Separation from My Husband

Updated on April 03, 2008
K.H. asks from Sarasota, FL
49 answers

My son is 5 months old. I will never regret having him. My husband is a great father and loves him dearly. Unfortunately, we can not get along. He is an attorney - so he always has to be right. He is so critical of me as a person. I know he loves me, but it seems that I will never be good enough. He says I am to blame for 90% of our relationship problems. I have worked on myself and really tried. He says he sees how I've improved, but he's an impatient person and tired of waiting. I feel he is truly selfish, ungrateful, and unwilling to change or "meet me halfway" b/c he doesn't think he is wrong. (He even blames me for his acid reflux!) We decided this morning to separate ... I am brokenhearted ... but also relieved ... I have lost hope that he will ever appreciate me and love me for who I am - or accept that I have faults and can be emotional. He says I have low self esteem b/c I desire compliments and praise. We are considering staying in the same house and co-parenting. Anybody tried that? Any advice and prayers would be appreciated. We've been together 5 years and it seems it's always been a struggle. We're both tired of fighting. I wish there was a way to make this work. We've tried counseling before, but his only reason for going is so he can enlist the help of a professional to change me. He truly does not think he has any responsibility or can help our situation. Everything rests on me. I will never be perfect ... and I'm so tired of trying. So what's the point of going to counseling? Thank God for my baby. And I know that without my husband I never would have had my little angel, my precious son.

What can I do next?

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M.R.

answers from San Juan on

HI Kristen,

I dont think you should both live in the same house I tried it and it didn´t work out, and specially that you 2 are not getting along. break the tie to that selfish prick and get a new life. You wont regret it. bye

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K.C.

answers from Tampa on

My ex and I lived together for 2 months after we separated. It was extremely difficult. I was staying home with my daughter, so I had to find a job and an apartment. He would often belittle me. He's not even that type of person. The whole situtation was very stressful for everyone. Then he started dating. He would be out all night or on the phone with his girlfriend. Not a fun situation. It was much eaier once I moved out. We are now good friends.

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R.E.

answers from Jacksonville on

You are being made miserable by this man.

He claims you are making him miserable.

Raising a child in that environment is unhealthy and teaches the child that marriage (partnership,parenting, whatever) is stress-filled and tense and ugly.

Case closed.

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D.B.

answers from Tallahassee on

I think it is best that the two of you separate. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and since he takes no responsibility for the relationship's failure to thrive, I think you made the right decision. However, if I were in your situation, I would definitely move out of the house. You said that he blames you for everything and that you are tired of fighting. Do you really think the circumstances will change if you still live together? I admire you trying to do the best thing for your son, but living together while separated isn't healthy for you or your husband. Therefore, it will be unhealthy for your son because he will see the two of you miserable. I urge both you and your husband to work together to be the best parents for your son and to at least try to get along as best you can in front of him for his sake. Maybe if you move out, your husband will realize how much he loves you and be willing to work through your problems as a couple and see that not all the responsibility lies with you.

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M.S.

answers from Fort Myers on

Kristen, I am so sorry to hear of your separation. First let me say that this separation is not totally about you. Your husband has/had issues prior to your marriage with himself. I believe that he doesn't like himself and therefore turns his frustration upon himself to you by being critical and causing arguments. Marriage must be worked on together 100% by both parties. It is a partnership that God blessed that each partner compliments each other. For instance I am very patient and my husband is not...he can fly off the handle quicker than I. He usually sees how I react to a situation and is able to wait to see what happens. We have been married for 18 years and this is my 2nd marriage/his 1st. My first husband not a nice person he was very evil telling me that no one would ever want me and that I was a loser...truth be told HE was the loser and I found out that I was a strong woman, able to take care of myself and my daughter. I took the separation and divorce struggle to the cross and asked God for guidance. I will keep you in my prayers. If you would like to email me and talk please do so...Take care and Keep praying for God to give you direction, strength and wisdom. The road ahead is going to be rough but with your baby at your side...he will give you the strength to continue.

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M.M.

answers from Tampa on

You must do what is best for you and your son. Sounds like you've taken the first step toward that with your decision today. However, co-parenting in the same house as rivals instead of friends can be damaging to your little one. Your son will see his mommy through daddy's eyes every time daddy says an unkind word to you or you both argue. They may be small but they are like little tape recorders recording everything they experience. They have a blank slate that you write on everyday and mommy and daddy arguing will be more like a painful scribble.

It may be tough to be a single mom at first but you are a strong woman with a great head on your shoulders and you will make it!! And your son will thank you by growing up with a vision of an empowered mom not a beat down one. You both deserve to be happy, loved and accepted for who you are.

