Should We Still Pay for 20 Year Olds College If He Moves in with Girlfriend?

Updated on August 03, 2015
K.K. asks from Madison, TN
32 answers

My husband and I have saved and sacrificed to finance both our two sons college educations.We have been honest with them that need to earn the education by being responsible and doing there best while at college. They don't need to be 4.0 students but we expect effort. Binge drinking, drugs and other ideas they know are morally wrong negate our deal. We just learned that the 20 yr old has been talking, with a cellphone app, with a girl in Canada-thousands of miles away. All we know about her is her first name, she is a dual citizen, and that she lives in her deceased grandparents house. For some unknown reason to us or our son, she does not get along with her parents. One month before going back to college for the fall term our son let us know about this girl and the fact that she is visiting him, for the first time, the week he moves into his college apartment. It is a year lease that we had to co-sign on. This meeting is before school starts. We are told she, 19 yrs old, is getting a hotel room, but don't know for sure. We have know been total that my son and the girlfriend will probably get their own apartment and live together come next term. Our son will only have any face to face meeting with this girl a total of 7 days. Our son knows this is against our values and against his until now. We have tried to discuss how this whole situation could have negative impact on his future. i will admit that not knowing this girl is scary as we live in a dangerous world. Our son claims he will pay for their apartment and living if we would still pay for the college. He would also pay us back for the college apartment. He would be doing this by cleaning out a small trust account that he now has access to. The money is his to do what he wants. Our paying for college was so that both our sons would have a start in life without a huge student loan or struggle like we did. I had zero help and worked to get through college but the cost for an education has grown out of proportion today. We do not have feelings against our son meeting this girl, or for moving into her own apartment to see where the relationship goes. We do feel that, if he goes through with moving in with this girl, he has broken our agreement, so our financial support is done. In a way we still want to pay for the education itself just to make sure he doesn't waste the first two years we did pay for. That though seems to be the worst we could do. If they want to live like adults, it should all be up to them. We have tried to discuss this with him clamly but feel some pressure is coming from the girl he has yet to meet. Since he claims she is alone, we have to believe no one is providing her with any guidance in life and our son will not let us provide any. We do not want to alienate our son or someone he might married but this beyond anything we would have ever thought could happen. We have told our son we will stop financial support if he goes through with this. Are we wrong? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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answers from Los Angeles on

"We have know been total that my son and the girlfriend will probably get their own apartment and live together come next term. "

He's not met her face to face and he knows this?
This is the oddest part of the post here.
Something's up.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

I think I would help with the tuition but not the living expenses. It seems that he will be footing the bill for the apartment so I would not pay for someone to live with him. Does she plan to get a job? I would tell him since he wants to live like an adult he can have the responsibility of an adult. Good luck to you all!!!

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Norfolk on

"Our paying for college was so that both our sons would have a start in life without a huge student loan or struggle like we did.".

Focus on that.
As long as he's keeping up his grades and working toward a degree/career then NOTHING else that's going on matters.
If the grades go bad, THEN you're done paying for college.
I'm assuming you've talked to your kids about people who are not as they appear to be online.
He might have to learn this lesson the hard way but as long as this relationship doesn't get in the way of his grades - keep paying for school (tuition, books, etc).

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i'd probably be pretty unhappy about the situation too. it does sound as if it's a relationship fraught with peril.
but there's no way i'd *punish* him by refusing to pay any more for his education. this is still your son, and if he and this chick beat the odds and end up making it as a couple, she'll be the mother of your grandkids.
and he's 20. a young adult, but an adult.
i think it's perfectly acceptable to refuse to fund their relationship, and to be honest with him about your reservations about it. but this isn't asking you for anything extra- he's simply wanting to you to continue to do what you already said you would- pay for his education. cutting him off would only really come off as a dick move to punish him for not being obedient.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Pay for his college as long as he is attending and passing, but do not pay for his living expenses. The education is what you promised.

Mom, please remember, Most Young men do not really mature until their late 20's.. Their brains and common sense are just not matured yet.

