Should I Tell My Husband About Our Daughter's Sexual Activity

If she has an STD I would ask her to be honest and tell her father or you will.
Low self esteem is a huge reason young girls have sex. They need to feel love and acceptance and think that b/c a hormonal teenage boy "wants" them that having sex with them will make them feel beatiful or accepted or at least desireable. And it works for the most part, but it's a false sense of self worth and she needs to learn how to love herself for who she is, not for how others see her. Much easier said than done.
Good luck to you.

Oh' Yes! You (and all of us)should never keep secrets from your husband(and our husbands too!). It is very important that you and your husband be unified as one.
Our children and others need to see that we are united as one. When our children and others know that we are unified they will not try as hard to divide and conqure us.
You are doing good by praying to God. It is only through the blood of Jesus Christ are we able to have access to Him. In Him we have forgiveness and new life.
You can pray for His conviction upon your daughter, that she will repent and recieve His forgiveness. He loves each of us not matter what and this includes your daughter. Once a person has confessed their sins He washes away that sin and remembers it no more. It is as far as the east is from the west. Praise the name of Jesus!!
What a wonderful opportunity you and your husband have to share Jesus' love, forgiveness, and mercy and grace with your daughter.
It is good to hear your family is in counseling. Good Bible based counseling is so important when we are seeking to raise our children according to the word of God. Sometimes we all need some help. And that is good that you are seeking the help that you and your family need. Its so not a sign of weekness, we all need help time and again.
Everything is gonna' work out all right. Keep trusting Jesus and He will see you through!
in Christ,
reaching out,
K.

You have already received a lot of good advice. I agree that you need to tell your husband because the truth will come out eventually, and if he finds out that you've known for some time, it will make him even more angry. I pray that God will intervene in your situation -- and especially in your daughter's life -- so that you all may come to terms in a peaceful and beneficial manner. May God give your daughter the wisdom and strength to control herself and find that only God's love can fulfill her emotional needs. May the peace and comfort of Jesus be with you all.

"She is going to a teenage therapist. My husband and I are scheduled to go to her next visit. Even though she has been going to this therapist and doing somewhat better, I still feel that she is lying some. WHAT DO I DO???????????? Should I bring this all up to my husband or not at the risk of who knows what?!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hi M.,

I quoted your paragraph above because it seems to be filled with important information.

It is good that you have a (family) mediator available and that your dd is already showing progress.
Personally, I have difficult times when confronted with others' compromisies of the truth. The nail-biting lesson for me in that is GRACE. I can't change someone else's choice to lie, that takes the special touch of Jesus. But we can love the person (not the behavior) with an effort to suspend our judgement of them. It's in the criticism of judgement that a fragile one may cower and fall back. Let's help go forward, with grace. When we lie, it is a way to escape the temporary pain of what the truth, in any case, may involve (i.e. our parents' anger, dissapointment, our own shame, etc...). The troubling thing is that when we do lie, it makes the hole we're digging, deeper... which causes fear! Jinkies, that's a lot to work through at 16, 35, 50, or 84 years old.

Big question about sharing dd's recent activity with hubby??? Hmmm, that's a toughie. I guess what I think about is the closeness you've written about before that the 2 of you share. We need our husbands to be supportive (among other strong roles ; ). And I sense the urgency with which you may want to have his involvement/feedback/support/etc. My gut tells me that he should be informed at some point in order to be contributing to the whole family's needs, but WHO shares the info, and WHEN is the stumper : ) I pray that the lord hear's this request and gives you the confirmation that you need!

Love, M.

p.s. Are u familiar with the concept of "Reclaiming virginity."?

Wow!! I remember when my parents found out that I wasn't a virgin, but you know I felt a lot better once they knew. I didn't have to hide anything anymore. I had made a mistake and actually wanted to talk to my parents, but was too afraid. I was just about your daughters age! I honestly think that you should tell your husband! He's goihng to be upset, worried and have very mixed emotions, but I don't believe in keeping things that major from you spouse! Your daughter may be hurt by this, but she will get over it and eventually she will understand why you had to tell her father. Maybe you should talk to her and let her know that you really want to tell him and try to make her understand why he needs to know. I can't imagine going through that with my daughter!! It's really scary to think about. I wish they could stay little forever. I wish you luck with this situation and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

There is a great resource for you and your daughter. Colleen Kelly Mast is a speaker and author. She has great stuff on chastity, and self esteem, true love, etc. Check out this link to find out more...
/www.avemariaradio.net/christian-radio-host.php/Dr.-Ray-Gu...

