Seeking Other Moms Advise with Simular Situations

Imagine your son was four years old and doing the same thing, how would you react? Handle the situation the same way now. He is a teen trying to find his identity. Any strong negative reaction will not lead to a positive outcome for either of you. If it turns out your son's sexual quirk is wearing ladies clothes be happy for him, there are a lot worse things out there than cross-dressing. Relax and love your son. He is probably just going through a phase. Even if he is not, he is still your little boy and needs your love and support always.
C..

S.,

I may not be the best for advice since my son is only 2 1/2, but maybe you should just talk to him over a bowl of ice cream or popcorn or something. Don't make a big deal out of it, but maybe bring up something like you've noticed that your close are sometimes out of place and maybe ask if his gilrfriend needed to borrow something for some reason...try to bridge the subject delicately. Be sure to try to create a safe place for communication. If he thinks he can talk to you without you freaking out then he'll open up eventually.

Maybe he's doing it to try to figure out how women think...We tend to confuse men of all ages.

A.

S., WOW what an awesome mother you are. I know you are thinking what in the world but I think you not running in and freaking out says alot of who you are. You are trying to do the right thing by him in asking other people for some suggestions or guidance. I wish I could tell you what to do. I have worked in the past with adoptive and foster parents which by doing this I have learned alittle about all kinds of things concerning children. It could be a phase... however I really don't think that alot of young men go through a phase like that. I really don't think he is gay either but I am not a professional on that. Think of the worst thing that could happen, he could be gay, a cross dresser, sexual disorder.... now think of the worst thing ever... that would be not having your son in your life. To me is doesn't make the others sound so bad. He maybe just curious but there maybe a gender issue as well. This is not so uncommon. Main thing is and I am sure you would, love him not matter what! I have a friend who is a child psychologist who works with children with really special issues. If you would like to email me, I would be happy to touch base with her and just find out what she thinks would be the best step for you to take as to figure some things out without any negative or damaging scenarios. I will pray for you and your son no matter what. M.

I have never been in your situation so I have much empathy. My honest advice would be to talk to a counselor to seek advice on how to confront your son. I think that he is going through a vital time in his life in the sense of discovering himself. Whether he is going through a phase or experimenting with things, he needs to know that while you may not understand his actions or even be encouring in them that he has your full support. I had friends in school that entertained various lifestyle choices and they were wonderful people, but their parents knew absolutely nothing about who they truly were. Several of them as adults have no relationship with their parents now. I have always been close to my family and would be heart broken if I didn't have that same bond with my children. Best of luck!

S. -

I don't think this is one of those things that you just wait to see if it "passes". Some questions come to mind...
- has he viewed pornography? If so, how deep into it is he?
- is his father involved with him in a meaningful way?
- does he have a solid moral framework within which to evaluate his feelings, impulses, sexuality?

I don't think you can afford to treat this as though he were 4 and just "dressing up". There is usually a sexual component to these things & if left unchecked, it could turn into something much more serious. I would gently address this issue privately, and with much love, with him. I would also encourage his dad to play a bigger role in his day to day life. Dad's play a critical role in the lives of our children (of both sexes).

Warmly - J.

Since he's 15 he may just be curious, but he's probably experiencing some feelings that definitely make him want to dress in women's clothing. MANY men who do so are not gay -they just have a compulsion to wear women's clothes. Yes, this seems strange and unfortunatey labels them "freaks" to a lot of people, but there's nothing wrong with them -they just have a deep need to wear stockings and dresses like some women only wear jeans and pants with button downs and sports jerseys and no makeup(and are not all gay). Then there are transgendered people who literally feel like they are the opposite sex trapped in the wrong body. Most often these people are gay because even though they inhabit a man's body, they feel like a woman and are therefore attracted to men -and vice versa. Before saying anything to him, I would contact PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) so they can give you the proper people to contact regarding teens experiencing this issue. It's really important that you're very careful in how you approach it. Like I said, it doesn't mean that he's GAY (not that there's anything wrong with it -at least in my book), but the PFLAG folks could probably put you in touch with a legitimate source. Whatever you do, don't approach him in anger or with the attitude that he's nuts or weird, and it sounds like you won't do that. This is probably a DEEPLY personal and very secretive thing for him, so when it does come out, he's going to feel super-awkward (and who doesn't about most everything at 15?). Good luck!

It could be a phase, however I would sit and ask him why he is doing that. After his response proceed from there.

It sounds like a great time to get reacquainted with you son. He might need you to help him realize nothing is wrong with him. Lots of people have fantasy worlds they live in. Curiosity or a phase, learn how to talk with him or you may not be able to in the future.

Dressing in women's clothing has nothing to do with sexual preference. Most men who do this are happily married. 15 is a difficult age. You should do an internet search for transvestite (sp?) support groups so you can better help your son.

Even though he has a girlfriend he may be bisexual...? I would just sit down and have a face to face talk with him. I know 15 seems young and he is still your "baby" but being up front and honest about what you saw and not freaking out about it, will show him that you will be understanding and hopefully he will feel the need not to hide these feelings or curiosity from you anymore... Hope it works out...

S.,

I am sure that the situation you described could be one that was upsetting for you. The most appropriate reaction, of course depends upon your personal beliefs and convictions. He may be just curious; he may be goofing off; he may be one of several different labels (gay, transvestite, trans gendered, etc.) For many parents, the most important thing is that your child is supported, accepted, and loved. For other parents, the most important thing is that their child adheres to a specific moral/religious code (for lack of a better description). If the latter describes where you stand, I would recommend being honest with your child about what you saw, letting him know that you respect him for the person that he is, and that you love him no matter what. It is important for you to understand that no matter the reason, he will probably be highly embarrassed. Yet, he will know that if he needs support in the future, there is someone whom he can talk to...you.

I don't know if this helps at all, but when I was that same age, I often wondered what I would look like if I had been born a boy. There was nothing sexual about it, I would just put my hair up under a hat, change my clothes. I had even asked my mother what she would've named me if I had been born a boy, or if she or dad ever wanted a boy more than a girl. It wasn't even "fantasy", it was more just kind of a "What if?" (And I grew up to be a fairly typical hetero mom.)

I don't know whether it's a phase or indicative of something bigger. My only advice is to assure him that you love him unconditionally, you are there for him if he ever needs to talk or share and that normal is a very subjective state of being.

Most men who cross-dress are heterosexual, just exploring expressing a different gender. It is possible that your son is gay or that he's transgendered, but he may still be figuring all that out. In any case, all you really need to do is let your son know you love him and accept him unconditionally. You don't have to ask him about this (he'd probably be too embarassed to talk anyway), just let him know he can talk to you about anything and that you're not going to freak out, reject him, or force him into therapy if he doesn't want it. Let him be the one to bring it up, if and when he's ready, you just lay the groundwork.