SIL In Bad Relationship.

Yep, I have been there too. At least my loser waited to show his true colors after six months of being great. What really got through to me was my best friend looking me right in the face and saying, "I dont like the person you've become." It was a real eye opener. I wish I could give you the magic words that will make her see the light, but they don't exist. Maybe you can tell her from me. I knew that I was done when I would get sick to my stomach every time I was getting ready to see him. I actually dreaded it. If she feels that way, ask her why she would want to continue it? What I really want to do is find the SOB and have him get up close and personal with my baseball bat.

You're very sweet for trying to help her. I just googled abusive relationship signs and this is the first website that came up: http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

I was in an abusive relationship for a very short period of time in HS. I learned a lot about myself and I'm already talking to my 12 year old about what to look for and some of the signs that someone isn't a person you should be with. My problem was that my self esteem was very low and my parents were emotionally absent from my life. IF I would have told them about this boyfriend's behavior, I doubt they would have helped me in any way.

Keep talking to your SIL and MAKE HER UNDERSTAND that someone who tells you they love you and then does things that are controlling or abusive - DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Help her to understand that a real man doesn't try to control you. Maybe have her read some posts of some women on here who have been in similar situations. Remind her that having sex with someone because THEY want you to is wrong and that there is a real possibility that she could get pregnant and be tied to this man for the rest of her life.

Please consider finding a Codependence Anonymous Meeting (CODA) in your area and going with her. It is a 12 Step Program for people who are or were in Codependent in relationships. This may be really helpful to both of you to find the inner strength to deal with her situation and your lingering issues. An important lesson is to know you CANNOT change him you have to change you, and when you change he might change (appropriately) or the person who is controlling will grow and see that they really do deserve better and eventually have the strength to ensure a better, respectful and respected life for themselves.

http://www.coda.org/

Please go to CODA with her, give both of you the gift of finding others who have been where each of you are and gotten the strength to live their best life. This is a life gift, you've been there, you care, and you love her. Don't stop being there for her.

You will be in my thoughts.

Hi,
She is lucky to have you. One of the things you can do is show her these answers at some point when you are together and he is not around. Something in one of these answers might resonate with her and give her the strength to move forward. Deep down she knows what he is doing is wrong.His aggressive behavior will escalate. This is only the begining. The longer she stays, the more he will brainwash her into believing that what he says about her is true. When you talk to her, don't talk about him, talk about your past experiences and how they affected and still affect you today. If you can, draw parallels between your experience and hers. If she can see herself in your experience, it might help. You may say something that she relates to.

Maybe try another tactic, instead of sharing your bad experiences -- which I'm sure she can turn in her mind and argue against specifics and say "well that's not us because..."

instead try to emphasize what love and relationship SHOULD be like. There is some song I hear on the radio occasionally that makes me think I'd share it with my kids when they are old enough "it ain't love if it feels this bad..."
Real love is supportive, gives you room to have friends, isn't jealous, trusts and believes in you, makes you feel good about yourself and happy, even during rough patches... then she can make the comparison herself and realize that this "love" is costing her too much.

Good luck, you are a good friend/SIL!!

i agree with your feelings and everything u have done.. the way she is acting does not surprise me at all .. if its her first serious relationship its going to be the hardest one to end even if he is a jerk .. the only thing u can do is be there for her and make sure she knows that no matter what your there to help her.. i know with my first serious relationship i had pushed away so many friends so it took me a lot longer to finally completely end it because i didnt want to be completely alone.. it wasnt til i realized i still had people there for me that i got out .. id do exactly what ur doing now.. let her know how u feel let her know its not right dont sugar coat anything.. just dont push her to do anything .. shes an adult its her decision.. shes young .. eventually shell get it .. hopefully sooner than later though

Check out the book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Ask her if she recognizes the patterns in the book and the signs of someone capable of change and someone who isn't capable of change. That could at least give her some insight.

Lots of great advice.

One other thought--since she is into church, how about suggesting she talk with her minister or priest about her situation? She may believe that it's the Christian thing to do to keep forgiving her boyfriend, and her spiritual adviser may be able to reach her and reassure her that allowing herself to be abused is harmful to any relationship (including her relationship with God).

This is just heartbreaking!

I think others have suggested some good things. I would also second counselling option for her. Also, I'm really touched by your love and concern for your SIL. Your SIL is lucky to have you in her life. All The Best.

You are right to be concerned. I was 17 when my abusive boyfriend raped me. The worst part for me was that I totally believed him when he told me that nobody else would have me and my only choice was him or being alone my whole life. He took away the only thing I valued about myself ... my virginity. After that I was just numb. Deep down I suppose I did know he wasn't good for me, because I refused to get engaged to him, but the more people told me he was no good, the more I insisted that we loved each other! In hindsight I realize that I loved his parents (who had no idea what their son was really like when they weren't around). His parents treated me as if I was their daughter and I craved that. I honestly think that part of the reason that I stayed with him for nearly 2 years was that I so much wanted to be part of a "normal" family.

More than anything your SIL needs to KNOW that she's beautiful, sweet, loving etc. Do everything in your power to help her rebuild the self-esteem that the @%$T%&%!!! is systematically destroying. Don't let him isolate her - find ways to get her away from him as often as possible for "girl's night" or whatever. DON'T keep telling her he's bad news - she can't admit it yet because she's still under his thumb. She is lucky to have you in her life. I didn't have anyone. I was saved by the man who is now my husband. All he did was to let me know that he liked me! He showed me that (in his eyes at least) I wasn't just "damaged goods". That was all I needed to start moving forward. It wasn't all plain sailing - once I was "safe" I sunk into a terrible depression which I needed meds & counselling to get over.

I just want you to know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Your SIL needs to start believing in her own worth again. I've been there and, thank God, I got out! I'm now a 43 yr old mom of 2 fab. teens and have been happily married to my "knight" for 21 years!

I wish that I could just "rub out" that ^%$#$@!! Unfortunately all that is in my power is to pray that she gets delivered from this, as I was. May God Bless You for what you are doing! Please let us know when she gets free.

I hate to say it because I know it pains you but...

...she'd 19. Let her make her own mistakes. Catch her when she falls.

It's never, ever okay to be treated like that. Ever.

Well she is being abused.
The guy is a monster.
She does not get it and is stuck in a vicious cycle.
Only she can realize that