Sick of All the Harassment

Updated on May 07, 2012
A.F. asks from APO, AP
17 answers

Ok my husband is in the army and we have been stationed here in Korea for almost 2 years. We are leaving in August but ever since the incident with my oldest son's elbow in January we have been harassed for various reasons. for those of you who don't know the whole story I'll back tell you. In January my oldest son's elbow was accidently pulled out of place when my husband picked him up the wrists. (we had no idae you were supposed to do this) One of my husband's NCO's (higher ups) saw this and went straight to social services which opened a two month long investigation under my husband. He was found not guilty and the case was closed. Then about a month later my husband was then accused of cheating on me with a single solider whom I am also friends with and always hang out with her. We all know this isn't true but the rumors started and everyone believed them. No one could keep their nose out of our private life. Then we found out that our friend was pregnant, she named the father but no one wanted to hear us out and still pushed my husband asking him if he'd be paying child support or if he would leave me for her. Its getting rediculous. My husband was then ordered to have no contact with her for no reason at all and has been threatened on numorous occations that if he even looks at her he will get in trouble. It's so bad that I can't even leave my house without someone calling my husband asking what he's doing. I'm at my breaking point. But the last straw came when I found out that the social services got another call saying I was neglecting my kids, saying my house was a pig sty which it wasn't. Granted it wasn't as clean as someone without kids and that's to be expected. My husband's higher ups showed up at our door step unannounced and checked out house and said it wasn't to their standards and that we had two hours to make it completly spotless. We made it spotless but now I am having to walk with my cane seeing as I have major hip and back issues and cleaning hard core like that threw them out. Oh don't let me forget that my oldest son has chronic rashes even though we changed him almost every 2 hours, let him run around naked and give him lots of baths. Apparently that is now concidered child neglect. NO amount of medication works and the drs don't understand this. The only time we can get his rashes under control is to let him run around naked for a bit. I need your advice mama's I am at my breaking point and I fear that if this keeps up or something else bad happens I am going to snap and do something I regret.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers



answers from Oklahoma City on

Come home early. It sounds like this situation is only going to get harder. I think if you can just arrange to come home and stay with friends or family for the short time until he comes home it would make his life easier for both of you.

4 moms found this helpful

More Answers



answers from Washington DC on

Connect the dots. The pregnant "friend" is probably the person who is reporting you to social services and she also probably has connections to the officers who are harassing your husband.

Why doesn't your husband demand a paternity test if this baby is not his? Once the baby is born (it's not clear from your post if the child has been born yet), he should insist on an immediate paternity test to prove the child is not his. (I'd be sure it is NOT a base doctor who does it!) If he is reluctant to do the test, well, you need to consider what that means for you and your marriage.

As others said -- it sounds like maybe you and your kids need to leave this posting so that you stop seeing officers and social services at your door. If your husband handles your absence well and gets the paternity test and all is fine, it's great. If he does not even try for test, you will then need to reconsider where things stand.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Make your husband take a paternity test immediately.

However, make sure you are mentally prepared for it - its very likely he is the father of this child - and then you'll have other issues to contend with.

Otherwise - good wishes to you - keep your chin up, your nose to the ground and IGNORE all the bs around you.

Good lu ck.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

You have a lot on your plate.

1. Stop giving the baby frequent baths. That will dry out the skin. Change your detergent. I developed a problem with soaps and fabric softeners. It made me itchy to to point that I had to take a bath to get the stuff off me. I use stuff for "sensative skin". Tide and Downy fragrant free. With a little one, I would try Deft. That stuff was wonderful. Use fragrant free diapers and baby wipes. Use Boudreaux's Butt Cream. Its thicker than Destin.

2. Get this single soldier out of your lives. Both of you. This is not a good situation. She is part of the problem. I suspect something did happen between the two of them. If she has had the baby, get a paternity test.

3. I understand having back issues. I've had two surgeries and there is no way I could bend over a tub or floor and scrub. That being said, your husband needs to pick up the slack in your home. If not, you need to find someone who can do the deep cleaning once a month and then you keep up the surface cleaning.

