Should I Hold My Son Back?

will his behavior be worse if he isn't challenged academically? maybe, maybe not; however, i don't think holding him back would remedy the issues that you described. it is good that he is receiving OT intervention early on. has he been screened to see if he may qualify for other services? early intervention is the key. i would keep him on grade level academically, since he is successful in that area. perhaps, he needs a smaller group setting. he seems to be kinetic and may benefit from differentiated instruction. there are so many research-based interventions for kids like him. the services are there. sometimes we just have to seek them out.

i am a single mother of three: son (10, autistic), 2 daughters (8 and 2). i am a teacher.

As a pediatric OT, you should try and get the opinion of the OT that he works with. They would know best his skill level and how he would do with peers. Like someone else said he can always repeat first grade if he has difficulty. It sounds like he might actually be ready if he is doing fine with his kindergarten school material.

yes, my son had the same issues, best to leave him back! I did! my son now graduated from college, and work for merck for 9 years and now workd for snofi-advanits and makes over 200$ a year. Did I make the right choice! Yes!

I personally wouldn't hold him back. Now I know my situation is different then yours, we adopted our son when he was 6 yrs old and he came to us at age 5. Now cuz of him I am giving you this advice. One thing you can do is make sure your son has an IEP set up at school. A lot of schools will also have special ed classes to help him in the areas he needs it. Check those out. The school my son is in doesn't have special ed classes for his type of disorders so we have to word his IEP differently. My son has a lot of emotional disorders. He will son be 11 yrs old but mentally he is only about 4 yrs old. He is in the 5th grade now. He has people at his school that teaches him his social skills and how to play w/ other kids. You may want to consider something like what I've mentioned. Now I could be off here but I just wanted to mention what I learned w/ my son. Good luck to you.

I personally think that you should do what your inner voice is telling you to do. If you feel he is not ready because of his maturity then keep him back. School is going to be harder if he is always in trouble and isn't challenged academically. I used to be a teacher and I know that even though teachers are supposed to treat each child the same, having a child who acts out and makes the class laugh, it puts a strain on the teacher, your son and on you. I hope this helps L.

From a mom who will be asking that same question next year for my youngest son who has sensory integration issues and is currently in pre school my thoughts are as follows: which scenario would you like to contend with next year? Putting your child in the first grade and possibly dealing with behavioral issues such as teacher notes, phone calls or even principal visits. Or sending your child to kindergarten where the tolerance level of the inability for children to sit down may be slightly higher. An option is to supplement more difficult work at home. Just remember when a child is not challenged appropriately they become bored which can also result in behavior issues. Ultimately, you have to make the call but if your childs current teacher & school director feel that he is ready for first grade academically I would tend to follow their recommendation as they are the educational professionals. Only you know what you are prepared to handle next year. Perhaps meeting with the first grade teacher prior to the beginning of the school year and discussing some of your childs challenges then coming up with a game plan & some alternate activities to combat transition time and his inability to sit down may ward off some problems. Speaking from experience with my older son who does not present with the challenges that my younger son has and is in the second grade I found: He was kindergarten ready and very bored we had to ask the teacher to give him extra work in class so he would not just be sitting there after he finished his work sheets in record time. On a side note my oldest was invited to a lot of birthday parties in Kindergarten. I would often get a birthday card for a 6 year old and more often than not the child was turning 7. I am sure what ever decision you make it will be the right one because you are a supportive parent!

Hi J.!

Speaking as a former elementary school teacher, I would say hold him back. Although he may be doing fine academically in kindergarten, his immaturity may cause him to be unable to focus in first grade. He may become frustrated and begin to act out as well. I've seen many children struggle academically not because they weren't smart enough, but because they couldn't focus on the instruction. Most boys are already very immature and I think that holding him back would give him an opportunity to catch up to the girls and older boys in his class. In the end, trust what is in your heart. Good luck!

Your son and my son sound like the EXACT same child! My son is now in first grade w/ poor fine motor, SID, impulsive behavior, and being silly. He loves to get everyone to laugh!! =-)

Nathan didn't have private kind., so you can definitely do what's best for your son, but here's what we did...

He is the one of the oldest in the class (fall bday) so he wasn't technically "held back"... in public kindergarten he wasn't challenged at all, and he was not in the "top" groups b/c they didn't recognize his intelligence (this will NOT happen with your son!).

