Should I Feel Guilty... - Plainview,TX

I have twin boys(1 year olds) that I keep to myself. As a working mother I too do not want to share them at times. My husband feels the same way. He gets sad when I take them to Grandparents or they come over, because he says it is his time with the boys. But, one reason they do not go on playdates just with their cousin is because 2 babies are a lot to keep up with. People do not understand how much energy they require. I don't know if this helps at all. There are times we are just going to feel like we are not making the right choices.

I agree. He is getting plenty of social interaction as it is. It is CRITICAL that you have as much time with him as possible. Don't give up what little time you have.

I am a firm believer moms or atleast one parent should be home with their child. Oh, the things you have missed! And you will never get those back! I'm not trying to be mean, but it's the truth. I know its hard financially but if you truly wanted to stay home, you'd find a way. When our first child was born, financially I felt I needed to work but soon found myself doing the same thing you are...tearing myself up. It was hard financially but I decided to stay home & was the best thing I ever did...and continued with all six of my kids.

Kids are NOT emotionally messed up with there parents around. Parents have been stay at home parents since the dawn of the ages!!! They get to have you in their life. To kiss those owies and dry those tears....see those small things that add up to great things that you'd miss if you're at work.

I don't judge anyone that does work, but I do know if you truley wanted to stay home....you could.

I have both stayed at home and worked as a mom. I have to tell you... you need to do what is right for your family. If you need to work, then work. If you need to stay home, stay home. Your child will thrive whichever one you do. You clearly care about your son very much and care about how well he is doing. He will know he is loved, whether he's in daycare/sitter or at home with you. As long as you find quality childcare, he is in good hands during the day, and you can enjoy the time you have with him in the evenings. Don't beat yourself up about your decision. Kiddos adapt to all sorts of situations. And don't worry about the sitter "raising" your child. YOU are still the biggest influence in his life. You'll be the one raising him, and finding a sitter that is consistent with your values can be part of that. If you just don't feel comfortable with that, though, stay home. Bottom Line: you are not damaging your son by making the best decision possible for your family.

First off, you had me confused cause you start out saying you have a 15 YEAR OLD son.. but when I got to the end I see he is 15 MONTHS old.. At any rate. I went to work when my 1st was 13 months old and hated leaving her. It is h*** o* them, but it is good for them in the long run. In the matter of leaving him in the nursery at church on Sundays, I know it is hard, but it is even harder to focus on God's Word when you are preoccupied with your baby. Good luck and God bless!! Oh yeah, as for the feeling guilty part, no matter how old or young they are, a true Mother always feels guilty when they are not spending as much time with their children. Hang in there, it has only just begun!!!

I think the exposure your child has in Day Care during the week is enough. The ultimate is to stay home and raise our children and teach them the values we need to teach them. I was a little nervous when you said you were nursing him and he was 15 yrs old in the beginning. I would wean him as soon as possible. I have had two year olds who cry when left in my home day care so that is not unusual. But before the parents are gone they quit and play and enjoy. One thing I hate is parents that leave them longer then 9 hrs because they get bored and want to go home at the end of the day. They are ready. I know most work 12 hours or 10 but that last hour or so they are ready. Week end enjoy and never feel guilty for being with your child as much as you can. I hated working when my kids were little. The rebelled when I became a stay at home mom but also married with stricter rules they both left at 17 those years fly and if you are not there when they are young to teach them then others will and usually there are not values involved. So church is a better environment to teach them about how God loves us and what we need to do to honor him and that is important too. God Bless G. W

When I first read your post I thought that if your son is fifteen years old and you are worried about these types of issues (not to mention the nursing), you might want to investigate some family counseling.

I'm assuming your son is actually 15 months old, which a different issue entirely. Leave him sometimes, let him play with other children sometimes. It will be good for both of you in the long run. We all feel this way, even those of us that stay home with our children. Stay with him if you can, if you can't, do the best you can with your situation and don't feel guilty about it.

When he actually is 15 years old, you won't be able to pay him to spend time with you (and that means he's normal.) On the plus side, the church nursery issue will probably have resolved itself by then. God Bless.

"I carpool with a friend and she was telling me that she has friends who dont ever leave their child when they dont have to and that he has social problems. She was going off about how they are ruining their child and how they need to live their life and not revolve it around him and take him to play dates and other things."

I really don't understand your point here. It seems as though you are seeking justification to that working outside the home is okay. And, it is okay. I think you need to accept what you can't change and work toward a plan and set goals that will help you achieve your dream of staying home. I currently stay home and, believe me, it is a sacrifice. But for me, it is well worth it.

