Should I Be Called "Mom"?

For the sake of the kids, not one second before some sort of permanent commitment is made.

JMO.

Oh goodness, a child should be able to call a person whatever they want so long as it isn't derogatory. If these children love you enough to honor you with the title mom, then they should be able to call you that. the only thing I might do is add my name so that way there is no confusion on who they are talking about.

Mom is not my title to my children because I gave birth to them. Mom is my title because I have proven myself worthy of it in my children's eyes.

After you get married, that's may work. But regardless of how much you do for them, how much you do like a mom, you are just the girlfriend. Get a commitment from him, and then deal with that. Tell the children that you are very flattered, but they have a mom and that's her name.

No, you are not their mom.
You can love them and take care of them and be a huge part of their lives, but you are not even step-mom at this point.
Maybe if and when you and your boyfriend actually get married they can call you "mama T.."
Sorry but after THREE years you're still girlfriend status?
Sounds like your boyfriend has found a free babysitter.
One that he can have sex with.
Why are you accepting this arrangement?!
Seriously.

Hmmm...sounds like your boyfriend doesn't consider you to be marriage material.

I think you have more of a problem than what the kids call you, to be honest...

So sorry,
Dawn

T.:

first off - WELCOME to mamapedia!!!

Second - no. They should NOT call you mom. You are NOT their mom. Right now - to be honest - you are more like a nanny - yes - you are doing things for them and spending time with them, taking them places, loving them, etc.

However, their mother is still alive and in the picture.
You are NOT married to their father. So you are not even a Step-mother. You are their dad's girlfriend.

Unless you and your boyfriend are going to get married in the next few months - he is right - you are NOT their mother and it is NOT a good thing for them to call you that.

I GET why you would be proud and flattered - how wonderful that your boyfriend's children ACKNOWLEDGE at their young age what a role you play in their life!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!

Sorry but this is a big NO NO IMO. Have them come up with a *nickname* for you but do not have them call you mom. Let them know that they have a mom and you love them very much but that is a special name that should only be used for their real mom.

I doubt the real mom would like her children calling you mom and it would more than likely put a wedge in the dynamics of this entire situation. So yes your boyfriend is 100% correct in this.

Congrats to you for taking such great care of these children.

Tell them to call you by your name. You are not their mom.
I know that you have really stepped up and I applaud that, but they already have a mother that they see during the week and that is their mom.
Maybe you could sit down with the two of them and think of a special name they could call you?
L.

That was not a good responce from your boyfriend. Sounds like he isnt thinking of you as a long term part of there lives.

Ditto Dawn, Mamazita and Julie. Please reread their posts. They are dead on.

You are missing the big picture here, and missing it in a big way.

These poor kids are spending more time with you than with either of their parents; that's why they think of you AS a parent now. While it's very commendable that you love them and are so willing to care for them, can you step back enough to recognize that, one, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be on the road to marriage (or any further commitment) with you, and two, you are being used by both him and the mom? They get a driver and tutor for their sons -- for free. You are doing it out of love, no question. But ask yourself: Why are the parents LETTING you do it to this extent?

If it's because your boyfriend and you are unquestionably going to set up together permanently, that would be great. But....are you? Or is he happy to go on with things exactly as they are: With you caring for his children, and him too, but him not having to commit to you any further?

Better to figure this out now, before these boys get any more attached to you and you to them, than to stick with this arrangement and find that your boyfriend is less interested in you as a girlfriend than as a very loving, and convenient, caregiver for his sons.

It is sweet that they want to call you this, but until you are married to their father AND have permission from the real mom, this is too confusing for them.

They should use your first name. If and when you marry their father, then you can come up with an appropriate name for them to call you.

I suggest that they should not call you Mom because you are not yet in a role that you know will be permanent. You're not married to their father and have no legal standing. They will be bereft if you have to leave their lives. Having thought of you as their mom will make it even more harder on them.