In first grade, he was immediately promoted to the top reading group and is with peers who are reading a grade and a half ahead of level! His math group is advanced too, but his math is not nearly the level of his reading.

So for Nathan, he is put in groups to keep his intellect stimulated, but socially he is still a little "silly" and "young." We had to adapt his homework b/c in first grade they require the child to write FIFTY words in one night, and that was painfully slow... now he only has to write 30 and I write in highlighter and he traces it.

For your son, kindergaten could be way too easy, but on the flip side, 1st grade is a HUGE jump... they are writing paragraphs, sentences, doing spelling tests, fractions, etc. They don't have centers anymore, or free play. First grade was very demanding on Nathan had a horrible time transitioning. I made a big stink about the JUMP from K to 1, but all the parents said the same thing... TO help him adjust, they gave Nathan sensory breaks.

Your son is older (summer baby) and has good experience w/ private K... so he could be a different story. Our son has benefited from the extra year of social skills, and has not suffered academically. But go with your gut, and maybe give yourself permission for a "trial" if you want to try first grade...

BEST OF LUCK!

I am a former high school teacher and there is a difference between a 14 and 15 year old freshman boy. My son is also a June birthday and would have been one of the youngest in his class. He also has autism. We opted for a second year of kindergarten and it was a good decision. I would have rather him have another year of kindergarten than repeat say first grade.

Trust your gut and good luck.
S.

Hi J.,

You certainly do have a lot to think about these day. Making a decision about the future of our children is never an easy one. I applaud you for thinking this one through. I am going to give you something else to consider. Bear with me, I am sorry. In this particular situation, I am leaning toward agreeing with your son's teacher. Most classrooms are set up for auditory-sequential learners. Noting quickly what you said about his difficulty with handwriting I am thinking he is a visual-spatial person. Thus, keeping him in kindergarten is not going to help him. Thus, move him along with his peers and check out this website for more info about visual-spatial learners. I am not a diagnostician, but thought one way or another this may be helpful to you. Take care and keep me/us posted on his progress. J.

http://www.gifteddevelopment.com/Visual_Spatial_Learner/v...

My two sons have late bithdays (Nov and Dec) and I had no choice but hold them back. However it was the best thing that happened to my older son. He is very outgoing and loves to be silly and make people laugh. His motor skills were very imature for his age until he started kinder, eventhough he had been attending preschool for over 3 years. I think he really needed to be held back. He is now in second grade and he is above grade level in reading, writing and math. I don't think he would be doing this well if he had started kinder earlier. I know children that had to repeat kindergarten because they were not maturely ready. They have a lot of responsibilities in school and if they are not mature enough they will not succeed. Good Luck!

Hi J.,

I went through the samething with my son and he was in pre-k in a private school that went to 8th grade. His teacher wanted to hold him back because of his maturity level not because of academics at all and I took him out and put him in another christian school where he went to kindergarten and is doing very, very well. He has learned so much more and is so interested in school and will sit still and do his seat work which was a challenge for him at the other school. He still tends to whine during class for no reason at all and his teacher says she know he does it for attention but with her threat of sending him to the weetot class he'll stop. I'm not deciding if I want to send him to another private school to really start his school years because the one he's in now only goes up to kindergarten so this is it for him there and I love this school.

I do feel that by me moving him from that school he was in was the best choice and I didn't have to hold him back at all, he still does have a lot of play in him..not as much at the age of 4 but he is improving and whenever I hear from his teacher that he was whinning in class I tell him that, that is not 5 yr old behavior and that he's a big boy getting ready to go to 1st grade and that usually encourages him to act like a big boy but I understand exactly what you are going through he has a late summer b-day as well and I was told that although he meets the age requirement to go to kindergarten his maturity wasn't there and that I have to realize that he would always be the youngest in class throughout his school years.. that doesn't really bother me.

Although our 3 children were all full-term babies, we too had/have minor speech/language and sensory integration issues with 2 of our children. Truly, school is not just about academics. We must take into account the "total child." We have "held back" our children, also sending them to private kindergarten/daycare in order to do so and they are thriving! It is great that your little boy is so bright! Take into account all of his other wonderful traits and indiosyncrasies, also. Kids grow up so fast and are pushed so hard to succeed, no need to rush into this! Good Luck!