All the best to you both.

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S.S.

answers from Sarasota on

I know this is painful, but consider yourself lucky to be making the break sooner rather than later. I went thru a separation when my children were very young - I know how hard it is. But I also know that the counseling that eventually brought us back together only worked because we both wanted it to and we were both willing to change. Your husband has beat up your self-esteem by tellingyou that all the problems are your fault, then he has the audacity to complain about your low self-esteem - what a hypocrite!!! You should make a clean break (no home sharing) and move on with your life. THe good news is that I know of many other women who have come out of seemingly devastating breaks with men they thought they couldn't live without who ended up in much better, caring relationships after they struggled thru the break up. You will be ok - you just have to get past the hurting - remember - it will never again hurt as bad as it does now, so you already know you can survive the worst of it, because you already have!

Good luck!

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C.G.

answers from Gainesville on

Kristen, My opinion is that you need to get away from your husband. If he degrades you, then do you really think he will stop if you just live in the same house? It is not something you want your son to grow up with either....There are enough men in this world that think they are all that now.
It is never one sided for marriage that go bad. Take it from me, my first marriage was bad and now I have been married for 27 years and it is a good one. You should never stay with someone whom doesn't meet you half way. This is NOT a Man's world...... It's equal or nothing....Heck if us woman didn't have kids then there would be no men....lol Hey if you need a friend I am here...

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D.C.

answers from Orlando on

Kristen,
I know this is very hard for you. I know, I have been there too. I will tell you a couple of things I learned, that no matter what you may do, it will never be good enough and that is NOT your fault. Love is in the eye of the beholder. What may be insufficient or a reflection of low self-esteem to one man can be humbleness, and sweetness to another. Lesson learned!
I have a new husband now, and everything that was negative back then seems like an asset to me now!! About still living together? that would be conveniet to hin...he probably knows you can take him to the "dry cleaners" if you know what I mean. Plus you have some time to see things from a different perspective and help you build a stronger self-esteem. Have faith, go to church and seek our true God's advice...search in your heart, deep down...there is the answer. Be truthful to thyself.

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A.C.

answers from Tampa on

I'll have to be brief as I am a family law atty and have 2 trials this week. By way of background: I was married to a lawyer. Had two kids. Divorce took longer than marriage. Was single mom for about 7 years. Now remarried to a wonderful man. We have his 2, my 2 and our 2 year old. I've learned a lot over the years. Marriage and kids are tough. Living with a lawyer is tough but can be done. The 2 best things I ever did were these: Became a REAL Christian. Got involved at Davis Islands Baptist Church which is now South Tampa Fellowship on S. Bayshore. Went to a counselor named Dr. Joe Ferrandino way up north on Florida Avenue. Got good advice from older wives/mothers who were honest about their life experiences AND honest enough to tell me what I should hear and not what I wanted to hear. Being happily married to a great man, it may surprise you to hear me say this, but here it is: Your marriage is not irretreviably broken. You can't force him to change and don't even bother praying for God to fix him. Pray for God to work in you to help you become the person GOD wants you to be --- which may not necessarily be the person your husband tells you you should be. I hope I'm not sounding like a Jesus freak. I'm really a down to earth woman who has been humbled (I use to be a hottie smarty pants)and been forgiven and given a second chance. Don't throw in the towel. Don't beg and plead with him but rather find peace and know that this is a test. You are equipped to pass this test. I hope this helps. Reading your note brought back memories. OH! Go get these two books: For Women Only (Shaunti Feldhahn) and Power of the Praying Wife (Stormie O'Martin or something like that.) If you come to my church. We go to the 9 a.m. service and sit in the front center. Stay grounded.

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M.E.

answers from Jacksonville on

Your husband seems to be the one who has a problem if he has to find fault in you all the time. No, I would do whatever it would take to get away from him. Why would you want to remain around that type of person for one more minute and especially with your wonderful child. I do not like to encourage people to separate, but when the other person does not want you then I say pick up the pieces and start rebuilding. You will be surprised on how well you can do when there isn't someone knocking you down. You can do it. Be strong for your child and it turn you will be strong for yourself.