Guilt is a part of motherhood, but let it go if you can. We each do what is best for our family. There are wonderful things about staying home, and there are wonderful things about working out of the house, and there are wonderful things about working from home. All of those have a down side too. We just have to be the best moms we can be in our given situation. I'm a teacher, so I'm a working mom in the school year and a stay at home mom in the summer. It works well for our family. It sounds like your situation is working well for you and your family. Let the guilt go on this one. Enjoy your husband and 15 month old! :-)

M.,
There are many Moms who have to work outside the home. You obviously adore your little boy. At his age, I don't see the need in feeling like he needs other children his age to play with. I assume he is getting interaction with other children at daycare.
He absolutely needs his time with you. He has plenty of time to have friends to play with. However, remember that you and your Husband could use a date night from time to time. That's good for your marriage. Enjoy all the time that you can with your little boy. They grow up so fast.

M....believe me, this is not the first time you will feel guilty as a mom. During the week, when he is with the sitter, isn't he getting "social time". Also, when you take him to the church nursery...social time. It is nice for your friend to give you advice, but remember, do what you feel is right for YOU and YOUR child. If you do not feel that you should do something, then don't do it. Being mom is a bit overwhelming because you do have the most important job in the world! Trust yourself and your job will be a little easier:)

First of all... quit being so h*** o* yourself! You are doing the best you can and putting your son's needs first and that is what's best for him! He is only 15 months old and will learn so much from his weekend time with you! I do know that some of the socializing will help when it gets closer to time for him to start school... he will already know how to interact with the other kids and all the comotion that comes with going to school. But for now, just keep up the good work... his most valuable time is when he's with you, so I wouldn't go filling up his social calendar during that time! Maybe a play date with another Mommy & child around the same age, once or twice a month... that would be good for him and probably you too! Best wishes! PS I have 2 boys (now 5 & 8), they both were at home with me, but had some day care time when I worked part time here and there... I do believe this helped them when they started school. They are both very well rounded socially now. And by the way, they (like most kids around 2-4) had seperation problems along the way too. It's just a phase and it pulls at your heart strings... but they do have to get through it - just like us!

Hi M.,

First of all I have been where you are, and I have a back ground in psychology so guilt is so common among moms, especially new ones. DON'T beat yourself up about working when you need to help provide for your family. I did for a bit and it only makes the guilt feel worse. You can love your child and have him childcare. Because you care about his well being, no wonder you are upset about leaving him.

One thing you need to think about is that do you want to stay at home or is this pressure from outside sources, husband, friends, coworkers, parents, etc...I found that I needed to own the decision to work or not and not allow others to pressure me into one or the other. One thing that I realized is that once I was at work, I enjoyed work even though it was stressful. I was pumping as well and the stress of having to pump was a challange. When I got home my baby was always happy to see me and that was thrilling especially when she said, I Love You, for the first time.

My heart would ache to see her more, but I had to figure out what I really wanted because, my mom tried both to work and stay at home. She was much happier as a person when she was working, so I wanted her to work. She was less cranky when she was home. So you could try both if you are financially able to. You do have a choice in the matter. Also, kids will turn out best if you have routine, some rules, and a safe environment for your child. Being consistent is actually the best thing for your kids and even I have some difficulty with that, but good consistency forms good habits and that is what we all want for our kids in the end for them to be happy and well functioning adults who cna make good decisions. That said, investigate your options to stay at home and try it. It can be isolating if you let it. Jobs do provide a social component you do not get at home. Also, if you are unable to stay at home, tell people who say that you are letting others raise your child that that is a mean spirited thing to say even if they do not intend it. In an ideal world we could have children we could care for, but I have to say, if working makes you a happy person, then stop beating your self up and listening to others who make you feel badly for it.

About me, I'm a stay at home mom to 3 kids. I took a year of therapy to decide on my own if I wanted to stay at home so your decision may take a while. I wanted to own the decision as I said before. That way I have no one to blame if it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. It has been challenging and fun at the same time. Much harder than working full time, but for me it has been a good thing and that is what matters. What you are feeling (e.g., if you are happy) then the kids will feed off that. Good luck!