You can tell him your concerns, but you cannot control him.
I am sending you strength.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

Yes, you are wrong. You are trying to regulate the sex life of a 20 year old. This is a battle that you are not going to win. If you agreed to help pay for his education, then you should do so and not with tons of strings attached. It sounds like he is stepping up and has offered a good compromise...he pays the living expenses while you help with tuition. If this relationship is a mistake (and it might very well be), then he will figure out soon enough. Caution him to be careful and not get married or have kids until he finishes his education. You act as though this behavior is so shocking...I can assure you that he is not the first young man to get into a bad relationship and cohabitate. You have provided your opinion and shut up and let him make his own choices and mistakes.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Our son is a college senior. He lived in the dorm for two years, the third year he rented an apartment with a group of people, including his girlfriend (and yes they shared a room.) When he wanted to move out of the dorm we gave him a fixed housing/food budget (only slightly more than what it cost to live on campus) and left it up to him to figure out how much rent he could afford and still have enough to pay for food and other bills.
Now the big difference here is he actually KNEW his girlfriend, they met playing on a team together, shared many of the same interests and friends, and they dated for close to a year before living together.
I think your son has lived such a protected life, and has so little real world experience that he is naive and desperate for female attention. The fact that a girl from a foreign country is able to convince him it will be easy to just meet and get an apartment is very sad. But maybe it's time for his to learn some hard life lessons.
I say continue to pay his tuition, directly, so this girl can't get her hands on it, and let him figure out the rest.
She may suck his trust fund dry, but like I said, LIFE LESSON.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I think you are 100% wrong. You were paying for his education so he would start his independent adulthood with a college education, unburdened by substantial loans. I don't believe you were doing it because you wanted to force him to live how you want him to live by financial pressure. He still needs that education so you should still pay for it. I would also hazard that if you don't pay for his college, he will NEVER forget it. Neither will she if they end up married in the future and it WILL come back to bite you.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

We pay 100% of our daughter's college education including her condo we bought that will be hers eventually.

What is the point of sacrificing and saving to pay for your children's education if you attach so many strings?

We believe it is our obligation as parents to fund our daughter so when she graduates, she will graduate debt free. She is also going to grad school and in the process of testing and applications for those as well. She is currently a Junior in college with a steady 4.0 GPA.

Of course there are justifiable reasons we would go to her and discuss her situation if she were some bum, druggie, etc. I would not pull her education funding because she has a boyfriend.

I am not naïve enough to believe she has never had him sleep over or have a drink now and then. It is about personal responsibility and being accountable for your own actions.

I personally would not be mandating her actions. I have raised a good child and although I know she will make mistakes and learn from them, it is not my job as a parent to manage her personal life.

Your son is not bumming around if he is also able to provide his housing. You are upset that he has a girlfriend you do not know well, nor does he know well at this point.

Under no circumstances would I accept any of his trust fund money as a repayment of anything. That is HIS trust fund and while yes, his option to do what he pleases. Unfortunately, many kids learn big lesson when they start justifying reasons to take funds out of a trust fund. He won't have this fund very long if he has this attitude about it.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I think you should separate school and personal life in your mind. If he's doing his best in school you should keep paying his tuition plus any housing costs you agreed to, because school is his job now and he's doing it. As for his personal life this decision doesn't sound like a smart one and you're by all means entitled to advise him, but I think you shouldn't make him living to your standards contingent on getting school money. You raised him right and now he gets to make those decisions, and possibly learn from those consequences.
For what it's worth, my husband and I moved in together at 20 during college, despite our parents' warnings, and are still doing great.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Very frustrating and dismaying but I'd look at it this way. Odds are the relationship won't work out. It'll probably last 6 months. Lots of kids when I was in college lived together for all intensive purposes. They may have had their own places but they were just about living in one of them. So he could do that without you knowing and would it be that different? If you cut him off, does he end up dropping out? That'd be a horrible. So I'd keep the grades stipulation and hope this relationship ends (unless she turns out to be a fabulous girl) and that he finishes college fine and this is just a blip.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

In my opinion, yes, you are wrong. Why would you want to alter his entire future over who he chooses to live with? You say you don't want to alienate him but you are. It's hard to let your kids make their own choices about their lives but you have to let him choose his own path.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Pay for school not the expenses. In addition, I would tell the son that moving in next term is not an option if it means he walks away from the college apartment. Why can't she move into that apartment? Walking away is not that easy and the apartment complex will come after you for the money. In addition, he would need you to co-sign on another apartment and I would not be agreeable to that. Not a good idea all around.