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C.S.

answers from Tampa on

I am sorry for your situation. I too was married to an attorney for 11 years who blamed me for 90% of our marital issues. He also had acid reflux terrible. We have 2 beautiful girls together. I suggested that if I were so horrible to deal with that he move out for 2 weeks where I couldn't be a nag to him, complain to him, etc.... He did. After 1 week he came to me to tell me that he now knew what the problem was.........he had a sexual addiction. Via the internet, sex parties, etc....
We are now divorced. It was not my fault he was so unhappy. He was living with so much guilt that he was carrying around that he blamed me for everything - is how the doctor's we went to for counseling explained.
I can almost garuntee you that you are not the one to blame for your marital issues. I would suggest that you look deeper into what is going on with him. I'm not suggesting he's a sex addict, but it's more than likely his issue, not yours.
CS

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S.B.

answers from Orlando on

Gee Kristen, I wonder why you have low self esteem. Trust me after 22 years of marriage it doesn't always get easier. My husband too has a short temper however he is very loving. Sometimes I just feel like I am walking on egg shells because I never know what wrong little word I may say for him to blow up. Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. Most my friends have the same problem with their hubbys. Go figure they are all bipolar I think. Mine can throw things and have a temper tantrum like a 4 year old. PLEASE!!! Our kids are the best aren't they. We have 3 daughters. Keep trying to communicate that is the only thing that will allow anything to work. He needs to listen and YOU ARE NOT the reason for all the problems. Especially his ACID REFLUX. That's from giving himself so much stress he probably has an ulcer from always having to be right all the time. Tell him the debate is for the courtroom and the communication and talking is for home:)
Take Care

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L.C.

answers from Tampa on

Hi Kristen,
Just want to say I am sorry for all the stress and that you are with a man that is always right. That is going to be tough. What does he say about losing you if you two can get along?
My hubby and I argue as well and we have made some progress. I request praise and compliments as well. Thank goodness my hubby loves to give it. Without it I would be upset.
We are with out our family as well.
My sister tried the coparenting and well it didnt work because she would give in and be intimite with him. He could be just fine and not want any strings but it would just crush her afterward.
Plus, her husband would degrade her in front of her children.
I do not think you should give up. I am currently reading a book on personalities. Why we are attracted to certain people and we we attract certain people. I think it would be worth reading. Basically, we do not and are not attracted to people that act like us. They actually say opposites attract.
If you have time to look up the book. It is called " I love you but why are we so different?"
Maybe if you both read it he could realize those things he is degrading you about are things he one fell in love with.

Take Care,
L.

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V.S.

answers from Gainesville on

Dear Kristen, based on my similar experience, I think Barbilee gives good advice. Find out in your heart what you can do that will truly make you happy. We cannot control or change anyone else but ourselves. Blaming others for our situation never works and is not accurate - only we are responsible for our life.

So, for now, start thinking of yourself and your precious son and what would enrich your life. Your husband, like all of us, will have to work out his problems on his own. My best to you!!

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I.Y.

answers from Gainesville on

Hi Kristen,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this stress. I would suggest reading "Lies at the Altar" by Robin Smith (she appears frequently on Oprah). It is a very good book! See if you could convince your husband to read it too (but he sounds hardheaded!)

Also if you would like maybe you two could seek marriage counseling. I know you said you have tried that again in the past...without any luck, but maybe you can speak to some friends and associates and see if they could recommend a good one in the area. Sometimes having another person (besides you) offering your husband some insight might wake him up to the damage he is doing to the relationship.

A relationship is about two people, not one. Good Luck and please update us on how things fare out!

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K.D.

answers from Sarasota on

Get out--he's a control freak! You have to set limits and set them now or else as an attorney and control freak he will rake you over the coals. Learn the florida statutes for custody (this county gives some crazy rulings) and if at all possible go back to your family for support. You have to work full time anyway and he'll have to pay more child support when you're living in seperate households so don't stay entwined in what will become a nightmare for you and your son. Know the law and your rights--you can be sure he does. Be strong. Don't let him push you around or manipulate you. You're son's future, and the role you play in it, are at risk.

S.L.

answers from Orlando on

Hello! I know you mentioned you have tried counseling before, but you guys might consider it again, for the sake of your son. Remember, it's not just you and your husband anymore. The two of you should think of what's truly best for your son and not give up until all resources are exhausted. I worked for 11 years along side my husband with youth (we actually lived with them at a children's ranch). 99.9% of our kids came from broken homes. Please, do not give up. Take a vacation together as a family and start things all over again and seek the help necessary before making the wrong decision. God never gives us more than we can bear!
I hope everything works out. Keep us posted. Congratulations on your precious baby.

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C.L.

answers from Jacksonville on

It sounds like this separation was 5 years in the making. And if you are truly separating, then do just that - live separately. Living together will get sticky sooner or later. Having a 5 month old is a lot of work, so having him around to help out is nice, but that can still be done living separately. It sounds like you have really tried on your end, but he hasn't on his. He has faults too - NOBODY is perfect. Keep your chin up and enjoy your new baby boy!

