Seeking Temper Help

I recommend "scream free parenting". It helps by reminding you not to be embarressed by your child's actions, all parents go through this at some point. The only thing to be embaressed by is your reaction, as that is really the only thing you can control. They are little people, who need help learning how to behave, so try to look at it from his point of view. And talk to him, calmly. He may not know all the words you use, but he knows your tones of voice by now. This is the hardest thing for me, as I get frustrated, but it does work. Deep breath, then "what is wrong, are you hungry, thirsty, tired, frustrated, mad... (whatever). Do you want mommy's help?" stuff like that. If my daughter is just fussy, we send her to her room. 'If you are going to fuss, you may go to your room.' which generally results in a nonono situation, then she will often calm down enough to tell us the problem.
My daughter is a little older, 22 months, but we started early, so now is the time. We also use time outs when she is 'mean' if she hits or scratches or kicks, she gets a time out, 1-2 min, and she has started to tell us 'all done fussing' to get out. It does work.
Anyway, I know how frustrating it can be to have a 'strong willed' child. I wish you good luck and calm thoughts...
R.

B.,

I'm a single Mom too, and I know how tough it can be dealing with working and trying to maintain control of a toddler...but, it can be done.

My son is 2.5 now and we have established a clear boundaries for what is okay and what is not okay. If he throws a tantrum, like the one you described (those started for us at around 18 months old), I do what Susan outlined in her post and I talk to him a gentle voice and sometimes cup my hands on my ears and say 'mommy can't hear you when you yell'. If we're at home, and it's safe, I sit and hold him or near him, and tell him that I can't help him unless he uses his words to tell me what he needs.

Most of the time tantrums are because toddlers don't know how to express the emotions they are feeling...angry/sad/frustrated. It's very tough when our kids want to convey something to us and they don't know what words to put with what emotions. I started trying to put words to what my son was trying to express...like it's okay to be mad, but if you talk to me about why you're mad then Mommy can help.

If tantrums ever occur in public, I just pick him up and leave where we are and go to the car. Once he's calm, I explain to him why we can't stay and how his behavior was not okay. If he wanted something he needed to show me and talk to me. Then, we buckle up and go home. Now, that he's older I am able to catch it before it gets too out of hand and get on his level and explain that it's not okay and why, and most times he gets it.

If he's in a visitation situation with his biological father, then you need to form some kind of consitent routine with him. This will help him know where home is, and that you will always be there. My son sees his father a few mornings a week, and the first few weeks were rough. He would come home angry and cranky, and once he saw that the routine was static he knew where he belonged and that no matter when he saw his father, he would always come home to Mommy.

Even though, I'm not a huge proponent of therapy, I'm seeing a family therapist who is helping me find ways to cope as a single Mom. It's great to have an objective third party who can help me see past my own stubborness and frustration, and give me advice on how to approach my days. Bascially, our kids NEED to know that no matter what happens Mommy is ALWAYS there...give your son some good one-on-one time and be there for him always.

Good Luck!

A great book, is "Your 2 Year Old" and you can get it at www.amazon.com Its a great book series, for each month of age. It's a quick easy read... and although written years ago is still very pertinent. It simply 'explains' the characteristics of a child at each age-set... and so the Parent can know their child is 'normal' and what to expect and how to help them.

...almost ALL kids do this at some time or another. It's the age and development. Moms know this. Its not only you.
This is an age of 'drama.'

You need to let him know how to express himself... what words to use, teach him the 'names' for feelings, and how to 'tell' you he needs help or is frustrated. In time, he will learn how to communicate.

ALSO, at this age, they do NOT have FULL impulse control yet. Full impulse control is not developmentally attained until at least 3+ years old.

Some parents put the child in time out, or put their toy in time out (ie: taking the toy away, and then speaking to the child about it and the behavior) then giving back the toy when the situation calms down, ignoring the behavior and then when they stop praise them for that (not the screaming).

But it has to be age appropriate. Kids this age are still learning about social 'rules' and what not. This is the way they communicate, for now. It will pass.

If he does it in public, kneel down to his eye level- tell him in a calm voice that you have to leave, and to use his 'indoor' voice. Then leave the store.

Often times, you can also try to 'whisper' to him when he does this. Even Teachers use this technique. Simply and calmly 'whisper' to him and tell him what is okay or not... and then he may bring his voice down a notch. Then praise hims when he does this.

Lots of toddlers flail themselves on the ground when they are frustrated or unhappy. It's very common. I often feel like laughing when my son does this. But I don't give in to him all the time, unless i know he is really hurt or distressed. Then I comfort him. If he is just fussy or in a bad mood... I verbally just reassure him, and let him know that when he feels better, Mommy is right here... then, he will deflate on his own, and come to me for a hug, which I then pull him onto my lap and we hug and I praise him for that.

Praise the "effort" for when they try their best... and help navigate them for when they are simply not at their best or frustrated.

For my son who is also 2 years old... I have recently been teaching him "manners" and how to be polite. So when he is grumpy or wants something & is yelling for example: I say "how do you ask nicely?" Then I say "please Mommy...." and I use a calm voice. Then he deflates and will 'mimic' me and say "please Mommy..." and then I praise him and help him with what he wants. Then I ALWAYS say "Thank you.." and hug him. Even my Hubby and Grandma has been impressed with his "manners" recently.... and he KNOWS he is achieving something good. He gets proud, and is 'learning' how to express himself, nicely. It's so amazing to see him learn and grow emotionally.

YOu can also try and just distract him when your son flails himself on the ground. Distraction works too.

One thing that does NOT work, is yelling back at them. It just escalates it and makes it worse. And just teaches them that 'yelling' is the only way to get attention.

I know, it's not easy. But all kids do this. Any Mom would know this. The MAIN thing.. .is to 'teach' them HOW to navigate themselves 'through' their feelings. Very important in the long run. Their 'emotions' are STILL developing at this age, and they simply do not understand it all or what they are feeling. It's normal. Feelings are an 'abstract' concept to a toddler. It's not tangible yet. And in time, they will learn boundaries about it... it takes time. All throughout their childhood.

All the best,
Susan

Have you heard that actions speak louder than words. He is trying to tell you something. Who is he angry at? Does he like visiting his bio-father? Does he feel he needs you more. I would find out what his love language is by getting the book the five love lanuages for children. Or the five love lanuages. It helps you identify love languages so he will feel loved. Sometimes we give them our love language when they have a different one. Some of them are touch (hugs etc) another I remember is praise, another gifts, and one on one time. I can't remember the 5th one. Also go to loveandlogic.com it gives really good ideas for discipline. I remember hearing one of there tapes when a kid was acting like yours. They give one liners to use like (Your actions are showing me you don't want......cookie, tv, etc.) If you stop......now you wont have to go to your room/sit on a chair, or I will be glad to.... with you once you stop........ fill in the blanks. Experience with it. M. R