Should I Have This Baby or Not? Do I Trust How I Am Feeling Right Now?

Updated on August 12, 2009
K.F. asks from Bayville, NJ
69 answers

I need some opinions and personal experiences!! Please, no negative judgments or “pro-lifers” w/ God comments. Background: I am 34 years old and have three kids already. A 12 year old boy, a 6 year old girl, and a 3 year old girl. My first pregnancy had no problems other than my son being very sick when he was born w/ an Upper Resp. Infection and Colic. However, it took me a very long time to get preg. w/ my 2nd due to infertility issues. After my 3rd IVF, we finally got preg w/ my daughter. A very scary pregnancy w/ a lot of issues, but a healthy baby!! I was told I would never get pregnant on my own. Well, a year later, got pregnant again and had my 2nd daughter (3rd child). Well, she is almost four and now I am preg. Again. I really don’t want to be. I begged my doctor to put my on a stronger pill, but he refused because of my history w/ cancer. Finally, he tried something different and that wasn’t good enough and here I am. I guess its my fault and I should have taken extra precautions. Anyway, I am a working mother who goes to school at night to finish my degree. I love my kids w/ all my heart…but I just don’t think I can do this. I don’t have the room, we are not financially okay right now, I threw everything out (maternity clothes, baby clothes, everything), I am stressed to high hell now w/ my kids, my son has a lot of issues that we are dealing w/ that I just couldn’t imagine adding another baby to this stress level. Everything I am thinking is leaning towards not having it. I don’t do well in delivery. I had my second c-section and my incision opened and I was bed ridden. They put my on Zanac to calm me down, but all I did was sleep. It was horrible. My husband wants to have this baby, but is VERY supportive of my decision. I don’t want to be “that” mom. That person w/ FOUR kids. I don’t think I can handle it. Ive always tossed around the idea, but only because I was getting older!! I am feeling nothing but negative thoughts. Does that mean then I should trust those thoughts? I am thinking that I know myself. That I may resent this baby for making me put school on hold once again. I don’t want to take anymore time away from my kids then I already have. I also don’t want to hear the judgements of having 4 kids. My middle one has middle child syndrome no matter what I do w/ her. I am just at a loss for what to do. I really don’t think I will regret it. I am pro-choice and believe in abortions for reasons like this and others. I will not even read anyone who gets nasty w/ me. I am looking for positive advice. NO NEGATIVE JUDGEMENTS PLEASE. I am close to locking myself in a room and crying for the rest of my life. Has anyone been in this situation??? (FYI: Adoption is NOT an option)

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all your responses. I think I am going to keep the baby. I think I am just really scared of losing myself. Three kids was hard to deal with, but four!! I dont know anyone with four. It kills me that I would even have to tell people that. I dont know why I am so hung up on this number. I feel like people will think I am homely and do not deserve respect (in the business world). That kills me. I have fought hard to get where I am. I shouldnt care, but I do. Thank you all for your responses.

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E.M.

answers from New York on

Sounds like you're not "asking for advice" so much as "asking for permission" -- go ahead. You sound like a stress case- not good for a baby.

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R.S.

answers from New York on

It's really your decision K.. Go with your gut. There is nothing wrong with terminating the pregnancy early on. This is a private matter between your spouse and yourself. If you feel your family is complete based on a lot of factors, then that is fine. Also, you are only 34, that is young. Should you decide to have another child down the road (when things are more stable) you do have that option. Good luck with your decision and do what you think is right for you and your family and NOT what others think or say!

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N.D.

answers from Albany on

I will not be nasty with you. :) I do believe that everything happens for a reason though. I have a friend who was in the same predicament (4th child was an accident) and she could not believe she was going to have another baby. She had the baby and now doesn't regret it. She is a beautiful girl with curly hair unlike all the others. I used to be a career woman and it took me a long time to get out of that mindset and change into mommy mode. I would stress myself out, even after I quit work, to do my own businesses because I was so used to working. After I let go of the working mindset and focused on my son, I have been much happier. Jobs will come and go. School will ALWAYS be there. This time in your childrens' lives will not. I believe that once you change the priorities from school to your family, a lot of the stress will go away. I was resenting my son a lot and pushing him away from the computer before. Now I am usually only on the computer when he is asleep. Being a mom is not an easy job. All the maternity clothes and baby clothes will be provided for you, if not at a thrift store. I am not paying your bills and it is good that your husband is understanding. The decision is up to you two ultimately but I think the question you need to ask is...when you have that degree in your hand, what will you have sacrificed for it? I have a 4 year degree. No child, or any time away from your family is worth it in my opinion. You just can't put a price on family. Best wishes to you. My vote is to have your baby and truly feel the love for it and the reason that it is in your life. Maybe this is life's way of telling you to slow down and smell the roses a little more and that maybe school just isn't what you should be doing right now. Hugs to you. Sincerely, N. PS I live in upstate NY and I know LOTS of families with 4 children or more! You are not doing anything wrong by having 4 children. You are just living life and having a family, that's all. Nothing to be ashamed of.

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N.H.

answers from New York on

Hello my dear. It seems you have made up your mind and want some outside entity to tell you you're right. You getting pregant is a medical mystery you having this baby is a miracle. I think you know the RIGHT answer it just is going to be difficult, not what you planned and throws you off. I wish you happiness luck and no regret and your decission.
Sincerely,
N.

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S.D.

answers from Albany on

I just want to wish you good luck and much happiness. Life is so hard. I'm amazed by some of the stories people shared with you. People go through so much. Let's all remember that and care for one another regardless of our differences and our selfish interests. That's something we all should teach our little ones. ((Hugs))

H.V.

answers from Jamestown on

I have a sister who had an abortion once...and she regrets it. I don't recommend abortion for anyone, because you can't take it back. But if you feel you can't have another child...I would recommend adoption. there are people who would love to adopt and give your baby a loving home. I wish you and your family much love and peace. hugs

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P.C.

answers from New York on

You have already received some fantastic advice, and I am glad you have decided to have your fourth child. I have three, now grown, and always wished we could have had four, but it wasn't to be. I have two neighbors who each have four children. They are very active families with supportive dads and children who each have jobs to do around the house so the moms aren't trying to do it all. My thoughts are with you. Keep on relying on the great moms in mamasource!

