I am a writer who has sisters and friends like yours. No matter how intelligent they are, the emotional IQ never seems to reach maturity. So I am going to share a couple of excerpts from my books that you can print out and share:
Can I tell you something? You say you want better, but every time the same guy/girl comes along – whether he is wearing the same pants or shows up in different packaging-- you keep choosing him over and over. Do you want the truth? Can you handle the truth? Or do you want to keep doing what you’ve always done, expecting that the results will be different? Personally I think that when it comes to love,no matter how intelligent, men and women alike go a little bit crazy. The truth is that the moment you let the same one into your life, it becomes about YOU -- not about him/her, who they are, or what they’ve done.
Without any indication that s/he has changed -- because when someone shows you who they are you really should believe them.—you are basing your decisions on a hope that will never be realized. So you want to know if s/he has really changed? If s/he is willing to go the distance in proving that your relationship should really exist? Then do this -- as hard as it will be for YOU to not do what you’ve always done: Do nothing. Let me say it again, do nothing. Don’t be the one to drive miles to see him/her, don’t be the one to initiate the phone calls, and don’t be the one who throws away your list of standards as to how you will be treated from now on as soon as s/he throws you a bone The other important factor: hold up on the sex until you know who you are dealing with. If it isn’t the person that meets your expectations for a long-lasting relationship, then all you are doing is having sex with a stranger, not making love to someone you are in love with. Which brings up the question: are you in love with the person or the idea of who you’d like for him/her to be? That is a real and valid question. I often try to understand how a woman or a man claims love for someone who physically, psychologically or emotionally abuses him/her…but I can’t, especially when there is no remorse, no help sought, no change. Why? Because if you do what has always been expected of you, then s/he knows that you expect nothing of him/her and will fall back into the same rut you just dug yourself out of. If they get upset because you aren’t the same compliant person you’ve always been then you will begin to see that this was nothing more than a new game. If they are willing to do anything to make the relationship work, then you have a chance for the long-term. If it was an issue of character that caused the breach in the relationship, understand that character is hard to change and you will not be the one to change his/hers, no matter what you do. You can't fix it and trying to won't change whatever's happened in your past. Because that's what we really want to do. Fix a parent's abandonment, a sibling rivalry, some past unresolved pain over which we had no control. If it was a habit – drink, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, et, al – if they haven’t proactively sought outside help that will be in place for the rest of their lives –that is a clear indicator that nothing has changed and you will ultimately get the same results you've always gotten. Know what I believe? Love is just not enough to base a relationship on. An expert in the relationships, Dr. Phil, says that a good relationship is based upon two things: One, it meets the needs of the two people involved and Two, there is a solid, underlying friendship between them. And in true friendship one shows respect -- even when s/he doesn’t agree; both can speak freely about anything, and, most importantly each can TRUST the other with his/her physical and emotional life. Even the Bible speaks of the greater love in this realm.
So…it is all in your power, at the end of the day. You either set the standards for how you are treated, or expect all of the pain, all of the hurt, all of the loss you had in the past. Because, what’s changed? S/he hasn’t and, by the way, neither have you...
SQUARE ONE
Beginning again is hard and for most of us it happens more than once in our lifetime. After a divorce, break-up of a relationship, the untimely death of a partner, even moving to a new city, we have to start over. Perhaps its time to take a hard look at where we are, especially if we don’t want to end up there again. If you are at the end of a relationship or in the middle of a questionable relationship, postpone making any life changing decisions, or initiating any new relationships – at least for a few days while you take a quick read. You may still make the same decisions, but at least you will be armed with other options or more information that would increase the likelihood of success.
When we look in the mirror, we oftentimes do not see what’s really there. What we see is based upon how we view ourselves. We overlook, ignore, or emphasize our physical or mental flaws, depending upon our mental self-image. Or we what we see is based upon how someone else defines us. When we don’t know who we are, when we can’t define the person reflected in the mirror, we leave ourselves open to continually being defined by others. Constantly attempting to fulfill someone else’s perception of who we are is not only exhausting, we are soon lost as individuals. Getting to know oneself can be a painful process. So fasten your mental seat belts, it may be a bumpy ride. The good news is that if you can hang with me through this journey, we may be able to improve the quality of all the relationships we have and set the standards for how the new ones develop.
So how do I/you start the process of taking an honest, nothing-held-back look at me? I do not pretend to have all of the answers, and I am not a psychologist. I can tell you what I have come to know and hope that it will be a motivation to continue the process of self truth. Self-analysis starts with educating oneself. You and I are the primary component in our relationships. Most of us never examine how we really feel about ourselves. We relate that self truth to the negative; when we also need to see what’s right, what’s good about us, inside and out. We often ignore the voice inside of us that sends messages to our consciousness about how we feel about ourselves and the people we interact with. We fear that voice. We're afraid that if we listen to it, we might hear a truth that is unbearable. We will bury truths we do not want to face in our subconscious by any means available. Then we act out those messages that describe our pasts, our unresolved hurts, our losses, our negative self-image in one relationship after the other. We see every experience through the prism of what we expect from others or what we think we don’t deserve for ourselves.