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D.R.

answers from Tampa on

Kristen,
I will be praying for you. I can tell you from experience it is very hard to live wth a ex. i have tried in my prior marriage and I think it was one of the hardest things. i come from a divorced family and I turned out fine. I think living in the same house you will argue and be tense and that baby boy of yours will feel all the bad energy. If you both cant work it out and be together and have a healthy relationship it is best for your BABY and YOU to get out on your own. Your baby will thank you down the road. You need a partner in this marriage and parenting not someone that put you down. Go to counseling for your self. Sometimes moving out and getting away from him, he will see things alittle different. I hope and pray that you both can work it out but if not be good to each other and have a positive co parenting relationship for your baby. Good luck,

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S.A.

answers from Tallahassee on

First of all, in any relationship you need to know, its never just one person's fault!! (unless it has to do with adultery) but your husband has major issues if he thinks the only reason you two go to counseling will be for them to change the way you are. He does not sound very considerate of your feelings. If he is an attorney, then he obviously knows something about seperation and divorce and by him not having you two completely move away from each other should raise an eyebrow (of yours)...

think about it, you divorce yet still continue to live together and do this "co-parenting" what's going to happen when he finds another woman? what's going to happen when he doesn't come home for the night and then he pulls the "I don't have to answer to you" card simply because you're just technically living as roommates here?

look, something is going on. You can get custody of your baby and he can support the both of you with his salary. It sounds like he doesn't want to pay up. He knows you are capable of being on your own but he's sucking the life and happiness out of you by keeping you around. He's looking to point the finger only because he doesn't want to look in the mirror.

He sits there and tells you that you have low self-esteem all because you want a compliment or a simple notice of a job well done as a new mother! screw that. You're a great mom and deserve praise at all times (but most of us don't always get it, but we do sometimes) you shouldn't be treated this way.

I know you are hearthbroken and you are hurting but listen. Be strong, go up to him and just tell him you want a divorce, you're moving out and that you will have custody of your baby. He needs to do his part and follow through...

worse case scenario, there is something going on that he isn't telling you about and I've already breifly mentioned it.

I was in this situation once before, so I know...I'm sorry you're in it now. but if you want to end this fighting and end him putting you down. you need to rise above this [email protected]____.com and take charge of your own life!

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D.P.

answers from Orlando on

Dear Kristen,
As a single mom who successfuly raised three boys to adulthood, I can tell you that the peace of the Lord and the power of prayer are indispensible. The folks encouraging you along these lines know of what they speak.
Not just from personal experience, but for 24 years I've worked as an in-home daycare provider and have seen far too many marriages dissolve and have helped more than a few little ones adjust to all the "new" in their lives. Here's something important I've learned. We are living lives of example.
You say that your husband is an excellent father. That's wonderful. He will make a good role model for your son on how to be an excellent father, himself, someday.
I would, however, caution both you and your husband that if you plan to live under the same roof, there are other roles you will be modeling that should be considered and discussed as they,too, will become the norm for your son as he grows.
Consider, is the relationship you have with your husband one you each want your son to take into adulthood. If it isn't a healthy relationship, and your son is exposed to it every day, he will naturally expect that all relationships work that way. He won't know any better until it's too late.
Believe me, I'm not a big fan of divorce nor am I advising you to live seperately. But I do want to plant the thought that if both you and your husband want better for your son than what has not worked for you...options are worth discussing.
Good luck and keep praying...it works!

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S.C.

answers from Gainesville on

I was married to a man for 17 years who totally neglected me. He gave me my son Matthew who has been the light of my life. I am divorced from him and have gone on with my life. Thank God for the man who fathered your son but you want your boy to be flexable, loving and understanding and I really think his dad is mentally abusive to you. You do not want your son to be the man his dad is in relationships. It is a hard road to start over but you'll make it and raise the best man ever. My son is 26 years old now, a fireman and new father of a precious 3 month baby girl. He helps his wife with the baby, folds clothes, cooks and is a gentle, kind and forgiving man. I'd like to think I had something to do with that! You will too......

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L.J.

answers from Orlando on

I think staying in the same house and "co-parenting" is a bad idea for you and your baby. I know a family who did it and it really messed up their child.
Anyway, if he thinks all of his problems are your fault why stay with him. If I were in your situation I would move closer to family and he can be perfect here.
Hope it all works out and I will be praying for you and your decision.
L.

