Seperation

I was married to an alocholic. When I first left him, my son, who was about 6-7 at the time, was glad that we didn't have to live with daddy (he was not abusive, but my son saw him passed out on the floor, sofa, things like that). It was later that he begand to be angry that daddy didn't live with us. On one hand he understood, but he missed his daddy. Sometimes a child doesn't fully understand until he's much older. This same son is now 19, he was 16 before he could really accept and "wanted" to understand.

Patience, lots of love, and letting him know his feelings are ok and support...that's the best thing you can do.

Hi D.,

Sorry to hear about your situation but it sounds like you are doing the best for you and your family. Alanon is a great resource, I have been going for several years and also decided to seperate from my husband after addiction issues and his lack of desire to help himself. We have a 2 year old together and I found it difficult to help him understand what was going on. Here is a link to some good information about talking to your child about divorce/seperation and it breaks it down by different age groups http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/talking-to-preschooler...
I have talked to my son as the website recommended and he seems to understand more and be at peace with the situation. It is certainly not easy, but if your children at least understand it can help them and you during a difficult time. You are certainly in my thoughts and prayers.

M.

Dear D.,
My husband and I traveled that road for 6 years. Things finally changed when I told him that he needed to move out. My kids were terrified that I would ask them to leave when I got "mad" at them. They were 6 and 9 at the time. It took a lot of communication and patience on my part and getting help from a counselor and my husband and I attending a seminar together. I was blessed because my husband was finally ready to do something and change his behavior no matter what it took.
We both attended Pathways Core Training individually
we went to Realtionship Rich marriage seminar together
And there were a lot of other steps in the past 2 years including joining The Heartland Church and my husband becoming a Christian(yes, in that order).

If you would like to talk to me about any of this I would be happy to share or whatever you need. I started my journey at Al-Anon and that taught me to have "courage to change the things I could" and let God take care of the rest. We will pray for you and please email me if you like at ____@____.com

When my daughter was 3 we left her father. She didn't ask until about 5 or 6 why we didn't live together anymore. I told her that a judge, kind of like a principal at school, put us in a time-out for fighting (or whatever your need is)Just like they do to kids who fight at school. That worked for her, until she needed more questions answered. But that got us through until she was old enough to hear more of the details. She is 11 now and it really doesn't come up anymore. This answer was true and age appropriate. How this helps.

D....
Sounds like you are on the right track with your Al-Anon ( I assume you have a sponsor and all). Hang in there, you are not alone!

S.

hey its always tough no matter how you put it but maybe you could try telling them that he is sick and has an illness which to some extent is true, it is an illness of the spirit which allows some people to become addicted,some i believe it is hereditary but all can be cured if they want to be if you are not allready involved find a good recovery involved church, it will help you and your children connect with each other and god, i attend and am involved in one in abilene we are not that far apart, i will be praying for you, and your children but i suggest the truth as much as you can, you can sugar coat it but it always comes out anyway better from you than a well meaning stranger or another child in school being mean.

I have been sober for 8.5 years and know that the program you are in is the best you can do for yourself. I would suggest taking the kids to al-atot which is helpful. I have seen many families have to explain to their children why there is a need to seperate from mommy or daddy. The disease of addiction is just that...a disease. Explain it that daddy needs to have time to get "well" while you will be living elsewhere. I used to pray with my god-daughter every night since she was 5 for her father to get "well". He still has not gotten sober, and now as a 16 year old, she is very aware of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. She understood the concept of "one day at a time" even at the age of 5. If you need any assistance or someone to talk to, feel free to give me a call. C. ###-###-####. I will pray for you and your children and your hubby as well. Trust that God is watching over you all!

Was married to a person with addiction problems for 5 yrs. I also was a member of Al-anon. Best thing to happen happen to me. I learned so much about myself. Sory abouy your separating. It was the hardest thing I had never done but also the right one. I will place you on my pray list along with your children.

S.

Hi D.,
My boyfirend of 3years is recovering from his addiction.He has been clean for 4years now. My son is 6 and we sometimes goes to his meetings with him. My boyfirend has talked with my son and told him drugs are bad and all the things that you talk to your kids about. I was not with him when he was on his addiction. I am not sure how he talked to his kids about the addiction. I know kids are very understanding these days. My son is 6 and he understands what is going on. I saw that you took your child to a Irving program. That is where we live. If you need any advice please give me a call my number is ###-###-####. I had met several of my boyfriends friends in the meetings and maybe one of them can help. Is your husband going to try and get help? Please call and we can talk.
B.

Explain to him that his dad has a certain type illness that he has to live somewhere else to get well, because the type illness he has may hurt the family. Hopefully this will turn out true that he can be a recovering man, but if not the child may understand him having to leave this way rathur than feel abandoned. I think the Al-anon meetings are great for all of you to help in the situation, I think this is a great organization. Good luck, this type thing isn't easy, but you will get through it espically with the friends at Al-anon.

