Severely Stressed - Relocating, Losing Kids, Dealing with Crazy Family Members..

Yikes. Sounds like a mess.

I can see that your older kids might be wanting to stay in the area, and they are intrigued by a father who disappeared but now seems to want to have some relationship. A male role model is important to boys, and you won't "win" if you are perceived to be getting in the way of that. I can't believe they will be happy living with him and all those people, but I also see that you can't hold out and maybe get a 2 bedroom, maybe a 4 bedroom.

It seems to me that your boys need to decide if they are "minors" and want a bedroom provided by Mom, or if they want to be on their own. If they are staying with you, then you have every right to make them do stuff to pack and get the house ready. That means you take away their cars or cell phones or computers unless and until they function as responsible members of the family. If they are, on the other hand, "adults" and beyond your right to dictate to, then they need to pack up their stuff and move to their own place. That can be with Dad, or they can get jobs and get their own apartment (wait until they find out how much money they have to put down, and that's assuming they can find anyone willing to rent to 18 and 20 year olds). So I'd send them out to look for a new residence and get some lease agreements so they know what's in store. Or they should start moving things to their father's place.

If they aren't including you in their plans or their thoughts, then you tell them you are making plans without them, you understand they want to stay in the area with their friends or to have a relationship with their father. You tell them you love them enough to let them go even though you will miss them terribly, and you hope they find good jobs and will come see you at Thanksgiving, you'll have a couple of inflatable mattresses or a pull-out couch for them and you will love to see them.

If you get a 2 bedroom in CA and then they call and say "we want to come home to you," you have to be tough enough to say "I'm sorry, there's no room for you here, because I made plans based on your desires and needs. But I will give you the names of some realtors and you can look for a place together or find roommates.

So they can't have it both ways - they are either kids and they don't decide, or they are adults and you don't bail them out.

Make a time by when stuff has to be out of the house, even if it means you get a storage unit. Tell them to rent one of those "PODS" (Personal On Demand Storage, I think), and everything they aren't using right now goes into that unit in the driveway or the yard - the house has to be decluttered to be sold. When you leave for CA, then they can pay to have the whole unit moved to their father's house.

I'd suggest you put something in writing, like a family contract, and have them sign it.

But you cannot be the person in charge of everyone's comfort, emotional well-being, housework, packing and so on. If they have adult privileges from you (allowances, cars, phones, etc.) then they are adults. Start putting things in their names so they get the bills.

Good luck!

You have a big load on your plate. But here's the thing: it's time to accept that the boys are making their own decisions and you need to be clear about expectations. After that, let go.

Were I in your situation, this is what I would do:
I would write down a short explanation for each of your sons to sign, being clear about expectations. "I understand that Mom and sister are leaving on X day and I need to be out of the house on that date. I understand that staying in the house is not an option. (trust me, you do not want teens living in your house without you-- they often have no sense of responsibility and you eliminate the possibility of their father weaseling his way into 'their' place. If they feel like they want to support their dad, they will need to get their own place.) I understand that Mom and sister and stepdad will be getting a place in California that is the right size for their family and moving back in with them may not be an option." If your sons are graduated, they are capable of getting a job and getting a place. It sounds like they think the grass is greener-- my real gut instinct, however, is that this may be less about connecting with their father and more about staying close to what they know and their friends.

There is nothing wrong with making expectations crystal clear. W., I was living independently at 18 with a full time job, first renting a room in a house and then getting my own apartment. You will be doing them a huge favor in not letting them depend on you or expecting you will pick up the slack. My guess is that there will be a rather large reality check coming to them in regard to their expectations of their dad.

As for the rest: I'd stop posting anything at all on Facebook. It sounds like some of your family is being toxic right now. Let your sister-in-law flap in the wind-- just chalk it up to her being crazy and move on. Your mom? Just tell her firmly "Mom, if you want to come help pack, that's great, but I don't have time for you to come and pick through the house. I really have a lot of work to do." Or you can tell her that she's more than welcome to come get what you plan on donating and take it to the Goodwill-- she can pick through it when you are done.

Lastly, I'd set your young men down and explain that you need help, and if they don't want to help you, they need to ask you for NOTHING. Not a glass of juice, not dinner--- nothing. If they are being so self-absorbed that they can't help, they can get their stuff out of the house and find a place. (Were they so unhelpful before?) "If you are not here to help me, I need you to be getting your stuff together and moving out. It's unreasonable for you to be here and not pulling your weight. So, either get this list taken care of (and hand them a printed list) or start packing, because you are behaving very selfishly and I don't appreciate it."