Also, this has the potential to be really a bad situation. Don't close the door on him. He might really need you in the future.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

This post is a bit confusing to wade through.

More than going against your morals and values, the biggest glaring red flag is that he's planning to move in with a person who's essentially a complete stranger to him. Just because they've communicated online or via some app doesn't mean he knows the truth about who she is. That defies all common sense.

Does he realize that if they have a child together and for whatever reason, it doesn't work out, things could become very complicated as he attempts to remain in the child's life? At the very least, it can limit his mobility for future job opportunities if he wants to remain in proximity to his child. So many other complications with this kind of scenario.

You can voice your concern, as most concerned parents would, but as you know, in the end, this is his decision to make.

Considering all of this, I still think your best bet is to have an educated child. If he's going to play grown-up, with all of the responsibilities that come with that, you better make sure he has an education to support himself and quite possibly, a family.

Keep your end of the bargain and pay for his education. If he wants to live with the girlfriend, they can find a way to make it work. If she has dual citizenship, she should not have any problem with getting a job, so she'll have to contribute to their household in order for them to make it work.

If he legally has access to his trust fund, I'm not sure how you can withhold it, unless there are legal stipulations you've not mentioned. Just be sure he knows, when it's all gone, other than paying for his tuition, you'll not be footing the bills for them.

Difficult situation for sure, but to give you clarity, just step back and put things into two categories: Things you can control (paying for college, so he has a better chance of finding gainful employment) and things you can't control (where, how, and with whom he lives). That kind of sums it all up.

Best to your family with this

J. F.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

You know what? He was honest with you. He could have just done it without telling you and you'd probably have never known.

I know college students who moved in with a boyfriend or girlfriend. When a girl's parents came to visit they had boyfriend put his stuff in the "roommates" closet and lock it. Then a girlfriend came and stayed, pretending to be the roommate while mom and dad were in town. Those parents never ever knew. They thought to boyfriend lived with the guys he went and stayed with while they were in town.

One friend did this and her parents paid her half of the rent and gave her an amount of money on a credit card for her expenses every month. Her boyfriend paid his half of the rent and his part time on campus job and building all his friends furniture paid for his expenses. They married right after college.

I think that you are way over reacting about this. He is still your son with the expectation of your agreement to pay for his college. I think he should find someone to take over his part of the roommate rent deal and then pay for his own place with his inheritance. I think you should still send him money each month if you planned on doing that to begin with.

Why? Because I feel that a college student has a job, working full time, and it's their education. Getting good grades and going the extra mile to learn as much as possible is their job.

One other thing. If you cut off support he'll have to get student loans and you'll have to co-sign them. He won't qualify for financial aid until he's older and been out on his own for some time. I have a friend who was married and had a child at 20 who had to have her parents co-sign for her student loan. Crazy!

He won't be able to continue school if you drop the ball now. What if he went and got married? Would you cut him off then too?

I have friends who still buy their kids a 6 month food storage supply for Christmas every year, even the married kids. It's how they help their kids have a stable thing they don't have to worry about each year. One of these mom's has 10 kids. She saves and scrimps and clips coupons on her own purchases so she can spend the money on her kids this one time per year. This is something a lot of parents in my church do.

I think you need to calm down and think this through. I wouldn't stop paying for his college and I'd tell him to work hard to find a replacement roommate for the situation he won't be using.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

First, you are jumping the gun.
He might not even like this girl when he finally meets her in person.
I would give THAT a little time to work itself out.
You are assuming his education will be in jeopardy.... but assuming is not enough to base anything on at this juncture.
I would continue helping him with only the educational part of your original agreement.
What if he NEVER told you about this girl? You would be doing yourself a favor to remove her from the equation and continue helping him with his education until you see an actual breech, such as bad grades, dropping classes, partying, etc.
This girl might be the BEST thing that ever happened, might give him even more incentive to complete his education you have so graciously been able to provide.
Give it a chance. Steer away from dwelling on a worst case scenario
I hope it works out :)

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Salinas on

Something sounds really weird about this. I would be less concerned about what you're paying for and more about your son's judgement.

Is he a street smart kid? You say they've been communicating via an "app". That's a very broad term that could mean anything from video chatting to trolling on tinder. Has he actually seen her on screen or are they only talking and/or texting?

