"Shut Up!"

Hi,
My daughter started doing the samething, we finally told her that saying shut up was a bad word. She stopped and if someone else said it around her she told them it was a bad word so they knew not to say that around her. Good Luck to you.

She could have heard it so many places, and as long as you said what you said, the other M. knows you don't approve. Hey, we all want to have perfect children but life happends and the way you handled it was very good. Your instinct not to make too much of it was good. Now, it will be your turn when another child does something shocking not to judge the other parents right away but to give them the benefit of the doubt (until it becomes very clear what you are dealing with).

My son is 3 yrs old and he too comes up with some statements!! He will say shut up or dammit (I think he hears me say "Shut up" while talking to my girlfriends as a form of expression similar to "no way"!) He has only said these words a few times (that I know of) and he is otherwise extremely well-behaved and well-adjusted. Who knows where they hear these things, commercials, other adults at the grocery store, could be anywhere. Little ones that are bright, like your daughter and my son, tend to pick up on things, even bad things, very quickly.

You did just fine in the way you handled the situation in my opinion. You made it very clear to your daughter that her behavior was not acceptable, and you also let the other moms present know that you are an "active" mom in handling misbehavior. I do not think you should have left the park. I think you handled it very well. Don't beat yourself up over what you could have or should have done, there will be plenty more "outbursts" from your daughter in the future unfortunately! Especially when she is a teen! I am not looking forward to that! Take care.

I would have reacted the same way. Words are powerful and it is really good to be on top of your kids language!So know that you are doing the right thing. My kids are 8 and 11 now. I would take part in the preschool if you don't already to see how the teacher responds to them. But most likely she might be hearing it from another child's word choices or TV. I have been monitoring my kids TV time and shows since they were little. You have to even be careful of cartoons now a days! Disney channel and channel 11 are the safest all around. Cartoon network, if you get that has a # of great old cartoons but a # of ones you would not want your kids to watch. I'm sure you have already done this, but just give her better choice words to say if she wants someone to be quiet or if they are bothering her to move away.

if she is not saying it all the time, don't make a big deal of it. if u make a production out of this one incident, she will realize what kind of reaction those words have, and use them accordingly. words only have power when u give them power. and, don't embarass her when she doesn't really understand the gravity of her words, or she might have difficulty in expressing herself in the future. making her apologize to the other child was appropriate. i don't think it was necessary to make her apologize to the mother too. she had nothing to do with the incident. kids have to learn to deal with interpersonal situations without parent involvement sooner or later.
face it... the language is different today. she probably heard "shut up" from friends, other parents, or even the television.
when my son started using those kinds of phrases, i talked to him about how it made the other person feel, and, even used it a couple of times on him to show him how it feels to hear that. he cried, but he learned how to be more empathetic to others because of it. we live in a society that has lost a lot of courtesy and empathy. it is up to us to teach our kids before manners disappear all together.

You handled the situation very well. You were right on the moment - I've seen parents ignore their children's bad behavior in situations like that and you feel worse about the parent! Just make sure you're reinforcing the good behavior too. ("Wow, great job sharing! You were a nice friend today!") She is going to imitate what she hears, especially if she is in preschool. Just when you think you are doing a great parenting job, your children will humble you. Great job!

Yes, it's possible that she heard it at preschool. She's going to hear and bring home many more words that aren't appropriate, this is just the beginning. My now 4 year old granddaughter came home last summer singing some I guess hip hop song called I Don't Like Your Girlfriend, which sounded very obnoxious, and more recently, though we don't say the word "lie" in my house (we talk about honesty and dishonesty, or "telling stories"), she came home and told me that her 2 year old sister lied about something. So, they do and will continue to pick up some of this stuff at preschool.

More importantly than where she heard it is how you react and respond to her use of the word. I think you did the right thing by the way you handled it, just to let her know that it's not appropriate, and that your family doesn't speak that way.

Also, I don't think there's any reason to be mortified in front of the other parents, because take my word, their kids have done and said inappropriate things, too.

Just be consistent with her when these things happen. She will slip now and then, but she will learn what is okay and what's not.

ok, so this may not be your issue, but when I encountered the same issue I realized that although we would never say "shut-up" in our home to someone, technically I was the problem! My son had overheard me on the phone with my girlfriends using it as an expression of disbelief!

You did great. The best thing you did was address the issue on the spot with your daughter. Another important thing you did was apologize to the mother. I was appauled once by a mother who ignored her son's rude behavior (he stuck his tongue out at me). As long as everyone involved knows you do not accept this behavior, you are doing well. If you keep harping on it with your daughter, she may begin to dwell on the bad words too.