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M.B.

answers from New York on

Hi K.
my opinion is you should have the baby. if you really didn't want to have this child it wouldn't be open for discussion. Sounds like you're looking for permission for how you're feeling... your scared and overwhelmed it's very understandable.

But deep down if you really don't think you can do this then don't, know matter what anyone says... you know what your capable of.

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K.P.

answers from New York on

You are making a good choice. The idea of four is overwhelming, but in the end it doesn't sound like you would be okay with terminating a pregnancy. I have not personally gone through it, but several friends have and it is life-changing. For their own reasons it was the best decision at that time, but they get very emotional around the due dates and have had difficult times explaining to spouses, etc.

Make sure you talk with your doctor about having a tubal ligation, especially if you are going to have another c-section!

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B.C.

answers from Rochester on

K., I, too, was going to encourage you to keep this baby. The guilt would be overwhelming and ruin you inside. So, I'm glad you're "leaning" that way :)
Anyway, I just wanted to respond to your comments on having four kids. I have five and the last one was the same as your 4th. I was mad and angry at my husband (and 41 years old, I might add) who had put off having a vasectomy. Now that she is here, I can't imagine life without her. I work full time and have earned the respect of many in my organization. It is always funny to hear the comments when someone finds out I have five kids -- they can't believe it. It is almost like their respect for me increases with knowing that.
Hold your head high and be proud of your beautiful family!!
Thanks for "listening", B.

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J.M.

answers from New York on

I'm glad to hear you have decided to keep the baby. It's nice to know someone else who will have 4 kids. I'm expecting my 4th in just a few short weeks and know exactly how you feel. Only a few short weeks after I found out I was pregnant my 2yr. old suffered what was thought to be a seizure in an airport before a vacation. Since that time it has been trips to neurologists and developmental pediatricians. He has been diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder and is receiving early intervention. I went through so much guilt about being pregnant because I felt I was taking away from my son. I have since realized that this baby is a blessing and my son is doing well. He continues to progress and I realized that being pregnant hasn't changed what I can do for him. In fact most people are in awe of how I am getting everything done. My older children are 6.5 and 4 so I'm really busy but I wouldn't change it for anything. As for having four you will come across some who are shocked but I'm finding more and more people who are impressed. It is hard to find a family who has 4 kids now a days and I think that is why more and more people are looking up to us. Of course there will be tough times ahead but it will all be worth it. Good luck.

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N.G.

answers from New York on

i feel that you were given this baby for a reason- many people i know who have terminated pregnancies or stopped at 3 regret it later on in life because of the joys that each child ultimately brings to a family. it is a learning experience for the siblings as well and truly a gift.

C.B.

answers from New York on

It sounds like you are having a very hard time with this. There are so many things I could address but first let me say, as I do to anyone asking for life altering advice on here. This is not the place. If this pregnancy is sending you into a depression please seek a councilor so you can make your decision with a sound mind.
I would also consider how this will actually affect your husband, if he says he wants the baby, but will support an abortion... only one can be true. Try to sort that out.
Lastly I want to share my experience. I have had an abortion but unlike I was assured, I was not ok. It took me years to heal from the pain that I never imagined I could feel. I had lots of support for my decision and had a very pro-choice perspective. It didn't make any sense but I suffered dearly. No matter your choice please do so with a sound mind. If you choose abortion and find you suffer know you are not alone and I would gladly share my steps to healing.

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J.D.

answers from Rochester on

Hi K.,
First I want to say I really admire you for acknowledging your fears and then asking advice on Mamasource. That took a lot of courage. I want you to know that being a mom and wife is the HARDEST and MOST IMPORTANT job you will ever have! I can appreciate you wanting to finish school, but ask yourself, is the schooling taking away from your three kids? I know you mentioned working full time as well. No wonder you are stressed out! Your babies will be grown up before you know it and then you will have all kinds of free time to get degrees or pursue personal interests.

If you are this upset, I suggest not making any rash decisions at this point. Maybe you should talk to a counselor/pastor/or other professional with experience in this area.

I just want you to know that giving what you are as a mom is precious, unique, beautiful and amazing! I'm sure your kids love you and would fully support your new addition. (I am not telling you what to do but I think you can guess my opinion)Meditate/pray on it and go with your GUT/HEART instinct! And as for anyone who judges someone with four kids or more, they are truly the one with the problem. Children are a gift not a liability.

Warm wishes and prayers,
J.

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K.C.

answers from New York on

Hi,
I have some indirect experience: had an abortion in my 20s - don't regret it, had an 18 wk. miscarriage at 35 - broke my heart, had 3 surgeries subesequent to the miscarriage to correct fertility issues, have a beautiful 11 yr. old boy who is the light our our lives, and I was adopted as an infant by a wonderful family. And I work with families for a living.
So, I can't tell you what you should do. I will say that you must recognize that either decision is irreversible once made. Sorry, but that is fact. However, this can help you in the long run if you can manage to go forward with your choice with 100% confidence that no matter what the future brings, you will and can handle it; and even more - live it with joy. Some of my aforementioned "experience" had nothing to do with my choice, however, somehow I have been able to make the choice to use these circumstances to strengthen my resolve to live positively, live in the moment with great faith in myself and in our future. Part of this comes from deciding that I don't really care what others think or say about me. I believe that, unless a person has an organic or chemical imbalance, they can make decisions and choices like this. If regret ever begins to creep up on you, you must stare it down and know that you cannot change your past choices - you can only let them inform the present and nourish your future. Your real decision is: deciding whether or not you can act without crippling regret. I think you can - because you are blessed; with free choice, a sharp mind, and a loving heart. And you are beloved; by your family, yourself, and God a.k.a. Love (whether you know it or not).

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C.F.

answers from New York on

Hi K.. I don't really have any advice, I just want to show some support. It sounds like it must be a terribly hard situation you are in... Maybe making a list might help? pros and cons kind of thing about having versus not havingn the baby. I, too am pro-choice and feel it is your decision to make, along with your husband... I dont' think people will react negatively toward you if you have 4 children. what makes you think that? Some people want large families and that's great. others don't and that's fine too. Again, this is your decision to make. good luck and let us know how it works out for you and your family...

