Single Mom with 18 Month Old

If He's that big of a jerk, he done you a favor. You won't see it that way for quite sometime, but you will someday.

You're not alone. It's happening to a lot of women out there. They will eventually realize what they lost. By then, it's usually too late. Move on, you're better off w/o his sorry arse. Better yet, plan to be self-sufficient and you won't have to put up w/ any of their bull****. That is the advise that I've been giving my sisters. I know it sounds like I'm bitter, but I'm not. I'm happily single, self sufficient, and realize my self worth is in my own eyes....not theirs. Good luck.
Kim

I've been in that place, sweetie. My husband and I split when our daughter was about that same age. Though I did see it coming, the pain was nonetheless so difficult. That was over two years ago and some parts of me are still reeling, the main one being it's difficult to truly and fully move on with someone else, because I've been seeing this man since almost the time of the divorce and he is absolutely everything my ex was not. He is everything I've ever wanted in a man, and yet my heart is still attached to that part of the marriage. I'm working on that and probably it's still there because I didn't take time for myself after the divorce. I just jumped from one relationship to another. I'm not in love with him anymore but a part of me still wants to take care of him. I've never cried so much for anyone in all my life as I did him. And that was during our marriage. Anyway, I'm here to tell you I'm still here and you will be too. I dont' know if you go to church or not but the Bible says if your husband does leave, let him go. God will deal with him in a very special way. *wink* Just remember, hurting times are just that, they HURT. Words will not make you feel better right now, nothing will. And that's ok. You need this time to mourn. And you're doing the right thing by talking about it, if only to strangers. And if I've helped you any, you will just continue the cycle by helping another woman go through it some day. God bless you, sweetie, and that baby. You both are gonna be ok.

J. - I am so sorry you are having to go through this! It is VERY painful and I know because I have been there. Just remember you are not alone! My husband left me (and our 2 year old and 5 year old) after seven years of marriage. He left me for another woman. Like you, we had our first child right after we got married, so we had very little time to just be a couple. I think he was tired of being tied down to family life and wanted to go do what he wanted. I have never experienced so much pain in my entire life! My children are what kept me going! I leaned on my family and friends at lot and that helped...also I prayed a lot! Now it has been 2 years since he left. I am now re-married to a wonderful man who is good to the children. It is VERY hard to get over, and some of that hurt still lingers, because I still have to see him so he can pick up and drop off the kids. I hope what I said will help. I know it seems bleek now...but it will get better! Just give it time.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through everything you are going through. No marriage is perfect. Everyone has their problems and I don't believe there is one person out there who can't in some way understand your pain and what you're going through. What I can say is that you have to stop trying to understand why he did what he did and start focusing on you and your child's life and future without him as your husband. I know it's easier said than done, but trust me it will get better. God and time heals all wounds no matter to what extent. You have to focus on your child and what's best for her and for yourself. Staying with someone that doesn't really want to be there is no good for either one of you. You owe it to yourself to be happy and know that he is the one missing out. When he finally realizes it, who knows, maybe it'll be too late or maybe not. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to decide. Hope everything works out for you. Keep your head up and a smile on your face!!

don't beat yourself up all things happen for a reason. the best advice i can give is for you to keep praying and it will all fall in place.keep your head up.

After nine year, six jobs, four states, two children and one house, my ex gave into his courowdice and selfish nature. That was Sept 10, 2003. I will never understand how anyone can be so self absorded and cruel. For the first six months I hoped he would come to his sences and come home. Next step I got so angery at the pain he caused our children and how hard being a single parent was going to be. I have worked through all the phases of greif, but can never get to true closer. For me our promise of until death just won't go away. He was and still is my one true love. Only when one of us has reached the end of our lives, will it realy be over for me.
There are millions of us that have to find a way to have a life after love. The unconditinal love of my children is what sustains me now. My determitation to be all the parent they will ever need is a powerful source of energy. Please remember God Knows you and never hesitate to reach out to the reast of us.

