I have been where you are, but my situation has a wrinkle: my husband actually had an affair in 2005 with a woman he met through his work. We reconciled, but they began chatting by phone 4 years later when she called him out of the blue. But I tried to forgive that, too. It was very hard because the trust was already damaged before and now it had taken another hit... but I loved him, and he expressed genuine remorse. So we trudged on. I will admit—it was VERY hard for me to trust him, and I was BAD to drag out past issues when I was upset about other things. I
Then, in the summer of 2012, after what I thought were several good months (I had decided I had to put all that behind me once and for all), things were rough for us again. He had grown distant from me, grumpy at everything I said, picked fights over stupid stuff, etc. I also noticed he kept his phone close and got a lot more texts than he had been. I could have easily just checked the phone bill, but I had promised myself I wouldn't do it--that was part of me trying to trust him. He would tell me it was friends texting about his fantasy baseball or football, or his boss, etc. Then, in October, things finally came to a head. He kept telling me he "just wasn't happy" and "maybe we couldn't repair the damage he'd done." I asked him if there was someone else, he said no. I finally asked, "If I were to look at the cell phone bill, would anything cause me concern?" He said I'd probably be upset to learn how much he and "Friend" texted and talked. He told me they had become close over the last year or so, that it had bloomed out of the blue, and that he was kinda a sounding board and was giving her advice about her pending divorce, etc. The first thing he said, however, was “I’m not cheating on you, I swear.” I lost it. He told me he had kept it quiet because he knew I would react as I just did, and that she had told him stuff in confidence and he couldn't violate that trust. Also that it was nothing more than “very good friends, similar to "Friend of 25 years." (??) This was the last straw, so I threw him out. I also found out later that he often stopped by her work to "check on her" (staying as long as 2 hours), sometimes when he gave me the impression he was still at work; our foster daughter had also peeked at a text where he and this woman had exchanged “I love you”s. He swore that didn’t mean what I thought it meant, but it was too much for me. Essentially, he lied to me again and again and again in order to help, visit, comfort, and talk to this woman. Even if it wasn’t physical, I feel like he cheated emotionally. He gave and got something from her that he wasn’t giving me or letting ME give. I probably made it difficult with my continued lack of trust in him, but some things hurt long and deep… We tried to reconcile a few months later, but when I said "please, choose me; she has to go" he kept trying to defend the friendship and his behavior, and essentially make me accept it, because “he’d done nothing wrong except hide it.” I refused and divorced him. Our divorce was final 11 days ago.
Over the last several months, he has admitted that he handled the friendship wrong but still denies that it crossed any boundaries or was inappropriate. I still say if he felt he had to hide it, he knew it was more than “just friends” and was beyond anything I would have been comfortable with (or that he would have been in reverse circumstances). And honestly I wouldn't be comfortable with much considering our history--and I believe firmly that you don't have a certain level of closeness with opposite-sex friends once you're in a committed relationship. People before I came along, I understand and accept. But new ones? Not as easily...there are limits. I have a long list of “If y’all are just friends, maybe…” but I’ll spare you those because many are listed in other posts.
Over the last 4-5 weeks, we have actually gotten along better than we have in a LONG time. We truly do not want to hate each other, and with 2 daughters in the middle, it is important to us that we are at least decent to each other. But even before the divorce hearing, we admitted that we still loved each other very much and always would. In a serious talk about a week before the hearing, he told me he had realized that none of what he had put me through was worth the hurt he had caused and was feeling, nor was any of it worth losing everything he’d ever wanted. He said he had been nothing but stubborn but had seen that got him divorced and alone. He actually crossed the subject of “not writing him off yet.” That me going through with the divorce was a wake-up call and that he had truly had an epiphany—he knows he loves me and does not want to be without me and can be a better husband if I will give him one more shot. He has even said he’ll go to counseling with me (there is a lot going on in his head that needs addressing—old issues from his childhood). I can’t believe I’m even entertaining the idea, after everything that has happened, but after almost 19 years together, two kids, and so much more, it’s tough to just say no and let go. I thought the divorce would do it, but… So I’m actually toying with it but am so scared.
I told him that I appreciated how well we had been getting along—he has been attentive, respectful, affectionate (within limits…)-- but that I still needed certain things in order to feel good about trusting him again. The #1 thing was putting me/us first, and that started with "Friend he helped through the divorce" being out of his life completely. (He also “friended” the ex-lover on Facebook just to hurt me,and I said she had to go, too). That if we were putting the past in the past, they were part of that and needed to go. When it came to this latest friend, I would never feel good about him being friends with someone he lied to me about and chose over me when his marriage was on the line. I also said that anything that doesn't build up our marriage only undermines it/damages it, and that situation and his choices hurt our marriage and even if it's a brotherly-sisterly type friendship, too much has happened for me to ever be ok with it and I can't handle it. And if he wanted ME, she had to go. He said that he understood that if we worked out, new friend would have to go, but I was hoping he would be willing to end the friendship soon, as a sign that he’s serious about trying.
The hard part is...he isn't exactly crazy about one of my best girlfriends (of 14+ years), whom he feels undermines our marriage also by running him down/badmouthing him at every turn, which she hasn’t. I'll admit--she has not been his #1 fan just lately, and we have both vented about our husbands to each other over the years like girlfriends do--but like any good friend, she has been objective and truly has helped me look at this from all sides, even HIS side. [And if I'm being objective, who's to say his female friend hasn't taken my side once or twice? who knows?] But in general, my girlfriend hasn't constantly run him down, badmouthed him, etc. I think it would be different if she had. What I am afraid of is he will say "I'll talk to my friend and explain why we can't be friends anymore if you'll get rid of your friend." I'm not prepared to do that.
I guess I wrote all this (and it's long...sorry!) to empathize and tell you that betrayal is betrayal, physical or not. I also need to know if anyone thinks I’m a big ol’ hypocrite for not thinking the situations with our respective “friends” are the same.