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V.M.

answers from New York on

I think you and your husband should write down pros and cons and see what you both think then. There is no reason for your to put school on hold - hubby can watch a baby as wellas you can. Ultimately only you can make this choice, just don't rush - either way its a permanent choice. Good luck in whatever you choose. PS - who cares what other people think of how many children you have!

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L.M.

answers from New York on

Ok.....I know you said adoption is not an option, but just wanted to say that my best friend has been trying to have a baby for 5+ years now (she is desperate, even asking me to have one for her, but I'm pretty sure I'm too old for it to work naturally). If you even think you MAY like to have it and give it away, she would be MORE THAN INTERESTED in giving it a GREAT, LOVING home with her husband of 10+ years. I can be contacted at either ###-###-#### or [email protected]____.com.

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A.F.

answers from New York on

K.-
you are stuck betweena rock and a hard place. i also have 3 kids and know where you are coming from. i don't think i could have another one either. all my pregnancies were complicated and stressfull and my last one i had to have an emergency c-section and they could not get the second twin out so had to do an extra large incision and i did have complications with the wound healing too and had to have a visiting nurse come for a month! that being said, my last pegnancy was using fertility drugs and i ended up pregnant with 5 embryos. two doctors recommeded that i "reduce" ie. abort 3 embryos. they said if i went with all five i would not give birth to a live baby. i did what they recommended and "reduced" the embryos from 5 to 2. i did end ou having complications with the twins and almost lost one, so i feel that the doctors made the right recommendation and i did teh right thing. However, i will ALWAYS regret it. even though i know it was the right thing, it tears my heart out. this is a tough one and whatever decision you make there will be consequences. good luck.

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M.C.

answers from Binghamton on

I know you already said you think you are keeping the baby...but I just wanted to add something. I am jealous that you are having baby number 4. :) I have 3 and would love to have 4!!! My husband doesn't want another (I had 4 misscarriages before getting my number 3, and he doesn't want any more misscarriages for me.) I grew up with 3 siblings and I think nothing but wonderful things about large families!!!! Go for it! Who cares what other people think about you having 4! They are probably just jealous also :) I have several friends who have 3 and even 4 kids and it is only a blessing to have that much love in your house! My sister has a very busy life with her 5 kids, but I don't see that much difference between my 3 and her 5. You will be fine!!! You will never regret it! I just hope you are happy with what decision you make! I see sooo much love from my older children towards our baby, that I never dreamed they would show! Your kids just might surprise you also! I pray for happiness for you and your family (with any decision you make!)

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R.E.

answers from New York on

read what you worte. you answered your own question. go with your gut, that why it's called your 'gut instinct'.

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M.S.

answers from New York on

Based on reading your statement, it sounds like you already know what the right decision is for you and your family. It is not an easy decision to make and truthfully either way you will be facing serious consequences (guilt over not having this baby or frustration/ guilt of having it). No one can really tell you what to do and in the end no one will be able to ease the pain of the decision you have to make. It sounds like you have already realized how much having this baby will impact you, your marriage, and your children. If you decide to keep the baby, you have to realize that the negativity of the overwhelming situation will also impact this baby. You don't want a child to come into this world feeling like a burden or begrudgingly kept, it will only cause more problems in the end. If you don't keep the baby, please make sure that you are seeking some outside counseling to deal with the grief and guilt you will inevitably feel. You sound like a great mom and making a decision not to have this baby may cause you to question how great you are with your other kids. Again, while no one can tell you what to do (how great would that be?) know that deep down you know the best thing to do regardless of how others may see it. It is not their burden to carry so their opinion should not weigh into your decision. Best wishes.

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T.Q.

answers from Albany on

Adoption could be a great option. Why are you so against it? There are so many great parents out there who can't have one of their own. Think of how you would have felt if your fertility issues did not allow you to have ANY kids? The hormones are probably making things worse for you right now... take a little more time to think of your options. I am not trying to make you feel worse, but think of how you might feel for the rest of your life if you were to terminate the pregnancy. Is it really something you could live with? It sounds like you have a supportive family.... keep your options open and make sure you are 100% sure of your decision before you make it. Best wishes.

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R.K.

answers from Buffalo on

K., this decision is something that you have to decide on for yourself... If you feel that its better to terminate the pregnancy and you have support, go ahead with it. it is very obvious that you are a person that does not let others judgement affect you so it is something that you will be able to handle. the only thing that i would suggest is to talk to your dr or someone about the way you are feeling to make sure these feelings are not coming from the hormone change. the last thing you want to do is to live with regret..best of luck to you, you will do whats right!! if you need to talk to someone who will NEVER pass judgement send me a message.

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C.G.

answers from New York on

K., Only you can know what you can and can't handle. If your husband is supporting you no matter what, you should both come to the decision together. No one can give you advise because no one walks in your shoes. I'm sorry I am of no help and probably made you feel more alone in your decision than ever. Hang in there. And a mothers instinct is usually best. take care.

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K.H.

answers from Utica on

Hi K.
Edited to say: now you know someone with 4 kids and I will tell you I know people with 6 & 7.
I am so glad to hear you too chose to keep the baby. Life is fun when you take what comes your way.
I want to share my story.
I was 39, our oldest away in his first year of college, my husband was changing jobs, and we were moving to a new house. Stress personified right? Not yet we had an 8th grader, who as the school year began had a hit at soccer practice and well in the end was totally incapacitated for about a year. When I started having female issues I thought I was menopausal or sick, we had sure had enough stress.
It is a long story, but although everyone said that they would abort, & the OB gave me that option, we decided to go through with the pregnancy. The OB then did an ultrasound and said no baby, well, our son was in hospital with the head injury so I decided to just wait it out. About 3 weeks later, another OB in the office ordered a repeat ultrasound before scheduling the D&C. When I told the tech that is what I was there for she said, hold on here is baby A and baby B, my girls were born 3 weeks early, after a week's hospital stay & 19 weeks of complete bed rest healthy and strong. 5#11oz and 6#8oz.
I would have been an old lady by now had it not been for them. I homeschooled them, instead of going to senior citizens. I led 4H instead of sitting in the rocking chair waiting for our sons to come home(they don't, they live across the country).
K. -- SAHM married 38 years -- adult children 38,coach; 33, lawyer married with son; and twins 19Today the girls are 19 and in college. One for journalism -- she commutes and has a 3.7 GPA,she is the nanny for our only grandson this summer; the other a fine arts major--she lives on campus and has a 3.8 GPA--she is on staff at the autism house this summer.
May God bless you as you make a decision.