Hi, I understand your pain. I went through the same thing 30 years ago. As you can tell, I'm much older than you. However, I remember the pain very vividly. Yes, it is awful and very hard. I'm so sorry for the situation in which you've found yourself.
Our break up hurt me so badly, it took around 2 years to get over the shock and continue w/ our lives. However, my son was less than a year and they are formed and grow sooo quickly. If I had it to do over, I would have spent more time w/ him and looked for better ways to care for him emotionally. I made sure his physical needs were met, but had no idea how it would affect him psychologically. Bless you on your journey. The Lord is your strength. PB

J.,

Please believe me when I say that I feel for you. I have no idea what you will learn from this harsh event in your life, but you and your daughter are definitely in my prayers. My relationship with God is the only thing in my life that gives me strength for each trial.

I have, THANK GOD, never been in that kind of situation. And though you don't understand it, God does have purpose in this. We never can see the forest for the trees. I know that is in NO WAY comforting. Especially if you are praying. God will speak to you and your true comfort and joy comes from Him alone. You will be a stronger person for enduring such pain and will grow so much from this.

The things you want answers to, you may never get. And may not want if you do.

The only thing anyone can do is pray with you. I will lift you up.

My heart goes out to you and your child... just remember you are all that baby has. You have to keep on being stronger and stronger for your baby.

I am so sorry and saddened to hear of your loss and heartbreak! I hope that you will continue to see your counselor. We all need to be able to vent, grieve, etc., and so often the child is the one who just happens to be there. Try to be strong for her, but don't forget that it's alright to be human with her and cry.
Best wishes through your tough time!

Hi,
I was a single mom also. Some days you think you won't make it - but you do. You are stronger than you realize.
Your ex-husband is not acting responsibly but you won't ever change that. Men do not get involved in the children like women do and do not understand why their wives do not have time and energy to restart the love life. Often men feel very left out during a pregnancy. But these points are all academic since your ex-husband has gone through the process of divorce.
You must concentrate on making a good life for yourself and your daughter. You can not affect what your ex has done but you can affect your reaction to it and to life. Wake up every morning and plan how you are going to make your lives better that day. You can change your life if you want to enough. Keep your head up and smile. Good luck!

Bless your heart - this is a very hard time for you. My husband divorced me out of the blue after 17 years so although I cannot equate your pain and mine I do emphasize with you. He sounds like my ex who said his (separate) counselor said he wasn't the bad guy. Honey, keep on with counseling (make him pay for it thru the court). It is happening because he is selfish, very emotionally needy and unwilling to face reality. Marriages don't get put on hold because babies arrive, the paradigm shifts. I wish all couples would get counseling before having children so they are a little more prepared for that shift. But that being said, please do stay with counseling and you will eventually come to the realization that you are not a bad person but bad things happen to good people. You are young and have a lifetime to regain your self-esteem and go on with your life. Concentrate on your little one and a future where you are independent and very able to be a strong and intelligent woman. If you lack a college education, get one - he can be made to pay for it - get a good attorney who can enforce these things - you have the upper hand as he left you - he can be made to support you fully until you graduate from school. I speak from experience, as I am sure others will. Stay strong honey, you will survive and come out of the fire whole and happy. God doesn't give us anything we cannot handle and you may surprise yourself. God bless you now and in the future.

Don't try to figure out why this is happening to you.
Accept that it is what it is: 'acceptance is the answer to [your] problems today'. Acceptance will bring peace of mind. Continue to see the counselor. This will help you find the path to acceptance--including acceptance that you ARE a good and worthy woman entitled to happiness.

I really doubt that the counselor told your ex-husband not to come back because he was a 'realist'. I think your husband said this because he wanted out of the marriage--the responsibility of being a father is beyond his level of maturity. Were he a 'realist', he would have continued the counseling! Not going to counseling enables him to continue in his self-serving, narrow-minded world of denial of his responsibilities.

Consider, instead of hoping and praying 'every single day' that your ex-husband realizes he has made a mistake, praying for guidance to overcome your pain and sorrow and for the ability to forgive your ex-husband. While you now see this as a terrible catastrope in your life, the day will come when you will see this as a blessing. A door has shut behind you, but a blessing has opened in front of you if you only will look at it.