You need to maintain clear boundaries. Yes, tell them you love them but reassure them that they already have a mom. It's important that they keep their relationship with you separate from their relationship with their mother.

It's wonderful that you are caring for them as a mom would. You could suggest that they call you Mom T. so that they will be better able to keep you and your care separate from their mother and her care.

I adopted a daughter after having her as a foster daughter. Even tho the plan was for me to adopt her I was told that it was important to be called differently than her birth mother. I became Mom M.. Only after I adopted her was she able to call me Mom.

I'm with Christine on this. Giant red flag from boyfriend. I'd have a good hard talk with him. If you are that involved in raising his children but he isn't interested in making you a permanent fixture, you have a serious problem.

Nope.
You're not mom.
You're not a stepmom, either.
Your BF is right on this.

First... they already have a Mom.

Second, you are not even a StepMom, you are a girlfriend. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is taking advantage of you by handing off parental responsibilities on you.

I think it is great that you do love and care for the children but like someone else said... you sound more like a loving nanny.

If they call you Mom, you could be setting up a battle with their bio mom that would damage all of the relationships. Yes, it is very flattering that the children care so much for you but allowing them to call you mom can backfire really fast.

This issue could be revisited when and if you ever marry your boyfriend and really... 3 yrs?

No, they should not call you M..

After reading the answers, I agree about the red flag. You probally won't be with your boyfriend as more than you are now. I would not stay with someone over 5 years if it was never leading to marriage and I wanted marriage.

Not until your boyfriend is ready to turn a 3 year live in situation into marriage. You don't have any reason to assume that mom or step mom are appropriate. You are his girlfriend..not a mom or step mom. But you do have pseudo-mom role because you are the one stepping up and supporting these boys.

I would ask these sweet young boys to come up with a very cute and endearing word for you that only they call you. It separates you from "mom" and also being just a girlfriend to someone they are relying on for all the things a mother would do. They love you and have a special connection and affection for you... so I do think they deserve to call you something special other than just your first name.

When adults mess up their child's homelife by divorcing or never marrying the mother in the first place and then move on and start living together without true commitment that entitles titles then it really confuses kids...and the one that is putting in the most time(you).

Good luck and best wishes!!

I think another nickname is appropriate. It's wonderful that they feel that way about you, so kudos to you for that! Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with them and are fulfilling a role that they need in their lives.

That said...they have a "mom" already and she is not you. She might not be living up to the title very well, but she is alive and well and in their lives. To have them calling you her "name" is disrespectful of her unique role in their lives. Additionally, you're not married to their father. It sounds like you are in a very committed relationship, and there may be some very good reasons why that hasn't become a formal marriage, but that's a pretty big technicality. Not that being married would change my opinion on them calling you "mom," but it's an additional entry in the "no" column.

FWIW, I my husband and I are raising my step-daughter. Her mother abandoned her to us at the age of 13 a couple of years ago and has visited her only once and hasn't had any contact in over a year. I am very much her mother (I've known her since she was three and we got married when she was 5) but she still calls me by my first name and her mother is still referred to as "mom." We have agreed to that keep things simple, she's free to refer to me as "my mom" or I can call her "my daughter" when we're in situations where the legal nature of our relationship doesn't matter. My oldest son does call my husband, his step-father, "dad" but that's because his birth father left before he was born and isn't in the picture at all.

So...come up with a cute nickname - maybe "Mama T." or something like that could work?

I think it's great if they call you mom. Obviously they need a mom, and you sound wonderful. BUT, unfortunately, your boyfriend is right.

Here is the problem: your boyfriend has just given you a big red flag with what he said. He is saying that you and he might not be together in the future. Why would he say that? How long have you been together? Have you talked about your future together?

If they start calling you mom, and you and your bf break up, it will be harder on them. Have you discussed marriage? Set a date? If you guys are going to get married, then by all means, have them call you mom.