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C.Z.

answers from New York on

Hi K.,

I am sure this is a very difficult time for you. The only thing I would caution is cutting out your husband's feelings in the process. While yes, it is your body, it is your and your husband's child. I would actually suggest talking to someone about all your feelings prior to doing anything.

I am a pro-lifer and will not get into that philosophical diatribe right now.

I appreciate that you did not want to be judged, however, I am a mother of four and do not feel I am looked at like "THAT" mother, and if you do not want to be judged, you should not judge others.

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T.M.

answers from Utica on

I am glad you are going to keep the baby. I did not post because I am pro life and christian and you said you did not want to hear from us for an opinion. But, my little sister is now pregnant for her 4th child and there are a lot of professionals out there that have many children. My sister in laws, not only were professionals, the two main ones never gave birth, they both adopted 10 children, some with special needs. Joey is autistic, Ellis is bi polar, Claudia is bi polar. They did not adopt them knowing all of this, but the situations arose and they worked with them. Krikit was ADHD, she out grew it though. Maybe you should start a group for Professional Mom's of four. That would give you an outreach to share and gleen advise. you could advertise it on mama source. If you have not found one yet, sign up for your local freecycle group. you can give and recieve items free. www.freecycle.org

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J.D.

answers from New York on

I just read your post and then went right to your "what happened" response before getting a chance to read what others wrote. I am in no way close to your position but I wanted to tell you that my sister has FOUR kids - all girls! WHOA!!! (I only have a toddler boy) LOL. She'll joke around with me and say 4 kids is nothing - any number after two and its all the same chaos really! ha haa! Oh yeah and my sons teacher has 3 girls and she's a few years younger than me. We were talking one day and she said they are going to try for a 4th probably within the next year. My sisters best friend has 4 kids too. Just wanted to let you know there ARE people out there with four kids so its not entirely a crazy thing.

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M.S.

answers from New York on

reading your letter it sounds like the answer is obvious but you may need others to say its ok. If having a fourth child is not right for you or your family then it is okay and let go of the guilt ( which is easier said then done)
This will be a lifetime commitment that will forever change the lives of all in your family. This is a very personal decison and no one can choos for you or tell you right or wrong it is what is best for you and your family. If you can have others support and helping lighten the load then great but if all falls on you, your hands are full now and so is your family. Please dont listen too much to others as you really have to sit with yourself and imagine both scenarios realistically not what if. this child may be perfectly healthy, but it is up to you if you want to add another to your family. It is alot of realistic and personal moral things to weigh out. If you are okay with not having the baby and your husband can support that that is ok too. You can slway do school in a few years as well. no one can judge. look within and then talk to your spouse once you have decided what is right for you. good luck to you!

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L.L.

answers from New York on

Dear K.,

I can't give you a definitive answer on this as ultimately you must do what is best for you. Considering what you have expressed, it sounds like you already made the decision and are looking for support in that decision. You have listed many reasons why you don't want to have this child but I didn't read a reason why you wanted this child. There obviously must be at least one otherwise you wouldn't be beating yourself over the head with this.

I have never been in your shoes so I won't pretend that I have. No judgements here. Look, I love being a mom and even with just one child, it's a handful. With 3, I can hardly imagine the difficulties of keeping it all together, financially and otherwise.

Please don't judge this pregancy based on problems you have had with others in the past but have a conversation with your doctor about any forseeable complications so you can make a clearheaded decision.

I know you said your husband wants this baby but is supportive if you choose not to have it. Has he offered any resolution finance wise? How supportive is the rest of your family, both yours and his? Are your children aware that you are pregnant? If so, what have they said?

The only thing that I can really offer to tell you to look deep down into your heart for the answer. If you feel that terminating the pregnancy is the best avenue for you, your family AND your unborn child than that is the route you should go. However, this is a decision that once followed through with, cannot be reversed so you must be 100% sure or you will come to regret is later on. There is no easy road whichever path you choose. Psychologically, an abortion can be very traumatizing even with the couseling afterwards.

I am pro-choice but personally, if ever faced with the decision I don't know if I could go through with it. But that's me and I make no judgements on anyone that does (unless of course it's late term). I know I probably haven't been very helpful but it sounded as if you needed feedback and fast.

Be well, whatever way you choose.

S.M.

answers from New York on

Dear K.,

You have a very difficult decision to make, I am sure that you will do what is best for you and your family. I know that you have a limited amount of time before you have to make a decision. I would suggest that you find a therapist who is pro-choice to help you work through your feelings. When you call for an appointment let them know you need to talk immediately.
Best,
Sarah

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J.S.

answers from New York on

The fact is my dear that your life and body is yours, however even if your husband wants the baby, the stark reality is YOU deliver, YOU feed(if breastfeeding), YOU nurture...get the picture?? a lot WILL fall on YOU and with your other children demanding attention it can get hard. Try talking to a counselor, someone who has had kids and then talk about it again with your husband and look at all of the facts without being too emotional.
A thought to keep in mind though...the guilt after the fact (if you choose abortion) is an issue you need to also think hard about.
Good Luck
J. S

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C.J.

answers from New York on

K.,
I feel for you, I am six months pregnant with my second child and even though we planned it at times I have felt that maybe we made a bad choice. I think of all the expense that we have now and all the extra expense that we will have once the baby comes-the truth is that there were times when I was depressed (and didn't know it)I thought about not having this baby or my first one. I went through a range of emotions and insecurities. I worried about not having enough money which I still worry about, I worried about being abel to be a good mom ect...which is normal and it is also normal to feel as if you don't want this baby. I have stayed home with my first daughter for three years now, I have tried to go back to work many times, and its always been that the daycare gets a huge chunk of my earnings,so I have embraced spending time with my daughter and finishing up my degree on line. I stopped worrying about what other people say or think, and it is hard at times. I took out a loan for my education and stopped worrying about paying for it out of pocket which I have always pride myself in doing-I just let go and found other alternatives-which you can do too. You want to finish your degree DO SO!!! find a way to do it-there is always a way!! please don't give up. I am also prochoice, I have had two abortions in the past and I do regret it-at that time I thought it was necessary but believe me looking back on it on now I could have found a way to make it-it would have been hard but what isn't hard? You will always have bills, you will always have people labeling you no matter what, you will always have doubts-are you getting any help with the kids from your husband or any other family member? Is there any way that maybe you can talk to a professional? maybe a church person? no I am not a religious freak! some churches (other than the catholic church)offer counseling for free, you need to talk to a professional about how you feel because it sounds to me that you could be depress, overwhelmed and of course unsure-and it is okay-you are not alone-I pray that you will make the right decision for you and your family. The best of luck.
C.

