Sensitive 3 1/2 Yr Old

I hear ya sister! I've had the same thing and now my daughter is 7 and the "baby" is 5. My 7 year old was (or shall I say is) the same way. I found out that she used the tears to get what she wanted. And I am a softy, so it usually works with me. Up untill lately. I will stand my ground and let her cry it out. It really is better for her in the end. Then she learns to cope with disapointment.And I say this as one loving mom to another. When she has cried it out, give her the hug, you'll find you both will need it.

Your daughter may very well have an anxiety issue. She may also be lacking amino acids in the brain. What's her diet like? She could have a food allergy, allergy to her bed or pillow, etc and this may be affecting her brain and adrenal glands. She's very stressed and possibly depressed by your description. You don't say if she's like this all the time or are there happy occasions inbetween?

I highly recommend learning about nutrition before writing her off as a drama queen. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that! The Diet Cure and The Mood Cure by Julia Ross are excellent. An Alternative Approach to Allergies explains brain/allergy issues in details.

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is an excellent book for understanding sensitive children as well as yourself and how you react to the situation. I would guess that if you wouldn't react in a frustrated manner she would also be less tearful. Tough I know but it can be done.

Be sure to ALWAYS speak in a calm manner. Never have a whine or sign of frustration or anger in your voice. Sensitive children will just get "worse" from this. They pick up on it and a 3.5 year old will not think in a logical way. They are learning from what they see and feel. These kids feel a lot more than the average person.

You might also want to read The Continuum Concept. Very interesting book even if you don't apply all it's talking about. It's just good to know that there are many ways to dealing with children (or not!).

No matter what way you look at it, what your daughter is doing is working for her. If it were my child I'd get her tested for allergies to rule that out, eliminate sugar and all forms of processed sugar (fruit is good) first for a few days and be sure to spend a lot of time doing positive and fun stuff. Take a day trip to the zoo or a farm or go for a walk on the beach or forest or whatever you have as far as nature goes. Change the scenery entirely to a place where there is no need for discipline and both of you can relax and have fun. Hire a babysitter for the little one and have one-on-one time with her. Just bring enough healthy snacks so you don't get tempted by the sugar and chemical stuff that is likely upsetting her brain.

I couldn't help but laugh at your ..."no, really..."

But that is hard. I only have an 20 month old so I can't imagine taking care of two kids, one who is having some trouble. My first gut instinct with that kind of behavior though, is maybe she is craving extra time? I think kids, regardless of how much attention you DO pay to them, tend to feel upset being the oldest one. She's young, but maybe take her out for a "momma and me day.." and explain to her how she's the big sister, and she should be showing her sibling how awesome big sisters are, and that means being a big girl. Ask her about her feelings (even if she's young, she may be able to KIND of tell you why she's upset..)

That's my two sense. Maybe I'm totally off base but I remember being young and having a little brother be born - I felt really emotional

I am in the middle of reading Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers, by Tracy Hogg. She is great, and her philosophy describes 5 main types of personalities, "sensitive" being one of them. I hope it helps; it has helped me understand my toddler and how to be a better parent.

SHE isnt sensitive, YOU are. Sign her up for acting school. She knows how to push your buttons and get you to ignore that awful little boy that took away her mommy. Ignore the tears, if necessary get ear plugs. My favorite thing to do is turn the volume of the radio up real loud. You can still hear her cry, but SHE doesnt know that. Tell her to put her coat away and ignore the crying, but make her listen. Dont tell her to stop crying, dont ask her whats wrong and dont let her cling to you. Only give her attention when she isnt crying, and be sure you give her attention then. 3 year olds love to help, so give her little tasks to do and praise her a lot when she does them. This is a phase and a ploy that she will stop when she realizes it doesnt get her the desired attention.
I was just reading some of the other posts and while some children can be more sensitive than others I think its also important that we teach children how to handle their emotions. A crying child is NOT a happy child. If your daughter fights you then she is NOT sensitive, she is normal. She needs to be taught that crying will not get her any desired results.

I had/have a similar problem with my son. While I think some of it might be that she's using it to get what she wants, she might also be sensitive. My son is now 4 and he still cries if I tell him that I am not happy with him! I agree that she will need to cry it out sometimes. But pick your battles. I figured out that I was being a bit too demanding and when I backed off some little things that didn't matter, things got better. I also found telling my son that I understand he wants to do whatever but he still can't, he got over things better. I then started to really praise him for behavior I liked so that I wasn't constantly correcting him. At night when I am putting him to bed, I pick out something that he did that I really liked and tell him how proud I am of him and then I tell him something that I would like him to improve on. I found that I got much further with praising the good than yelling at the bad. We also started doing one fun family thing every weekend that he must earn. For him it can be as simple as going to a resturant. But he has to be good, not perfect, all week to get his "treat." Then we tell him that we can take him out in public to do fun things bec. he was such a good listener and if he keeps it up, we can continue to do fun things. It was more about me changing how I approached things rather than him changing. He still goes in time out but much less than before. He still cries but it is for shorter times. I also taught him to use his words about how he feels more. He will tell me he is angry, sad, mad etc. He will even tell me he is overwhelmed and needs a few minutes alone. That is my clue to leave him alone for a bit to calm down. He will and then he joins the activity. Good luck and know that you aren't alone but you also can't give in just because she cries.