Let go and let God. He is carrying you through this--even if you don't think so.

Blessing upon you and your daughter [and your ex-husband].

M., my hart breaks for you.
It sounds trite, and it's much easier to say than to do, but please don't waste your energy wishing for him back. Your daughter needs all you have right now because you're all she has. Focus on her.
Trying to figure out why he wasn't happy and waiting for him to come back is like constantly picking the scab off a wound - it prevents healing and makes the scar worse.
Find things you like to do. Don't worry about trying to meet someone. Just get outof the house and get involved with other people so that you're not sitting home becoming more depressed.
Go back to counseling - not to find a way to get him back, but to find a way to get yourself back so that you can make a life for yourself and your daughter.
There's nothing that will make it hurt less right now - but if you work at making a life for yourself, it will get better over time.
If you need someone to talk to face to face, PM me and we'll get together.

Im sorry this happened to you , sounds as though hes jealous of this attention your giving the child, and need's to grow up himself.

1. Please go online and type www.divorcecare.org
Find a group near you. I promise, they will help you.
2. Get the book 'Love Must Be Tough' by Dr. James Dobson
Read it as soon as possible. I wish I'd had both when my husband left.

Do both as quickly as possible. I'll pray for your family.

The hardest part is in your last line, all in caps. It isn't because of your child that your husband got a divorce. It is because of him. Please let him go and learn to deal with your life as you now find it, in your changed circumstances. Are you working? Do you have a decent place to live? Are you proud of your daughter, do you do things with her, do you stimulate her learning and development? Because your marriage "got put on hold" I feel that you probably took up the Mommy role completely. Well, this is a good thing if you will allow it to be. Your daughter will not have to wonder if you love her; she will know.

The point I'm making is to concentrate on your life as it is now. Don't keep concentrating on what you admit is a false hope. Now you will learn that every time a door closes, another door will be found. Enjoy your daughter while she is totally dependant on you, for that, too, shall pass.

J.: I can imagine your pain. It is real and it's important that you know that you aren't alone. God loves you so much and is sending you a terrible painful blessing at this time that you don't understand. Please read your Bible and pray. Only God can heal your relationship. He is waiting for you to come to Him and pour out your pain and let Him comfort you. I promise it will happen. Pray that He to will show you a way to find peace and quiet happiness. Pray that He will soften your husbands heart and that if he comes back that you will know the right things to say. Please read and pray. I will pray for you. Try reading a translation in modern English. It's the only solice there is but your faith in God will bring you to depend on Him. He won't fail you. God bless you and your child.

Hello J M.,

My name is M. D. I have been marreid 25yrs. and things are not always perfect, but I love him and he needs me so I stay. I just wanted to tell you that you are not to blame for anything that is going on in your life. If he does not want to stay it is in your best interest to let him go. Just keep going to the counselor and you will learn that it is not you. Take care and I wish you the best of luck and good luck with your baby girl. She is the most important thing in your LIFE. GOOD LUCK M. D.

I know first had the pain you feel. I had the same experience. You will get through this - it's tough, but you will get through this. First off, you have to take care of yourself and your child! Before you will be able to take care of your child, you need to get your emotions in check. It will take time for you to get over your hurt feelings - but you will. You also have to understand that you can't control your ex's feelings, and he will probably never feel that he has lost anything. Those type personalities don't change, and you beating yourself up about it isn't going to change anything!
Honestly, it's a good thing that this happened when it did. My ex and I split up when my son was 6 mos old. I responded the same way as you and wasted a year of my life - and a year that I could have had enjoing my son and watching him grow and experience new things in his life. I've always felt robbed of that. After some harsh words from a therapist 6 mos after that I decided I was sick of being miserable, and I made changes in my life to make me happy! Yes, we were dealt a bad set of cards - but the only control we have is our own happiness! I put my focus on my work and my son. My ex became less and less help - and eventually, I met the man of my dreams who loves me and my son. We have the same priorities, and have done alot together. My son is now grown, in his second year of college and is doing great! Acutally I think we are better for it. He and I were actually talking about that last weekend - and he said that even with the bumps of the step father issues - he wouldn't want to change his life any!
Keep your focus on your happiness and the happiness of your child - and you will be fine! Hang in there!