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B.C.

answers from New York on

I know I am way late I had trouble resetting my password. I was in your same situation well only it was my third not fourth. I decided not to have the baby, yes I felt guilt and continue to feel guilt however I do not, do not regret my decision. I have two amazing daughters who are close in age and I have been able to give them everything that I want them to have. This is not just about material things it's also about giving them a sane me. Sane because I don't have to make choices that I would have had to if I had another child and those choice would have effected me in the long run. I have also been able to continue to move forward in my career which I know for sure would not have happened if I had a third. My children are in a pricy private school which I would not have been able to continue if I had another child, I am going back to school which would not have been the case if I had a third. I just did not want to sacrifice my daughter's education and possibly their future for an accident that occured when it shouldn't have. I was on the patch and I was in the 1% category of women that the patch fails them. You have to do what is right for you and only you know what is right and when your plate is full. Yes I long for another child I long to have my son, however I am thankful for what I have and I do not regret my decision. I am 35 and maybe after school, maybe after my promotion I will be in a better place but now was not the time, not for me anyway. Good luck to you whatever you choose this is not an easy decision.

D.D.

answers from New York on

You need to do what's best for you and your family so speak with your hubby and make the decission together. It's no one's business how many children you have. For some 1 is more than they can handle and other's seem to raise 8 without an issue. {{hugs}} to you and your family as you go through this.

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S.L.

answers from Binghamton on

You don't know me from Eve but I really feel for you. If you can, take some time for some personal reflection, away from kids and husband. Get some counseling from an abortion provider or therapist if you can. An impartial ear can be very helpful in making these kinds of decisions. I fully and unequivically support whatever decision you make. Trust what your gut and heart tell you.

Best of luck

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Z.C.

answers from New York on

You have to do what is best for you and your family. I sounds like you are successfully parenting your existing children and will probably be able to parent this fourth child and continue to work on your personal goals. It is up to you, you have nothing to prove. Maybe you should consider tying your tubes if you are sure you dont wnat anymore.

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S.K.

answers from Buffalo on

I am also a pro-choice and felt the need to respond although I was never in your situation.

Some things to think about:

Do your kids know that you are pregnant and how will you deal with it if they know and you do have an abortion...how will they feel.

Your husband wants the baby, but it is your decision...will he eventually resent you and then cause you marriage problems down the road or is he REALLY that supportive?

You are in a very hormornal state right now, maybe you should write down pros/cons if you have not already done so.

I have never had an abortion myself, but I have two good friends that did. They both have had regret afterword, something to seriously think about, as I have had numerous conversations with them to help them though their regret.

School can always wait a little longer. If your husband want to have the child and you do agree, try to get him to help more after the baby is born so that you do not have to miss too much school and can get back to it right away. (I have worked FT and gone to school both FT anf PT at night for an MBA, so I do know ho demanding it is)

It is no ones business how many kids you have..it is between you and your husband and if you decide to have four, be prepared to stand up for yourself and tell people to MYOB. I only have one due to medical conditions of my own and I am always having to tell people to MYOB about having one child, of course, I do calmly.

I wish you lots of luck and careful decision making as you have a very difficult decision to make...Most importantly whatever the decision, make sure you do not live with REGRET by either keeping or aborting the child.

I know I did not give you an answer, but it is not my decision, it is yours and your husbands. I just hope I gave you some good thoughts to help with your decision.

About me: I am 39, a FT working mom to a 3.5 year old daughter, married to a wonderful husband.

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S.M.

answers from New York on

I am a full-time working mother of 3 very active children. My husband and I always joke about having another (so we got a dog instead). But, as much as a hardship a 4th child would bring, it would be nothing compared to the guilt of not having this child and a brother or sister for your children. It doesn't matter that you don't have the room or that you gave away all of your baby stuff. That can all be replaced. As experienced parents you will only get what you need and not all the baby fluff. If you have a strong family foundatoin, you can all share in household responsibilities and even changing the baby! Having a child is something that you are experienced in and will have to make some adjustments. I suggest having a "family meeting" and letting everyone know that it will take everyone's help in running the household and even have them choose the chores for themselves. Good luck to you!

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A.H.

answers from New York on

I am an adoptive mom.. because of someone that couldn't add another child to their home.. but blessed me with their child.. who i love dearly. I know you said adoption is out.. that's ok. What about talking to places that can help you out.. like with stuff "crib, car seat even food if need be." Their are alot of places to help you out.. they can also help you deal with 3 children and maybe even 4. You might still consider the abortion.. but can you live with that? these are only questions you can answer. I wouldn't want you to fall apart later on. I know it seems hard.. but seek out help if you decide to stay with this. Talk to a guidance couselor at school... they should be able to help you.. call a nearby church.. they canhelp you find the help you need if you decide to have this baby. Talk to your children.. ask them what if ?? see what advice they give you... don't tell them you are.. just ask what if you decided to have another child.. how would they feel?? would they help you out?? talk it over.. make sure your husband is really on board with your decision.. and that he won't get mad later on with your decision?? some night schools have babysitting.. or financial help.. I hope you make it work for you whatever you do.. and I hope they whatever you decide that you are happy.. and that your family makes it!! good luck.. love ya... allie

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D.S.

answers from New York on

I know how you are feeling right now and I felt the same way about one of my pregnancies. I suggest you give yourself a chance to digest everything before you make such an important decision. I in no way no how wanted another baby and went so far as to go to a clinic for a consult when I found out. Once I got there I knew I couldn't go through with terminating my pregnancy. I am so happy that I didn't. I was a single mother for a short while after a terrible divorce and swore I would never have another baby. I met my current husband told him I was not having any more children and boom I was pregnant. It took me a few days to get used to the idea and once I did I was trilled. Sometimes if we look at the whole picture it can be overwhelming, if you take one day at a time you may not feel so overwhelmed. I am not trying to talk you into anything you have to do what is right for you. I just want to make sure you give yourself some time to really think about it so you do not have any regrets later. Good luck to you I know this is a hard challenge to face but you will figure it out and make the best decision for you. No judgment here!!!!