I know one guy who dated a woman, and after they broke up he continues to be "dad" to her kids. They call him dad, and he does all kinds of things for them. It works out for everyone. But that's a very, very rare case. Do you intend to stay in these kids' lives for the rest of their lives, even if you and bf break up? Even if you wanted to, usually successive girlfriends and/or wives won't let you do that.

Unfortunately, at this point they should not call you mom. I think you can tell them that you love them like a mom, but you're not their mom yet, since dad and you aren't married. And then maybe you should start working on dad to set that date. Why are you doing all this for him without a ring on your finger? He is getting free nanny service, and I don't know what you're getting in return.

Great advice from Ina, and probably many others.

How does their mother feel about this? If the tables were turned, would you want your kids calling a girlfriend "mom"? Personally I would discourage it for now by telling them that they have a mom and that title is reserved for her. Tell them that you are flattered and proud, but you've thought it over and want to be respectful of their mother. However, they can call you something like T.-mom or some kind of version (if your boyfriend is ok with that). I also would discourage it because you are not married to their father, and he has concerns about his children referreing to you as "mom."

"Life gives you many mothers" is the phrase that I learned from a dying mom blogger several years ago. It really struck me. And when I look at my own life, I can see that it's true. That doesn't mean I would be thrilled to have my girls calling my husband's girlfriend "Mom" if we ever came to that situation. Oh, I would be bitter and angry and hurt about it, no doubt. Hopefully, though, I could focus more on what my daughters need and less on what I want.

The fact that his kids have asked is a huge honor and credit to your caretaking. Perhaps there is some happy medium, like Mama T. or whatever. (Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely adore my Wicked Stepmom, which is what she calls herself... she is one of my best friends and confidantes.)

Visit with them and come up with a nickname they can call you. The mom will be livid if they call you mom because no matter how much interaction you have with them you will never be their mom.

So think up some different things they can call you. My daughter calls her step mom mama Lucy, not giving her real name online but you get the idea. A friend of mine let the boyfriends kids call her meme.

It can be just something between the 4 of you too. It doesn't have to be anything that means mother or momma to anyone else.

When my ex and his wife, mama Lucy, took in one of our grand kids to raise he got to be about 3-4 years old and started having behavior problems. They had him full time and my daughter hardly ever saw him, maybe once every 3-6 months. He started some counseling services and it eventually came out that all his friends had a mom and a dad but he didn't. The behaviors were his way of acting out from feeling abandoned. They told my daughter what was going on and she suggested he could call them mom and dad as long as he knew she was his momma. That worked out well for everyone.

So unless mom is on board for them calling you anything but your given name you should just let them know you love them but would not do anything that would hurt their mom's feelings.

As a mom, I would not want my kids to call anyone else mom. That said, if they truly felt they wanted to, I would not tell them they couldn't (I would be heartbroke but wouldn't tell them that). Provided it is their idea and not yours or anyone else's, I think it is ok.

However, since you are really just their dad's girlfriend, I suggest you tell them that you are flattered and dont' personally mind, it would probably be better if they called you some other special name..."Momma T." or "MT" for short. Since their dad has expressed not thinking it is a good idea, this is especially true.

I don't think you should use "Auntie" as others have suggested...you are not their aunt nor are you just a friend of the family who would be considered an aunt. Their dad is not living with their aunt. Calling you aunt could be even more confusing due to explanations later especially if you two do end up getting married.

While I do see where you (and others) may see a red flag regarding your boyfriends comment about the position it puts them in the future, I can also see where he's both right and maybe you took it wrong, He could mean simply that you aren't married and until you are there is always a chance something could change (and even after) and he doesn't want it to be even harder on them. He could mean that if mom suddenly had another man in her life, he wouldn't want them calling that someone else "Dad" so it is best not to set the precedence. So the comment may have little to do with you and more to do with him thinking ahead. Talk to him and ask him what he meant. Best to clear the air.