I most definitely would tell my husband. Secrets like this can destroy marriages.
You said that your daughter said she wants to be loved. That has everything to do with you and your husband. Despite your every effort to show her love and support she is not "getting it". Maybe its the lack of time she gets from you and your husband. All this will be addressed in your next therapy session. DO not blind side your husband. There are ways to tell your spouse without compromising your mother/daughter relationship.
May I suggest a very good book to read- The Five Love Languages. Its a great book for marriages but also just dealing with people. It may help you to be a better communicator to others. To find out what way your daughter needs her "love tank" filled.
Hang in there and please tell your husband. Together the three of you will get through this. You are in my prayers!

M.,

Having your daughter see a therapist is a great idea. It is an even better idea that you and your husband are going to see one with her. You need to tell your husband. The two of you need to talk with out her being in the house. You need to provide a strong united front of love and support for her. I would tell her that you are concerned about her choices, but do not tell her what to or not to do. Slowly the combination of all of these actions will let her see that , you love her no matter what, and that she can talk to either of you for anything.
Just as a little back ground for you, I am a family advocate for a juvenile court in ohio. I see this every day and you are taking the exact right steps to help your daughter. Please let us know how you are doing. Feel free to contact me it there is anything else that I can do to help.

Put yourself in everyone's shoes here....how could things go if you DON'T tell him? BAD! BAD! BAD! all he way around!!! Could completely keep from making ANY progress at the meeting w/ the therapist.

He will feel betrayed because he's being told IN FRONT OF A THERAPIST and not by daughter and/or wife. Tell the daughter that you both need to sit down and tell him unless she wants to tell him alone. Regardless....it NEEDS TO BE DONE!!

It will put an added stress on your relationship with him since you know & he doesn't. He'll want to know why you didn't say something before now.

How would you feel if you were in his shoes? What would you want to happen in order to make the most of the session?? DONT wait!!

Telling your child not to have sex -- especially after she has lost her virginity -- is probably not going to change her mind about it. You need to tell her why you want her to wait and prepare her for staying safe if she decides to have sex anyway. Talk to her about risks and how to use a condom -- and be honest about why she should use protection (her STD probably has helped her understand a little about that). About your question, I think it depends on why you want your husband to know. If he's the kind of person who can handle such information with calm and level-headedness, I say yes, of course. But if he will just blow up or otherwise freak out, then no.

Does your husband ever see the bills that come in? If so he will notice the medical bill, explanation from his insurance company as to what it is for, or find the medication and with the name of the product know what it is used to treat.
Should your husband be told? Yes, I think he should be told. Does it cause your daughter to be upset with you? Yes, it probably will.
I would guess the information is going to come in the therapy sessions anyway.
I will pray for all of you.

Your husband has every right to be told! There is no reason why this should be kept from him. The longer you delay telling him, the more mad he will be at you when he does find out. Remember how hurt you were that your daughter told your mom before you. You didn't want to find out from your mom... how will your husband feel when (not if - when!) he finds out from someone else?

Also, I know you didn't mention this but have you discussed birth control with your daughter? Of course you don't want her to have sex, but if she's having it anyways (which it sounds like she's doing) then she should be protected. You should take her to the doctor's to get birth control, and also make sure she has condoms - because birth control doesn't protect from diseases. Providing these safety measures doesn't mean you condone her actions... it just means you love her and want her to be safe.

