Separation from Husband and Unfriendly Grandparents

My daughter decided to sever ties with her biological father because of the way he treated her, and instead of trying to fix it, he decided he would not send her anything, not even and empty birthday card.

Some people are selfish and spiteful. They do unto others as they have been done.

Try talking to them, but dont try to change them. If they want a relationship they will have one. BUT i can almost guarantee their son went and told them how awful you are. Now they are taking his side. Dont stress about it, do the right thing, thats all you can do. :)

I suggest you call and talk with your in-laws to ask what kind of a relationship they want to have with you and their grandchildren. They may be holding back because they don't know how you want them to be. I suggest that it would be common for them to step back especially if their son expresses anger towards you. They don't want to be caught in the middle.

I suggest that if you let them know that you miss their calls to their grandchildren and reassure them that you won't put them in the middle that they may be pleased and resume contact.

Be sure not to complain about their son. Don't volunteer your side of the break up. Remain neutral in the way you treat them unless you feel that you want them to remain family for you as well as your children. Tell them that you want them in your children's lives. Tell them how important grandparents are and how as your children get older you want them to know and love their grandparents.

Ask honest and direct questions. Make open statements. Be willing to be the first to express your feelings about wanting them involved. Keep in mind that they're most likely feeling unsure of how to handle this situation just as you are feeling unsure.

I think you should just talk to them. Your phone dials out as well, right? Why should they always have to call to talk to the kids? Just call them with updates and to say "hi". You can always say "I know Bob and I are having problems, but I would love it if we can stay close, especially you and the kids....."
They might not know how to approach the situation and maybe they are feeling awkward as well.

Call them. Grandparents are an important part of children's lives. They may be waiting for you to reach out. Just go for it--though they are your husband's parents and will naturally support him, I think they will appreciate you trying to keep them in your lives. You may be surprised by their kindness.

It's very natural for extended family to step back when marital problems begin. Both physically & emotionally (not wanting to get in the middle/ get angry when a reconciliation may well be on the way/ or start messing around in another's marriage), as well as financially. Putting money into a failing marriage isn't one of the world's smartest investments.

I would suspect, that as your parents are doing with you, that your ex's parents are doing with him. AKA phoning the kids when he has them, buying things for the kids to keep at HIS place, etc.

If dad has any kind of custody, I wouldn't worry about trying to continue the children's relationship with their grandparents, beyond sending them a note along the lines that you would still really *want* them in their lives. (Don't expect financial contributions, however, beyond birthday and xmas presents... any money for the kids would logically be given to dad). Rather the same way it would be odd if your parents were phoning/visiting during your ex's time. Grandparents rather naturally split along with divorce with their own children. And conscientious ones don't try and butt in on the other parent's time. If you have SOLE physical and legal custody, however, and dad has no time with the kids at all *definitely* reach out to them and make sure they know that they are welcome to phone or set up a time to visit, since they are your babies grandparents.

Updated

This is really hard because everyone has their own issues with inlaws that influence their opinions. I would say that IF the kids want to talk to them, call them and put the kids on. Otherwise, it is really up to the grandparents to decide if they want a relationship or not. It is sad that they would take this out on the grandchildren, but my dad does too, when he is mad at me - which is most of the time! :)

As for the expense, if your ex wants his parents to have a relationship, he, or they, can split the cost for getting the kids down there. I personally wouldn't put myself out begging for them to shape up. One thing you might try though is Skype. If they have any interest, they can "see" your kids, and it may help smooth things over.

I agree with Marda, just ask. My brother and I kept inviting, calling and asking my dad to be involved with his grandkids and each time there were hurt feelings. Finally, there was a heated discussion and said he did not want to be a grandparent. So we stopped inviting, calling and asking. While I think it is tremendously sad, I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

I would have the kids reach out to them- my in laws live about 20 minutes away and it's like pulling teeth to get them to see their grandson. Their relationship is strained (husband-wife), which has resulted in their sons pulling away from them. Needless to say, my husband isn't a huge fan of his father, but has always been cordial. He is very close to his twin brother, thankfully, and he is very involved in our son's life.

I have made a point of putting aside some of my son's artwork and a few pictures each month and mailing them with a little note. It usually prompts a phone call and maybe a visit. The sad part is that he has a blast with them when he sees them, but they just don't make the effort.

In their case, they are both broken people who probably should have divorced many years ago. In your case, make it about the kids. Send a video, artwork, new pictures, etc in a little care package with a note that they are always welcome in your home. Who knows, they may just take you up on it!

If you want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents then you have to make the first move. You will have to call and talk to them and may have to set up a scheuled that you can call every week or ever other whatever you come up with. I have also heard of Skype, it is where if you both have a computer and email, you can create an account for free and talk to one another on the computer. They actually can see their grandkids. If you have put yourself and the kids out there and they don't want to continue the relationship, then you know you did everything possible and there would be nothing more to do. Good luck that has to be a hard position to be in.

I suggest that you have the kids call and speak to her. It will show that you are not trying to keep the kids from her now that you and your husband are not together.

I feel you, girl! When my ex and I separated I dealt with kind of the same thing...his stepmom actually called and threatened to sue me for grandparent rights (while MY son-from a previous relationship- was at her house!) This woman is just a little short sighted, to say the least. On the other hand, his biomom and I get along relatively well, the kids and I drove 8 1/2 hrs to spend mother's day weekend with her :)

So, here is what I do-for the stepmom, dad is in charge of making sure they get visits, but I help the kids make and send cards for mother's day, bday and xmas and make sure she always has a way to contact them when they are not at their dads. It is basically the same for the biomom, except she and I talk (rarely) and can be friendly towards one another because neither of us sees a reason for the kids to suffer simply because her son and I failed at our marriage.

You can't make people be what you think they should be, and as hard as it is, you also have to realize that people have different ideas/thoughts/morals from you, even if (to you) they aren't all that good, lol!

Remember that you can't change them. You can have your kids call them from time to time but the sooner you realize they are how they will be and move on, it will be better. My friend went to therapy and after a few months, the therapist basically said she didn't need to come anymore as she realized her mom wasn't going to change and now she had tools to deal with it.