K.--The tears are a good tool for her--she cries and it gets a reaction from you. They help her get what she wants, so why would she NOT cry all the time? Clingy is also a manipulation. As for the tears, ignore them. If she is told to do something, she needs to do it, regardless of how many tears she produces. Just be matter of fact--'Sorry you're sad, but get busy.' Once she starts to realize that crying does not get her any where, she will cry when she is actually sad rather than crying to get control of situations.

Dear K.,

My two-and-a-half-year-old son has a very similar personality type, and we've going through many of the same issues, so yeah, I hear you, sister!

Okay. First of all, I do NOT agree with the posters who say that your daughter is merely being a manipulative drama queen. With all due respect, this is fairly insulting to children (and adults) with sensitive personality types, and to the parents who can clearly see that something is really going on.

However, like all -- well, I'll call them mis-perceptions -- it may have a grain of truth. Do you think there may be a little of both going on? Say, your daughter is genuinely troubled by things that other kids can handle, but when she's genuinely troubled, she looks for ways to get the most comfort possible?

On the discipline front, the wonderful thing about having a sensitive child is that you don't have to do much to get the child's attention: they know right away when you're not happy with them. The really difficult thing is that when you try to correct the behavior, it's so upsetting to the child, you wind up with a whole new set of problems (tantrums, panicking, etc.) on top of the one you were trying to correct.

Here's what I recommend: please let me know if it works. Find a little piece of time (say half an hour) when someone else can watch your son, and have some "girl time" with your daughter. Take her out for ice cream or something. Then tell her frankly that you want to talk to her about the things that make her upset. Start by giving her the list you wrote above, and ask her to add to it. You may be surprised by what you hear. Then tell her, loud and clear, "I understand that those things make you upset, and I want to help. But we need to find something you can do when you're upset that makes you feel better." Then give her some suggestions, "do you want to hug your bear [or any beloved toy]?" "do you want to go to your room and have some quiet time"? "do you want to get out your crayons and color for a minute?" Etc. Be prepared for some completely inappropriate suggestions (eating dessert for breakfast, etc.), but your daughter may actually come up with something that really works. The important thing is to get some buy-in from her.

Then, every time she starts to get worked up (and the earlier you can catch her in a meltdown, the better), redirect her to the activity you've chosen together. She may resist it at times, but here's where it's important to be strict and consistent (though not necessarily mad-sounding). No guarantees of course, but this may help your daughter to develop self-awareness and to begin to learn how to cope with having a sensitive personality type, something that's likely to be part of who she is forever.

Finally, I just want to state clearly (and K., I suspect you know this, this is for a few of the people who posted below), raising a child is not the same as training a puppy. Yes, children need boundaries, and yes, children are capable of being manipulative. But young children are also just beginning to develop self-awareness. The purpose of discipline should not be to generate a certain behavior in an unreflective child; it should be to help children recognize behavior that's not constructive and to begin to redirect themselves.

Best wishes,

Mira

P.S. Sorry, one more thing. In a super-sensitive child, yelling can often backfire (though Lord knows it's tempting at times). It's better to speak *more* quietly when you really want a child to listen. That forces them to quiet down in order to hear you, which in and of itself is calming.

HI, I didn't read the other responses so you may have heard this already. Ignore the tears. Your daughter does this for attention and it is working that is why she is continuing to do it. The more attention you give her when she is crying the more she will do it. I guarentee if you ignore the tears and speak to her as if she isn't crying, it will get worse before it gets better, but in a matter of 2-3 days she will stop. Also, tell her she has to sit in her room and cry or in another room and you will speak to her when she is done. Show her that the behavior will not get her more attention but less attention. If you are trying to be somewhere and you don't want to be late, start a little earlier to go and that will give her time to work out the tears and get it together. Don't threaten, stay calm, stick with it and ignore the tears, I promise it will stop. It worked for us. Let me know if you have any questions.
Good luck.

D. V

Hi K.,
I agree with the other women, your daughter is a drama queen. She is manipulating you. She isn't a baby or a toddler anymore. You didn't make her cry 6 times yesterday, she chose to cry. If she has done something deserving of discipline, or is given a simple direction, and cries, she needs to get over it. Fighting you on doing things isn't sensitivity, it's manipulation/defiance. You do need to let her know what is or is not acceptable, and that you can't wear her around your neck - it's not your job and she doesn't need that. I would spend time just with her, leave the baby with a sitter, dad, grandparent and have some time specifically with your daughter, plan activities for the two of you to do together during his nap, but do not back down on things like expecting her to follow a direction or being able to do age appropriate things like brushing her own teeth or using the bathroom. It may also help her independence to head off to preschool a couple of mornings a week, if she isn't doing so yet.
Good luck!!!