There are lots of red flags here, particularly her complete lack of relationship with parents and foreign residence. Those details could be an effort on her part to present herself in a way that's advantageous to her. If she is even who she says she is.

I would talk to your son about what he really knows about her without being judgmental or opinionated. Stop with the ultimatums and money talk and just be his friend for a while. Doesn't matter if the guy is 20 or 40 I'd be talking this through with the person I love in an effort to make sure they have considered all possibilities. Have you even seen her picture? Instagram page? You can learn a lot from a person's online presence.

I can tell you with total certainty that if my daughter were talking about moving in with anyone she would WANT me to see and know who that person is, even if it was only online for the time being. You'd think he'd be excited to show you, "look at this great girl I met". If he isn't because you're all money talk, then change your tune now or you're going to get totally shut out.

IF (and that's a big IF) it turns out she is who she has presented herself to be and they do hit it off and want to live together it's really none of your business. Why would you even consider pulling his education money?

As someone else mentioned she may turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to him. Just help him to go into this with his eyes wide open.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

my parents paid tuition. we were responsible for living expeses if not living on campus. as long as our grades were good mom and dad left us alone to be on our own.
if i were you i would agree to paying tuition as long as the grades stay decent but if the grades go down then you child will know that you will no longer continue to pay for schooling that they are not taking seriously.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Pay his tuition only because he's halfway through college and I'd be praying he finishes if he's not too distracted by playing house.

BUT pay his tuition directly to the college--do not give it to him or put it into an account that he can access. I'm figuring you already pay tuition directly to the college--but if you don't, and you send him money to pay it himself, I would stop and send tuition directly to the school. No need to put in front of him any temptation to borrow "just a little" from his tuition money to use for the new apartment or spend on the new girlfriend. I hope it's a moot point and that the college gets your checks directly.

If you are co-signatories on a lease and there will be a penalty for breaking that lease, HE should pay it, not you. All of it. From the trust fund he's raiding. It makes no sense that he should be the one to move, unless he has roommates or something like that.

You don't mention if he has a job but do say he'd clear out a trust fund to pay for this new apartment and living expenses. That's a very immature decision, one that does not look toward the future. But since his trust allows him full access now, that ship has sailed. I would keep in good contact with him, though, and not put down the new girlfriend or alienate him, because your son might need your emotional support sooner than he thinks. He is making very foolish choices but they're his to make, and with the trust fund he's got the cash to make them. You can only control the tuition situation.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

If it were my son, I'd want him to wait until he got married to live with someone. Of course this is terrifying to you. They've never even met each other in person before. I wouldn't worry about whether or not we live in a dangerous world. It's just not smart to move in with someone you haven't even met.

He's at that time in his life when he's an adult, but he is still a dependent. He's not quite independent, but he is making more and more of his own decisions. And he's going to make decisions that you aren't going to like. But he has to make them, and he has to own the consequences.

You're not going to achieve the desired results by withholding money. If anything, you are going to drive him away. You can, however, say, "I don't love this choice you're making. I think it would be wise for the two of you to take some time to get to know each other, and I really don't agree with you living together before you get married. But, your education is very important. We made a financial commitment to you, and we will honor that commitment. We aren't going to agree with every decision that you make, but we love you, we want what's best for you and we are there for you always."

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

ETA: I think that there are a few people who are missing a key component of this original poster's discussion (including the poster who didn't read anything but the title and thinks the boy is sleeping with the girl already.) These two have never met - she's from Canada and they've only talked on the internet. The parents co-signed a loan with him for an entire year for an apartment off-campus. He is not looking to move this girl into the apartment that they already have to pay for. (He's not paying for it himself.) He wants to get ANOTHER apartment for just him and the girl. This is not about them sleeping together.

As a mother of 2 boys, one of whom just graduated from college and one who is currently in college, I will tell you flat out that I would say NO to paying for anything other than what you've paid out so far.

I told both of them up front this, the same as you. I think you just have to let the chips fall where they may. He has 2 years of college under his belt. Once he has to start working and has no time for this girl because he's paying bills, he will find out how hard this is.