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L.L.

answers from New York on

You will be a terrific mother of 4! Good luck with everything!!
Lynsey

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N.B.

answers from Jamestown on

Boy have I been there!

In 1993 I was told, after my 3rd child, that I would never conceive again due to too much damage of my parts. Things were cool. I had three kids, I didn't need anymore.

When my youngest son turned 13 I was working on my third college degree. He was old enough that I didn't worry about him and could get a great job and not pay for daycare. THEN I met my (ex) fiance. He never had a child of his own and he "talked" me into wanting another child. I told him after I finish my degree and got established in a job with maternity leave and benefits....well, that didn't happen. I got pregnant while I was taking antibiotics for Bronchitis a few months later. HE was happy, I was not. I had plans for my life that didn't include a baby for at least another two years.

Long story short, I am raising my youngest alone while he is living the life he wanted and not helping me. Had I had known he wasn't going to be in the picture, I'm not sure what I would've done.

Honestly, there are times when I am resentful. I thought I would have graduated the police academy and would be working full-time in a state or government position, Instead of working part-time, minimum wage,three college degrees getting dusty, and wondering where the money for day care is going to come in two weeks. I am sooo mad at my ex that sometimes I don't give the love and attention she deserves. Forgive me for that Father.

But on the lighter note, baby girl is a gift and a miracle. She has the most beautiful smile and spirit. Her laugh lights up my soul.

God just had better plans for my life by giving me her. I have days when I can accept that...lol.

I'm not gonna tell you what to do in your situation. I've been on both sides of good and bad decisions like this and have had to accept the consequences.

If you would like to chat some more about this, please feel free to email me privately.

Nanc

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A.G.

answers from New York on

K. - I feel for you! I believe everything happens for a reason. Trust in your heart and you will make the right decision. I too had a similar situation, I have 2 grown daughters 16 and 13 became pregnant (not planned with my 3rd child), I was so overwhelmed and upset, once the shock and despair wore off - I made the choice to have the baby and now looking back he is 3 years old - I could not imagine my life without him. Also, you have to remember it is a decision that only YOU can make and YOU have to live with the rest of your life. Also, it sounds like your husband wants the child - he says he will be ok with your decision if you do not have it - but will it cause problems later in your relationship? After my 3rd child - my husband decided to have a Vasectomey (sp?) - best thing he every did - no worries, since I had child birth - the least he could do! Right?

Anyway best of luck and everything will work out!

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J.G.

answers from New York on

Hi K.,
Wow, you are in a tough situation. I don't envy you. I have two children of my own 16 and 13, and I certainly don't want any more either. But I don't know what I would do if I found myself pregnant. I am like you, believing in pro-choice(every woman should make her own choices) however, I also believe God sends certain things our way for certain reasons we may not yet know. My advice to you is to really think this over. Talk to your husband. How does he feel. No one can make this decision for you. A child is a blessing, but only if you are ready to take that responsibility on. I really wish you luck with this soul-searching. I feel confident you will make the choice that is right for you and your family. Good luck.

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A.G.

answers from New York on

I know a great couple that could offer your baby a wonderful life. They have been married 10 years and have been trying since their wedding night. She is 36 and would love to welcome a baby into her home and her husband is a kind, caring loving man who will be a great dad. Please have this child and have it adopted rather than the alternative. Email if your interested. A.

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R.W.

answers from New York on

Please consider giving your baby up for ADOPTION before killing it!!! There are sooooo many wonderful couples who would give their lives to have a baby of their own and can't. Besides, there are no accidents when it comes to human life, this has happened for a reason. If you feel in heart that this child is not meant to be with you and your family then PLEASE give to the family who has been praying for it!!! :)

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H.L.

answers from New York on

My sister has four kids and according to her its really not much more work because after three its all the same additionally i find a family of four is much better behaved than a family of three for reasons getting rid of the middle child syndrome. ALso you have to understand you have a lot of hormones going through you right now and you can't base your decisions on feelings because those feeling can quickly change when your no longer pregnant and having a lot of hormones go through you. You have to look at the entire picture not just today but down the road do you want to always imagine what it would have been like to have this child its only 9 months in the grand scheme of things its not that long to put your life on hold and when your older who knows that fourth child could save your life. I know i work in a nursing home and see how many kids it takes for one to care for their parents. Also you tried with fertility for a while but yet now look you were able to have kids without help you know there are parents out their that might want kids too i know you said adoption is not an option but remember how you felt when you wanted to have children.
I know its not easy but you know what it won't be easy either way whether you have the child or not so why not do something you won't have to think over and rehash down the road no decision is that easy when it comes to life. I am the child of a single parent who was told to have an abortion and boy am i glad she didn't listen to them.
Take care
From H.

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M.H.

answers from Rochester on

Dear K.,
First of all you said that you have 3 beautiful children and your struggles with concieving in the past. I think you know deep down that keeping this little one is the right thing to do. Children are indeed a gift from God! I do believe abortion is not a option. Thats something that you have to live with you the rest of your life if you abort a child. Children grow up so fast and now is the time to put them first. Schooling can wait and enjoy motherhood now. You have a wonderful supportive husband who will be there to help you with all 4 children. I will be praying for you.

About me: married for 32 years to a wonderful husband, 3 grown sons, 2 grandchildren with 2 twins grandbabies arriving later this year. My life has truly been blessed!

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A.C.

answers from New York on

I think that you've expressed some very valid fears and misgivings regarding having a 4th child. What you might want to do is sit down with your husband and go over every pro and con regarding having this baby. You not only have to do what's fair for your you and your family but you also have to do what's fair to this baby. Don't feel guilty or bad for your concerns. It's good to get them out in the open now rather than hide them inside and allow them to fester. Good luck!