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J.L.

answers from Tampa on

Kristen,
I am no counseler, but have lived a very interesting life, with counseling from time to time.
What I picked up on in you writing was that you "felt relief" ~ don't forget that and try to make a bad situation work for the sake of you child. All that will do is reinforce to your child that it is OK for a parent to behave that way. He cannot expect you to be the only one working on the relationship. Does he have only one person work on a legal case? NO! It takes a team to try a case and a team to make a marriage work.
I would not stay in the same house as him. You should stay as civil as possible and try to share as many parenting jobs that you can but get your own space, for you and your baby!!
You have worked on "you" now find someone that apreciates YOU
Good Luck
J.
PS if you want to talk [email protected]____.com I am in Palm Harbor

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T.A.

answers from Orlando on

I believe that his treatment of you as you have described is abusive and I will certainly pray for you for strength to see that you are fighting a battle that can never be won if you stay with this type of man. He has beaten you down to where you actually believe what he is saying. You are more deserving than this situation allows. I hope you see that and move away from him...literally and figuratively!

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S.B.

answers from Orlando on

You've received a lot of good advice so far...I sense a lack of empowerment on your part in all this. Start by forgiving yourself for whatever it is you think you've done wrong. Children have a way of making us look at our own lives in a different light. It's not only ourselves we must consider anymore. Take a stand for what you believe. Like the fact that you have been working on yourself, no one can tell you how fast you must "change". A separation may be the best thing in this situation for everyone involved. Not living in the same house will relieve some tension and give you an opportunity to be out from under your husband's apparent judgement of you. You will grow stronger in time. Immerse yourself in the love that God wants to give to you and once you are filled up with that love, it won't matter what anyone says because you'll be confident in knowing you are perfect just the way you are, emotional and all. Don't concern yourself with what your husband "thinks". I'm glad to hear that he is a good father and loves his son, that'll make it easier when it's his time to care for him. Get involved in some type of support group...Lean on your friends that will build you up! Focus on you and your son. You will get to where you want to be by doing something different one step at a time. Enjoy your son!! They grow so fast! And remember this period in your life will only make you stronger!! Don't let anyone push you around, it takes two to make a relationship work.

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M.S.

answers from Gainesville on

I feel awkward sticking my nose into this, but I want to say that I have been married to someone like that and know how you are feeling. I won't go into all of what I have learned from it except to say that I now have a high level of self-esteem but I would never have transformed those feelings if I had stayed around him. Obviously, he isn't in great shape either, but it's hard to see that from where you are sitting.

It would be much better for you to live separately so that you can develop a life and friendships that support you. As long as you are nearby, he will cut you down. Keep conversations to a minimum when you see each other to exchange you son for visits. And please don't make the mistake I did: I took so little child support that I was always stressed--and he was making good money. I wasn't. So my advice is: As the first step towards building your self-esteem, ask for enough child support so you can pay for child care without worrying about it and live somewhere safe and pleasant. Make new friends and spend some time every day noticing all the good things about yourself.

M.

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T.B.

answers from Tallahassee on

have you guys ever tried reading the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? It is an awesome book that looks at the different way your "love tank" is filled. I might help.

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K.J.

answers from Tampa on

I am sorry that you are in this situation... That is very sad. In my opinion, counseling would be a VERY GOOD IDEA! This is not the way a husband should be treating his wife. A marriage is a partinership it is 50/50. The husband should love his wife more then himself. The wife should love and support him... now where is it said that a husband should blame his wife for his problems and his short comings.
If he doesn't like you the way you are why in the world did you marry him? If you are like me it was because you were thinking this is the only one who will have me. I know that you wanted to have your a baby, but there are other men out there. I had a son with someone who was not nice too... But, later on (7 years later) I found a man who loved me the way that I was and loved my kid too. Just have faith and learn to love yourself and your son as much as possible... Seek help. If you don't go to church maybe your should find one... Talk to someone there about help.

Peace and Blessings,
K. J.

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A.S.

answers from Lakeland on

Kristen, I was married to a man like that. He felt that he was always right and that I wasn't able to make any decisions for myself. He would constantly put me down in front of my friends and family. We tried counseling and he did the same thing your husband has done to you, made all his faults and problems because of me.
It took us losing our house (because he was sick all the time because of me) and me moving 2 hours away for me to finally get out of the marriage. That was 25 years ago. And even though raising my two children alone wasn't easy and at times, I wondered what I had done, I can promise you that the past 25 years have been well worth it. I am a stronger, more self assured woman with two of the most wonderful grown children who have made a place in this world. I have three beautiful grandkids from my daughter and sil. My son is in a relationship with a girl that I love so much. I even went to college and became a nurse with a minor in business law.
If the two of you continue to live in the same house, he will still have control over you and the baby. Get out, move in with family or friends or better yet, get your own place. Don't let him rule your life anymore. From your post, he is a self centered man with little self esteem, who doesn't know what true love is and he certainly doesn't deserve you.
Stay strong and remember that you don't need a man or to be in a relationship to find the happiness in your heart!