I think that you just need to tell him that you love him, but once living with someone else is in the picture, he has chosen to become a real adult who has to deal with real adult problems. Tell him that what grown children do who are out of the nest (that means out of college living on their own) is check in with mom and dad, and mom and dad check in with them on a periodic basis to make sure each other is okay. But parents don't financially support grown kids. They give advice if the kids want it, but that's it.

Honestly, once he finds out how hard this is, he may change gears. If he does, then you can change your mind. But I will tell you to prepare for him to lie to you about his circumstances. A family member did that to her mother - moved out of her dorm and moved in with a boyfriend and didn't tell her. (Of course, her grades dropped like a stone because she was working to pay for that apartment (he had a fast food job) and she ended losing all her financial aid.) The boy decided to join the military and the girl switched to a community college. Her mother told her that she will only allow her to live at home if she is a fulltime college student making at least a 2.0 GPA. (Her grades have never been a strong suit.)

A disappointment to this mother that her daughter is so boy crazy that she'd rather "play house" than get a good college degree? Yes. Allowing her daughter to live off of her in order to do it? No. I agree with this 100%. Our kids need to learn that life doesn't just hand you money. You have to earn it. I told my kids that they have to show me their dedication to the money I spend by making good grades and following my rules. It's not like I have many. Following the rules the college lays out which include the rules about drugs and alcohol among many others, making good grades, and living in our approved housing is part of learning that you play within the rules if you want a free ride in college. And I expect that 100% of my kids. There are adults everywhere who didn't get the chance to go to college as young people and they work hard getting a degree while they work and support a family. There are also adults who could not afford to continue with school, get part of their studies done (like your son) and then go back. My kids don't have to be part of this group. And they know it, too.

Remember that your son can ask the MOON of you, but you have the right to say no. You didn't have to put him through college in the first place, but you offered and he accepted. Now it's time to say to him that the rules have not changed and he has to stay in his current living situation and continue making good grades if he wants the benefit of your college money. She can find another living situation if she wants to date your son - that's part of HER learning to grow up. If he ends up using his trust money to help her pay her rent, then he will learn what happens when you let someone manipulate you into spending all his money on them. And it won't be YOUR money that he is spending on her.

Additionally, I want to point out that maybe YOU have learned a valuable lesson about co-signing a lease with your son. I did not co-sign my son's lease on his college apartment his last year of school. He and 3 other kids signed leases. I gave him a monthly stipend that went toward paying his bill. Even the downpayment came out of the stipend. If he didn't clean the apartment after moving out, HE was the one who lost out on the money, not me. Don't co-sign anything else for him. And don't have him on your car insurance. If she drives his car and wrecks it, you'll have an insurance mess on your hands.

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answers from Washington DC on

As in, in the fall? Or spring?

Have you talked to him about why he feels that she must live with him versus living in her own apartment? Can he suggest friends she can share housing with? Sometimes the thought is "It's cheaper" but the don't think about things like not having the experience of living on one's own being beneficial to adulthood. They don't think that it's not cheaper to break a lease if things don't work out. I would continue to talk to him because she's not here yet. We eventually talked my nephew out of moving out to be with a girl he'd never met IRL and meeting her a few times here first. They broke up before it got that far. Or rather, she stopped talking. To this day we are not sure if it was a sting operation to try to catch online predators. One of the things I shared with him was a friend where we chatted well online, but in person chemistry was a dud. It happens.

In this case, is she really from another country? Has he considered immigration concerns? She may not, for example, be able to work in the US and he'll have to support them both - can he do that and do well in school?

So that being said, he's 20 and in college and I understand the "not a kid, but not fully independent thing." We are dealing with that with my SD. Something my DH has discussed is that if she doesn't hold her end of the bargain, then it's on her. If she choose poorly with her roommates and they get kicked out or the security deposit is forfeit, then he's not giving her any other money. So I wouldn't pay his rent if he's choosing a housing situation you don't support.

Secondarily, I would try to get him to sit down with a financial advisor. Are there tax concerns with taking out the trust, especially in a lump sum? He needs to know, and perhaps a third party can remind him to save for the future, too, and go over his finances in general.

Ultimately you pay for what you want to pay for and if he chooses another path, that is his choice. We would LIKE to pay 100% for the kids, but since SD didn't get a scholarship like her brother and her mother hasn't contributed, she's had loans and work. But you both need to get past the gut emotions to the business and financial part of the situation. Otherwise, your actions will simply be punitive.