When my son was 3 1/2, I started dating my current husband. He always just called him "Jason" and shortly before we got married, he asked if he could call him "Dad" after the wedding. My now husband was with him every day and was very much his father. There were times when his dad didnt' see him for months (one time over a year went by with no contact, not even a call). I asked my son "Do you want to call him "Dad""? and he said "yes but not until the wedding". We said ok. We've been married for over 14 years now (my son is 21) and he still calls him "Jason". He does occassionally refer to him as his dad because sometimes that is easier but we never pushed him either way. There have been a few times when he was with his dad and he'd be talking about Jason and inadvertantly refer to him as dad and his dad was very hurt. His stepmom reminded his dad that "Jason is his dad on a daily basis" and one time even "You did that when you chose to not be very active". It didn't make him less upset but it did put in in perspective and keep him from saying something to our son.

I would wonder about the future since he said something about the position it would put them in the future. After three years is he unsure where this relationship is going?

For now, I would just tell them that really made you feel good, but right now they should call you T. and if the relationship between you and their father changes, then they can call you Mom.

If they are comfortable with it, and BF is comfortable with it and you are comfortable with it, then I would let them. Now, if BF doesn't feel comfortable at this point, then hear him out. And also suggest he talk to the boys - not in a "don't you dare call her mom" but "how about you wait to call her mom til she's your stepmom?" and "No matter what name you use, we both know she's very special to you and you are to her."

I would be a little more concerned about you doing so much and being such a big part of their lives and your BF not acting like he thinks that's a long-term deal. Maybe you and BF need to chat.

As a child I was told I could call my "step parents" whichever made me comfortable.

Dad/name"first name"
First name only
mom/dad

I chose out of respect first name only. But I often when talking to others refer to them as mom/dad. They are my mom and dad as well. Both my dads walked me down the isle...both my moms rec'd roses on my wedding day.

Each one of my parents has brought something to my life that the others have not. I am lucky...and if those kids are asking if it's ok...then THEY think it's ok, and that should make anyone feel proud. The "additional parent" and the "birth parent"...should be happy their kids are happy and have so many people that love them and want what is best for them.

Makes me sad that people would be so selfish...I'm glad my bio parents never made me feel that it was "wrong" to call the additional parent mom/dad.

thanks for reminding me to tell them all how much they mean to me.

ETA: to those say no because they are married...because it will hurt them to call her mom and then they break up...ok but is it going to hurt more just because they call her mom? NOPE...either way it's going to hurt the the same...they see her as a mom...whether or not they call her that now or never they already see her that way...won't make a difference!

No , at this point they have a mom. And it could cause problems with mom.
And you aren't there permanently . Until the time you marry their dad , you are just the girlfriend. Their dad should be the one that is concerned with their everyday care when they are at their dad's house, sounds like you've become the live in nanny. Why are you putting up with this arrangement , really 3 yrs ?

I would say no, even though you want to, since you and their father are not married. But maybe instead of Mom (which will certainly upset their own mother) something with a variation of your name, like Mama T or something.

Your boyfriend is right. The kids have a mom - SHE is the one they should call mom. You can decide on whether you want them to call you T. or Auntie or something else. However mom is taken. It would be different if she were dead and no longer part of their lives. How is it a red flag that he thinks their actual mom should be known as mom to the children?

Try thinking of the reverse situation. Would you want the new girlfriend or wife being called mom? Think not - that would be your name.

I do NOT see any red flags that you and bf are not married after 3 years. IMO, that would be pretty fast. DH and I got married after 23 years. I think it is great that you are a part of the kids' lives as long as that is what you want.

ETA: If you were married you would still NOT be their mom. You would be their step mom. Or momma T. or whatever other term you might like. As long as their mother is in their lives - SHE is mom.

