregnant with twins sends me rude texts. Stating that why am I calling our mother & 2 other sisters about how much they are gonna pitch in for her gift & that they can buy what they can & what they want. ???? I felt so puzzled about why she was reacting this way. So I explained to her that we are simply talking about what we are going to try to purchase which I think should not concern her since this is between us other sisters & mom. I called her because I don't like to text if someone is upset, & she started to lash out at me & then hung up on me. I called again and she asked what I wanted & I said if you let me talk instead of yelling at me I will explain. So I asked her why she was so concerned about what we were planning. She stated that my sisters & mom were complaining about me calling them regarding how much they planned on contributing to her gift. So I asked to speak to our mother since they live in the same home. My mother asked her while I was on the phone with her why she was saying that, that our mother never said that. Suddenly I hear my sis in the background say, "I didn't say that."
I also called my eldest sis to ask if she called my sis (twin mom) regarding this issue. But she said she never said anything like except that we were trying to figure out what to get her.
My sis (twin mom) really hurt my feelings to the point where I don't want to be part of her shower. I am trying to consult with my sisters & mom regarding her gift & shower games and I get this.....
I let my mom know that I will not be attending my sisters shower because I feel so unappreciated when we are trying to plan something special for her. I already feel like I have enough of my own stress during this pregnancy and I feel like this just brought me down even further to the point where if something goes wrong, I feel like everything is automatically my fault. How do I deal with this?

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Wow. She's having a shower for #'s 4 and 5??!!
She should be happy anyone is getting her anything.
Ignore her.
Get whatever you, mom & eldest sis have planned.
I would go to the shower b/c the knee-jerk reaction to ditch it is just something you might regret down the road.

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Washington DC on

Whether its frowned upon to have a shower for the 4th & 5th, depends on the situation. I think it is okay, since they are strapped financially, and probably need things.

As for what to get her, I would lean towards a group gift of a crib or the car seats, since she will NEED those. A ton of diapers and wipes, etc.

As for her attitude, she's probably expecting mom and some other sister to buy her all the big new expensive stuff like she received before. By you trying to do a group gift, you're taking away her ability to play the heart strings while out at the baby store and come home with a truck full of stuff.

I've been in a similar situation. The mom-to-be, was hoping that the family would all buy her the big new expensive crib, mattress, travel system and changer that she wanted, instead of us doing a group gift of just the crib and mattress or just the travel system.

If you really want to stick it to her, just buy her a Diaper Champ for her crappy attitude. ;-)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

She is pregnant with twins and totally hormonal.
You are pregnant and also hormonal.
Let it go.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Lansing on

Your sis is a user. Every family has one. That person who can never seem to pay their own bills and the whole world owes them. I stood up to the user in my family and it backfired on me. I am the meany. How could I be soooo selfish. My family has barely spoken to me in 6 months. My suggestion . . . go get her a present. Matching clothes or something. Let everyone get their own thing. Take a step back. Don't speak out against her, but don't step up for her either.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Breathe one two three...

She is probably coming from a place of hormonal rollercoaster overdrive...

There is probably some jealousy also...think about it..pregnant with twins..3 kiddos already and a hubby and STILL living with your parents. She may think you and your mom and other sister are talking behind her back so she is hyper sensitive.

Just let it go...put a smile on your face and shell out the the original money you specified spending on the gift. It is wonderful you all are doing this for her fourth pregnancy. Sounds like your whole family has been helping her out for a looooong time. She is in a financial bind...babies on the way...busting out of the seams at your parents home and just probably overly emotional about everything. Gather all your patience and compassion and let this go and try to be understanding...I is hard when you are just trying to do good and she is lashing out and suspicious and accusing you. Good luck..and best wishes for a happy baby shower!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

um - a smidge tacky to have a baby shower for your 4th and 5th child. Sorry you are in the middle. Congrats on your pregnancy.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Charleston on

Agree with Ladybug - let it go. Take a few days to calm down. She probably will too. Life is too short. You both should be celebrating the new, wonderful lives you're about to bring to this world. Call a truce and make amends. :)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

i wouldnt be throwing her a baby shower.. she has 3 kids already and lives off your mom, she can reuse her previous things or ask for help moving out onto her own. you should focus on your pregnancy and buy yourself something nice, is she going out of her way to set up a baby shower for you?? sorry to seem harsh or rude but its how i feel. and yes hormones are racing on both ends but she shouldnt be lying to your mom about who said what either.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Redding on

I hear hormones screaming,,mostly on her part, but Im sure it upset you more than usual too. I say let it go, and she will someday realize what a selfish brat she was acting like. Go ahead and chip in for the gift with the others and make sure your name is on the card. Go to the shower and smile. Your kids are going to grow up together as cousins, sharing the same grand parents. You dont want to make that a miserable life for them. Be sure to mention to your M. and other sisters how much you are looking forward to YOUR shower soon too. Be proud of yourself for taking the high road, and for supporting yourselves without mooching off parents. You can also look forward to how her kids treat her as they grow up. With her attitude,,and that many kids, shes bound to get her share of payback.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Nothing constructive is going to happen while you are both pregnant and stressed. Don't drop out on your other sisters and mother. They don't deserve to feel the need to pick up any slack, which is the position you would put them in. Do what you can to contribute, and perhaps later she will thank you for sticking with her through such trying times. Or she may permanently have her head up her butt. You will feel better about making long-term decisions about your relationship with this sister when there are not so many extenuating circumstances.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Oh no! Nothing like 2 pregnant women hashing it out! lol That is too bad and I'm sure the last thing you want to deal with is a hormonal woman.

I think that is nice you were trying to be considerate and coordinate a gift for her. You should give yourself that much credit. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

Sometimes with family, we have to do something we don't want to do, but for the sake of knowing you will have to see them a few times a year for the next 50 years, you just have to smile and pretend all is well.

You are pregnant. You have a family to take care of. Do what you can can in accordance to how much effort you want to make and everything else will fall into place. Perhaps whatever issues you and your sister (twins) have now, can wait until everyone's given birth and hormones/families/emotions have settled.

The few hours you spend helping w/the shower and attending it might be worth the sacrifice of avoiding trouble and ill feelings for the next 5-10 yrs - even 20 yrs.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

It sounds to me like your sister is trying to find out what y'all are getting for the twins & how much everyone's spending. I base that opinion off the fact that she already has 3 kids & is mooching off of your parents.

If they are living with your parents, why the hell do they keep having kids, is my question? And where is all their money going if they're not paying bills? She sounds self entitled, spoiled & lazy. I don't think I could deal with someone like that, family or not.


answers from Chicago on

Chalk it up to hormones and stress with twins on the way, continue on with your plans as they are and video tape the shower ... it could be special!


answers from Norfolk on

I can't stand Momzilla's.
I've heard of a 2nd baby shower if the sex will be different or if there was a wide gap between kids (older kids grown, baby stuff gone), but a shower for #4 and #5 seems - well - greedy.
And everyone might be fine with it but having such a large family while living with MY parents would be out of the question for me.
Yep, everyone is hormonal, and your sister definitely is being rude.
Heck, you didn't get her pregnant.
Her tantrums are all hers - it has nothing to do with you.
If you think she's likely to wig out at the shower, there's no point in going to watch the performance.
Relax and take it easy.
There's no need for extra drama if it can be avoided.

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