First off get her on the pill or shot!!!!! My 15 year old has a 6 day old baby boy. I didn't get her on the pill because I didn't want to put her through the exames but I was stupid because now she has been through so much more. I know you can't watch your teens 24/7 because I tried and look where I am now...lol. Tell your husband. Why would you keep that from him?? He has a right to know. You wrote that he is WONDERFUL. Two heads are better then one. What is the teen world coming too??? There are so many mothers having trouble with there teen daughters right now. Know that you aren't alone. Actually that love comment your daughter made I would get her on the shot because she wont take the pills and you would be a grandmother. Good luck to you!!!

Hi M.! To be honest with your husband and open is one of the best relationships anyone could have. And I would suggest that that's where you start. I would never keep anything from my girls' dad ever. The sex thing is a real big deal and I know how fathers react, I too had one. And I too was sexually active at age 16. I never got any STD's and never got pregnant till I was ready. See my mother died when I was ten and I was really at loss and hurt. My dad was a major alcoholic and never really around. Until he found my step mom. She really hated me.(Whole other story). Any how my dad was never there for my younger sister and I. We pretty much felt that no one loved us or wanted us, until we started dating. When my dad finally started to talk to us or even be there, it was too late. We already had planned on someone to love us, since our dad wasn't there and our mom was out of the picture. We always felt unwanted and we needed the feeling of being loved and wanted. We got with some guys who we thought that loved us. My sister got pregnant first and she was only 17, almost 18 when she had her first daughter. I was 19 when I had my first child. Than 21 when I had my second. I realized that love is totally needed while you are a child and the more you have the love and trying to understand (especially because my girls are preteens now) and their dad isn't in their life and hasn't been since the younger out of the two was 1. I wouldn't want my girls to go through what my sisters and I have gone through. I now am with a better man. We have a daughter together and very proud of all three. This guy I'm with is really about being there and trying to be there for our girls! And I know that's what we all need is some approvement and understanding and love. Patience is the best thing to have when your a parent, even though at times you just don't feel like you can have that along with forgiveness. We all make mistakes and we all keep going. Just be honest and be loving. That is number one thing that your daughter needs. She just needs to know that you love her no matter what. Good Luck, and I will keep your family in my prayers.

Please do talk to your husband such things are very scarey for dads to loose their little girls and he needs to know he could be a grandfather if things continue with her. Most girls her age only have sex because they feel they are lacking something or don't fit into the crowd.Most don't even like it. Your daughter doesn't understand the sacredness of sex and a relationship and never will unless she is taught.She has already contracted a STD , next time It could be one with out a cure.
Praying for you and your daughter.

If he knew and you didn't would you expect him to tell you?
I think it's important for your daughter to see how you and your husband love and respect each other, one way by sharing and working through problems.
It's tough being a teen, or at least it was for me. I continually pray that my children will not make many unwise choices like I did. I too felt unloved, now being a parent and being 20+ years wiser see that my folks did they best they knew how. I firmly believe - when you know better, you do better. Just keep loving her. Maybe a book like "The Five Love Languages" would benefit the whole family. Knowing each others love language may help you show love differently to each other.
I do think you should share it with your husband. If you want to take the disciplinarian role on this just make sure he knows that you don't want him to "fix" the problem (as many men do) and that you just want him to know the situation.
Remember to pray, pray, pray for your child. Our God is a mighty God and He is willing to help if you allow Him to. This situation is not too big for Him.
~T.

I would tell my husband about it. No matter what his reaction being her father it would make it worse to hide it from him. Tell your daughter if she is going to have sex she needs to make sure that the man uses a condom. Also, let her know that if a man really loves her he can wait. Let her know the things that she hears about someone loving her may just to be to get her in bed. At that age a lot of it is because the guy wants sex and he may tell her he loves her so she will have sex with him. Tell her that she should be in a stable relationship with one person before having sex again and to be sure to use protection. I would also suggest getting her on the pill. Keep bringing her to the therapist as well because a lot of young girls who don't have good self esteem about themselves will have sex and typically with more partners than one wants to know. Whatever you do tell your husband,get her on the pill and keep her in therapy. Good luck and I wish you the best.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

M.,
My advice is YES, tell him now. Yes, he will be angry and upset and disappointed, but honesty is always best, even if it is not always the most comfortable thing to do. Imagine how he'll feel if he finds out in the therapist's office that all of this has been going on behind his back? That could make everything worse. He may feel you have betrayed him by not telling him. Pray diligently about this, God is faithful. He will give you the right words and the best way to handle him and his reaction. You had the benefit of being prepared before your daughter told you. Give him the same benefit. My heart goes out to you all...this is a situation that no one would want to be in. But please be honest with him before he hears it from someone else.