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K.M.

answers from Tampa on

I am very sorry for you :( I am going through a similar situation, only we aren't married. We have separated and luckily i have family to stay with. Our little girl will be 5 mos this month. We are going to counseling tomorrow and he's been trying to get me to come back after he's the one who broke it off with me b/c of the fighting. He doesn't like to admit that he's the main reason for our fighting...I don't know how this counseling is going to go, but for the baby's sake I hope it helps. I feel like having a baby has strained our relationship. We go through so many emotions and men don't understand. They think we should just be happy and normal, when in reality our hormones are out of wack. I just wanted you to know that I feel for you, and about the co-parenting. I don't know anyone who has done it, but I just wanted to bring to light that living together will be hard if you don't work things out and in the future either of you decide to date someone else. Good Luck.

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L.K.

answers from Tampa on

Hi Kristen,
I have to agree with the ladies who encourage you to look to God for comfort. I have had the same struggles in my marriage. I have been fortunate to have one child, but 7 years later have not been blessed with any others. I too thank God and my husband for being there to grant my most wonderful blessing, my child. Most importantly you should recognize that 5 months after having a baby, you are still going to be emotional because of hormones, the overwhelming responsibility of being a mom, and the huge change that it creates in your relationship. So please forgive yourself for any emotional struggle you are having, it is normal. Remember that with your "imperfections" you are perfect in the eyes of God. You were created to experience everything that you are experiencing. That is what makes you unique. You are exactly who you are supposed to be. Don't let his criticism break down your confidence. He is feeling very vulnerable right now and is trying to transfer his pain to you. He is who he is, if you loved him before you can love him again, just hold on to that confidence you had before you let his pain effect you. I can not say wether it is right for you to stay or leave, that is your decision to make, but either way, you can be happy. You just have to surround yourself with confidence as a barrier to his pain. Once you believe and love yourself just as you are and love him, just as he is, he will feel that and reciprocate. At least that is what happened in my case. The more I let my husband's pain hurt me, the more pained and hurtful he became. When I focused on being my best self, he did the same. Demonstrate how much you love him when it is the hardest to do. You will be in my prayers. I never worked harder to find my spirituality more than in my first year as a mom. It is a life altering experience and I have faith that you will survive it. P.S. my daughter's name is Kristen...it will be easy to remember you.

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K.T.

answers from Fort Myers on

Hi,Kristen if your going to separate don't live in the same house. Your son may just be a baby but he know when there is stress in the house. You may have a better chance at saveing your marriage if your not living together if that is what you decide you want. What can be so bad about u that u need to change ? It sound like he needs to grow up and take on his respondiblty. It sound like he need counseling, go together the counsel will tell him that it not just u . But not all things are your falt it take two and a marriage is not 50 50 a marriage is 100% to be giving by both of u. If you stay in the same home be prepaired if thing get worse and then he try to us everything that he see against you to take your baby away. You got to thank of u and your boy, agree to separate with the agreement of going to conseling together and if he won't agree, u go for yourself. Him being attorney It won't look good to the courts that he wasn't willing to go. Better chance for you not to lose you baby if he decide he wants out. Been there my ex said he would not take my children away from me. I lost all for children the youngest was 18 month,My family lived in another state could not be witness for me, his friends lied for him he lied to the court for himself. I ended up with weekend and holiday. I never quit fighting for my children my oldest and 3rd to the oldest came to live with me. My little girl that was a baby at the time still live with her daddy because he has made her feel sorry for him. I had to give her to the Lord to take care of so I could keep my sanity. Start keeping a daily journal u will need it if he try to take your baby. My oldest is 21 now this was years ago fore me but don't want to see it happen to anyone eles. In the state of FL you have the right your baby remain with u untell u go to court and the court usally favory the mother if are a good mother.Good luck and my prayer are with you.