I disagree w some of these posters. A mom does not necessarily have to be the woman that gave birth to you!!! I called one of my best friends moms, mom when we were growing up. I had a mom. A full time mom. I lived with and loved my mom! I called my BFF's mom, mom because I loved her too. Not in the same way, but she was motherly to me, and I spent just as much time with her mom as I did with my mom. It was a term of endearment. My own mother was never threatened by this or told me not to call her mom, never, not once. My mom knew that I loved her more than anyone else in the entire world, therefore she never felt threatened by my calling my Bff's mom, mom. She was happy that I had another mom that I could count on. If the kids want to call you mom, that should be their decision, so long as you are ok with it. I suppose that your boyfriend's wishes should be taken into account but heck if you are the one spending the most time with them....and they see you that way...you have earned it! Good luck and keep up the great work! Too bad there aren't more "second" moms out there like you!

Talk with your boyfriend about this. See if he likes, "Mama T.", then explain to them that Mama is for their Mother, and "Mama T." is for you, that way the kids sort of get their way, and respect for their Mother is given by them and you(as I am sure you do).

If they say it this way around their Mother, their will be no hard feelings either.

My stepfather didn't like the idea of "Dad", but when "Grandpa" time came around...:P

I disagree with the red flags though. Three years is not too soon, especially with young, impressionable kids involved.

I so dislike, "Auntie". One of my friends is going through this stage, and now that she and their father are getting married, the kids do not want to call her, "Mama ~*~".

This is just my 2 cp.

Nah.

But tell it to them gently. You don't want them to think that you are refusing their love for you. You must be a real gem for boys WITH A MOM, to even ask that. Cool!

Your boyfriend is correct on this. Don't allow the boys to call you Mom. It's flattering, yes, but you're not their mother and you're not their stepmother.

The thing is that even though the boys are comfortable with it and even if you planned to spend your life with the guy, even if there was the perfect relationship and things all around were just perfect, your boyfriend is NOT comfortable with it. That alone is reason not to allow it. Be respectful of him.

You can use a different and special title with them instead.

It's wonderful that you have a great reaionship with the boys! Huge red flag from the boyfriend though since you are just his girlfriend and he is concerned about the future. It sounds like your boyfiend found a sweet way to have his kids taken care of though.

Well it is great that they love you that much but points to consider 1) they have a mom 2) you and their father are not married. I would say no. Come up with a special name that only they call will you.

NO they shall not call you "MOM" why because you are not their "MOM" & you should of told them so when they asked you if the can call you "MOM".You'll understand when you have a child of your own

There are forty-two answers ahead of me! I haven't read them. But I'll put my two cents' worth in.

The boys certainly must have affection for you if they want to call you Mom! In fact, I'm getting teary-eyed.

If their birth mother is also "Mom," you might suggest to them that you don't feel quite comfortable encroaching on that name, and that they might find another name for you. You all could get together and evaluate all the possible substitute names for "Mom" - or even make up one! - that would say, "This woman is special to us." You might start here:

http://www.mothersdaycelebration.com/mother-in-different-...

It would be a name that is special to the three of you, whether the rest of the world knows about it or not. I don't know what your boyfriend thinks may happen in the future, but hopefully nothing in the future would prevent their calling you by this secret (if you like) name if the bond of love continues.

Be sure to realize, and to tell the boys, what a great tribute they have given you by wanting to give you a name of honor instead of just referring to you by your first name like people do the grocery clerk or the waitress.

I feel that since they came to you and asked you, they genuinely feel this way. I would say its perfectly fine if you are ok with it. It sounds like you have been a very loving, stable person in their lives and they appreciate you. Good job mama!

It drives me nuts to see mothers hoarding a term of endearment and demanding their kids do what they say in the matter. It's absolutely selfish. If the children wish to call you mom, then that is their choice. As long as YOU are okay with it then I'd think no harm done. It's not about their mom. It's just an affectionate term they wish to share with you. You could try a variation like M. or Mema. My daughter calls her grandma M., and I don't go all crazy about it. But I do agree with others that it's a red flag here that your boyfriend isn't okay with it.

gosh I think everyone is so selfish and hold the term higher than the kids feelings!