First of all I think you and your daughter need to tell your husband. It will come out one way or another and it is best that it comes from the both of you. Second of all it just takes one time to get and STD or to get pregant. So what I think you need to do is if she is to make a pack with her that if she is going to be sexually active then she needs to go to a clinc once a month to get checked out.

Way too many parents and society are obsessed with the virginity thing--with either keeping it or losing it! that is not important at all in the long run--what is important is the same for everyone no matter male or female or age--that is that they have sex only when she/he wants to have sex and it is mutaully pleasurable and they are old enough to deal with the possible consequences and not because she/he is being pressured to do so or to "buy" love or to keep up with the crowd, etc. It is not at all unusual for a 16 year old to want to have sex--simply because she has desires--not because anything is wrong. A few generations ago people were just reaching puberty at 16 and were expected to be married in just a couple years so they did not have a long time to contemplate NO sex! And petting or necking or spooning whatever it was called with each generation was much more a part of normal couples--with less expectation for goign all the way. Let her know that she has the right to be only as sexually active as she wants--some couples find that they can have fun together and be close and loving without doing anything that will risk pregnancy or disease and if they do choose to do more than they need to have birth control easily available.Any boy that does not respect her right to say no at any point, does not deserve her and she needs to know this. If you are shaming her or having unrealistic expectations she will lie to you--16 yr olds will do that no matter how good of kids they are. AS far as her father--can he be trusted to not freak out? I would not tell him except that she did contract a disease and both parents need to know if their child is sick. But you need to talk to her about it first. Couples need to be honest with eachother but that does not necessarily mean that they tell eachther everything! When talking to your daughter bring up to her that even if she uses bc she could get pregnant or another disease. ASk her what she plans to do if that happens--talk to her with a curious tone--not lecturing or shaming, let her know that you are concerned --not judging her. Teens do listen even if they don't seem to be. ASk her if she has discussed what she will do with her boyfriend. One of the main things that I told my girls that seemed to have stuck is that you should never have sex with someone unless you can talk to them about it!Too many girls just let it happen and are embarrassed to talk to the guy. When my 2nd daughter told me she was thinking about going all the way with her steady boyfriend of 2 yrs (she was 18)I was so happy to hear that she insisted that they discuss what they would do--both of them decided that they would first be monogomous and second they would use 2 forms of bc to be safe but if it did happen they would have the baby(they are both pro-choice as far as laws like I am--but feel it would be irresponsible to choose abortion for them)i was very proud of her (and him) for being so responsible). Bottom line is to remember what it was like to be 16--sometimes I think so many people forget what it was like when dealing with their kids. There are so many worse things your daughter could be doing than having sex--drugs or gangs come to mind.

You have to tell your husband. If you don't, it'll still come up in the therapy session, I'm sure, and that will only make things worse. It's better that it comes from you and not some stranger.

We are to put the Lord first in our lives, then our husbands and then our children. Not telling him means you are keeping secrets from him. That's not a good thing for any relationship. Marriage is supposed to be built on honesty. If you are keeping things from him, you aren't being honest.

My daughter is 2 and I dread the time when we have to go through this stressful time with her as well. But, knowing that I can take anything to my husband makes it a little easier. It might not go all that great because you've known for so long, but it is still better than waiting. The two of you are her parents, not just you.

I hope I don't sound too harsh. I really don't mean to. I just think it's extremely important that the two of you are on the same page when it comes to all aspects of your lives, children being one of the most important areas.

As for your daughter... I think you all need to sit down together and have the 'sex talk' again whether she wants to or not. She is obviously not hearing you and putting to use what you are saying if she is continuing to have sex. I would suggest maybe checking the internet for Dr. Kevin Leman. He is a wonderful Christian psychologist (I don't think he's a psychiatrist) who deals a LOT with parenting. There should be a way to contact him to seek his advice. I would strongly recommend doing this.