Take charge, W.. Kick their butts into gear or out of the house. I'll say this: I moved back in with my mom and her boyfriend when I was nearly 20 for a short while as I was getting ready to head out to boot camp and I did *everything* in that house while I was there. Dishes, painting the fences, laundry, and tidying up... pulling one's weight is important, and my mother discussed those expectations with me before agreeing to let me stay with them for a bit. I slept in the large mud room on a mattress with a sleeping bag for that while, too. If push comes to shove and for some reason the boys need an interim place to stay, be clear about what their tasks are, when they are expected to be completed, what their end of the contribution needs to be, and set a date for moving out. They can do fine on the floor in sleeping bags, too.

Funny he just got a job after years of not paying child support-thinks he doesn't have to pay anything in arrears. Not in our state -he would have to.
So hard, wish I could give you a big hug.You are probably right in a few months MOM???? so if possible find an empty space on your floor. HUG

Sorry you are so stressed. Ignore you sister in law, if she is so worked up over a post that she goes into the hospital, then she is a bit nutty. How can your move stress her out that much?! That's silly.

As for your sons, as hard as it is they are grown and are making their choice. You should move and plan it without them. Now if you can afford a place that has enough room for them, great, if not, so be it. At 18 and 20 they should either be in college, in which case they only need a place in the off months or working full time in which case they can get a small apt together.

Its not mean, they have to grow up at some point, esp the 20 year old. Living with you or their father, they need to have some direction and goals in life.

Good Luck!

We are moving next week, so I know how stressful this is. If I were you, I would give the boys a date to move out. If its at their dads or with each other or room mates, whatever, but they are ADULTS and frankly, need to be out on their own. Especially if they don't want to move to the other coast. As far as packing goes, you have to just start. I don't understand how you "don't know what's going on". If your husband is already in CA, isn't he staying somewhere? Maybe HE can find you a 3 bed in CA. That way, if one or both of the boys need to move home, they can get bunks in the extra room. I don't know, but you really only need to get the house packed and move with your daughter, the boys need to learn to grow up. JMO. Good luck.

The boys have a pie in the sky attitude about their dad. You could sit down with them and show them with pencil and paper how much it costs on a monthly basis to support them. Write it all out, clothes, shoes, food, daycare (from when they were little) school fees, etc then break it down to monthly. Explain to them 'dad never paid child support and I did the best I could. When you wanted to go to... and I couldn't afford it or you wanted X shoes or clothes and i could not afford it --- now you see why.

Then contact the child support agency and tell them your ex just got a job and is now living in Penn. They can track him through his social security number. Hopefully you can get some of the money he owes you.

About the move. Start packing non-essentials such as holiday decorations and winter clothes, and kick-knacks or decorations, extra blankets or pillows. Also start to sort into 3 piles - keep-donate/sell-toss. As you are able to get rid of stuff and get a plan in motion you will begin to relax. Don't worry about providing a place for your boys, they are legal adults now and can fend for themselves.

As far as you Mom and SIL are concerned: Tell SIL she has a choice -- you can stay there and be homeless because you have no income or you can move and she will have a nice warm place to visit when the NY winters get to her. About Mom--- when you sort through the toss piles tell her she can 'shop' there.

I agree that your sons should move in with their father. It will be a sobering experience. They will find out that they actually HAVE to work because he is such a lazy SOB that he won't put up with them doing nothing.

Tell your sons that either they pack their things and mow the lawn, or you will throw their stuff out on the lawn along with the boxes. And DO it. I mean it too.

I have made this move with my husband more times than you would believe. My kids ALWAYS help.

You do need to just find a place for your and your daughter and husband. Their really awful behavior needs a grown up consequence. Time to grow up. If they want to come home, they will have to sleep in sleeping bags and go to work to raise money to get their own apartment. You do NOT need to have able-bodied young men who are old enough to be gone off to college living with you, sponging off of you. They've already proven that they won't do what you ask in the house. I promise you that they won't get a job if you provide them with a cushy place to live. They've proven this already.

If you don't plan to keep everything, then be very STRICT in what you let your SIL have. Ignore her hystrionics about the hospital. If you want to keep stuff, get it in storage. The faster you box things up and tape up those boxes, the less your SIL can look at.

I wish you luck getting through this.