the kids should have 2 moms and 2 dads if the parents remarry! they shouldnt feel any less of a child to those step parents than the future new siblings. they should call them whatever THEY want to. afterall they didnt choose the divroce and living in seperate homes

My daughter asked to call my boyfriend dad last year at 5 years old. we had already spoken about getting married and know we will and it was very important to her. she had very clear reasons. she did not like corecting people at school when he picked her up (her actual dad never can pick her up from school he works too far away) and also she said she hates feeling like she made a mistake when she accidentally calls him dad and saying oops and then saying his name.
we talked, her dad although it hurt him a little thought it was great she loved him that much and was glad she would have a 2nd dad and said ok. my boyfriend was super proud to be asked and said ok. as of now she calls him by name 75% of the time, but at times calls him dad. also if he says "your dad" to her she corrects him and says "say your other dad, you're my dad too". it';s important for her to hear that he loves her as if she was his own and to feel like we are a complete family even though she has two homes.

i'd like to admit, YES, if we somehow broke up before marrying it would hurt her, J. as it would if we divorced, but honestly it would hurt her the same no matter what the title and he would continue to be in her life either way. we're in it for the long run so i dont see that in our future, but have spoken about it.

Aside from that I do see your boyfriend's response as a huge red flag. it almost seems as if he doesnt plan on you being in their lives forever. i would address that

If they're comfortable with it and their mother is okay with it, it's okay. If their mother isn't okay with it, then they shouldn't.

What are your plans with BF? How serious is this relationship? If you were about to tie the know and be together for I would say sure, it's a god thing.

On the other hand his comment "its not a good thing because of the position it might put them in the future" makes me wonder if your relationship is more casual and whether you should get so involved with these kids.
It's too late to undo the time you have spent with them, but be aware that if you effectively become their step mom, even if you are not married to BF, they will suffer a great deal if either of you decided to call it quits.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with BF about where your relationship is headed and the effect it is having on his kids.

If you feel their mom may be upset about them calling you "mom" you could always alter it just a little bit: Mom T. or some other mane you come up with. DD had a friend with same sex parents where one was mommy and the other was mamaya.
Good luck.

If the boys feel this strongly about it...that they brought it up...i feel it could be hurtful to tell them No. But do you think the other mom will flip a lid?? that would cause stress on the boys....
Suggest something like Mommy T, Mama T, something a little diff then what they call their other mother.

only if their mom agrees, and i doubt she will. it's sweet that they want to, though, isn't it?
khairete
S.

I am a stepmom, and I think that you should be flattered that they want to call you "mom." However, being a stepmom, I am very aware of the dynamics of blended families. There is enough strain trying to raise a child between two houses that you don't need to put another strain on it!

It's obvious that moms tend to be very protective of their children and their titles. So I would not let your BF's children call you "mom." It doesn't matter if their mom is terrible and you are Super Stepmom (or Super Girlfriend). Let the bio mom be "Mom." It's what she is.

I don't think they should call you Mama T. either since you're not married. That could be confusing as well.

Once you get married, you should be PROUD to be a stepmom! Us stepmoms are not all like the Disney stories. We love our step children, we work hard to dance around sensitive parental issues, and we step UP when we need to, and step BACK when we need to. Hence STEPmom!

It should be a badge worn with pride! I love it when my SD calls me "Stepmommy." It's what I am, I am not her mother, I am not trying to be. I'm proud of what I do for her, and I want her to be proud of that too.

I think there's room for moms and stepmoms in children's lives. I think one does not need to be confused for the other. A Mom is a Mom, and a Stepmom is a Stepmom and we should all be proud to be who we are.

Good luck!

I am going to restrain myself from entering the shark pool - except to tell those "you are not their mom" people to get off their high horses. Good grief. Anyway, my sister is in a similarly complicated situation and the kids call her Mama Risa. There is Papa Randy, Papa Mark, etc. It might be a good solution for you.