I pray that everything works out for you and your family. I pray that the Lord gives you peace about talking to your husband and that there will be peace in your marriage.

God bless,
A.

Of course you have to tell your husband! What if your daughter ends up pregnant and you have to break the news to him that you have know about her sexuality for a while and chose not to include him in this stage of her life! I am sure he will be extremely upset that you didn't do everything in your power to prevent it! Plus it will most likely come up in the therapy session! If I were in your shoes I would absolutely talk to my husband about it especially for your support too! I am sure you have a whirl-wind of emotions going through you right now and you need that someone to help you sort through everything to make the best possible decisions regarding your daughter!! So just tell him now to avoid all problems in the long run!

Hi M.,

I think you should tell your husband. I got pregnant when I was 19 and was terrified to tell my dad. My mom told him, she started the conversation with " I have something to tell you, but you will not get mad, you will not yell, what we need is support". My point is that if you approach your husband with something like that- stress your daughters low self esteem and that the therapy is to help her but you have to tell him something that may come up. Make sure he knows that his reaction will have a crucial impact on how your daughter feels and reacts to future attempts to help her.
Ok and for your daughter- please put her on birth control. Even if she says she's not going to do it again, she has once and probably will again. Also if you approach her as an adult who is going to make her own decisions and tell her you want her on birth control just incase she is more likely to feel like she doesn't need to rebel by doing it again. I know birth control seems like your condoning the behavior- your not and you can explain that just say- I don't think what you've done is right and I don't think its ok- but you are almost an adult and if your going to decide to do something I don't want you to I at least want to protect you as much as i can.
Good luck - I hope it works out for you:)

Your daughter is a young woman now, so she needs trust from you even is she doesn't seem to know what she's doing. Try to get her to tell her father in a therapy session about the sex, STD and other things. I don't feel this is your place to tell your husband. You learned these things in confidence, so they need to stay that way.

Additionally, she obviously has some issues and I think the counseling is very important. If she doesn't click with this therapist, please seek another therapist. You can try to put other positive women role models in her life and hope she will confide in them. Also, if you feel she will continue to have sex, it is probably in your best interest to bring her to planned parenthood and an OBGYN to talk about STD's, birth control and condoms.

Perhaps there are things you can do to build your relationship together. A trip with her, camping, women's weekend with mother and daughter's, travel somewhere by car that takes a long time to get there. Allow a lot of dead air time for conversation. Maybe you can do some community service together like planting flowers or helping build a house for habitat for humanity.

There is no way I would tell my husband. If you do you will violate your daughter's trust in you. I went through this with my daugther and had rasied her in a very religious family background. The truth is once they begin having sex it is almost impossible for them to stop. They will tell you what you want to hear. Gonorhea can be cured, but next time she may not be so lucky. Give her condoms and get her on birth control. Let her know you do not approve, but you would prefer if she was going to continue to do this that she protect herself.
I have been married three times, so maybe your relationship is better with your husband than mine, but if you want to have your teen continue to tell you private things you must gain her trust. Keeping the communication open can help you through the teen years and sometimes they will tell you stuff that you do not want to hear, but I would rather my teen be honest with me and tell me stuff that horrifies me, then the other way around.

I would have to say yes you should tell him. You are partners and she is his daughter too. Of course it will be hard to hear, but he should hear it from you. Not only because he deserves to know, but because you were given a man in your life to help you bear your burdens, none of us are meant to handle things alone and you are going to need his support, for you and also in teaching your daughter. I am sorry this has happened. It's got to be hard and I will pray for your daughters self esteem. I hope you have her seeing a Christian counselor because they will help her to understand where her worth is really found.