Most of us, especially African-Americans, would benefit from talking to a therapist, but there are three reasons why most of us never will. One reason is the belief or stigma about mental and emotional health. Many believe that mental and emotional illness are synonymous terms (mean the same thing), that these are not diseases but are signs of personal weakness, and that we should be able to solve these problems -- just as we must solve all of our other problems -- or keep them hidden from public view. Some even believe that emotional or mental illness is a sign of a lack of faith in God. Our men speak of staying strong; our women resign themselves to having to struggle through life and bear the pain. And then there is the cost of receiving counseling. If it’s not covered by our health policies, and we do not have the ability to bear the expense then we suffer in silence, paralyzed by the pain. The third and most common reason is that we think that the cure will be more painful than the problem.
Here's an example: Lee has always felt emotionally abandoned since her father left their home when she was a small child. She loved him so, even at age three. When he left, he did little to maintain a real relationship with Lee; in fact he married again and had more children. She never told anyone how she really felt, how much pain and anger she held onto, even into her late twenties and after he died. She wanted to be truly loved, yet she continued to choose relationships with men – each in his own way mirroring her father -- that were either passive aggressive, physically or emotionally abusive, controlling or unavailable, each one increasing her personal pain and anger. And even after discovering who he was, she stayed too long every time, trying to “fix it”, proving that she wouldn’t abandon him the way she had been abandoned, that she really could make her father love her after all...
Look at personal pain and anger. How many of us have a fragile shell surrounding the emotional results of negative relationships? The relationships we have or are in today, actually began in our childhood. How we relate to each other as adults is directly impacted by the relationships we grew up with or without. Have you ever taken a good look at your relationships, or lack thereof, with your family members and seen the similarities between those relationships and your current personal, even business relationships? Our view of love comes from how we grew up experiencing it. If we have never seen it, we don't really know what it is. If we equate love with pain, that is what we expect to receive.
I have come to the conclusion that all of us have some degree of "dysfunctionality" in our lives. This comes from just being human; humans make mistakes; humans are not perfect. Unfortunately, we often become what we do not resolve. We tend to act out or repeat those relationship issues we cannot or will not resolve from our childhood. For example, if we were abandoned as children, emotionally, physically or as a result of death, we tend to abandon others or initiate a breakup, attempting to avoid the pain of the other abandoning us first. Or, we stay too long in bad relationships in an attempt to prove that we won't cause that kind of pain to someone else that has been shown us; we confuse loyalty with love. Ike and Tina Turner are prime examples of this kind of destructive relationship. Or we are determined to win this time. Or we believe that we can “fix it” this time.
A good friend shared this Haitian proverb with me: "Dis moi qui tu frequentes je te dirai que tu es." Meaning: "Who I see you with tells me who you are."' I discussed this proverb with a circle of friends and discovered that they had diverse thoughts about the validity of this statement. Some did not want to be defined by the company they kept, others believed that one should not judge a book by its cover and instead, take the time to really know a person on an individual basis. Conversely, another could point to a real-life example of someone who evolved negatively and accepted the same value system as the person with whom he chose to spend his time. He changed from being open and giving to being manipulative and less than truthful -- not at all dissimilar to the woman he chose to be in a relationship with. This person ultimately lost one of his closest friends in the process.
This is not unusual in our communities. Normally nice kids can become gangbangers overnight just to achieve a sense of belonging. Nice girls will agree to shoplift a pair of socks they can afford to buy, just because their peers dare them to and think that it's cool to try. In the end, we must judge ourselves by our intentions and judge (not condemn) others by their actions. People will ultimately show us who they really are. Where we get into trouble in any relationship is when we choose not to believe them. If our intentions are to develop relationships with others, without allowing the who that they are to define us, then the above saying does not apply. We take both the precautions and responsibility to insure that we do not allow them to lead us into a circumstance in which we are victimized. We choose not to become lost in someone else’s definition of who we should be. If we are driven by our intentions, we learn that aloneness can be temporary and is still the better option to toxic, negative, addictive and/or destructive relationships...
SAY WHEN
Makin’ me crazy.
All this talk of love
Love, love, love.
Gimme some of yo’…
While you let him
One more time
Get away with
Beating you senseless
With his verbal fists.
So many scars
That he has you scared
Of finding out what true
Happiness feels like.
But I love her…
As she maxes your credit cards
and drains your
emotional accounts
before she departs for
wherever… again…to visit
that “friend” who calls
after midnight.
Who told you what love was anyway?
Did you get it out of a magazine
or off a video scene?
Why the hell do you stay
in a place where you
are not wanted
just needed
And not for love
Just for the money
and the power
to control.
It’s getting’ old.
I must be crazy
to think that
real love has nothing
to do with all of the above
and
You are not the loser
If you just leave.