If you never heard her say it before and the problem was resolved then I dont think you should have left the park. before going to the park tell her what type of behavior you want and then if something happens leave but she probably had no idea how hurtful that was so I think you handled the situation just fine.

Sounds like you already did the right thing. She didn't know that she was not allowed to say it. Now she does. I would just continue doing what you are doing–remind her and make her apologize. Unless, she starts saying it all the time, I wouldn't stress out about it or punish her further. That's my 2 cents!

I'm a preschool teacher. She probably heard the term from another kid at preschool. You'd be surprised at what I hear the 3 and 4 year olds say! I've heard "damnit", "who's the sexiest?" and many more surprising terms and some of them are funny and some appauling. I think depending on the level of your child's understanding of the situation, your reaction was correct. Here's how I decide as a preschool teacher.

If the kid says something with a bad word-- i don't mean fighting, or clearly being bratty-- if they just use a bad TERM, they may or may not understand the gravity of what they're saying. If they say it with a look on their face like they know EXACTLY what they're saying, or if they've been told before at school not to say it, they get a time out and yes if i were you we'd leave the park. But if it's the first time they've ever said it, they're probably just parroting what they've heard before and peppering their ever fragrant learning vocabuarly with new words. So I think in that case (which seems to be the case here) your reaction was correct. No need to over-punish if it was the first time. Pick your battles. You're doin a great job!

You did fine!! Sadely, I have found that the show "Arthur" has been a rather poor influence at times. Who would think? A nice PBS show like that....stupid and shut up are common on there. Don't stress...if shut up is the worst your kid says you are doing great. My 3 year old said "dammit" when we were in the car...when I told her "we don't talk that way in our house" she responded with "but we aren't in our house Mommy, we in the car". Kids. You never know what they hear, where they hear it or at what inappropriate time they are gonna repeat it.

I can not stand that phrase!! It sounds like you did the right thing by correcting her on the spot. Dont feel embrassed in front of the other parents, if you just let her get away with saying that then you should be. My only suggestion would to give her another option to say when she is angry like that. In our house we use "zip it" the context unfortunately is still the same however it doesnt sound soooo bad especailly in public. Good luck.

You did the right thing - it is always best to respond to problems as close to the time they occurred as possible, so dealing with it at the park was the way to do it. Talking ugly is not the world's worst sin; most people do it at some point and kids pick up on that, but you can teach them not to and they will at least follow that at home. It may comfort you to know that every after-school program, day care or school I've ever had my kids in does not tolerate "shut up" even though it's not technically swearing.

Hi L.: I have a 6 year old and a 2 1/2 year old - both girls. Back when the older one was little, the play time thing was new to me, too! There was always a kid in the group who would behave in some mortifying way, like biting, yelling, or pushing (my daughter!) When she went to preschool, she learned some things that I would rather she would NOT have learned. Unfortunately, you can't filter things that other people say and kids are like sponges. She may have heard someone say it at the grocery store - who knows? Anyway, you did absolutely the right thing. Leaving the park and a long time out would only draw attention to the problem. I have always calmly told the kids that "we don't say those words" and talk about how they hurt other people's feelings. This always seemed to work with my kids. The little one recently learned the word "stupid", so now we're working on that!! My older girl knows that other families may say certain words or behave a certain way, but WE DON'T. Good luck!!

Dear L.,
Your 3 yo is doing NOTHING out of the ordinary; she's 'testing the waters,' so DON'T PANIC!! First and foremost, don't heavily scold her in front of her friends and parents; take her aside and kneel in front of her so you are EYE LEVEL with her, and firmly and with confidence in your voice, let her know that 'SHUT UP' is UNACCEPTABLE, PERIOD. Other phrases can be used, i.e. 'Be Quiet,' etc., but YOU DO NOT APPROVE of 'SHUT UP.' Don't use a 'sweet talk' mode in your voice, but don't be a drill sargeant, either. Tell her, after you explain this to her, that she owes her friend and apology, take her by the hand, and walk her over to the friend she owes the apology to, and have her DO it. Explaining WHY she is apologizing to her friend ('I am sorry I said shut up to you') will remind her of WHY she was apologizing, and by hearing it, will let YOU know SHE understands why you are having her apologize to her friend. Then DROP it, after a hug and a 'good girl' praise from you (i.e., I am proud of you! You said you were sorry like a big girl!), and let her get on with her play. Don't bring it up again and, if it happens again, which it undoubtedly will, pull her aside, out of earshot (no need to embarass her, and you will likely embarass the child and parent who is being apologized to), go eye to eye with her, and let her know again that 'shut up' is unacceptable, and bring her over to apologize to the playmate. Your daughter sounds like a delight, but if and when she slips up, remain calm and don't allow yourself to become 'mortified.' She is a little girl, still learning, and she hasn't committed a mortal sin!! L.