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J.B.

answers from New York on

you should trust your gut and not have this baby. only you can make this decision and you are saying to yourself in every possible way that you don't want this baby. don't do it. go with what you feel. you have 3 kids already. i do not think you will regret this but you might regret having him or her and that is not a good life for a kid. so go with your own intincts. and good luck!

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K.A.

answers from New York on

Hi K.,
This is a very personal choice that you should make with your husband. I think you need to do what's best for you and your family. If you can't afford to have this baby and you don't feel right about it then you do what you have to do.

Lots of luck to you
K.

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T.W.

answers from New York on

K.,
I'm not judging you, I just want to tell you my experience. Like you I had fertility issues and a tough time with a few of my pregnancies. First one was very simple only I had 9 LONG months of horrible morning sickness that lasted 24 hours a day and I had to go on medication which they took off the market after she was born. Second one was planned, he is 2 1/2 years younger than his sister. Then came a huge surprise, I got pregnant with my 3rd and I was taking Valium and Motrin (prescription) for TMJ. When my ob/gyn told me I was pregnant I turned to mush, I knew what the drugs could do to the baby and I wasn't ready for another one. Anyway my doctor at that time was a devout Catholic who didn't believe in abortions, which we weren't exactly thinking of doing but it was a possibility if the baby had congenital problems. When he was born they had LifeStar on standby waiting to take him to another hospital, but he was pretty much fine, though he did have health issues and we were in the pediatricians office constantly for the first 2 years of his life. Plus through all this the doctor who delivered him screwed up on my (3rd) c-section which I didn't know at the time and went through 5 years of pure hell, switching ob/gyn and urologist. Long and short of all this is with only a girl and 2 boys we wanted one more, hopefully another girl but now had fertility issues and had many many surgeries. After many miscarriages my infertility doctor finally was able to help me conceive and carry the pregnancy to term: you got it another boy. I did so without any fertility treatments thank God. Now the shocker, we were told Justin was a true miracle, a gift from God, but then my some miracle I got pregnant again and wasn't sure if I wanted 5 kids, our oldest was going on 16 years old and in high school, but again we had a doctor who felt if it was meant to be, it was meant to be and another doctor in the group told me we could always find the money to support this baby. With that support system we decided to go forward and although it was a really rough pregnancy, with me being in the hospital and on bed rest for the last 20 weeks as he was almost delivered at 20 weeks gestation. Derek was born without any problems. Also my last 2 were delivered naturally without any medication. My husband and I are not very religious but we felt if it was meant to be then it was meant to be and besides we were hoping for a girl this time. Our daughter, Becky, got her 16th birthday present 2 days early and he is her Godson as well. If I were in your shoes I would let nature take its course, if this pregnancy is meant to be then it is meant to be. Plus you said your husband wants the baby just like mine did, I wouldn't want to see you hurt your marriage over this either. I know if I had aborted any of my pregnancies my husband and I would not be still married; we have been married 27 years. My kids, although the older two boys are driving us crazy (24 and 22 years old), are all wonderful children whom I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I hope my story helps you decide. Just know whatever you decide it is between you and your husband only.
Hugs,
T.

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L.F.

answers from Buffalo on

I just had my 3rd child, a surprise baby six years after my second. We were in the middle of a move and financially struggling. My mother-in-law who is a family therapist told me the best advice, children fall into the situation they are born in, meaning, they adjust to things better than adults do. We have learned to live a more modest lifestyle and I've learned to let go of some things. I used to do everything for my older boys, but I was stifling their independence. You seem really stressed out and I'm guessing you probably feel like you have to have control of everything. Now that you feel out of control, it is overwheming, am I right? You sound very busy with work and school, but that is not going to always be like that. It is probably not the best state of mind to make a permanent decision to end this pregnancy when you tried so hard to be a mom before. Maybe you should let your husband and your parents make the decision for you knowing how you feel. Perhaps they will step up and help you out more.

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T.M.

answers from Utica on

I feel for you. And no judging i promise, i just want to share my story with you and you'll probably stop reading right about here. I was adopeted when i was an infant, i just would like you to know how happy i was and how much my parents mean to me. Both sets, the ones who knew they did not want me for whatever reason, i never cared, still don't. i am just thankful they made that choice. the parents who raised my are just the biggest blessing i could have ever asked for. today i am a successful grown woman with 2 beautiful daughters of my own and my parents are still the greatest people i know. i know you said its NOT an option, i guess i just wanted to share my story with you of how well this option can turn out. i pray you find the answers you are looking for. thank you

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S.K.

answers from Albany on

K.,
I am so sorry that you are facing such a difficult decision. I don't know how far along you are, but if it is early in the pregnancy I think you should take a little time to consider your options. I only say this because my sister had an abortion years ago and still regrets it to this day. If you have been considering having another child at all, I think you owe it to yourself to really think about the fallout of your decision. I know babies are a lot of work and another mouth to feed seems like more than you can handle. If you decide to keep the baby, ask for help. There are many avenues to consider, federal aid(WIC, food stamps), church groups, garage sales, etc. Many people who are financially stetched manage to do it. You have to consider that the hardship will probably be temporary. Furthering your education should give you new opportunity for the future.
Best wishes with your decision.
S. K.

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M.B.

answers from Rochester on

K.,
So wonderful you are able to come to an understanding with yourself about your newest baby. I hope you have the best time and enjoy every minute.

I am hoping for baby number two, but time and again, my husband has gotten in the way of planning to that effect. A second baby would be dearly welcomed by me.

Good luck!
M.
PS: www.flylady.com
I realize you are in school and are probably the most super organized person, but she can help a bit too. :)

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S.S.

answers from New York on

I think anyone who is pregnant has negative thoughts at some point...can I handle this...will my family be ok...will I still be me. I think its perfectly normal. I am also pro-choice because I do believe situations arise where there is the need to terminate. I am not sure this is one I would put in that category. I am not trying to be negative or unsupportive. I had a very difficult time getting pregnant and am most likely going to have to adopt for future children. I am not quite sure why adoption is not an option for you. If your concern is that you wont be able to take care of the baby, then adoption is such a wonderful gift. However if your concerns are for your own health since you have had difficult pregnancies in the past, then I can understand you not wanting to carry to term and you should speak with your doctor to understand more fully the issues you might face and your options. This is really a decision you have to determine on your own, and unfortunately no one can give you the right advice, but I hope mine at least gets you thinking about your true concerns with this pregnancy and helps you weigh all the options. Whatever your decision, best of luck!