You and your family are on the Army radar. You need to not be the victim and become proactive. Talk to the Chaplin there on base. Have a frank discussion with your husband. I think there is more to the story but I sure hope not!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

re: your son's rash. Have you considered mold or peanut...or other foods as the cause of this? My son would break out in rash (head-to-toe) if in a moldy environment. He also is allergic to peanut.....& he'd break out upon ingestion/inhalation.

nakedness vs. healing the rash: what laundry detergent do you use? & I hope he has on a diaper/underwear. Seeing a naked kid bothers a lot of people. :)

If the house was dirty enough to warrant hardcore cleaning, then perhaps there was an issue. Now that the worst of it is over, perhaps this will not come up again.

I know you're feeling like a victim. I would, too. But there have been issues & now you're under a microscope. The only way to pull out of this is to be on your best behavior, contact the local chaplain as others mentioned, & seek some proactive parenting skills & marriage counseling to help pull you thru this. Good Luck!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

this has got to be tough.

Please stop giving your son frequent baths. It is drying out his skin.

Military life isn't easy. Go to the base chaplain and talk to him.

Stay away from the girl who is "supposedly" your friend. She is not.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

And this is exactly why I'll NEVER live on base again. Did it once and it was THE worst experience ever.

Definitely talk to the chaplain as someone else suggested. At the very least they can help you get through all of this until you move. They might also have some way to help take the heat off your hubs.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I suspect there's more to this story.

Get a paternity test.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Shreveport on

Have you gone to the base chaplain? The reason I ask is maybe trying to get more people on your side will help. The base chaplain might be a good place to start. You can also see him/her for couples counseling. I know that sounds strange and I'm not saying you need it but this way the chaplain can have more to vouch for you guys with. I would also start a diet elimination process with your son to see if maybe it is food allergies that are causing the rashes,maybe change the type of diapers/pull ups you are using or laundry soap. I know odds are you have tried the soap and diaper switch but still suggesting it. Start keeping a log of everything that is going on. This includes a log of what your son is eating every day and the issues with work for your husband.
If you can see if you can get your son to see an allergist and get him tested properly. I know that might be hard considering where you are currently stationed. But worth checking into.
I would also look into maybe seeing if you and the kids can return to the states ahead of your husband. I don't suggest this lightly because odds are it will leave your husband open to more issues because you aren't there. They may see you leaving early as truth to the rumors floating around. So think long and hard on that. I would maybe consider ways to make it hard for rumor starters to continue their trash. Such as your husband talk to you on the phone the whole way to work on his way into work and the whole way home on his way home. This way you have a phone log on that. Also anytime he isn't at work you two are together. I know it sounds like a lot of work but the less chances these trash talkers have the better. I also don't think you guys should have to do that but people that want to start trouble will find anything to occupy their little minds.
The best you can do is just try to stay focused on your family and the count down to leaving that base. I know it is hard but it is doable.
Another thought I had is see if you can get some character witnesses....people who will attest to the relationship you and your husband have. That you are both good parents and good people. Sounds odd but the more people in your corner the better it looks.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Take a deep breath! We are also military, so I understand how bad the gossip/drama can be...especially in a remote location (we spent 3 years in Germany). I remember your post a while ago about your son being in the hospital and your husband's female friend spending the night to help with your other son. In my opinion that was inappropriate. Some things that are okay in civilian life are not okay in military life--sleep overs with married soldiers is one of them. But, it's done and you've learned a lesson. Is there any chance the other woman's child could belong to your husband? Maybe a paternity test would end the speculation.

Unfortunately, once you're on the radar of your husband's chain of command, it's hard to get off--same goes with social services. Some of the other moms gave some good advice about bathing, etc.

Is there any way you can request to return to the states early? Hardship? Once you do move back, you should consider living off post. We currently live off post and love it. I enjoy our military life, but I like having space.