Here's how I feel, very short and sweet:
If he is in daycare all week long, then he is definitely not lacking in social interraction. If it makes you happy to be with your baby all weekend long because you are working all week, then good for you. I hate it when people tell me that I need to "get out more". If I want to spend all my time with my family because that makes me truly happy then I see nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't feel badly for not wanting to leave him on the weekends, your his mommy and he is your baby! He won't be a baby for long...eventually he will get older and want to spend his time doing other things like playing with friends, etc. Once that happens, then you can go out and have your own social interaction. But if what you are doing now makes you happy, I'd stick with it. :)

Hope that helped a little. :)

During this economics time, keep your job.

This battle in ourselves to stay home/work is so difficult. If your husband is doing a good job as father, don't stress. If you have selected a good and reputable day care, don't worry so much.

Get to know your day care sitter. What is she like? Does she laugh often? Is she kind? Does she have family near? Is she a Christian? So many people just drop their kids and run. Getting to know the person teaching your child values is very important and also gives her a connection with you so she knows she can always talk with you if she has issues, personal or professional so you always know what's going on.

Your friend had an opinion but that doesn't mean you have to live it. I have been fortunate to stay home in the early years with both of mine, my sister did not. Her kids are great and successful adults.

I have taken my kids to daycare since they were three in some form or fashion. My 17yr old told me she loved daycare-that was where her friends were and she had lots of activities that we didn't have time for at home...and she's a great kid.

It will be based on you and the values you teach at home and also the relationship you have with your husband. Don't work too much and try and take some happy time. Hug often and always reinforce your relationships with praise, love and respect. You'll do fine. :)

God bless, C.

this isn't about social interaction for him if he's in daycare 5 days a week. this is about social interaction for you. do you have time during the week to simply get a haircut and a cup of coffee alone? do you have time to meet a friend for dinner once a month? do you feel like you have enough "me" time, if only to exercise some stress away? if so, then you are fine. as a single mom, i used to work 2 part time jobs, go to school full time, and still take my kid to mom's for the weekend. part of it was for my weekend job/homework, but also so i could hang out with my friends on friday night and my boyfriend on saturday night. i needed that time to myself to be a better mom. i still do. i go out to dinner once a month with a friend, out with my women's group atleast once a month, and generally out solo once a month. this is on top of making time to exercise in peace and quiet. it makes me a sane mom who doesn't yell at her kids as much and wants to be around them more. the kids know that mom goes out and they hang out with dad or grandma. they don't care nor are they neglected/feelings hurt. just something to consider.

Moms have worked for many years and have raised happy, healthy children. My biggest suggestion is to try to overcome the guilt so the time you do have is time that you both enjoy. It sounds like you enjoy church so try to stop feeling guilty about leaving him in the nursery. You do also need some nourishment for the soul.
Try to let go of the guilt, so you can enjoy the time with your baby!

Hi M.,

you sound like a wonderful mom! wish there were more out there like you. you should want to be w/your son so don't feel like he needs to be on playdates at such a young age. My twins are almost 15 months & we seldom leave the house. they are still developing & need their mom. i think you're on the right track!! have a great time w/your baby boy...they grow so fast!!!!
S.

First, let me just say that a working mother is not a bad mother. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do to get by. Your time with your son is very special, so always make the most of it. As for your friend who was speaking about socialization for a 15 month old, she is way out of line. Fifteen month old children do not need to socialize with other little ones. Kids at that age have little to zero concept of interactive play among their peers. As it is, your son gets stimulated at daycare. Weekends are for mommy/son bonding. All the correct behavior he needs to learn, he should be learning from you via storytime and interactive play. Quit beating yourself up over your situation. You are wasting bottled up guilt for what you do not have instead of enjoying what you do have. You should know in your heart that you are your son's favorite playmate in the world right now.... Remember that your son has no idea that his life could be different if you stayed home with him. This is something only you are aware of. Ask yourself a few questions.... is my son happy? is my son growing? is my son learning? If you can answer yes to these, then you are doing your job as a mother. Everything else needs to fall to the wayside.
Be happy....You are in my prayers!

I've been in your shoes and man it's hard! I feel for you!!

Our first child came as a HUGE shock to us. We were not financially stable for me to stay home and it just about killed me working full time! I tried nursing her but I started with supplementing and by 3 months my milk was dried up. I was very sad and hurt! I set my mind to working part time though. I looked around and spent my lunch hours at the Texas Workforce place looking for jobs online. I had wanted to work from home but was keeping my options open. I lucked out and found a job a few towns over making a lot more then I was currently making and it was only for part time work! I was super excited! I worked 8:30 to 1 every day and spent the afternoons with my daughter. She got the 'socializing' that she needed in the morning and then we got bonding time in the afternoon. I've done that for 6 years now and now have another child. It's been the best decision I've ever made.