I am a third grader teacher and I find that by the time the kids get to me, those that struggled socially and or academically in the lower grades continue to struggle more. Sometimes it is not all academics but also those other pieces (maturity, social interaction) that help children be most successful. I have a a few children at the moment or were held back b/c of their age or other non academic skills...and they are soaring right now. Likewise I don't see any social conflict because of the age difference.

On the other hand, many children struggle with transitioning, and attention problems and if he is academically strong than what may be best is a child study to see what his current and future teachers can do to meet his needs. He may need more challenge, freedom to move around a little, or a structured routine of tasks so he knows what he is transitioning into and when.

Hope this helps - I can imagine this is a tough decision.

We held our son back and are so glad we did. We sent him to private Christian Pre-K and then on to Kindergarten in Public school. He was an August birthday and is now in first grade. We are so glad we did. He is now a leader in his class and a fluent reader.

One teacher friend told me this.... "You never hear people who held their child back say they were sorry they did... but you hear people say they wish they would of..."

My best friends boy made it to third grade and they decided at that point to hold him back. The public school wouldn't do it because his test scores were good. They pulled him out and sent him to private Christian school where he has excelled.
Hope this helps.

Hi J.,

Speaking from similar experience, I chose to wait to put my twin sons into kindergarten and it was the best thing I ever did. They too were premature, they were born in July but weren't due until August, so already they were a "young" five year old. I have two daughters older than them and it was such a drastic difference in maturity. It was clear that they would need the extra year to gain the maturity they would need. I know many mothers that struggled with this choice with their sons, and I haven't ever heard that anyone was sorry that they had waited, but plenty sorry they hadn't. Good luck!

R.

It definitely sounds like he is ready academically for first grade. Is he a bigger or smaller boy? I know size shouldn't be such an important issue but if he is that much bigger than everyone else in his class, he may feel self conscious. I have a daughter borm in late July and we moved her up to first grade and she is adjusting very well. She is just below the reading level for first grade but she is improving and we are working on it daily and she should be up to reading level soon. A lot can also happen over the summer. He may calm down somewhat. I think whatever decision you make will be a good one. A lot of boys in first grade still have problems keeping still for extended periods of time. I have been in my daughter's first grade classroom and many of the boys still wiggle and squirm and go to the bathroom more often than necessary.

J. - I have a son who was a preemie. He has problems with loose joints in his hands and has trouble in gripping and fine motor skills. I ended up holding him back in kindergarten after letting him try, and him just not being ready. The next year he did fine. He did have some issues that he was able to work through. My son also had trouble with transitions, but with some work and practice he has improved a lot. If the teachers feel that he is ready, I would trust them and give it a try. I know how it feels to want to protect your boy until he is absolutely ready, but let him have a go at it, and he will surprise you ! They are so full of potential and promise of success. One thing for you to do is to keep in constant and daily contact with his teachers so you can work together to help your son succeed. DO NOT LET ANYONE UNDERSELL HIS INTELLIGENCE. This happens sometimes because of social issues, but so not let them do that. Good luck to you. I am certain that he will do very well. I will cross my fingers for you ! Email me if you want to chat ! ____@____.com
N.

You might consider contacting your county school and letting them know your concerns to see if they can analyze him through play and speech to see what their take on it is. I would consider getting as many opinions on this one as possible because if academically he's ready, holding him back may be worse later.

I think I would visit the future school and see what the Kingergarten and first grade are like. I have seen a few private kindergartens that are very small in size and may not follow the same day (not sure about VA, but in MD kindergarten is now full day) of the public kindergartens that tend to be larger in size. You may also want to look at what he is learning and whether you think he would be bored repeating it (ask the public school their opinion). (I visited one private school for may daughter that wanted to put her in private kindergarten when she was turning 5 (fall b-day) then have her repeat public K the next year-put they told me at the end of the year she would be able to read, write sentences,etc, so how bored she would be the following year repeating) I don't think it would hurt to hold him back. I wouldn't worry about the ages too much. We have a 5 by Sept 1 deadline and many kids are missing the deadlines by a few days, so there are lots that are starting kindergarten right as they are turning 6, and plenty of summer birthday boys that are held back also because of immaturity issues. Do some research and then follow your gut.