D.,

I'm so sorry you and your family are having to go through this horrible time!! It must be very hard for all of you.

There is a care group at the First Baptist church on Hwy 51 N. It is called Divorce Care but if you contact First Baptist and ask for the leaders of Divorce Care. They can give you more info. I know the leaders. They have been leading this group for 3 years that I know of. I hope you will check it out so you can get the support you need. I also think they can give you advice on what to tell your 6 year old.

I hope this helps you.

T.

A little bit about me: I'm a Christian grandmother of 5 and married happily to Jim for 5 years.

Hi D. - I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can personally empathize and know the heart break for your children and YOU! I went through the same thing and I have found that smaller children are VERY resiliant. It is important to face the ugly facts with them now rather than later. I think you will be surprised at how well young children can handle the truth. If you would like, I can give you my number and would be happy to talk to you. I know of some great support groups at my church as well. God Bless and hang in there! E.

I can't imagine what your family must be going through, but I will pray that you all get through it.
I Would recommend that you all become (16 & 21 included) in Al-anon or some type of counseling. Your 6 year old may somewhat regress in things he has done so easily in the past so be patient and try to encourage him. Your older children will also be going through an adjustment(even though they understand) so pay close attention to their changes. Now is the time to completely make family a priority. Make sure you're together (no distractions allowed - phone/cell/tv) at least once a week to go over things happening.
This is life's journey, but through faith you will have the strength and courage to get through it. You have made such a strong decision in your life.
J.

D.,
First of all, there are a bunch of us who are behind you in this difficult time. Five Star is an excellent program. Do they have any suggestions? Or your Al-Anon sponsor? Those would be the first two resources I would try. Above all, reinforce that this has nothing to do with him/her. But at the same time, don't give too much information. That will come in time. Sometimes grownups have to make decisions that are scary and strange to children, but know that it is a good decision for the family. Remind the child that he/she is loved by both parents. This may sound trite, but I have to agree with Dr. Phil on one thing, children have an amazing ability to find a bad situation and blame themselves for it. After 25 years, I am sure you've done all you can do and keep yourself sane. Recruit the older children to help with the positive reinforcement for the youngest. Find activities that can be done together, out of the home. If you are moving, include the 6 year old in ideas to make the new home "just right". Keep your head up and it will translate in a positive way. And most important, listen to the child's hopes, fears and dreams.
Hope this helps!
Nancy

D.,
First of all I want to say how sorry I am that you and your kids have to go through this!!! The very best advice that I can give to you is to find a good bible base church and some good Christian friends to help you through this. If I would have done this when my marriage started to go bad I am sure the out come would have been better! Please give this a try and do not give up on your marriage and your husband just yet. I feel you have doing the right thing about the seperation and you are wise to get your daughter out of that situation! Divorce totally sucks for everyone involved! I will be praying for you and your situation!!

B.

Get your children involved in DC4K. This is a low or no cost program geared to helping the children of divorced or separated parents. You can go to the website www.dc4k.org and put in your zip code to find the closest program to you. They are independently run, so each is different as far as time and cost, the program follows a specific curriculum to help your child through the pain and grief of divorce or separation. They also have a companion class for adults called DivorceCare. This is a great program well worth the thirteen weeks to get through it. Children and adults can go through it multiple times also.
J. Brown
Facilitator for DC4K in the Dallas area

Hi D.,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation not only for you but also your children. I know you've received some encouragement and advice already. I am a facilitator for DivorceCare currently in session at McKinney Fellowship Bible off Eldorado and 75 Central.

DivorceCare is an 11-week videotape seminar featuring nationally recognized experts on seperation and divorce recovery topics. Some of the issues addressed include anger, depression, loneliness, forgiveness and reconciliation. We meet on Tuesday nights form 7:00-9:00 pm. in Room 107. Child care is provided. The sessions are incredible and the book contains information on how to speak with and work with your child through this process. For more information or to register for the seminar, contact Pastor Mike Stewart at ###-###-#### or ____@____.com.

Brochure - http://www.mckinneyfellowship.org/clientimages/35179/care...

Contact me if you'd like to discuss this more.
A. Henderson

My first question to you is how long has your husband been drinking??? you are just now decideing to seperate after all these children??Why didn't you deal with this issue before having the last child??

Gee - it must be the season as there are a lot more of moms in your place lately. I have been a divorce attorney for 20 years and have pretty much seen it all. We work really hard to get you the right resources to get you the information an help you need including helping your 6 year old understand while keeping it as positive as possible. Give Angela at my office a call and let her know you are from Mamasource - we'll waive the consultation fee. That way we can brainstorm together to make sure you and your family get through this in the best possible way. J. D. ###-###-####; www.janetdentonlaw.com