I do believe that kids need to interact with other kids but I also believe they need their parents. I was raised by babysitters basically. My parents worked the 9-5 and I remember hating daycares and wishing they'd come get me. I never want that for my kids. They way my schedule is now-my daughter is at school while I'm working so she doesn't even realize that I'm working.

You just have to keep praying about it. God will open up something for you! And think outside the box! How much do you make compared to how much you spend on childcare, gas, etc. All the money it takes for you to work... Have you thought about watching kiddos in your home? Or can you do your work from home online? Just some ideas...

I really hope things get better!

Hi M.,

Just thought I would give alittle of my wisdom to your situation. I am a mother to 3 wonderful sons. The first is 20, the middle is 16 and the youngest is 14. I was a stay at home mom but I am now in the work force again. The answer I will give you is that your son goes to a sitter every day. He is getting the interaction he needs with other people. Be selfish on the weekends, speed time with him. As far as his reaction to being left at the nursey goes, every child goes through the separation from parent phase. Be greatful that he wants to be with you. They grow up fast enough and you will not be the center of their lives anymore.

Easier said that done, but don't feel guilty as mothers I think it our job to feel guilt no matter what. You are not working by choice and there it nothing wrong with wanting to spend two days a week alone with your child. He is going to daycare 5 days a week so that is plenty of interaction with other kids and people. I am sure on weekends you do fun things with him so that is all that matters. I am a SAHM and I always feel guilty that my kids are not around other kids as often as they need to be and are always with me. People always tell me I need to leave them more(with sitters) so they will get use to other people and not be so attached. Either way it is catch 22 :)!

NO! You should NOT feel guilty. You are doing what most parents need to do more of. Our society has turned very selfish. Now selfish parenting is accepted. Trust your gut feeling. If you want your child to have more social opportunities, make friends with other parents who have kids your son's age and go to play dates with him. That's what we do. That way I can spend time with him and he has social interactions. I have a son who is about 14 months old and have also been married 3 1/2 years. I am fortunate to be able to stay home with him during the day. Your son already gets lots of social interaction at day care. You can also take him to play areas at malls. But what kids need most is interaction with their parents. He'll be in preschool and school soon enough. He needs to build a good solid relationship with you and your husband now. You are doing a FANTASTIC job! I wish more parents did what you do. Don't let anyone let you think otherwise.

You are a true mom. Yes, I definitely experienced the same pain that you feel. I think it's normal. I had to continue working when my child was born, and I worked until she was 24 months. Today, the guilt still eats me up, but I had to do it, just like you, for financial reasons. As far as spending time with him like you do, I think you should trust your maternal instincts and do what your heart tells you to do. They grow so fast, and you can never turn your clock back and capture missed moments. And, I don't think it's fair to compare your situation to others like the little boy with social problems. There may be more going on there that you don't know about. Your son is still very young. I am sure opportunities will arise where your son will have the chance to socialize with other children. There will be park times, birthday parties, kids gyms, etc.. So, from my personal experience, enjoy the precious time that you have with your son.

You have a lot going on. You need to let past the guilt of leaving your son. While I know it is hard, a momma's got to work. As far as the issue with the church nursery, you need to do things that you enjoy too, your son is at the age that often times children feel unsure about being left with someone else so his response to you is normal and is not necessarily a direct result anything you have/haven't done. More than likely he will settle down a few minutes after you leave.

Weaning could be part of the problem, but only if your son is not interested in weaning at this time. But at the same time if it is no longer enjoyable to both Mom and baby it is time to wean.

As far as your friend in the carpool a child is not ruined because their parents spend a lot of time with them or dot on them. More than likely their are other issues with the child or in general they have a different parenting style that your friend just does not agree with. We rarely leave our children and they are well behaved and socialize with others.

Do not worry about organizing activities/playdates on the days your are able to spend with your child. Unless he is the only child in his daycare setting he is getting socialization at daycare, and at this age the children more parallel play than cooperative play and also at this age the playdates are often times more for the parents to give them other parents to talk to and or commensurate with.