Hi
well i understand that its hard for you but for just one second have you even thought about how your daughter is feeling? OMG! Imagine having sex because you don't feel accepted or the guts that she had to tell you in the first place! talk to your daughter about talking to your husband and make an agreement so that all the family can talk about it. Be tolerant with your daughter and before she can accept herself she needs YOUR acceptance! Every daughter wants their mama to be proud. I know your not proud of your daughters doing's and i bet she isn't either but whats done is done and all your family has to accept it.
FYI: This isnt just the doing of your daughter it is also the influence of her friends so i recommend checking up on her friends and knowing in witch crowd your daughter is in. If you have to do it change schools start fresh!
i am sorry, i hope i dont go threw that myself

This is a tough & complex situation, but the fact that your daughter ended up confiding in both you and your mother is a good sign that you can reach her in a positive way. I don't think it is wrong to be your daughter's confidant and not include your husband in this particular aspect of her life - at least not until you find out if there is an underlying cause to the promiscuity.

I was raised in a Christian home by two strict, but loving parents, attended church every Sunday and went to private school. I too did very well in school. But I knew what I could and could not discuss at home, so I was selective in only bringing up things that would not cause any discourse. In retrospect, I wish I had a confidant about ALL matters of my life at that age.

I lost my virginity in HS to someone I didn't love (I guess I just wanted to tell friends that I had done it too). That opened the floodgates and suddenly I was promiscuous with almost every guy I went on a date with - it was a downhill spiral that lasted a few years that included episodes of contracting an STD (curable, thank goodness). My parents never found out because I would get the issues taken care of at free clinics.

I guess the male attention gave me a temporary feeling of self-worth and acceptance. The weird thing was, I always felt sick to my stomach with guilt after having sex and then felt completely filthy, but it was not enough to stop doing what I was doing at that time.

I appeared to have a lot going for me on the outside, but I was lacking something on the inside. Your daughter will need help to figure out what she is missing, but you've already taken a good step with the therapy. One suggestion, make sure your husband is doing everything he can to praise your daughter when necessary and to show his acceptance of her. It could help a lot.

Since you did what you could to prevent her from having sex too early, but it happened anyway, she'll now need your moral guidance regarding monogamy and weighing out consequences of her actions. Emphasize the importance of being selective and why it is best to wait until Mr. Right comes along. She has already gotten just a small taste of what a Mr. Wrong can do.

Emphasize everything that she has to offer a guy. If all he likes about her is the sex, then he is not worth her time. Among other complications, there is more emotional bad that will come out of it then the temporary good.

Discuss the importance of condoms and maybe even consider allowing her to go on birth control even once she finds Mr. Right. I know this sounds like you're condoning, but frankly, now that she has started, she will most likely continue to do it with or without your knowledge, so you will want to offer the best usable advice and guidance she is willing to take. Let her know that she can discuss ANYTHING with you and you will never stop loving her.

Ultimately, you should tell her that you may not have an agreeable opinion, but you are offering sound advice so that she can choose to do with it what she wants.

Best of luck and my prayers are with you.

I wouldn't tell your husband just yet. I guess it just depends on how he will take this information. My dad didn't tell my mom at all when i gave up my virginity. I knew my mom would have killed. My first time having sex i was 17yrs old and i know my mom would've rung my neck. So if you know your husband will shoot through the roof me personally i wouldn't tell. I understand you don't want to keep this secret from you husband but somethings are not meant to be told.

First off, I'm amazed your keeping your daughter's STD a secret from your husband/her father. I imagine he will feel extremely betrayed, how can he parent her when you are keeping not just her behavior but the fact that she has a disease from him?

Has she had a pregnancy test? Have you considered helping her birth control (since you feel she is still lying). If you do, I suggest a form that does not need to be taken on a daily basis (as teens are often not good at taking it on time every day).

The fact that she says she needs someone to love her means she needs you AND her father more.

M.,
Tell your husband the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You are both parents to this girl, he has the right to know. Plus when you go to the therapist, it will come out as part of her behavior. He may feel betrayed that he wasn't told sooner.
Do you and your family go to church??

God Bless!
R.

i think your daughter should know that you are going to tell him, otherwise she might lose her confindence in you. you might tell her that he needs to know, and ask whether she wants to tell him or if she wants you to do it.

spend more time with her. take her out with you to do things, let her know that you and your husband care about her and want her to feel good about herself. she's aching for love, and maybe she could get more from home?