Moving is always stressful, especially if you’re doing it without your husband’s help and your kids aren’t helping you at all.
You’re sons are old enough to make their decision AND live with the consequences; I’m sure they will soon find out what type of father they have and they will either move to CA with you or have to find a way to live independently, either way it would be a good outcome for them and they will gain perspective on their father and a lesson on consequences (every action has a reaction of an equal or higher intensity).
In terms of your boys helping you, tell them they are responsible to pack/donate their own stuff because they’re not children anymore and if they don’t, you’ll assume it’s all giveaways/donations and once things are gone, you don’t have the budget to replace so they would need to do it on their own and then actually donate a few non basic stuff so they know you’re serious.
As for a new house, I would get a 3 bedroom house so that you would have a guest bedroom for guests or a home office; if they move back they would have to share and if they complain about not having their own room tell them that since THEY decided to stay back in NY, you decided to pick a house that suited your knew situation better and don’t apologize for it (one more consequence of their decision).
And if people want to “shop” at your house for things you’re not taking, tell them the “sale price” for it, is to help you pack and get your house ready and make it a win situation for all.
Best of luck to you and your family!

I urge you to talk with your doctor about getting an anti-anxiety medication to help you thru this.

Once you get moved, I urge you to get counseling to learn about boundaries and how to defend them.

For now, make a list of what has to be done. Put only actual physical things to be done. For example: get house ready to sell and under that put pack clothes, pack kitchen stuff, pack etc., sort etc.

Do not go over past history. Focus only on what has to be physically done. Your boys, at 18 and 21, should be able to make arrangements for when they can move in with their father or live elsewhere. Give them a date by which they must be out of the house. If they aren't out then they move with you. You don't say if they have jobs and can be self-sufficient. If not, then they have to move with you, if that's what you want and if they haven't already moved with Dad.

If they refuse to move then where they live is their responsibility. They are legally adults.

Because it's likely that they'll learn who their father really is, I'd find a house with room for them. Except for telling and expecting them to make their own plans to move assume that they'll be back with you eventually, if you want them back. Otherwise, get a 2 bedroom apartment. You decide what you want. Stop waiting for others to decide.

It's way past time for boundaries. Boundaries are when you decide what you will and will not accept. Start thinking about what you want for your self, your family, and your under age daughter. Write this down. Then make a list of what you need to do to make this happen.

Tell your mother, if you don't want her to shop at your house that she's not to shop at your house. If you have things you don't want to take with you, you could tell her that once you've packed she can come look at what's left.

You are NOT responsible for your sister's stress level. Ignore her. Don't look at her Facebook page. You have too much stress yourself to even be with her. When she calls, tell her you have to go and hang up. Set boundaries around these relationships, too.

The FIRST thing I would do is to tell them that they either get in their and pack their rooms by x date or you will go in with a garbage bag and throw everything out. And I would mean it and I would do it!

Then I would give them a date by which they MUST tell you what they are going to do, i.e., move with you or stay. Of course, if they don't pack up that room, they won't get this choice because you will leave them here. If they can't help with the move, then they don't do the move.

If they don't have a definitive answer for you on moving by the due date, then they are NOT going and you will go forward on that basis. Once you find a 2 bedroom, they cannot change their minds.

This is all about making choices and living with the consequences of those choices.

I understand what you mean by the difference between visiting and living. My grandkids tell me they want to live with me but I try to explain to them that if they lived with me things would not be like they are when they visit on the weekend. They don't get it either.

Well, I agree that you need to let them have the experience of their father's life. But, you are their mom and security, so you KNOW at some point they are going to need a place to sleep at your house, even if its just a long visit, which we both know will probably become permanent at some point right? So, look for at least a 3 bedroom place, the extra room will always come in handy if they decide not to come with you right now. Think how much rearranging and organizing you can do when you have an extra room to hide the mess in! Don't get a 2 bedroom place and then have to move or be stressed again. Don't do that to yourself.

That being said, you kids are still living with you, and they still have responsibilities, and if they are not going to abide by your rules, come on they are 18 and 20, they "get it" then they can pack their stuff and move out NOW! it is not your problem where they go if they won't do simple things like clean their rooms, pack, sort, etc.. I am sure this is scary for them, but it is a reality that they are going to have to deal with. I am assuming the idea of cleaning their rooms and mowing the lawn are not new ones to them right?

Good luck, relax, and know that its ok to be overwhelmed. Just because some one can tell you to put on your big girl panties, does not mean they wouldn't have the same or even more stress than you are if given a similar situation. Let them cast that first stone!