I have a two year old boy. I never leave him unless it's with Dada. Your carpool friend is the one that's nuts. You should spend every second you can with your son. He's only little once, and then that time is gone FOREVER. It is only our modern American society that thinks it's okay to leave their children everywhere but with M. at home. They dump their children off to every babysitter they possibly can. If I were in your shoes and I HAD to work, I would be spending every single other second of my life with my child. I would continue nursing as long as possible as this only makes the bond stronger- I'm still nursing my son who's turning two this month! We also co-sleep which really helps us bond even more- we share the same pillow! It is the most precious nourishing thing EVER!! Seeing how you don't want to work, you should search out all other options about work- working from home, reducing spending by getting on a budget such as Dave Ramsey recommends, sell things on craigslist/ebay/amazon, sell your car, downscale your house- ANY of these things are worth time at home with your precious little one. You're right- it would be much better for both of you if YOU were the one getting to teach him everything! Send me a message anytime if you want more encouragement!

Is he 15 years old or 15 months old? In the message you said he is 15 years old!!!

I don't know if you are Christian are not. But the Bible clearly tells us to raise our kids to be the best people they can be. I believe it is telling me that my children are my responsibility. We have so many trouble children and teens now because we leave them with others or alone. My friend has a friend who had a great job so did her husband, they have 3 kids and a huge house here in Allen. She realized not too long ago that it was more important for her to spend time with her kids and raise them herself as intended. Her family moved from their huge house into a 1,200 sq ft apartment. I really admire her for that, sometimes we have to make sacrifices to do what is right.

It's obvious you really love your child by the amount of concern you are showing! If I were you I would look long and hard at the family's finances. My husband and I are not wealthy, and we made lots of cutbacks, which allowed me to work part time. It has been WONDERFUL! We both drive 10 year old cars. We have stopped eating out. I don't have the cutest clothes. However, I get to spend lots of quality time with my son. You could consider not having cable TV, not having a land-line (phone) at home, etc. these things really add up. Good luck!

Stop worrying. He is only 15 months old. Your friend doesn't know what she is talking about. The best thing you can do is to do what you think is right for your child and ignore advice when people start talking about how someone is "ruining" their child.

Im assuming you mean 15 month boy. Ya, I felt guilting as well, I would cry some days too. It is all normal. I have to lovely boys one who went to daycare and one who did not, thay are both lovely and I do not notice anything different from leaving one at a daycare and one not. Theya re now 6 and 10. Just make sure you have a good one since they are scary and you do not know what goes on all day.
You can try working part time or at night but most kids these days have to go to daycare. Your guilt will not be as bad in the next couple of years.

K.
http://ezbaseballcamp.webs.com/

Don't feel guilty, you are doing the best you can, and it will be more than enough to raise a happy, healthy child. That said, I do think you should try not to let the fact that you are working mean that you revolve the rest of your life around your child. Easy to say, harder to do, because I fall into that same trap all the time. My son was (and still is, to a certain extent) used to having my undivided attention any time I wasn't at home. I just did all chores and any at home work whenever he was sleeping. Being used to having my full attention made it very difficult, at first, when his baby brother came around. Now he's getting better at sharing my time, and I think I should have made him have short periods of time when he had to play quietly while I cooked or did other things before the baby came. Good luck!

Most new moms who work full time feel this way. It got easier for me as my daughter got older and could tell me what she was doing during the day. Last year I went back to work when my son was 4 weeks old so I know how you feel. Just try to cherish the moments you do have with your son. And remember that everyone has different opinions on how your child should be raised. Only you know what's best for him and your family. Hang in there!

I have a very similar situation and I actually travel out of town most weeks. It does you no good to feel guilty bc you have no choice but to work. I found myself feeling the same way when my son was the same age. He was fine with my husband dropping him off but he was unhappy when I did it. I think it is partly his age. My son is now 3 and has no issues - just a longer hug for me when I do get the occasion to take him to school and then he is off to play. I also understand wanting him all for yourself all weekend but just force yourself to have some time for you and husband every once in a while. Your son will benefit from the interaction of others, including children. Hang in there - it will get easier.

Hi M.,

I wish I had words of wisdom - I feel the same way about my 22 mo old son. I dont ever want to leave him b/c I work so much during the week and he is being raised by a daycare as well. I hope you find something that allows you to stay home more or closer to him. That is currently what I am in the process of trying to do - less money, but less hours. :)

M.-
I was reading your post and getting really, really concerned about you and your son until I realized from "A little about me" that it was typo to write he is 15 YEARS old as apparently he is just 15 MONTHS old. Whew!