I've been through what you are dealing with. Back in early November 2006 my husband, out of the blue, told me he wanted a divorce, that we should never have gotten married, etc. At the time our now 25 month old was 10 months old. I had never felt pain like that in my life. Ever. I kept asking what I had done wrong. I finally realized that it was nothing that I had done. He was just overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a husband and father. I think part of it was that most of is friends are single and have all the freedom in the world. He also has a 4 year old from a previous marriage and I have a 7 year old as well. I moved out a week later. I cried alot. Every day. Then, one day, it got a little bit better. The next was better than that day, etc. Fortunately for me, my husband realized after about 3 months that he had made a mistake. And, fortunately, it was not too late. We reconciled and have been back together since then and our relationship, while not perfect by any means, is so much stronger. I hope and pray that your ex realizes that he's made a mistake. But, if not, just take it one day at a time. Your daughter needs you. Let yourself grieve, don't expect to get over this overnight. But, believe me, you will get over it. It may not seem like it, but you will.

Hi M.,
I can feel your pain. My divorce was final last May and my children are older (10 and 13) but it was not any easier to end a 13 year marriage.
Here are some resources that really helped me:
http://www.divorcecare.org/dailyemails/
____@____.com
You can do it. It won't be easy, and it does hurt more than anything else I have ever experienced, but be tough with yourself and keep reminding yourself that you DO NOT want someone who does not want you.
There is a very special someone out there for you. Use this time to learn and grow into the person you really want to be when you meet that special someone - and don't be in too big of a hurry...
L. G

M., you must find some way in your heart to release yourself MENTALLY from this man. Sometimes women feel that they have to prove that they are good enough for these types of men and something must be wrong with the woman. But you can never prove yourself worthy of them, because they are the only person they love. They have NO consideration for who YOU are and your feeling (No Empathy).

You will always be un-happy even with this type of person. Their selfishness will eventually start to effect the children. These type of guys need help. They don't see others feelings. Everything revolves around their needs and wants. Yours don't matter to them.

Step back and think about who this guy really is. Would you want this type of guy for your daughter? If he is not good enough for her, he is not good enough for you.

You got to start loving yourself just as much as he loves himself. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Don't allow him to steal your heart like this. He is not worth your Peace of mind.

Happiness is not being with him. Its inside of YOU. Allow yourself, give yourself permission to be happy with your BEAUTIFUL child. Your contentment is VERY VERY important in her development.

They always say the first 5 years are the hardest. The question is was he feeling pressured into having a child? If he felt pressure from that, not saying your daughter is not a blessing, but he felt more responsiable and more finanicial strap. When it was just the two of you, it was easier for him, then with a child also. Look at it like that if you need to, and relize the best thing out of your marriage is the child. I agree with your statement that children change your life. Lord Knows I have two children that are now 15 and 12, and then my niece gets pregnant and guess who I am raiseing, yep since she was two weeks old, and she is now 20 months old. Talk about hardship and anger and pressure, after all, I had a hysterectomy so I couldn't have any more kids, but I am raiseing everyone elses. Long story, trust me, I have brought up alot of kids along with mine. So, in saying that, a child does put pressure on the marriage and if he wasn't really wanting children and you did, mentioning that the problems started a few years ago, it very well sounds like it to me. Honestly hun, Love your Daughter, and stay strong for her, I don't know if your husband will come back, but I can tell you, your daughter needs you, just like my nieces baby needs me, and each day, I stay strong for her, I love her, and I am mama to her, no one else is and never will be. Their is alot of help out their for single moms, and if you really get in a bind, talk to the churches if you attend any, and continue counseling, but I would find one that he doesn't attend or get counsel from. I would have never expected the counselor to give him that advice, and it may be something he made up to be able to walk away from you and the baby. Good Luck to you, Hope I helped some.