As a Speech-Language Pathologist, most of the time my recommendation is if the child is doing fine academically but needs another year to "mature", the repeating 1st grade is a better year to repeat because it's actually repeating the solid foundation academics. Repeating Kind. is great if the child has a language delay or hearing impairment, etc. because it's such a language rich environment. As the grades get higher, the "structure" gets higher, hence considering his attention span. Make sense? And most people hold Summer birthday boys back before starting Kind. anyway, so there will be other boys in his class (when he does repeat) that are his age. Be thankful that he is doing well academically & that it's not a "have-to" repeat situation.

Its really your decision. You should go with your gut and whatever path you think will help your child thrive. I wouldn't let the age difference come into play very much. My DD was born in late Oct. and will miss the school cut off for her 'supposed to start' year. She will be six shortly after she starts kindergarten.
M.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but I've had similar issues with my son (who is now 12). The issues with being easily distracted, impulsive and behaving silly to make people laugh are all there. My son has ADHD (diagnosed at age 5), and the decisions on whether or not to hold him back based on socialization issues and whether or not to try meds were really stressful at first. Medication was not the route I wanted to take, nor did I want to push him too hard socially. In the end, he made the decision. I sat him down, put things in perspective for him (no sugar coating)and explained all the options and consequences. I was amazed at how self-aware he was. He knew there were problems and didn't hesitate to let me know he was ready to move forward. Over the years, he has actively been a part of the "team" of teachers, doctors and parents. He still has socialization issues, but it turns out to be more a reflection on his personality than his (dis)ability. He entered the gifted program in school this year (at his urging) and is finding the change difficult, but he's managing. My only advice is let your son's voice be heard. If he's ready to move forward, he'll let you know. If he's not ready, he'll let you know that too. If nothing else, it will give him a sense of control in dealing with an issue that is uniquely his. I hope this helps a little bit.

I am not sure where you are living, but my son is in KG in Howard County and although he does not have any known disabilities, he definitely would love to be the class clown. He has finally settled down through discipline. The more you integrate him, the better the chance the behavior has of disappearing. I have found the school system to be wonderful. My son has several children with behaviorial, physical and emotional challenges in his classes and I do feel that the school system addresses these issues and works with the family and the children to improve. I am happy to see the improvement and learning of all the children in his class and am most impressed with their successes. The teachers will be sure to let you know the next step if they feel there is no forward movement. They were sure to inform me and give me "homework" with my son. Best of luck and don't be afraid. You may be surprised at the successes you son will master. I was. Another option is to consider a prefirst program in a private school. Glenelg offers one and accepts new students for it. Mcdonagh offers one but only for the children already in kg. It is 1st grade academics but with extra attention to help with maturity levels. I looked into it for my son, but found that he was progressing just fine where he was.

J.,
It's great to see all the responses you've gotten! My (older) brother was in a very similar situation-according to my mom but she and my dad pushed him forward into the 1st grade. He's always been extremely intelligent and did very well in school academically; however, he always struggled socially especially b/c he didn't hit his growth spurt until late high school. He was always picked on for being so small and lacked social skills. 30 some years later, he still struggles with self-confidence today -who knows why. He makes more money that the rest of us and is very successful, good-looking, etc.
By the time I came along and had yet again similar issues as your son, my parents held me back. I don't even remember it but again my mom has her stories. :0) I was extremely impulsive and behind in maturity, etc. I did great in school! I loved school, was in all the honors classes (not gifted, my brother got most of the brains in our family!!!!) and graduated with honors from both high school and college.
As a middle school/high school teacher I'd suggest you look at the long run. I think it is better to have the boy at the older end of the spectrum later on than the younger, for many reasons, physically, emotionally and academically. There are many great gifted programs and honors programs that he could get involved in later on. Kids need to be kids and enjoy their childhoods, they go by too fast. Just my thoughts. You have much to consider, best of luck!

My youngest son's birthday is the end of August. He went to Head Start for pre-school and then to Kindergarten. I wish we had held him back in preschool. He is in 4th grade now and his small motor skills are still lagging and it takes him longer to do things than other kids in the class. Now that he's in 4th grade, we (me, hubby, teacher and administration) feel that it would be best to let him keep going, but he gets extra help so he can catch up. He is improving, but I believe life would have been easier on him if we had kept him back. You know what's best for your child, but from what you said, it sounds like another year in his grade will help him mature and hone his skill.
Best of luck!