Now, on to some advice on a 15 MONTH old. Our daughter started "school" (child care with teachers and a curriculum) at 5 months old and we believe it has largely been a real asset to both her development and our lives. My husband and I both work. She is now 4 and we've toyed with different drop-off and pick-up arrangements through these preschool years. Right now, we're trying to have DH drop her off in the mornings & I usually pick her up. Just play around with schedules to figure out what is best for all concerned & realize that may need to change - numerous times even - through the months and years. Ask the sitter for advice as well on what she/he finds works best.

Whatever you do, you must be confident that you are doing the right thing. Your baby will pick up on your vibes and react accordingly. If you drop him off with confidence that he will be well-cared for in your absence and will learn a lot and enjoy the socialization with other children, then he will pick up on that too.

Try hard not to involve yourself in the never-ending stay-at-home or work-away-from-home debate. It will merely exhaust you and leave you feeling more guilty. Even if your son is with other care providers during part of his weekdays, do the math. He is still spending much more time with YOU.

You are his parents and no one is going to replace you. You can (& should, I think!) still teach him things he needs to know when you are together. Most importantly, you will set the stage for his faith in God and his values and morals. Children are all different and so are parents. The important thing is to find what works best for YOUR FAMILY and don't allow others to guilt you into their way of thinking.

If you need to work right now, you need to work. You need not feel guilty for that. You are helping provide for your family. Feel blessed that you HAVE work when so many do not these days! I encourage you to speak honestly and frequently with your husband about this as well.

Since you are nursing still, your hormones are still affected and may be making you more emotional. I commend you for your dedication to breastfeeding as I believe it has enhanced your son's immune system and your bonding with him and you will both be better off for the experience. Good luck and God bless.

M., trust your mom instincts. You want to spend time with your son. He wants and needs you. He is still a baby. Babies need their mommies. There will be plenty of time later for him to have friends and play dates. By the way, every toddler has social problems. They are learning about how to relate to other children. Your friend should be more sensitive to You. You are building a Family and THAT takes time and devotion. Perhaps when your friend starts being critical of others, you could remind her that we are all doing the best we can.

Your friend needs to mind her own business. I agree with Katherine in that you need to spend as much time with him as possible. Everyone's a critic and everyone has an opinion. And no, you are not crazy at all. You are a mother her loves her son. You are away from him all week - OF COURSE you should spend as much time with him as you can!!!

You mentioned you feel a lot of guilt. Is it at all possible for you to stay home? Or work part time? Sometimes it is worth the sacrifice of doing without to stay home. Maybe it is worth thinking about since you are struggling so bad with leaving him. Just a thought.

hope you meant 15 months and not 15 years! if that's what you meant, you might want to consider weaning. ;) all kidding aside, the mommy-guilt is the shared emotion we ALL feel- not many of us talk about it, which seems then like we are feeling it all alone. do what feels best, it seems you know that right now, you really want your mommy time with him on weekends. as he gets older, he'll start developing a life away from you- friends, plans, etc. and there will be plenty of time for him to interact with other kids. mommy/toddler playgroups are great because they will allow you to be with him, and for him to interact with other kids.

mostly, ease up on yourself and remember we do the best we can and what our kids most need (and know) is love!

Hi M.,

First let me say that when I first read "I have a 15 YEAR old boy" and "he is still nursed" I thought, yeah, that is a little nuts. But then I saw he is 15 months! I'm still nursing my 15 month old daughter, by the way, and see no problem with that. Don't feel that you have to wean him because of any outside pressure, only if weaning is what makes sense for your relationship with your son.

Now onto your question. I've been in your shoes. I worked full time until my first baby was a year old. I didn't want to, I hated my job and would cry almost every day, but it wasn't a choice for me not to work until my husband finished school. I made the decision not to leave my daughter at all in the evenings or weekends. I wanted to spend every minute I could with her. If I wanted some alone time or to go on a date with my husband, I'd wait until after she was in bed (not hard to do with a baby, they need so much sleep!) Anywhere that I went on evenings and weekends - grocery shopping, etc - I'd take her with me. When we did playdates, we would do them together - I would be there with her as she played with her friends. At this age the benefit to playdates and such is the presence of other children, not the absence of mom.

Hang in there! It's tough, I know, we love our kids so much and it's hard when we have to be away from them especially when they're so little.