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M.W.

answers from Orlando on

Hi Kristen,

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. I was married to someone just like that! The best thing I ever did was get out of that house. With the issues you have with him, I think you are best to move out and move one. He will still have that hold over you living in the same house. And if either of you started dating that would be a nightmare. Sometimes its best for the kids when the parents are apart and the stress is gone. Your precious son will never know the difference thanks to his young age. If you stay in the same house it will probably just get confusing for him as he gets older and then when you decide to move into separate homes, it will be harder for him to deal with.

I wish you the best with your situation. Noone should have to live like that.

Blessing,
M.

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M.H.

answers from Tampa on

Even though you are not dating my best advice is to check out a web site called dating without drama (Paige Parker) She has an e-book and is the best advice for women on this subject. No matter where you are or are not in a relationship, her advice is life altering. Promise!! Best of luck to you. (it's all about you dear)

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M.F.

answers from Tampa on

Hi Kristen...my husband and I have been married for over 39 years...(still can't believe it) Sounds like you BOTH have a lot to be thankful for...I know a women your age that is battling breast cancer with twin 3 year old girls and a five year old son...she is so happy to wake up each day and hold her babies, knowing that her time with them could be slipping away...too bad we don't appreciate what we have until it is taken away from us...You and your husband would benefit from counseling...just sounds like a rough time with a new baby...it's an emotional time for you and your husband may be feeling left out...your baby deserves a two-parent household...believe me, it makes a difference...sooo many couples throw in the towel and in the desire to fulfull their needs, they forget the needs of their children...they never asked to be here and deserve to have the necessities ...a loving home, and parents who love one another...please, don't join the statistics...if you love him and he loves you...work on it...I know we did and have never regretted it..!! a Good relationship takes time, hard work & Prayer...get busy!
With Love, Memere

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S.E.

answers from Sarasota on

Get out of that relationship as soon as possible. I was in the same situation and waited until my son was 4 to finally move out and file for divorce. I should have done it 3 years earlier. It was the best decision that I ever made and now I am extremely happy and feel free for the first time in 7 years. You need to do it for your self and for your baby. Having a child in a house where the parents clearly do not get along or are on the same page is not at all a healthy environment to bring up a child in. I hope you put yourself and your baby first and for once do what you need and want instead of trying to please a man.

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L.J.

answers from Tampa on

Kristen,
My heart goes out to you and your husband. I will keep you in prayer as you have asked. There is no easy answer to your situation. I pray that God will put a change in both hearts to have compassion and heal both hearts that are hurting. Remember that God is the answer and he loves you both and he never gives you more than you can bear! If you need a friend don't hesitate to email me or any other of us who have responded to you. I know that everyone that is a part of this website have very big hearts and are willing to listen.
May the Lord Bless you, your husband and your precious little one.
Very sincerely,
L. Jacobs

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J.R.

answers from Ocala on

Don't try to live in the same house-you will have the same issues even if you are not married. The seperation sounds like a good idea. Listen to your "gut". You feel RELIEVED. That should tell you something. Try to get as much financial support for your child as you can. If you need more support-emotional or otherwise-move closer to home if your family is a positive influence in your life. This is a very tough time for you, but having made this decision-you are free to be the person you are and want to be. There can be many good things that come out of this-including having a son who doesn't see his mom ridiculed and treated as "imperfect" and less than she is. Don't let anyone try to devalue you. Good luck!

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M.R.

answers from Orlando on

This time last year I was in your situation. I would rather eat nails than live with my husband. Never assume you're relationship is over though til the papers are signed. Not only will you look silly with your new relationship at your divorce hearing but you might miss out on reconciliation with your husband. My husband and I got back together. Turns out we were more miserable apart then we were together.

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B.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Kristen, no matter what you decide it will be best the best decision you can make with the information that has been provided to you. First and foremost, you need to do what is best for you. Ask yourself the following questions:
What do I want? What do I expect from my relationships? What do I want? What do I want to model for my son? What do I want? What is important to me for me to be happy? What do I want?

Please, focus on your happiness right now. If you are happy you will raise a happy child. If you are sad, distant and irritable, you will raise that in your child. Do you know the saying "Children Learn What They Live"? It is not just words, it is the truth.

I wish you all the best and know that you are this little guys mom...he knows no other mom, you are the one he chose to be with, to guide him and love and and help him grow to the amazing man that you know men are capapble of being. You are responsible for that, no one else, just you. Are you up to the challenge?