ETA: Most burar's offices have online payment options and if he hasn't already, he can sign a form to let you see and pay that bill and that bill only. That would limit your involvement to the actual tuition and nothing more, if you so chose. He's come to you with a plan. So review that plan and discuss it. It need not be all/nothing/blank check.

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answers from St. Louis on

I am having a hard time believing this is an actual question for starters because we don't call semesters terms in the US. The second bit is no where, ever, have I heard of a parent that isn't 100% it is about education, not who you are diddling.

If this is real you would have a semester to see if he can handle having a serious relationship and keep his grades up.

Another odd thing, a relationship does not have to be something as convoluted as someone from another country that he has never met and only talks to online. You have no ability now to know where your son sleeps every night when he is away.

I the end I think this is BS because it has a simple answer, if he wants to stay in college he has to keep his grades up

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Danville on


Got to LOVE a good 529 account, as it will ONLY cover tuition/room and board ON Campus!

Does not cover books (or 'lab' fees) unless one jumps through hoops.

I tends to take the parent out of the equation to some degree.

My youngest is going off to college this fall. Her elder sibs have had to make a choice regarding on campus housing.

They knew going in what their accounts would cover. Some chose off campus for a variety of reasons...and THEY had to work to pay for it. Period.

I cannot speak to a trust fund...or an 'on line' girlfriend. seems to me, at some point as a parent, it is prudent to let your kiddo make some decisions on their own.

Hopefully that is what we have prepared them for all along.



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answers from Philadelphia on

It sounds to me like your son has very poor judgement to even contemplate moving in with a girl he has yet to meet in person. At least he is giving it a semester though to get to know her.

I would probably not pull his college funding if he continues to do well but I would certainly share with him my concerns. What will she be doing when she moves in with him? Is she going to continue her education? Get a job? Etc. If her plan is for your son to support her I would be very leery too. If your son is so easily willing to blow his trust fund, I would be very concerned. He should have room mates that he splits the bills with IMHO.

Best of luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You have a right to set any terms you wish, for giving your adult son money.

If he hasn't even met her yet, as I understand it, you are jumping the gun worrying about them living together or mentioning marriage. (He will probably meet her and find out she's a 40 year old guy. Lol. Just tell him to make sure he meets her for the first time in a neutral public place, like a coffee shop.) Apparently they don't plan to live together this semester, so I think you could give it the semester to see where the relationship goes. I wouldn't worry about this being "dangerous;" I don't know what a 19 year old girl could do to him, other than break his heart or create drama. That's not "danger," it is a healthy experience in the reality of relationships.

Refusing to pay for his college should not "alienate" your son, if you have raised him properly. You have the right to set your terms, and he is allowed to make a choice whether to accept those terms or not. Making hard choices for oneself is a natural outgrowth of being and becoming an adult.

Do what you feel you need and want to do. Your son sounds like he is somewhat mature, and probably will not have a hissy fit about it. If he does, oh well, too bad. That's how he will grow up.

p.s. I do know a few very nice, well-adjusted young men who are living with their girlfriends. It's not the worst thing in the world.

p.p.s. I don't know how trustworthy your son is, so I can't speak to the lease. However, I would, and do, co-sign on any of my kids' leases, as I trust them implicitly.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Call me paranoid if you will...He's moving in with a girl from another country who he has essentially never met in person yet?....Something does not bode well here...Maybe I've been watching too many Lifetime movies or reruns of Law&Order, but she could have an ulterior motive or be some kind of psycho...but that's me (and I apologize for rambling on)

Ummm, so my answer to your question is: NOPE

I hope everything works out for the best

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answers from Santa Fe on

Tell him that you strongly feel he should not share a living space with her yet. Tell him to get to know her in person. He can help her find a place to rent with some other young women from the college. Encourage him to be friends and get to know her better. Slow down and give it time. That he should not talk about "moving in together" until he is done with college and he feels very serious about the relationship. She is not alone. She has her grandparents. She has your son as a friend. She has friends and will make other friends. My parents did not pay for my college, my bills, or the dorm or house I rented with friends. I was "on my own" but I did not sell it like that to guys I met. I just felt self sufficient and did not dwell on that...I focused on my studies and my social life. I think it is odd she is wanting to depend on your son and is saying how alone she is. She might be a perfectly sweet person, but it seems kind of needy to me. Tell him he can help her in many other her find a place to rent, help her find a job and help her get signed up for classes. He can introduce her around to his friends. But he does not need to live with her yet...he needs to finish college first.