First I was a bit confused b/c the beginning said he was 15 yr old. Later you mentioned your still nursing him... LOL
That gave me a laugh...... I understand you feeling completely. In the perfect ideal world, I agree with you a mom should be home. But in this world we have to buy groceries and pay for electricity. I worked contract while kids were small, meaning I might work for 3 weeks then no work for 3 weeks. It was also a roller coaster of emotion... I've been away from my kids, I need to be the one teaching and discipling them. Then I'd be home for a long stretch, and would be going stir crazy. Now I work 3 days a week. And still not absolutly satified. I think we will always question and wonder have we done the best for our children. Just spend quality time with your son when you have him. Make memories, make tradtions. There's plenty to do one the weekends. And bedtime is a great opportunity for routine and tradtion. Reading books together is priceless. My daughter is 6 and my son is 4. I've noticed that the kids that were in full time daycare/preschool are ahead in public school. Your son will be OK. That's my 2 cents, I hope it provides some comfort.

I was a working mom and raised two children. I had also been a single mom some of that time. I worked hard to give them quality time evenings and weekends. If I went on a date, the babysitter came to the house after I'd put him down to bed usually. I think they were very happy to be playing with other children when they were older in my presence or being nearby. For you to get a little me time, your husband can be with him and vice versa for him. If you guys prepare yourselves to make a higher family income in the future, having a nanny come to your home is nice. They pay about $10/hr and use her 4 days per week. Her mom watches the baby one day. She works for a law firm and they don't mind her working at home one day a week so she can interact with the baby during breaks. For now, I'd just say don't focus on housework and cooking as much as your baby. Read lots and lots to him. Let him play supervised outside in nature with you interacting or just watching and showing a lot of interest. You don't need playdates because he is getting socialized in his daycare. Make sure he is in a good day care by sitting in for 1/2-1 day and see how the teachers discipline and control the kids. My daughter left a day care that was out of control and the other teachers had too little training and the kids were rather wild. A few years, I worked part time at a nearby community college. That was great. Then I tried adding in working at home typing for court reporters. That did not work as a child that age demands attention every minute. If money is tight and might stay that way, then hopefully one of you should be thinking about whether or not more education or training would help raise the family income so that you can work only part time or not at all for the next child -- or when this one gets to junior high. Junior High is when a child needs you big time. I knew a lady that works part time at a bank with full benefits. Those jobs are out there but are not frequently found.

I think you are correct to want to be around him as much as possible . . . he does really need you at his young age. Age 0-3 is a unique time in a child's life where it is necessary to have consistant and reliable caretakers. I would keep doing what you are doing and if he is a securly attached child, he will naturally begin to separate as he goes into preschool and on. By the time he is 15 years old, you will be begging him to stay home on a weekend night with you!

I am a stay at home mom. I just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you are doing the best you can for your son, and only YOU, as his mom, can know what is best for him. I wouldn't worry about what your friend said. If your son is in daycare, then I am sure he's around other kids, right? I would think time with you is what would be best on the weekends. If he is the only child at the sitter, then consider his time in the nursery at church with other kids as his weekly playdate. He's lucky to have such a good mom. My best advice is not to worry and to keep having fun with him. Good luck!

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I think if you say it out loud to yourself and hear it verbally coming out of your own mouth you will be able to figure it out on your own.... Please do not think I am chastising you for having to work, I totally get that but let's say this out loud together... and these are your words from your post not mine.... "I work all week and hardly have anytime for my child, except for on the weekends. Should I give up my time on the weekends too? (this is my own added version) because my crazy a$$ friend suggested I do so" Ummmmm NO!!! You are right in thinking that you need to spend as much time with your baby as possible. You are it's MOMMY!!!! How does a playdate supersede mommy time on any occasion??? Kudos to you for still nursing that's impressive! Your friend suggesting you spend even less time with your kid is absurd.

M., first I think I need to qualify who I am/where I am coming from before I share my experience. I am a 41 year old woman of faith, married to an amazing man for 15 years. We have 4 boys that range in age from 12 to 3years. We also have a business, which is outside of the home, and have had the business for nearly 10 years.

You are not alone! This is a struggle many women have. For me I had to learn that GUILT was not from God. That is how the enemy plays us. I also had to learn that whatever family situation or financial situation I was in, I was there BECAUSE God wanted me there, to either learn something or give me some life experience that he was preparing me for in the future. I am a type "a" personality/ overachiever. I give a 110% to everything and I could not wrap my mind around the ability to give my child/ children 110% if I was off at work.

What I've learned is that what I do is part of who I am. I help other people and I (my husband and I)can make an impact in the lives of others. Allowing myself that fulfillment means that when I am with my children, they get the BEST of me, because I feel whole. Of course, I don't personally believe any of that is possible without a personal relationship with God.

