Sibling Rivalry - Carbondale, IL

You can't leave the room to tune them out because if they don't have the tools to deal with their disagreement, it won't GET resolved. You need to help them and give them the tools of fair play and disagreement and conflict management. In the end, if they can't resolve it then you can make a solomonic decision and punish both of them or choose a side...either way, running from them teaches them that conflict is best run from, not dealt with.

I definately think that you have to set the boundaries for fair fighting and that should include ABSOLUTELY no physical contact. You do not want your son thinking it's ok to resolve conflicts by hitting women, and you do not want your daughter thinking it's ok to hit men, because some will hit back. THAT particular part of their bickering really has to stop immediately.

That being said. My brother (who was 3 years older) and I bickered incessantly, it was a sport. It drove my poor mother nuts. One day she said(rather forcefully) "YOU TWO STOP FIGHTING!!!!"

We stopped bickering and looked at her like she'd grown three heads. "We aren't fighting" , we insisted. "Then what are you doing?" We just looked at her and shrugged.
I guess we were communicating, LOL. I don't remember my brother ever hitting me. EVER. My parents didn't allow it.
But I had friends who physically fought with their siblings and I thought they were crazy.

I think you just need to set the limits.

You stand up and be a real mom instead of hiding from your childrens bad behavior. Do you really think that it will get better or just go away like that?
You are the parent and should have put a stop to this a long time ago when it first started. Are you afraid of them? Let them know in no uncertain terms that this kind of behavior is not going to be tolerated and that there are consequences for these actions. Make those consequences strong and STICK TO THEM!!! If you don't, it will only get worse, someone will get hurt and your house will not be the safe haven it is supposed to be..........it sounds as though it is already turning into a place where no one wants to be. Your children need dicipline and need to respect your authority. They will probably try to override you, especially since it sounds like you are not being a strong role in their young lives now, but you do need to be. You are the parent, not them. You make the rules, not them. TAKE CHARGE AND DON'T BACK DOWN OR GIVE IN!!!

I understand that siblings can be difficult on one another and as a parent it can be hard to know what to do. But you are the parent and they should be able to depend on you. by going into the other room you are leaving them to deal with issues on their own. In a way you are telling them they are on their own in dealing with each other. There are two sides to every issue, they can include, right or wrong, homones, jealousy, and any other issue you would like to throw in their. You have to be the advocate for each, and when things get rough you have to get tough. It is your home and if peace is what you need then you need to demand peace. Why are you the one going to your room, send them each to their room until they can come back and act peacably. It may be that one is in the right and one in the wrong as an advocate you may be able to help. On the other hand if it is just a bad day all around, peace can come through seperation, theirs not yours.

Check out the book "Parenting With Love and Logic : Teaching Children Responsibility" by Foster W. Cline, Jim Fay.

Don't deal with anything unless it does get physical. Then, you punish them both. There are no sides here. They have disrupted the family - period. At some point when they are not fighting, sit them done and tell them that they can fight between themselves all they want, they need to figure out how to deal with each other. However, if they disrupt the house, yelling too loud, getting physical, they will both be punished equally. You will not listen to their sides because what you are punishing is the disruption not the agruement. Lay out the punishment and stick to it. Keep at it for as long as it takes. Good luck.

I understand your pain...I have a 13 yr old son and 11 yr old daughter. Like your kids, they love each other, and occasionally hold hand in public! But at the drop of a hat, they can turn on each other for the silliest reasons. My daughter can say something mean to him that makes him mad, then he says something back and it escalates from there. Usually they will stop after a verbal warning or 2! They have hit each other on occasion and that's when I draw the line. I will send them both to their rooms and make them stay there. Neither one of them have tv or anything to do in their rooms, but read and sleep, so after some time in their room they are ready to keep the peace. I understand your frustration and you want to run and hide, believe me, I had my 3 kids home all summer and some days were worse than others. But, lay down some strict ground rules W/consequences. Both my kids know I mean business and we have to keep reminding them who the boss is, US PARENTS! Tweens and teens like to think they are too cool for rules and think they know everything. I give my kids a reality check when they need it. They also know I love them dearly and only want the best for them. They also know as brother and sister there must be respect each other even though they need to be reminded regularly. I'm sure you are a great mom and love your kids! I think you should have a family meeting, lay down the rules and consequences and stick to them. The sooner you do this the better for your family.
Take care,
V.

I feel for you. I have two teens a bit older and they are very similar in that they love to banter. One rule we have is that this is Home- a refuge from the outside world where we can come and feel safe and loved. What the kids are doing is voiding that purpose by attacking each other. They need to learn verbal communication skills and conflict resolution skills so I let them banter, only as long as it is in fun and not derogatory(no name calling, slander...) Another rule is that it is never right for my son to hit a girl no matter who but to show gentleness and respect. I also ban my daughter from slapping him. They learn this early on and must be coached to practice that. Your daughter and son need to feel protected and safe for home to be home. By avoiding the issues, you are setting them up for this to escalate until someone really gets hurt. Establish ground rules, limits with consequences ( I choose to have them do the others dishes or some chore for the other when they have violated our rules)then follow through. You have many years to go with teens and it can be a wonderful ride when there are boundaries with respect and joy in the house. Be sure to laugh and play together. God Bless.

My brother and I used to fight constantly while we were in the house. Outside the house, we were best friends. We even hung out with all the same people. Our biggest grips with eachother we the things that we wanted to do that could only be done by one person at a time. For instance, I was on the phone and he wanted to be on the computer and couldn't be if I was on the phone (back in the modem days). Pay attention to what they are bickering about and see if you can find some solutions to the problems. Teenagers are going to argue about things but some arguements are preventable. Having said that, you should NEVER let it get physical. Once it reaches that point, they are both beyond control and that is not acceptable. I only remember my brothers ever actually fighting once and I think that was about the maddest I ever saw my Dad. Physical fighting was a big no no in our house and today we are all still really close despite all the arguing at that age.