J., you did not mention whether or not you plan to send him to public or private school. I think you should let him move on to 1st grade if you are keeping him in a private school. Smaller classes and more individualized attention. He will probably be more challenged and usually they have very strong focus on reading. I think the younger children will foster immaturity and yes when children are bored they tend to be more of a distraction in the classroom. If public school is your choice, plead to get him in the smallest class possible and hopefully there will be an assistant as well as a teacher who can engage him and challenge him as well as deal with his issues. You will have to be assertive and visible.

J. O,

I myself wouldn't do it, but you may feel differently when around your son. My son was having the very same issues as your son as soon as he started kindergarten this year (fine motor skills/writing/behavior issues) and we were told by the teachers that he has Autism. (not saying that your child does), but the point is.. they have been working w/ him one on one for a few hours a week, (outside of the regular classroom.. after several IEPs) and he is doing so much better.. If fact, he is now writing BETTER than the other students (which I was surprised to find) so, the extra help from his LD, Occupational Therapist Teacher, etc. have really made a difference. I was held back in 1st grade myself, and I suffered for it the rest of my life. Others who went on to the next grade always made fun of me (and I was only left back because of being too young, and born in the fall), so I always felt like I was stupid and others told me so.. not true. My son IS going to pass to the 1st grade this year, due to the extra help.

Just my opinion, but think about it some more. I am sure he'll catch up w/ the others soon. It's just kindergarten.. and they are putting way too much on this kids these days! :)

i am sure you'll make the right decision.

J. C.

I am also the mom of 2 fun little boys!

>Will his behavior be worse if he isn't challenged academically?

I think so. If the teachers are okay with him going to first grade, he should be challenged or he may not
sit still for sure. I'm home schooling my 6 year old because he will be bored if he had to do kindergarten
this year. Instead I could teach him 1st grade English and 2nd grade Math which he loves.

When I told him that he can go to school but they will not teach him 2nd grade because of his age/birthday, he was not interested in going to school because it will be boring.

> he also occasionally gets in trouble for impulsive behavior or trying to be silly and make people laugh.

It doesn't get any better by you holding him back a grade. It may be just his personality. My son does it too.

About 10 yeas ago, I had the opposite problem from yours. My daughter was doing okay academically, but she was "young" mentally and the teacher wanted to hold her back one grade. I didn't think that was a good idea, so we homeschooled her for 7+ years. When I put her back in school, she was fine.

I have no boys so this is not my experience, but I am married to a boy who was held back (twice, maybe, he and his older brother got pushed ahead and then held back all kinds of times due to move and funny birthdates and etc.). I agree with the thought that most who hold back are not sorry, but many who don't wish they did. This is also coming from my mother and mother-in-law who have been teachers for a combined ridiculous number of years. Our oldest girl will turn 6 in November of Kindergarten, so I don't think you should worry about kids younger than him - he'll just team up with a kid like mine (older, and beyond her years in functioning) and they'll "rule". ;-) You can ask his teacher to add some enrichment work to his current load (even to do at home) and then evaluate in a month (I know registration is underway most places now). Maybe your OT can give you their thoughts? Early reading always seems impressive, but as my mother said, "Early reading is still just reading." Her point was that reading won't be inhibited by mostly anything, but those other pieces of "readiness" might need some more time. I have tons of stories from friends (of their kids) and friends who teach (multiple grades), so let me know if you want 'em, but after hearing them all, I would think that your original plan of "real" kindergarten next year is the best way to go. Maybe if you try first grade you can do it in a place that is flexible to put him back in Kindergarten part-way through the year if necessary or will let him stay back to repeat in first grade again if necessary? Hope this helps. Good luck.

I definitly thinking holding him back will help in the long run. Even though he may be okay right now academically, socially in the long run he will be much better off. Our son turned 5 October 1 2007 and we are holding off sending him too. He is smart but the way boys mature is different than girls- When he is in HS I rather him be at the older end than the younger. Giving your son one more year of less pressure and not all day sitting will be great for him.
I am a stay at home mom now but was and will go back to teaching Elementary Physical Education, mu hubby is a HS math teacher so we have seen the age problem at both ends and that is why we have chose to hold our son back.
Hope that helps.
Also believe that if you pray to God he will lead you in the right direction :-)