Sick Relatives

It sounds like your mom's health issues have made her bitter, and she's taking it out on you. It's not fair, but none of us can walk in her shoes either to understand how she's felt about the past 30 years, so I don't want to pass judgment other than she's not treating you well and empathizing with your personal responsibilities with your own family.

ALS - that's a tough disease, and I'm sure it's really hard to watch your sister go through that.

I do understand how you feel about feeling selfish. I had a hard time coping with having a "good" cancer diagnosis when other people I knew were diagnosed with terminal cancers, poor prognoses, etc. I struggled as a survivor and had to seek therapy when I began to hear of other people's relapses and passings.

Instincts will be your strongest asset right now. It's OK to cope the way that best helps you get through it. People will want to help. Don't be afraid to tell them what you need 0 sometimes people step-up with kind gestures that are poorly timed, not needed, and we have a hard time saying, "What I really need right now is........".

Make sure to take care of yourself during this time. It will hit you like a ton of bricks when both finally pass. I hope you have a good support network and husband to help you grieve and gain closure.

Best wishes.

Hi L.,

I was sandwiched between young children and two parents. I was going to their house everyday and making sure they got their meds right and I fed them and made sure no one drove off, lol. My husband was beginning to wonder if we were married. He suggested that they move in with us. That was a blessing.

Before you freak out, it was easier than going to their place. I was in total control. It was my house and they were at my mercy. They had both been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my mom had been sick for as long as I had been alive......WHAT I FOUND OUT was that it was all her meds contraindicating with each other. The doctor had her on meds for conditions she didn't have. He'd try something for a symptom. The symptom wouldn't go away and he didn't remove the med, he'd just try something else.

I spoke with an ND and we took her off everything cold turkey (except for one pill that she needed to be weaned off of.) Blood purifies itself every 90 or so days so we did blood work at that interval. Her mind was back AND there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. I put her on a good absorbable multivitamin and she lived out her days healthy, happy and congenial.....She was even able to help me with my Dad. We were able to slow down the deterioration but Alzheimer's is a disease from years of damage. I believe the aluminum in the flu shots in combination with the head injury in WWII was what exacerbated any issue.

My point is that when I took control, it was easier. Whether you take them in or not, if you're the caregiver you have to be in control or you'll lose your mind. Your kids can be included in this. The elderly thrive with little ones around! I got to that selfish point too and I even had people encouraging me that it was okay. It's really not, especially if you have any self respect which I can see you do from the way you wrote this. Don't feel guilty for feeling like this, but push through it. When Mom is gone you'll know you did your best and your little ones will know the caliber of their Mommy!

One day at a time, L., one day at a time!

God bless,

M.

It sounds like your mom may be worried that once she is in assisted living then you will visit even less since she is being cared for. Elderly people worry about isolation and being forgotten by their loved ones, even if their care is such a burden on their family. I'm not sure how to convince her but maybe she could just hire a visiting nurse for help with the medical issues that way she doesn't have to move. And reassure her that you will still visit and spend time with her as much as humanly possible. Bring your kids with you, grandkids can bring a lot of fun and brightness to the picture. She is still an adult and able to make her own decisions so you can't really force her to do anything, and you have to respect that.

Sometimes it seems like you want to throw in the towel and say, enough, what about me? But you have family duties to take care of your parents, and when they are gone you know you did everything you could. You may feel guilty now, but you don't want guilt after she's gone about what you could have done differently. Hang in there and stay strong.

Yes, there are so many of us who deal with this. There are seriously ill people, and there are people who revel in their pain and misery.

Your children are entitled to a healthy and happy mother, and I'm sorry to say, if that means you have to distance yourself from people whom you cannot help, then that's your job. You grew up with a sick and distracted mother, and you want more than that for your own kids.

Someone famous said "No one can make you feel guilty without your permission." So you don't have to accept the "gift" of guilt your mother keeps trying to hand you. If she won't move, she'll need to get in-home care. Call her doctor if you have to, or elder services to get some advice. They deal with this all the time and can be very supportive as well as great resources. It's also possible that your mother is, in her own weird way, trying to save her cash to make it part of your inheritance. It's coming off totally negatively, for sure, but maybe there's a glimmer of concern for you in her thinking.

Know that, whatever happens, you have been there for her for many years, and you still are. But you don't have to go to every fight you're invited to, and there's a point at which your mother is responsible for her health and her situation.

Give your kids the kind of mom you wish you'd had. And rejoice in it!

no advice, i've always wondered what it takes to actually get people into assisted living or get a visiting nurse when they refuse.

enjoy your life, and make sure you make smart choices to stay healthy, so you can continue to help out somewhat. and remember too some people need attention more than they need actual help.

Is your mom in a nursing home? If not, she may be taken better care if you put her in there. That way, her needs are met and you can come and go when you need to and not have to worry about all the other little things that need taking care of.

Good luck.

Do what you can, when you can because they won't be around much longer. Can anyone watch the kids on one day when you can stop by and help out. I know it's a lot of extra, but you don't want to resent them or regret holding back after it's too late. Good luck, sorry you have such a big plate right now.