Your daughter is not senitive - she's smart!

My daugther did the same thing.
She never did it with my husband - her dad.
Like he says tears never killed anyone yet.

Also, don't always let her cry it out.
Before you tell her to do something, tell her you
want her to do such and such and if she cries
she'll get punished right away.
A punishment for the tears and a punishment for not
doing what you say.

I indulged my daugther and she cried and cried and cried,
oh my, my.
When I got tired of the tears she stopped.

Once I pretended to be crying to, telling her she wouldn't do what I say and she stopped crying and went and did it.

She lost her sercet weapon.
I won peace of mind.

K.,
I know I'm late but I read this and had to respond. My now 5yr old daughter is super sensitive and I too felt like she was suffocating me but then I began to think of the behavior itself and wondered what could be going on. Months later and alot of insight my daughter is now seeing a psychologist and and also a psychiatrist. The sensitivity was a symptom of a greater issue. Her lack of self-esteem. I don't know how this happened to my daughter but it has and I am thankful that we are getting her the extra assistance she needs. I will not lie to you and tell you it was an easy decision who wants their five year old in therapy further more who wants to admit to themselves and out loud that their wonderful, empathetic and amazing child needs therapy. I would ask you to look at the big picture and don't rush to any decisions. Good luck and if you need anything please feel free to drop me a line.

She is either very, very sensitive or she is manipulating you like a puppet. there could be jealousy issues because your children are close in age or it could be something else. Has she always been like this? You can try gently leading her to her room when she is crying over something like being told to pick up her coat. Put her in her room or on her bed and tell her she can come out when she has calmed herself down. Be very matter of fact about it. It is my opinion it sounds like her tears are getting her her own way most of the time and getting her attention. Try being a little firmer OR if this is a really new thing, something may really be bothering her and you may want to have a few sessions with a child psychologist. Good luck and I hope all works out well for you.

Hi K.! I just want to let you know you are not alone! I have kids about the same age but I have two boys. My oldest boy likes to instead of crying use to get very angry when I asked him to do something. I found two things have helped me out. First I had to set a line and truly decide what battles (to begin with) I was going to fight and push and what ones I was going to let go (after a while I expanded because the others weren't as much of an issue anymore) I told him clearly and wrote down a list of rules he had to do. I think the visual help him more than I expected! (even though he can't read) I had the same punishment each time he didn't do what I asked or had a bad attitude toward it. And it made him now what to expect. I also made sure to give him the benefit of the doubt that he may just do it the first time by making sure my tone was positive in asking him to do something (unless he was doing something dangerous of course) And try to make it a positive thing to do ie: Show me how big you have gotten Can you please pick up your own clothes? Can you slam dunk them into the hamper?
Anyway it has helped me (at least when i remember to apply it)Let me know how it goes...

I must say, when I read this I thought you were describing my daughter to a T! She is the exact same way - she "loses" it at the slightest thing. I used to think she was being too dramatic, but eventually it became obvious this was no attention seeking issue. My family told me to just put her in time out or in her room - punish her and let her know who's boss. I tried for quite awhile, but it did more damage than good. I've talked to a psychologist about it because I had no idea what to do, and no one else seemed to have this problem. She recommended to me the books - The Explosive Child - A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children (by Ross W. Greene, and Raising Your Spirited Child. Please don't write her off as being a "dramatic" - who knows, maybe she is looking for more attention (especially having to share you with a younger/needy sibling), however she may also be a very sensitive child, and there is a big difference in how you react to each. I wish you luck and feel free to email me anytime if you need to vent or anything. Also, if you find some good info out, I would love to hear it. Take Care!

I was a sensitive child. I have two sensitive daughters as well. One is 2.5 yrs. the other is going on 14. One major thing that is incredibly misleading about a sensitive child is that she is being manipulative or controlling. I just want to make one thing clear as I read all of the previous posts, if she isn't getting anything out of her crying, than she is not doing it to be manipulative or in a controlling manner. I didn't get that from your request. That false interpretation can lead to a hurtful or disastrous relationship instead of a beautiful and loving relationship built on trust and understanding. Discipline can be as simple as praising everything she does, helping her to build confidence in who she is and what she might think your perception of her is. Not all discipline is or has to be negative. I liked to explain things to my daughter as a method of discipline and that wasn't easy at first, as I have a tendency to be a bit on the hot-tempered side, but her sensitivity has taught me how to control it. I had to reconsider my approach to her and how I would like to be treated if she were me. The explanations help her to see that I want what is best for her and than trust was established between us. Once that happened it was easy and all went uphill. She would do what I said no questions asked. I gave her choices, which showed her I was trusting her too. It is exhausting raising kids, but not so much when you can see what your doing and why you are doing it. For me, I would have difficulty raising an insensitive child which in my case I don't think would be possible. I hope this helps. I don't know of any books, nor do I know of any books that can tell me about my child or how to raise them. Good luck and God bless.