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answers from Lakeland on

If his grades slip then I would stop paying or at least give him a chance to get them back up with the warning of you stopping payments.

He is willing to pay for his own apartment (or shared with this girl) then don’t add an extra burden of having to pay for school.

I would also ask him to meet her since they are planning on living together. If your son is a good kid then I am sure he has good judgement and you will probably like her too. I think as parents we tend to think the worst to keep our kids safe (from everything including a broken heart), but if we raise them right they will make good decisions.

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answers from Boston on

I think, in this difficult situation, the best thing is to at least keep him in college in terms of his education.

You can suggest (but he will not listen, maybe) that someone who wants to come to another country (as close as the US and Canada are in lifestyles) may have other motives. The "my parents don't understand me" line is the oldest one in the book. She will at least have other financial problems - if she doesn't have a work visa and she doesn't have health care, he will be supporting her entirely. I'm not sure what he is using for money, besides the trust fund (does he have a part time job or savings from his summer job?). I see that you are on the hook for the rent - he says he will pay for it, but you co-signed so if he blows the entire trust fund on her support and their fun activities, that nest egg is gone in terms of rent. And how is he planning to get his own apartment with her, if there is a lease on the current one?

If she is not working or in school, what is she planning to do all day, besides spend his money? It's too bad he has access to that trust fund at 20 - kids just don't make good decisions at that age.

I think that this situation is likely to end badly, in which case, you are the only port in the storm for him - so I would leave the lines of communication open and not completely cut him off. But I would tell him that you are financially and legally obligated to pay the rent on his current apartment for the year (check the lease to see if he's allowed to move another person in there). Tell him, if he moves out, he and you are still on the current lease for the rest of the year, so he will be paying double rent and/or in charge of finding a person to sublet (which may or may not be permissible on the lease - landlords often prohibit it, and most require approval if they allow it).
This would be a legal restriction, not a parental one. Your kid is over 18, he's allowed to sign contracts, and he did. If he has one or more roommates and still moves this girl in, he has to work that out with them. He's a big boy now.

I'm hoping you've instructed your son long before this about contraception and save sex, but otherwise I wouldn't inquire about whether the hotel room is a real thing or a story you've been told. Kids live together, for all intents and purposes, as Jill said below. So hopefully you've covered those bases already and it's not your place now to start reminding him of your morals or what you hope his are.

I think you have to focus on the finances and the legal obligations. If this relationship miraculously works out, you'll have taken the high road. If it crashes and burns, your son will need you as a "soft place to fall" and he will need his college life to keep him grounded.

If he blows the nest egg trust fund on this girl, then your hopes and dreams for him will be dashed, and he will have to get loans and so on, just like every other college student. But there's nothing you can do about that because you set the trust up so he could have it now. Chalk that up to a lesson learned.

I wish you all good luck!

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answers from Norfolk on

I haven't read the other responses, so I apologize for any repetition.

I think you are absolutely correct. You paying for college is an absolute privilege, not a right. You laid down the rules for your support and your son has chosen to break them. It's his choice, he has left you with no choice.

A friend's Dad told her he would finance her education with three rules, 1) good grades, 2) no tattoos, and 3) can't live with a boyfriend. Fantastic if you ask me!

Stand your ground! Do not alter your values because of pressure from your son. If he is grown enough to play house then he is old enough to pay for his own education and living expenses!! Stopping financial support does not mean that you have to end all contact with him. If he was raised correctly, he will come to see why you are doing what you are doing. It may take some time for his head to clear from the fog of this romance though. Good luck and I support you!



answers from Fayetteville on

Tough call...don't see this situation ending well for anyone. I would not try to control his choices with money. He could have easily lied to you. If he has to pay his living expenses, he'll have to work. If his living expenses are $1000/mo, he'll have to work over 30 hours a week at $8/hour to pay them. It's hard to be a full time student & work 30 hours a week.

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