Oh I just can't hold back. You are being more of a mom than their "real mom" and the kids can obviously tell that, too. I have my "own biological" kid and I can see this. Some people are so ignorant and mean. I admire you for being there for these kids and for being concerned about how to handle the situation. Back off haters. Be helpful, for pete's sake.

I think it is wonderful that you do all this for the kids and have this great relationship with them. You should be very proud and happy that they have asked to call you this. But I can say that it is a bad idea. Tell them that you are so flattered, but you have thought about it and you think it best that they call you ____________, either your name or some other term, but not mom.
It will cause problems and the reality is that it is not true. You are neither their mother or even their step mother at this point. Your "boyfriend" is right. It will cause them problems and they are too little to understand the negative flack they will receive from saying this.
Hope Your "boyfriend" is moving to make this relationship more permanent for their sake and appreciates you appropriately and you are not just a babysitter with benefits. Three years is a long time, especially when you are just 7 or 8. That is half their lives.
It is healthy boundary setting and it sounds like you need to do some of it. You should not be spending more time with someone's kids when you are nothing more than the girlfriend. It is not a healthy thing for you or the kids.

I am a divorced mom and I have 1 child with my exhusband who has remarried. I would never, ever be ok with my daughter calling her step mother mom not now, not even if I died. She calls her Mrs then uses her first name. Since my daughter is older she knows it-it is clear to all parties and her stepmom knows to not even go there. She is listed on my daughters FB as stepmom..but my daughter asked me first. I think it's because I would feel betrayed and very hurt that she is using a very special word that I feel should be kept and used for me alone. In this I am selfish, I have earned it and I make no apologies to anyone for how I feel about it.

I see though how you feel in a strange position. You and your boyfriend have been together for 3 years and you take on a lot of mothering type of roles and responsibilities. Children gravitate toward whoever is paying the most attention and you obviously are maybe even more so then their mom is for them to feel that way. I would encourage them to call you by a different name and not mom. I don't dismiss your importance bc you are "just a gf" you've been together for a long time..I just hope you bf sees the gem that you are and makes it official. Wishing you the best!

Regardless of what your boyfriend says or thinks, you need to talk to their mother about it. She probably will not be comfortable with it at all.

I think it's great that you act like a true mother to them and that clearly they see you this way as well. Help them come up with another name that encompasses this, but doesn't take away from their own mom. Something like Mama T, Mama T., Mee-Ma, etc. might be best for everyone.

My son and I recently became close with the family of a boy in his class. He calls both his mom and his stepmom "mom." The stepmom has been in his life since he was nine months old and she treats him 100% like her own son. He alternates weeks with his mom and his dad/stepmom. When he first started calling the stepmom "mom," she ran it by his mother and she said she was ok with it. She's not. It makes her uncomfortable and she wishes she'd said no when she had the chance. Now, it's too late, since it's been about 2.5 or 3 years. It is awkward and confusing. When he talks about "my mom," we never know which one he's talking about.

You and his mother are both important, special people in his life. They need to come up with a different name for you.

It's kind of strange for kids to want to call you Mom when their Mom is still in their lives and I don't think Mom would be pleased about it.
Mom / Mama / Mommy / Mother are special honorary titles.
It's for who gave birth to you or is married to your father or who adopted you.
You might care for them a great deal but you are none of the above.
You're the nanny with privileges.
Aunt / Auntie is fine because sometimes Aunts/Uncles are friends of the family rather than blood relatives.
So is some other name/title if it's not already taken.
While growing up we use to call our day care babysitter Nanna.
Grandma is what we called our grandmother (our other grandmother passed away before we were born) and it worked out fine.

I would tell them to call you whatever they feel comfortable with. maybe momma T. or something similar would work out for everyone. Nicknames and familiar names for family members have to develop naturally. I worked at a school, one of the girls had two mommies (lesbians), she called one mommy and the other one blue mommy, I think blue mommy was a nurse so she was always in blue scrubs or something. Just let them call you what they want, my guess is they will go through a phase where they alternately call you mom or your name and eventually settle on something in between.