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A.H.

answers from New York on

Sounds like you've made up your mind already, and are just looking for confirmation that it's okay. Or are you trying to convince yourself not to have the child??? Only you can answer this question. So don't worry about what other people think, and don't worry about the short-term details, like delivery, etc. Focus on the long-term effects, both positive and negative, of having child #4 do what is right for you, and no one else. Good luck with this decision.

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R.H.

answers from New York on

K.,
It seems you have another bump in the road. Time goes by fast. Things pass. Feelings pass. Are you going to regret this decision? I feel you are asking us because you are afraid you might. Nobody can make this choice for you and you, alone, are going to have to live with it. I know people who have regretted the decision and I know people who wouldn't think twice. Where are you at? I have read all of the reasons you wrote about not wanting this baby, which seems to make your decision of terminating this pregnancy justified, but it seems you have something holding you back and you are looking for that nudge. Noone on this forum has to live with your decision. I am not trying to be negative, at least I hope I am not, but this is a matter of heart. God bless and continue to love your life(you never know how many more you're going to get).
R.

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K.A.

answers from New York on

It sounds like you've made up your mind and should do what you are comfortable with regardless of anyone else's opinion. Part of being a good parent is knowing your own limitations and what's best for your family - no one should judge you for your choices. I would also recommend you speak to your doctor about a more permanent birth control solution. Best of luck to you and your family.

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A.J.

answers from New York on

A very difficult and personel decision, but glad you decided to have your 4th child. I am the product of 5 - me being the 5th born. My mother told me that when she became pregnant (back in 1973, the IUD's were not so evidently effective), the doctor suggested an abortion, since she already had 4 kids. Well, I'm glad she didn't follow through, or I wouldn't be here ;>)! Wishing you the best of luck. Things just have a way of working out. Try not to worry about the future since you really have not control of it. You are stronger than you think!

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D.L.

answers from Albany on

Only you can make this decision, and it sounds like you already have. I know several married women w/kids who decided to terminate pregnancies because they didn't want more children then they already had. And I supported them wholeheartedly.
We are so fortunate to be able to plan and control the growth of our families. You should not feel forced into having another child. You tried to avoid this situation, but things happen. I just want you to know that another married woman w/kids would totally support your decision not to grow your family any bigger. And it doesn't mean you don't love your husband and kids. It means you have control over your life and your future. Anyone who tells you this is fate or God's plan or any other b.s. should be ashamed of themselves- don't listen to them. Good luck- you'll be fine.

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A.S.

answers from Rochester on

I have not been in your shoes, but it sounds like if you DO go ahead with this baby, your health may be at risk. Have you talked with your doctor about what happens if you DO go through with the pregnancy? It may not be safe for you...

I know you love your kids and if you do decide that you continue, you WILL love this baby too.

I wished I had more advice, but you need to make this decision. Is there other people whose advice/opinion that you value? If so, ask them for their opinion...

Don't worry about judgements for having 4 kids - you do what's right for you and don't worry about what other people think! :)

Hang in there and I wish you all the best!! :)

Don't worry about school - your health and your family is your priority. School can wait...

Whatever you decide, maybe you should get your tubes tied or your husband gets the vasectomy to make sure you do not get pregnant again?

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J.G.

answers from New York on

I feel very bad for you in your situation. You need to do whatever is best for your family right now. You need to be happy physically and mentally healthy for your other children. If having this baby is too much for you then I think you have your answer. I had an amnio that was positive for downs syndrome a few years ago. With the full support of my husband and obgyn I discontinued the pregnancy. It was tough, but I never have regretted it. I did not discuss what i did with anyone else besides my husband, obgyn, and primary care doctor. A lot of people are pro-life, yet they are not the ones who will be raising the child... I am not a believer in God only gives you what you can handle. It is no one elses business what is best for you or your family! This is also true if you decide that having a 4th child is what you want. There is nothing wrong with a big family--as long as that is what you can handle. There is nothing wrong with either decision, it is personal.

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L.H.

answers from New York on

You sound very overwhelmed. The choice is yours to make, so you need to make a choice you feel comfortable with both mentally and physically. If you do decide on an abortion, then make sure you do it early. If you decide not to have an abortion, then you have to make it extremely clear that your husband is going to have to help out as soon as the child is born. It might sound horrible to a lot of people, but you might have to bottle feed so your husband can take turns feeding the baby to give you your needed rest. It is very important for someone to help you take care of the baby; otherwise, you might wind up regetting having it and will have trouble bonding. (I know, I when through that when I had my son.)

As for your doctor, get a new one. I'm at high risk for cancer too due to family history. I had to go on BC, because I don't make enough hormones. After my son was born, they had to put me on a higher dosage since my mensis would not stop even with the low dose BC. I was afraid of it at first, because of all the old beliefs that it raises the risk of cancer. Guess what my doctor said? He said it's better to be on the BC and you can be on it until you're 50! He said there were new studies done that proved the BC actually prevents the cancer they were trying to say it causes, so it's actually the opposite. I looked it up, and he's right.

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J.D.

answers from New York on

Having 4 kids is not so bad! I have 5 and three of them were surprises. Abortion may have left you with feelings of guilt and What Ifs for the rest of your life. I had complications during pregnancy and my last one was the worst. I was in college during one of these pregnancies as well. Everyone I could't do, but I did and I am darn proud to be the mother of 5 wonderful, energetic individuals who always keep me busy. GOOD LUCK!

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S.L.

answers from New York on

Hi K.,
I know I am late and you have made your decision, but I just wanted to encourage you about it. Great job being so strong to take this new child on. I made the opposite decision about 25 years ago and it is the deepest, most piercing regret of my life. I cannot describe to you how painful it is to think of the baby that would have been, after all these years it still instantly brings tears. I am a normal, well-adjusted person, who doesn't obscess over what I felt fully justified at the time to do; but it still stinks BAD and I am glad you are not going to have to know that foolish suffering.
Day at a time - it's not the destination, it's the journey. You can do it if you just keep breathing - preferably deep belly breaths!! :)

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