I think one of the other important things I realized is that when I am with my children, they deserve my attention. That means that I don't get to do all my errands on the weekends, dragging them around. That is not fun and it causes much stress on our relationship. Although sometimes it cannot be helped, most of the time it can. I can purposefully do my grocery shopping after they are in bed- even though that is not convenient for ME, it is best for my time with my kids.

I really hope this helps. I think it is a huge blessing for a mom to be able to be home with her children instead of working outside of the home. However, when that is not possible, I think our challenge is to keep our priorities straight and not beat ourselves up. Grace starts at home.

My final suggestion is to make friends with other women who work and have children around the same age as your son. Maybe when you are trying to plan social interaction on the weekends, it can be with these women. This way you get the support you need (women are relational. When we feel like an 'island' we live like an 'island') and you spend quality time with your son.

The fact that this bothers you and you care is what MAKES YOU A GREAT MOM!

M., let go of the guilt. You clearly want what is best for your child and only YOU know what that is. Follow your own heart and not the OPINION of others. I too am a working mother and have spent every moment I have off with my son since birth. He is now 5 1/2 and he is not ruined. He is a perfectly well-adjusted boy who knows that his mother loves him and who is excited about starting kindergarten. He was with a nanny for his first 2 years with actitives like Little Gym, then a combination of nanny and mothers day out for almost a year before starting full time for two years in a preschool. He is very social and has had plenty of time with other children. Kids really don't start interacting well with one another until they are about three years old anyway, so you really have nothing to worry about if your child is not around other children much right now. The way we stair stepped his interaction with children as he grew older worked out really well for him and us. I have friends who work full time and then go out with their spouse and friends and even travel leaving their children with sitters on the weekends too. I find that very sad. Children grow up fast and before you know it they are gone. My husband and I are loving every moment of being parents and we spend as much time with our son as we can. Do what you know is right in your own heart. Your son can't be ruined if he has loving parents who care enough to worry this much! :) Best wishes to you!

I know exactly how you feel. When my oldest was 6 weeks old I had to go back to work, but my husband stayed with her. I NEVER left her when I didn't have to. EVER. When my second was born, I was able to stay home, but I still don't leave my kids much at all. They are 8 and 2 now and they have no social problems whatsoever. It was difficult when my oldest started school, but not from a social standpoint. She was just concerned about who was going to take care of her. When we took her into Kindergarten the first day she was crying and she asked her kindergarten teacher "Are you going to take good care of me?" But she loved school and making friends.

The only thing I would suggest is making sure you still have a few date nights with your husband! I never understood why it was so important to people to have time away from the kids. My husband and I were so in love with our daughter we totally neglected each other! We didn't even realize it until she was about 3 1/2 yrs old. Thank God we got through it, but now we know we have to be connected to each other to be good parents to them.

Follow your heart! They aren't little long enough!

There are alot of great posts for you to go through. I thought I might as well put in my two cents. I have been through all the same feelings of abandonment and guilt, I think every mom has to some degree. My daughter is now 5 and either my husband or myself was home with here for 3 years. My son is 20 months and now we have a wonderful nanny helping us as I went back to work 8 months ago. Here's my take... you can't win. You will feel guitly and like there was something you could do better no matter what. When I was home with my kids I missed the interaction at work and felt isolated even though I did the swimming lessons and gymnastics and story time and play areas, the park, you name it. When I'm at work I feel like the nanny gets all the fun time with the kids. So where am I now. I have chosen a wonderful caretaker for my kids and all the interaction kids have with people outside the family can be very beneficial. They learn from all the interactions (from people in the grocery store to grandparents, to teachers, to other kids, etc.). They learn that there are nice people and not so nice people, they learn that different people can care for them in different ways, and they will respond to people differently. I think its all good for them and what is important is that you are present and happy with them and that is something you have to find for yourself and forget what others think is best for your family.

Play dates are for kids who get no other social interaction with other children. So forget about playdates you've already got social interaction covered. Mark it off your list! I too had to work when my son was little. It was very hard for me because I did not like my job and I hated leaving my little boy for a job I hated. But he really thrived and did well in daycare and now he is 12 and so well rounded and comfortable with himself. I feel better now because I know not I didn't harm him by working when he was little. And he and I are very close, I think because we learned to value the time we had together and really make the most of it. Don't beat yourself up - moms do that to themselves way too easy. You are a good mom and you just need to stop worrying yourself over this! Take care!