B.
www.HeyYouGetReal.com

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M.H.

answers from Sarasota on

I'm so sorry for your situation. Just from what you have said, I'm sure this is the best for you! I'm not sure about the counseling. You could go and hope that he sees something or realizes something that he didn't plan on. I am usually very for counseling, but in this case, I'm not sure it will do much good. As for the co-parenting, maybe you will get some feedback from those who have tried. I personally can't imagine it. It is wonderful that he wants to be a big part of his life, but he doesn't have to live there to accomplish that. My belief is that is will definately not last forever, at some point, seperation from house is going to occur. So why wait until your son is old enough to be upset over it. Instead, he can grow up knowing no other way and still have a wonderful dad in his life. Maybe others will disagree with me, but I think it would be best for your son to make the move now. However, this is just based on what I think I would do. I wish you the best and I hope that you can heal, move on and open yourself up to another love some day.

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M.L.

answers from Tallahassee on

I tried staying in the same house with my ex-husband and it DID NOT WORK! I have learned so much about myself and my self limiting beliefs since my divorce. I have come to realize that I was giving my power away when I bought in to his critical comments. I started to believe that maybe he was right about me not being a "good partner". What I know today is that no one can have my power unless I am willing to give it them. I have found through coaching that when someone is projecting insults or other negative stuff, that it is they who have the issues. We are human and therefore we have not obtained our angel wings. NO ONE is perfect!
Also remember, we can not see in another what we do not see in ourselves. It is the things he dislike most about himself that he projects on to you......Don't give him your power by "buying in" to his accusations! I am a Professional Life Coach and would love to work with you. Please visit my web site at www.TranstionGuide.net and see if the services I offer are something that my benefit you. BEST WISHES.....One more thing..."the only limits you have are the ones you place on yourself, or the ones you allow others to place on you." As a child of a Higher Power, YOU are limitless!!!!

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P.F.

answers from Fort Walton Beach on

Kristen, I can't give you any advice that will clear it all up this moment but I would like to ask if you attend a church? And if so do you have a great Pastor to talk to? I have a wonderful Pastor that helped me and my husband many years ago and it has been the greatest blessing! We are happily married 12yrs. Don't get me wrong, we are not perfect! But God changed our lives when we let him. I don't know where you are from. If you live near I would invite you to my church. God can heal your wounds and make your family the best ever! I am praying for you!

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P.F.

answers from Orlando on

Please do not stay in the house. Go hm to your family he will only beat u down mentally I should of left 20 years ago.

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B.B.

answers from Jacksonville on

I am so sorry for your situation. I do not thinking living in the same house would be good for either you or your son. First of all, you guys would still fight and argue which would have a negative impact on your son. Parents never really realize how it affects children. My parents stayed together just for us and I think they did us more emotional harm then separating. Secondly, it will be devasting to you if you see him go out for dates or have a girlfriend spend the night and confusing for your son. I know how hard it will be to have your son spend weekends and nights away from you but emotional it is the best. I to have debated leaving my husband. I love him and we have been together since high school. We are expecting our third child and mainly fight over the children. He thinks I spoil them because they only want me and he spanks them which I hate. Plus, he has been out of work for awhile now and doesn't seem to be looking for a job just hoping his dad's business picks up. I love him and the only reason I continue to stay is becuase I love him, we don't fight a lot, and I couldn't bare not having my kids with me 24.7 when I am out of work. I keep praying and hoping we as a couple can get back on our feet and move ahead. I pray you guys find peace too whether together or apart. I truly not believe in divorce but I also know that you can't change someone who doesn't think he needs to change and when a marriage is bad both parties need to do some changing. Both parties are at fault in different ways. Good luck and look to God for strength and help.

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P.N.

answers from Tampa on

1 Corinthians 13:4 - 7
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

You have my prayers.

Its obvious that you are tired and stressed out. Completely understandable. I sympathize. I would advise you to take a hard look at your marriage. Where you and your husband happy before the baby was born? Did he respect you and your feelings then? Or has he always treated you in this manner? Babies are a wonderful gift. However, having a baby can be hard on a relationship. Both parents have to redefine their roles and figure out who they are as a parent and as a spouse. Your baby is young. You are probably just now getting longer bits of sleep at night. Men do not get the irritability or demands that are placed on a woman with a young infant. If the answers to the above questions place your relationship in a better light, you might want to consider allowing time to mend your hurt. When my hubbie does not quite understand me, and will not listen to me (discrediting what I have to say, invalidating my feelings...being in defense mode) I write him a note explaining how I feel and then we talk.
I hope it works out for you.
When you feel sad, just squeeze that precious baby boy and know that it will all work out in the end. Find your joy in him.

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S.T.

answers from Fort Myers on

As an outsider looking in - if you love yourself, others will love you. Your husband seems to choose 'being right' over being married. Shame on him. Stand up, walk forward and remember you are all that!

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