Best of luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

What diapers are you using? Have you tried cloth and using cloth wipes? My DD was very sensitive and for a long time we could only use the detergents that were either for infants or the ones that didn't have fragrances. You might also look for an eco-friendly detergent. I used A&D with aloe liberally. When she had a really bad rash, I bathed her (not every day) in an oatmeal soak. Our pediatrician said to mix neosporin, generic lotramin (not the plus stuff) and a diaper cream as it would knock out the 3 main causes. I also vote for allergy testing. My DD is allergic to apples and when she ate them, she would break out on both ends. The rashes may be related to food.

You need to document, document, document the issues with the children. I would keep my nose to myself and encourage my DH to do so as well. Do nothing that would endanger your custody of your children. THEY are your primary goal. You only have 3 months.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I'm sorry, but why is your husband not DEMANDING a paternity test? People who didn't do what they are accused of, will generally do what they can to prove that. I really just can't get past that part. He could make part of this right, by proving he's not the father. So...why isn't he? You should ask yourself that.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Follow what your doc says about your child's skin condition.
Cooperate with social service.
If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to be worried about!
Good luck!!!!

Wow...reading the responses....I'm so confused.
What are the odds of two members having the exact same response--verbatim, then's switched/edited? Hmmmmmmmm...INTERESTING!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Please don't snap and do anything you'll regret, just try to calm down and take it one step at a time.
I read your other posts, is this the same woman who came onto your husband that you say you're friends with? Can he be transferred elsewhere or something?
If it were my husband after that whole other issue with the woman spending the night and her wanting him I'd wanna make damn sure he wasn't the one that got her pregnant. I mean why was he ordered to have no contact with her? That sounds fishy.
Also who would call social services and say those things about you?? I hope things get better and you're able to get through this, but I'd also wanna do some investigating of my own if I were you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

I knew someone who's husband was military and I believe getting deployed or maybe getting stationed somewhere far. So she left him with the kids and told her friends, who were military wives, that she just wasn't happy anymore. After a week of staying with military friends she went to stay with friends off base. During all the commotion he reported to his commanding officer that he was having hardships due to the fact that he now had 2 children at home that needed his FT attention and has been unsuccessful in finding someone who was not only affordable but willing and able to watch his children during the time he needed. After weeks of going through this the military ended up giving him an honorable discharge and I believe paying his way back home for him, his children, and all their belongings. Last I spoke to her, they had conveniently reconciled their differences and were starting new back home. I'm not saying what they did was right, and I'm not saying it was wrong, but maybe it was just something they needed.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You're kind of wishy-washy.

First yous said that "We all know (it isn't true)....but everyone believed it." So which is it, everyone knows it's not true or everyone believed it.

As with the elbow thing, I have to say that the witness must have believed that your husband pulled your son up by the wrists out of anger, and not having fun or by accident. Otherwise, he/she probably would not have reported it. So I think it probably needed to be reported.

Your house was not up to military standards. You are a military family. You don't live in your own home, you live in government housing and you have to maintain the property to their standards.

There has to be SOME reason for the rashes. If you get a rash medicine and use it for a day or two with no improvement, do you call back and advise the doctor? If not, they may be assuming that what they're giving you is working. From now on, just call back and say hey, thanks, its working or hey, need something different, not seeing any improvement. That call should be noted in the child's chart and you have documentation.

There really isn't anything anyone can advise you to do. You are military - your hubby belongs to them and you, also by extension.

Finally, your hubby was ordered to have no contact with the woman because of all of these rumors, not for no reason at all. This is apparently causing quite a stir at your base and they are just trying to get everything to calm down. It would only make matters worse for your hubby to continue to be seen with this woman.

P.S. I'd be asking for a DNA test, but that's me.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

I had to make my own baby wipes as the store bought ones would break my son's very sensitive hiney out in horrible rashes. My son had the most sensitive butt known to man...from healthy pink to bloody rash in one diaper and that was with me being super diligent about changing him the second he went number two.

Here are some things that helped...we went to baths only every three days or so (sponge baths as needed in between), Dr. Smiths diaper cream (you can probably find it online), as I said above I made my own diaper wipes (if you want the recipe PM me and I will look it up for you), and we had naked time too...we also went to unscented/dye-free products in our whole house, laundry detergent, soaps, etc...

That is the issue I felt I could help you with...hope it helps...

1 mom found this helpful
For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions