Seeking Moms Who Have Dealt with This Before

Glad you dumped the bum, Now he needs to take responsiblity for his child.

File a paternity suit aganist the bum and make him pay for his kid.

A.,

This man is using you. Although you may love him, it is time to get a little tough love going. If he really loved you and his child, he would get a job, (and there are plenty out there if he wants to work) help with the child and support you in a loving manner.

You diserve better than what you are settling for.

Dump Him, now.

Sorry to be so cruel A. but he'd have to leave permanently. It's not going to get any better I promise that!

Ask yourself, what do I love about this man? Does he support me emotionally or in everyday life? Does he care about what makes me or my child happy? Is he a helpmate to me? Do I want my son to grow up to be like his Dad? You cannot change him. But you can make better choices for your child and for you. Do you really love this man or do you love the idea of what you hoped the two of you could be. Sadly, it sounds like this guy has gotten too comfortable with you doing all of the work. This doesn't sound like a man who loves anyone but himself. Think about what kind of life you want 5 or 10 yrs. from now. Is he going to help you get there? He may not be a bad person, but he is stuck on himself and having his fun now. He is really immature and is not being responsible. I know it is a huge disappointment. But if you have been raising you son pretty much on your own and working and going to school, you have what it takes to lift yourself and your son out of this situation. You can move forward and achieve much. You are stronger than what you know and your son will be your motivation. This guy is not ready to be a responsible adult or father. Decide what it will take for you to be happy and make a plan to get there on your own. As long as you enable him, he will not grow up or take responsibility. Maybe it's easier for you to move out. It is a hard choice to make, but you are worth it. A happy you will create a happy child. I wish you the best. Seek help to get you through this. Maybe your school has some type of daycare or special scholarships for single moms. Check with the financial aid office. Maybe your family can help temporarily. A year from now you will be glad and feel empowered that you had faith in yourself to secure a brighter future. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and so does your son. Do not ever settle for less. Why would you want to support someone who is not kind to you? If you can't tell him no...leave. You have had to grow up fast. Know this. You teach people how to treat you. You are teaching your son, how to teach women. Hold your head high and be proud of your self and demand respect. From today forward, know you always deserve to be respected. How you got to where you are doesn't matter. It's what you do from here. God Bless you.

I have not been in this situation and pray that you find peacein it. But I have been a single mother, not by choiceof my husband or I but by Uncle Sam, several times. I cn give you this tid bit of advice. When you are the sole caregiver of your child and acting head of your house you need to develope a habit of saying NO and sticking to it, yeah yeah easier said than done. It is importantfor you and your son to have a safe and secure environment. Your emotional dismay with your mate does not help ya'lls son. Set done and take to him, but first think about how you would like for you house to run, why you love him so much to give him a child, Your goals for you and your son, his goals for you, your son and him. This is a hard adult conversation many couples married or not do not have. It is one that need to be visited often and with a whole heart and concern. God bless you.

You don't need help to figure it out. You just want affirmation that leaving the relationship is the right thing to do. IT IS. Get going and don't look back. Do what is right for you and your child.

Honey - RUN!!! Do not walk - get out of that now - this is a situation that screams bad bad bad - you sound like a smart young lady who has trouble knowing she is smart. The red flags are jumping up all over the place. He is using you and the baby will be a sword he holds over your head. He is abusive emotionally and there is help for you and your child if you ware willing to accept it. Will your family and friends help you? If you do not have a church to turn to call as many as you need to to get help. Hope Place is an alternative - although you are not apparently in a violent situation you are still an abused partner. Have you spoken with your advisor at school? If you feel he is becoming an alcoholic, you stand the risk of becoming a victim of physical violence as alchohol exascerbates the situation. Please check into the resources you have available - I'm sure there are so many of us here who care about you and your son. Good luck and God's blessings on you.

I have never been in your situation but I say get out now. If you are already taking care of your child on your own then get out. If it's bad now it will only get worse especially if he is becoming an alcholic.

I am so sorry to hear you are in this position. I have a little girl who just turned one in February. I have been a single mom now for almost 4 months. I was the only one working and supporting the family for a few months before we broke up. I looked at it this way, if I am gonna support her by myself I am gonna support her by myself. I told him over and over to get a job, but he wouldn't take me seriously. I told myself on a monday that if he didn't make an effort to get a job by friday that I was done. That friday when I got home from working all day while he kept a warm spot on the couch for me, I told him to leave. It was hard at first, and it always will be, especially when there is a child involved. I felt guilty because I thought I was taking her daddy away. He still had every chance in the world to see her, but chose not to. I couldn't be happier now. It was really the best decision I could have made. He still doesn't have a job, so he still isn't helping me support our daughter. Some things just never change! I just filed for child support, so he's gonna have to start doing something. Good luck! I hope you make the best decision for you and your son. I don't know you personally, but I have been in your shoes. Just think about all the hurtful things he has said or done to you and the decision may come easier for you. No woman, especially one who gives her all to take care of his child, deserves this. Don't put up with it girl!

I agree -- get rid of him. If you are already doing it on your own anyway, it won't be much of a change and emotionally you will feel better, even tho there may be a little healing that needs to take place first!!!!! BE STRONG!

Change the locks! Please develope some self respect and don't make this mistake again.

Kick him to the curb quicky and then notify Child Services that he does not pay child support. He will get a job and send you support.

Noone deserves to live in the environment that you are raising your son. For your sake and your son's sake, you need to move ahead with your life.

I would recommend that you get some good faith-based counseling.
I have lived in an abusive situation for 11 years. There is
good life after you end it.

Put your trust in a loving Jesus to lead and guide you to someone who deserves you and your baby. You don't know what love is yet. I will keep you in my prayers.

Do it now, before something really bad happens to you or your child. Kick him out and say, "Don't call me, just mail your child support." He is only using you to enable his laziness.

God Bless you in your new life.

CDG

KICK HIM OUT!!! I am 23 and have a 3 year old son with a man that has NEVER done anything for me or my son. He hasn't held a job since I had my son, yet continues to make promises that he will do better. I work part- time and go to school full time and he does nothing at all to help me or to provide for his son. As a matter of a fact, he has not even seen him in over 2 years. If your sons father loved you, or his child, he would get off his behind and find a job, even if it's at McDonalds. Child Support court is also a viable option for Child support. DO NOT be a woman who wants to keep a man so desperately that you are willing to lower your standards or pay to keep him. It is not worth it. Both you and your son deserve so much better. Take it from someone who has lived it very recently. If you ever want to talk you can send me a message at ____@____.com Luck to you!!

A.,

Please read the book or get the CD, "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

You'll be glad you did :-)

I have dealt with this- in m life and in many friends lives.
I wont repeat what everyonelse has said, but I will agree with them all.
Get him out. Get a lawyer or go through DHR. Move on.
If he gets it together, great then you can talk again, but if not (probably NOT)- you have to get what you need to take care of your child. the longer you wait, the worse it will get.

I have been where you are right now. The best adice I can give you is to be strong and let that man go!! I know it seems like it might be harder doing things without him or lonley because of the little compaionship he does provide, but it is not worth the stress and financial strain he is putting you through. If you want to be in a relaationship with him set your boundaries and expectations and do not let him persuade you not to follow through with what you want. In my case, my daughters father was 10 years older than me and I really did not want to fall in the statistics category of being a single parent, so I held on. Finally after 7 years of him not working, or only working part-time, not contributing to the household finances and playing play station all day, I called it quits (it was very, very, very, hard to do) I stayed strong and found out that I had more money with out him using up my electricity, eating my food, and asking for 5 or 10 dollars 2-3 times a week. I also found out that I had more people willing to support me with the care of my daughters. It has been 4 years since I left my daughter's father and I have found someone and recently married him (02/29/08) who is a great man and financial provider. As for my daughter's father he is still doing the same thing, just living off of any woman he can find. As long as you are miserable with him, you are not only hurting yourself but your son as well because you are not happy and are not giving your son the best of you! Do not let this man continue to block your blessings!!

Honey,you deserve soooo much BETTER!!!!!!! You've got it together.You're working full-time,going to school full time and doing this all as a single Mom.YOU'RE AWESOME!!!!!!!! PLEASE DO NOT waste your time on this person....He's not gonna' change.O.K. now here's the part you may not want to hear....If you really were "In LOVE" with this man,you want and expect him to LOVE and RESPECT you..That's what real love is.....If he's treating you this way NOW,it's only gonna get worse in time...You sound like a strong,capable woman,please don't short change yourself on a man like that....Good-Luck Hon..

A. - I am so sorry for what you are going through. However, I have to tell you from my experience that things will only get worse. Please get out while you can. There may be hope for this man - but as long as you stay, he'll have no incentive to change. If you move on and get strong by yourself, he may continue to be the way that he is - and you'll be better for moving on. He might decide to change his ways - and good for him if he does. Then the two of you can work on a mature relationship built on respect for one-another.

I am in the middle of a nasty divorce now because I did not read the warning signs. OK - I did read them, but chose to ignore them assuming that this man would change. I know have 3 children with no father. Although I wouldn't change a thing as I love my babies more than words could possibly convey, I never intended on doing this totally alone. I am scared and I am mad. I'll be OK - but I look back and realize that I could have done things so differently.

In my life I have seen men like this change and it is beautiful to watch and see. However, the majority of them remain the way that they are. You and your child deserve more than that!

This is just my opinion - I hope that it helps!
B

Please read your letter to yourself, or better yet, get someone to read it to you. Maybe you will wake up. Get rid of this free loading bum and get a life for you and that baby. Anyone who mistreats the mother of his child is so definintely not worth having. Do it now, so you will have the opportunity to meet some nice guy who is worthy of your love and the love of a beautiful baby boy. Do you want your son to grow up learning to mistreat women? Pleasse find a group that deals with co-dependency and try to find out why you feel you have so little self worth that you would allow someone to mistreat you, emotionally and possibly physically. Who buys his booze? If you have a job and go to school full time, you must have something worth fighting for. How long do you think it will be before he starts mistreating your son? Will you stand by and allow that to happen. WAKE UP!!! I'm not your mother, but if I were, I would be quite distressed to see this happening to my daughter and grandson.

N., mother of 6 and grandmother of 16, gr. grandmother to one.

Dear A.,
Stay Strong-You are doing the RIGHT THING-that is ALWAYS what is Best for you and your BABY!! Don't second guess yourself. You have a child to think of-something unfortunately your child's Father doesn't seem to do.

I will pray that your situation turns around and that it gets easier for you.

I think also your decision to get in church where you have a good support system is a Wise one, also, if there are women in your family you can go to about this-DO IT.
ANY Mother can relate to you wanting what's best for your child (especially one in your family) and can help you Not call, have contact for a while until your Child's Dad's attitude/behavior improves.
Also, if the church you go to has counseling, get some-It sounds like your relationship with your Child's Father isn't entirely healthy and if you find out why Now, later on you will be able not to repeat the relationship with your boy's father Or someone else.
I wish you the Best!
C.

A. - You sound like you have a TON to offer a man with your ambition to be working and attending school. Congratulations to you for doing this. Don't let him drag on you emotionally! You deserve a man who will contribute to your family equally. Either you move to another location or make him stay out - no nights at your home. He's free loading off your generosity and your son surely does not need him as a role model. Surround yourself with people you respect and look up to and both you and your son will have a bright future. You say you love him but you need to drop this guy and mend your broken heart. The right person will come in to your life and you will have a great life with him and your baby!!!!

Since you are a mom now, and this man does not seem to want to commit to you and your son, you need to ask yourself what is best for your child. Also ask yourself if this man is worth the example he is setting for your son. I know your little boy is only 13 months, but as he grows he will pay attention to how you are treated. He will learn what is acceptable and what isn't through your example and that of the people around you. Do you want him to grow up thinking it's okay to treat women the way this man is treating you? Do you want him to have a child with someone and then treat them the way this man is treating you? If you're a student, there are plenty of places to go on campus for support. Also, look for a local support group for single parents. I know you love this man and it will be difficult, but please put your child, his and your safety, and his and your future first. Everything else will fall into place when the time is right.

A.,
You are young but you seem to be smart enough to know you need to be in school. Use that same brain to be smart enough to get out of this. Ask God for the strength to say no and mean it!

A., lets cut to the chase. You will never reach your potential with this parasite hanging around. Even though your child is young he/she will begin to pick up on the way you are being treated and copy that behavior. Do you want to raise a child that acts like this man? No! You want your children to be nice and respectful and live a productive life. There probably is goodness in this man but it is not your job to pull it out of him. People like that need to be set free if they want to grow.
Do it! M

I haven't dealt with this personally, but I have know several young women who have. The results are always the same. This man will not change with the way things are- its too comfortable. This is not a healthy relationship for you or for your baby. You must get him out of your life and make a fresh start- even if it means moving to another place (without telling him). You should probably take him to court at that point and get full custody of your child if you don't have it already. He would have to prove income and have a home to share custody. The point here is you must DO it.. you are young and can get on with your life. He is using you in more ways than one!

He has his own place? I would be tempted to tell him to stay there. If he does not seem to be interested in the child especially. Can he sit with the child? Be a stay at home dad? If you think his drinking has made him too dangerous even to provide that help to you...then you are better off without him.
You don't "need" him, it seems. He "needs" you because he is a leech, and lazy. The best thing for him would be for him to have to take care of himself for a change and to grow up!

there really isn't much to figure out. you need to put your foot down and tell him a fact or two and if he doesn't comply he has to go. what is the worst that could happen if you kick him out?? you would have to take car of yourself and son, but wait you are already doing that so kick him out. if he can't treat you with respect,love,support you really don't need a boy like that. get the courage and tell the free loader to leave. I wish you the best, i don't think he will ever change he is quite comfy how things are going.

Kick him out now before it gets worse. What good is he doing you? No emotional support or financial, you are doing it on your own anyway. You will get through this even though it seems impossible. READ you letter. You have said it all right there, you already know the answer to your question.

Hmmmm, to be honest with you...he needs to leave and you need to reclaim your power as a woman and loving Mother to your child. Be TRUE to yourself first and foremost with caring towards those in your life but you must develop healthy boundaries for yourself. He cannot take from you what you do not allow...of course you would like to share your life with someone loving and supportive for you and your baby but from what you've shared about this person he is not in a place to "step up to plate" as a companion or even more importantly a FATHER. There is a line in a song that I have always remembered and it is something for you to think about..."It doesn't matter who you sleep with because you always wake up with yourself".

This is about YOU and if you are going to choose to Honor yourself, hold yourself in "Self Respect" and "Inner Dignity". Unfortunately he IS an Alcoholic not about to be so he is feeling empty within himself...not only is he not emotionally available to you or your child he is not emotionally available to HIMSELF and will continue to cross boundaries and Manipulate your situation simply because YOU ARE ALLOWING IT.

Please understand that as I write this to you I have lived where you are at this time and there are challenges before you but you can do this...Love yourself and your sweet child, move forward and you will find a sacred place within yourself that brings you a Peace for you and the Baby that you have never known...I Promise...Trust who you are my firend, do not limit yourself nor define yourself by this unfortunately unhealthy person...you are a you beautiful soul who has so many possibilities to move toward.

Peace to You....

A man who treats you badly, especially one who is drinking, will only get worse. I've seen it over and over. You need to break up with him permanently and concentrate on your son and schooling.; He isn't any help to you or to his son-and he likely never will be. The emotional hurt will become worse, and statistically will become physical hurt as well. Please love yourself and your son more than this dead-beat man who won't work and refuses to even give you love and respect.

Kick him to the curb babe, you and your child don't need him around. You need to think of raising your son, not raising a the father and having him around is just taking away from your source of income that you should be saving for your's and your son's future. There are good loving men out here in the world, you don't have to settle for one that is not going to be the kind of man you want your son to grow up like. Love yourself and your child. My quote in life is this: "You can't live anyones life for them, they have to live it for themselves." You can't make your boyfriend change, but you can change yourself and your way of thinking. Good luck!

I have two words for you - FAMILY COURT. You need to go get an order for child support from this man ASAP. If you do not have money for an attorney, go to legal aid or go to the court and file the papers yourself.

You also need to take a second look at your relationship. You admit he treats you badly and acts like he hates you. Is this what you really want? Men don't change unless they want to change and he obviously doesn't want to change. He is getting what he wants from you but you aren't getting what you and your child need from him. Get out!

A., after reading your statement, the answer to your questions is a no-brainer. Make him leave! You don't need him. You need to say no and stick to it. Change the locks and don't answer the door for this "man" and I use this term loosely. Did you read your satement. Here is why you should leave:
1 - He doesn't want to commit.
2 - He treats you bad.
3 - He does not help support the family, he is lazy.
4 - He hurts you emotionally.
5 - He drinks habitually.
Do you really want this man for a "role model" for your son? He doesn't want to commit, something better might come along or he might have to "stand up" and get a job and do his part. There is no excuse for not having a job. Anyone can get a "job" if they want one. He obviously does not want one. There is "NO EXCUSE" for hurting you emotionally or any other way. I hope you aren't buying his "alcohol/beer". A., you do not need this man......"he needs you" to support him and he's not willing to do "anything" for you, the boy, or the relationship. You must leave. Don't be afraid to be alone. You and your boy will be better off and you won't have the emotional rollercoaster that you do now. Do not feel sorry for this guy, he is doing enough of that all by himself. This will not get better, only worse. If you tell him "its over" and he promises to change...."don't believe him". Make him stay away until you see a change. Not an overnight change, but say get a job (any job) and keep it for 6 months. I'd be willing to bet $100 it will not happen. Do this for your son if you can't do it for yourself.
God Bless You and Your Boy
L. M

You already know what to do. If he's not contributing financally or in others ways with the household (cleaning, cooking, shopping, caring for the child) and is emotionally abusive, he is just there using you as a meal ticket, etc. Do you really want your son to have him for a role model? Do what's best for you and your son get rid of the slug.

Hi A.,
Honey, please get out of that situation!!!!! This man is a parasite who has attached himself to you. Who, in their right mind, wouldn't want a woman who works, goes to school and tries to keep a good home for her son? You must feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I have a daughter who is 21. I would give her this same advice. You are a smart woman, and have a good future ahead of you, but you need to tell this man not to come around anymore. You need a chance to find someone who has the same values as you do, who will work to help build your future and that of your little boy! What kind of an example is the father of your child setting for his son? And more importantly, why should you have to be the one to shoulder every responsibility in life with NO HELP!!!! This is not what a real man does, A.. He should be telling you, "No, you've got enough to do. I will work while you go to school, etc." What are you getting from this relationship? No love, no help, no respect, and in fact, he is draining you of any free time you might have, along with your money! He, on the other hand, is getting someone to wait on him, fix meals, a bed partner, and the money to do what he wants (that YOU provided!) He is old enough to understand responbility, if not for himself, at least for his child and you! My gut feeling is that he is worried he will be "stuck" paying child support if he ends the relationship, so he keeps you hanging on. It would be worth it to be rid of him, even if you DIDN'T get any child support from him. Please tell him it's over. You might think it will hurt you too much to do that, but in the long run, you will be doing something wonderful for yourself by loving yourself enough to give A. A CHANCE AT LIFE with someone who will truly care for you and not use you. Remember, your son depends on YOU, and YOU are all he has. You must take care of yourself for him, and notice I said, LOVE YOURSELF. Do what's good for YOU for a change, honey. You DESERVE THE BEST, and you certainly are not getting it. Please write and let me know how you are doing. I care.
C.

A., change the locks on the house, dead bolt them, change your phone number and cell number-move if necessary but get rid of this guy....he's no good for you or you son....sounds like you're trying to make a life for yourself. i'm proud of you for pushing into that....do you really want this guy to be a male role model for your son? itsn't it better not to have a male figure in his life right now than to have this one? Sounds like you have guts....put them to good use and remove him from your life....it's hard, but you can do it...good luck....R.

DITCH HIM! You are worth so much more than that! It took me several years to get away from a boyfriend, and now looking back I think what an idiot I was to not see him for the lazy, leechy slob he was. Now I am married to a wonderful man and we have two gorgeous children. I stay at home while my husband works and goes to school. So, see you don't need a him even if he is your baby's daddy. You don't want that kind of role model for your baby. Kick him out and change the locks.

i know there will be no one who can give you the perfect answer to this situation and i know this because i have been in something somewhat similar.. there is going to come a point in your life when you have had enough and it will be then that you will be able to close that chapter in your life and move on with your beautiful baby.. each and every woman that has told you to pray is the best advice you can ever receive.. i know your feelings may overshadow your judgement because making decisions like that are so hard and require so much strength that you will come to know you have had all along.. just know that you are blessed with a miracle every day your baby is with you and you do what is best for you and him no matter how much pain you may go through it will get better and there is someone that will love you both as you deserve.. ask yourself every single day do u really want to live this way and expose your heart and your little one to this nonsense cause that's all it is and you do whatever it takes to reclaim yourself and make a better life for ya'll.. i wish you the best and will pray for you both..

A., for the sake of your child and yourself, tell that no good bum to hit the road and never come back. You will find your household in much better shape with him gone. You don't need the alcohol around you and it's setting a bad example for your child also. He's not worth your time or your love if he is not willing to give 50 percent. He is what we natives call a Shadow Walker. He will suck you dry then move on to his next victim. Don't let this happen to you or your baby. Think about what is best for the child and that is living in a home where he is loved, even if it is with one parent.

J.

You are not a long with how man act after the child is born.
You need to find out if you love you. So, you need to think about if you can make it on your own and if he has a job(it is called child support). The love is there from you but if he can not see that and that a son was GOD saying that he need to be a better man then you need to be a stronger woman. If you can not see a great future with your man that you not to pray to be lead to sometime better. I would never say to any woman leave because love is hard to come by but you must think about it(do he love you? will he get help for his drinking? if you get another baby will thing get worth? how much do i love me and my son? or do i love that man more than i love life and being happy?). I guest what I am say fight for love but do not detroy you.

Girl you need to get that man OUT OF YOUR HOUSE a.s.a.p. He is 29 years old and is perfectly able to get a job somewhere, and especially be the MAN and FATHER that he should be to you and your son. I to had to kick the love of my life to the curb for five years after our daughter was born because he decided that there were more important things in life (ie: Bar, Racing, and another woman) And after a 5 year complete cut off from me and his daughter, he decided that there where actually better things in life than what he was doing. And he didn't want to miss anymore of her life. I was 24 when this happend, I am now going on 33 and have been married to my daughters father now for 8 months. It was a very long, hard road but things can turn around....you are 21 years old, you need to do what's best for you and that baby now. You don't need him around to have to raise him too, it's way to h*** o* you and your son. I know that you love him, I loved my now husband the whole entire time that he was gone from our lives....but DO NOT let this man do this to you. I hope that you don't take what I said the wrong way, I've just been there and pray that everything works out for you two. Good Luck!!

Hi A.,
I dont want to be a sore thumb on this subject but take it from me. I raised my 1st son by myself on and off. When his dad didn't have anyone else then he would come to me and after he got bored with that he would leave again. I did this for 7 years after my son was born. 5 years before that. If they are not willing to change now with you and he keeps getting away with what ever he's getting away with, he never will change. Its to easy for them to keep doing what they are doing. You tell him to leave and stay out and you stick to your word no matter what if he says he is going to change you make him show you by getting his act together and becoming responsible by getting a job a place of his own and pay his own bills and no partying with the boose. When you see he has actually changed then you start dating like you first meet and acquiring a relationship outside of living together before you commit to anything else with him.
I am a 39 year old women who has dealt with this situation I left that relationship and never turned back. Now I am in another relationship with a alcoholic and 2 more boys with him. I have turned my life over to God and this has helped me tremendously. Without the Lord in my life I would not be sane today. It is possible for you to find good men that will treat you and your son the way you are suppose to be treated. With love, respect and honor. Keep looking they are out there.

Hi A.,

Here's some advice from a twice burnt, been there, done that woman. Without going into details about my experiences let me just say...get out of the relationship NOW. You can't change the man as much as you love him. And you are placing your son in danger being around an alcoholic. There are safe homes for women just like you...use their services...they saved my fanny. Good luck, God bless and I'll keep you in my prayers.

W. Q

A.
Tell this loser to hit the door and don't come back no more. It would be better for you and the baby. Tell him when he wants to be a part of your family to give you a call. He needs some help for the drinking. You sound like you have your act together so let him go. I will pray for you.

you need to cut the bum off and do not let him disrespect you in front of your son. You do not want your son to grow up with him as a role model. Seek out positive people to help support you emotionally

girl leave that trash now!!! you are doing it by yourself now so you could do it without him. i know you said you love him but think of it this way which one do you love more?..your baby or him...i would hope your baby so that is all you need because i promise you that baby's love is all you need girl. concentrate on him and your schooling. hope this helps..there are more good guys out there that will be willing to love you and your kid when the time is right.

Dearest A., please do not allow this man ( if that's what you want to call him ) to control your life any longer. You've obviously done quite well raising the baby without his help so far and from experience I am here to tell you that he will not change. He is using you and the baby for a crutch and if you don't put him out now you will go down with him. You deserve the best and as long as he is around he is blocking all of your doors of opportunity including a chance at real love with someone who will love you back and give you the respect you not only long for but deserve. Be strong for you and your baby and send him down the road now before it is to late. Ann H

Boy do you need a wake up call you are doing everything by yourself anyway except having sex i would put him out maybe he will growup an maybe he won't but you will fill better about yourself Iam sure of it. My hat is off to you for trying this on your own, good luck, just go for it girl

hi my name is M. look if the man don't help you emotional and financially the best thing for you to to walk away because he probably won't change or he found someone new.for your safety and son leave him now before it becomes to late. you are a great person who could raise a child on her own. I am raising my two children alone one is sixteen and the other 2 and 2 months. your family can help you and their are organization that can help you with your child so you are never alone.

Dear A.:

Take it from a woman that lived several lives in one... You already know what you need to do! I was in an emocionally destructive relationship for over 4 years with a man 20 years older than me. He was a well educated man but wanted a secret relationship since he had a divorce battle at the time, well that was the main reason for a while! I was suffering, I even visited a psychologist. Her answer? "Weight the positives on this relationship and the negative aspects, you are the only one capable of making your own decision, you'll know when you're ready..."

In your case this man is not willing to help you, doesn't love you, he's becoming an alcoholic which endangers you and your little son! Honey, think with your brain, not with your heart! I know it's hard but sometimes we wait, and wait, expecting others to change, believing something will come up, meanwhile we waste ourselves, and in the proccess, our little ones suffer seeing a poor relationship from their parents.
I've seeing so many sad things... I am 45 now, and Dear, I am happily married to a man who was willing to sacrifice his comfort to be with me! But if instead of breaking with my well-educated boyfriend I had stay in the relationship, who knows where I would it be today!
Find strength in God, guidance to your life, and if you find you need extra support, don't hesitate, reach out to your family, your friends, a church, a community program, someone will be able to stand next to you in your journey!

I am at your service, feel free to email me if you need me!
hugs,
R.

I would go to a see someone to understand why I am so depend on this man feel wise. Once I have the courge to leave him I would get a plan on moving out myself unless you both live in your house. Maybe if he see you can really stand on your own to feet he will come around. I would then make him pay me child support , it toke two of you to make this blessing for God. I would not want my child to get the idea that it is all right to treat woman live this.

Speaking from someone who has been there ,,,,sounds harsh but he's not the problem...you are! YOU have to set bounderies & you're in love with the IDEA of being in love! I've been there & finally woke up after many years of heart aches!If you live on your own let HIM know HE'S NOT WELCOME in YOUR home! There's a great book by Robin Norwood called Women Who Love Too Much! It's worth it's weight in gold! Not expensive or hard to read...a paperbook...GET IT! Then get some counseling for YOU...It's not about "him" it's about YOU & now you have the responsibility of a precious child...! There is help out there for you if you want it...please take advantage of it...You're worth it! GOOD LUCK!!!

Hi A., I am a single mom with 2 children and trust me it is much better to do it alone than live with a man that is an acholic. My first husband was abusive not only emotional but physically. You don't want to raise your child in nothing like that. I know it's hard but it's better than living in a bad sittuation. It's not good for the kid or you. It only gets worse if he is an acholic.

A.,
I was in the almost the same situation as you are currently. I am a single mother and have done all of the supporting of my 7 yr old daughter since I became pregnant. Her father doesn't even know she's a girl and I don't miss him. When he got angry with me for becoming pregnant he went to great extremes to try to make me get an abortion. I have found out that I don't need a man to make me happy and my daughter is actually better off without her "father". Kicking you son's father to the curb is most likely the best thing that you can do for yourself and your son. If you would like to talk more let me know.
G.

A., I went through exactly what you are going through. I went through the pregnancy alone, also. I didn't think I could live without him. It cost me a lot of good years.
Even though I didn't want to really end it, I knew I had to. What I did was pray a lot. Finally I made up my mind that what I wanted was not the ultimate here. I had a son who was going through all the nervousness and pain I felt.
I loved a man who was killing me emotionally which was causing all kind of problems. Your child can feel all this too. I didn't want my child to be influenced by the dad he had. One day, I decided that my husband was dead to me. I refused to think about him (a real battle), not let anyone mention anything about him to me, and refused to talk to him. It was really hard and it really hurt. It was best for my son and me. Your child needs one good stable parent. The father isn't that parent. God Bless You.

I'm usually not this 'barbed', but....my first thoughts:
Kick the man who won't support his son to the curb....get a GOOD lawyer....for the sake of your child's financial security. Love does not behave the way this child's "donor" behaves...trust me on that.

A., We have a 23year daughter she has a young son who is now 27 months old. Her and her husband has been married for 4 years. Their first child died when he was 7 months old due to a birth defect. He has never been totally supportive and never did let my daughter grieve. He never hit her but was very verbile abusive. She also went to school full time and had to get a job which she worked to 10:30pm and had to drive 45 minutes home every night. We are finding out now that not only was he abusive he did lose his temper and hit the walls and he did picked her up and threw her down she is only 4'11" and weight about 110lbs. He is over 6' tall. They are in the process of getting a divorce. If your family is close they will always be support and will help you. Please call them for help and you can also call the police and asked them to help get him out of the house. Most of the time when there is verbal abusive physically abusive come along. There is too many good men who would not only will love you but you son as well. You can't put yourself first anymore You have to think about your son. Your situation willnot get any better. Take care. E. A.

I know you have probably heard this all before... but you need to leave him... Kick him out... If you feel like he doesn't love you then why do you still let him stay... But you won't do this till you are ready and wake up and see what this is doing to you and your son... I wish you luck..

A., as someone said, it would be good to file a paternity suit if you could. However, I'd get a police court order to stay away from you. Be careful, as this guy will become violent in time. If he's drinking, he'll get angry at just about anything he feels under pressure and stressed about. He doesn't love you. Get over him. Find a church and keep working. Good luck.

I have actually been through this exact predicament. It is so important that you love yourself as well as your son and put you guys first! It is my advice that you ask this man to leave as in doing so he will have to face what he stands to loose. Sometimes this works and sometimes not, but it will take a lot of stress off of you. Also, give this some thought, how long do you think it will take him to start treating your child the same as he treats you? Protect what is precious and love yourself. Peace, KimP.

Blessed you child..you are still young. Don't subject yourself and your child to such unhappiness. You deserve more..and you seem to be moving in the right direction. You're working AND going to school. Your strength comes for the Lord. This man is using you and your child is a blessing to YOU. We have all made mistakes but we learn from them. This is your time to shine. If he has a key ask for you key back and explain to him that you do care and unless he gets help you will move on. If you see no change and he can't contribute then you don't need him pulling you down. You have so much to thrive for...It's two of you that you have now..Be positive in all that you do...NO becomes easier to say once you start..especially if it's no advantage to you or the welfare of your child..Be strong. and if he is abusive with words..you don't want him to become physically abusive. If you have to get the authourities involved so be it. Before it gets too out of hand..If you can Change your locks..and by all means don't allow him to have access to your accounts. You are a strong young lady and I can tell you remind me a little of myself...You can do bad by yourself...Once you get rid of him..You will feel as lite as a feather and be uplifted.. Prayer always helps. I hope this helps you. Be Blessed..

You have a very simple dilemma. You need to kick his butt to the curb! There are too many options out there. If you're supporting your household alone, you already know you can survive without him. The biggest problem most women face when trying to decided whether they need to let their men go is, "can I make it on my own financially?" You're already doing that, so send him on his way. Once you do that, you need to constantly stay in prayer. The devil will certainly get busy and make things look appealing but remember God is all you need and you can do ALL things through Christ, that strengthens you (including kicking him out FOR GOOD)! I'll be praying for you Ms. A.... may God Bless you!

i know you love this man but you need to kick him to the curb and get your child support. my husband never paid child support and i regret it to this day, not for me but for my child. if you dont want to do this for you, than do it for your child. every little bit helps. besides you can do better

I have never dealt with a situation like this. First and formost you need to pray about this. Every child needs a dad but they also do not need a dad who will not work, verge of alcholism and cannot show love to you. I recommend christian counciling to you and to him, if he'll go. If he chooses not to do better then get out you deserve better. Sounds like you have everything together- working, going to school and raising a child (great job).

PS DO NOT let him stay the night, he can see his child during the day, especially if he is not working.

A., you sound like a very smart girl. Take a step back and look at yourself, You Are Strong! Think how much easier it would be if this man were not around. It sounds like he does nothing to help you. You are supporting him, he does not deserve you. You are making a life for your baby and yourself, I applaud you for the initiative you are displaying. I was once in a similar situation, it took me several years to finally see the light and ask him to leave. After he was gone, life was much easier, I started to gain back some of the self respect I had lost while I was with him. I got my life together, finished school, opened my own business and my sons and I have a wonderful life.

Kick him out and don't let near ur son. It will be hard but do u want ur child growing up in that. Think about what is best for ur child right now.

A.,
I am sure you have an emotional attachment to this male person (I won't call him a man, because he isn't), because you had a child with him.
He is not going to change. He is abusive, minipulative, & an emotional leech. Tell him to hit the road and stay gone or you will get a protective order against him. If he still wants to visit his son, have it take place at your parents home or a friends house, preferably with a man present.
You are doing a great job raising your son by yourself, you do not need this loser. You and your son deserve better, and you will find better, if you give yourself a chance.
This guy doesn't care about your or your son, if he did he would be helping you financially.
My prayers are with you. As Dr. Laura would say, "Now go do the right thing." Sheilea T

Drop him. If he treats you wrongfully and is not helping out you would be better to be alone then to raise your child around a man who treats you bad. Your son will see the way he treats you and he will treat other people that way. Go to court, try to get whatever custodiy you would like and child support. You deserve to be happy. :-) Good luck!

Dear Sweet A., I hear your pain. It sounds like your babies daddy is an alcoholic. His behavior is typical of one. You may have come from a family with addicts too possibly? It would really benefit you to attend an ALANON Family Group. It is for friend and family of alcoholics, and you will learn how to set boundaries, and limits that are good for your emotional health. He is not acting respectfully of you because you allow him to act abusively by not sticking to your limits. You may have fear issues. I have been through this too and had alot of bad relationships. I had alcoholic family members too. I have been going to ALANON since 1984, and have a wonderful sponsor, to whom I am accountable for my actions/behavior, and who gives me guidelines and listens to me. You are doing all of the work, (school, work, caring for child) alone, and will eventually suffer physically. You can have serenity in the midst of these terrible issues in your life! B. S. RN.,CCM.

A., I realize that love is blind, but you already have a plate full and do not need this bum hanging around. Find a kind loving man who will not only help support your child but will encourage you in your endeavors. You are a smart woman and deserve more from your man. Good luck and hang in there it will all happen for you.

A.,
Find a Alanon group that works the steps. Keep going back until you find the right group. You will find supportive, nonjudgemental people who know what you are going through and help you find your inner strength to change your situation. Also, find a counselor if you can afford it and a supportive church group. Alanon and church groups are free. You owe it to yourself and your son. You need help to survive this kind of stress and it is out there for you. I wish you the best.

It sounds like you would get more help from him by making him leave and filing for child support. That child is not just yours and if he can't see the commitment you are putting into it and be willing to do the same, then you don't need him. Besides, is the child ever going to be truly happy in an environment like that?

A.,

From experience you have to stay strong. When your mind and heart get together you will be able to say Leave and stick to it, in the mean time you have to pray and fight off the feeling of desiring him to be there. My ex-husband sounds a lot like your guy and it was very difficult for me to let that go b/c I was accustom to being with him and his mess. Once I realized that he wasn't going to change I decided it was best for me to move on. I have two children and was going to school, it is difficult to do but with support from my family and finding things to occupy my time I was able to drop him. YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS. Don't be afraid, we all have a story to tell and your son will be better if he is in a positive home, not saying he is not. You have to build up the strength to say NO and not worry about his feelings, he may say mean things to you. He may try to run off new fellows, show up at your job but through it all you have to keep saying NO. If that means no contact even for your son's sake for a while do that, your already taking on the responsibility of it alone anyway.

I walked away from a fully furnished home to have a peace of mind, moved my children into a small apartment but we slept good and felt good. I was lonely at first but he wouldn't leave so I left. Seek comfort from your love ones or church members and keep pushing and stay strong. You are not alone. You will see how God will open up doors for you when you depend on him to get you through.

T.

Please, please, please look in the phone book and find the neasrest Al Anon Family Group. Al Anon is for the friends and families of people sho have drinking problems. They will help you learn how to love this man and say no. Go to at least 3 meetings before you decide if this is for you. Trust me. I have been in your situation and stayed in it for 8 years. I still love my EX husband with all my heart, but Al Anon helped me face some truths about myself and my situation. HE and I still (10 years later) have a great relationship, but I decided I could not live with him and take care of my kids and myself. He is an alclholic, won't keep a steady job and always puts his wants and needs ahead of everyone else. I finally realized that if I continued to allow it, he would lay on the couch and drink himself to death. i loved him too much to do that. It was really hard, but Al Anon gave me the moral support to do whatever I decided was best. Guess what. As soon as I quit buying his beer and cigarettes and coming home from work and feeding him and washing his clothes and buying gas for his car, he got a job. Having a job cut down on his drinking significantly. When he was gone, I was able to learn to love myself enough to not get into that same situation with another man. I am a nuturer. I love to help people, but I had to learn that some people are takers and always put themselves first. If I put them first and they put themselves first, no one is taking care of me. Please find Al Anon, they will not tell you what to do, but they will share their experiences with you and give you emotional support to do what you deicde is best.

I am 42yrs old, I was once your age I went through the same thing at the age of 21. I finally left the lazy BUM. When seeing him on the streets. He would say I wouldn't make it in life. Met a gentleman and got married and I am happily married. Even now I pass him in my car. He was riding his bike then and he's still riding a bike at the age of 42 years old.

Good Luck to you A.. You are a stronger person that you think you are.

First of all if he act this way dont trust him with your baby second of all he need to get out. I understand where you coming from I'm a single mom that works and ihave raise my 14 month baby since day one. Guess what i'm still alive. He wont change until he see that you are serius and ready to move on with your life because your are just a joke for him does not matter what he said. good luck with your decision. But please dont live him alone with your child you dont know how much damage are you doing to your kid by living him alone with him.

I haven't been in your exact situation but I have dated men that were no good.
What should you do? You said "He doesn't want a commitment and he acts like he hates me." With that statement alone, I think you know what you should do.

Kick him to the curb. You deserve better than that. He is obviously not interested in being with you or being a good father. Don't walk, run away from this relationship because it's not good for you or your baby.

A.,

I have been in your shoes and know the road you are going down. One word - STOP! This is not good for your 13 month old and not good for you. You are the most important person to your child. Your son depends on you. He should be priority one in your life. With this said, know that you cannot force a relationship of any kind from this man. Not one with his son, not one with you. Know that a relationship between him and his son is NOT a relationship with you. It is horrible when one heart loves and the other doesn't return it. The heart wants what it/who wants. You have got to get your priorities straight and your head. Your son deserves this. You deserve this. This will not be the only man in your life. Be strong. Let me suggest making a list of the qualities you want out of life and out of a mate. Then take a long truthful look at man that is straining you financially and emotionally. Then summon up the courage and go to a lawyer, file for support (he will play nice to keep what he has going on) and kick his butt to the curb. The last thing the two of you need is an alcoholic leach draining your lives. If he really wants to prove he is the man of the house, then he will clean up his act, get a job and leave the booze behind. I know these are tough words and I will be praying for you. Strong women don't let bad men pull them down and if they find themselves in that situation they don't stay down. Find the strength, be strong and love yourself. If you don't love yourself, no-one else will. Let me just add, I tried to force a relationship between my son and his biological father. He is emotionally scared. It would have been better for him to have never known this man. It took me 5 years to get over this guy. I know the road you are on and it is not an easy one, but the great news is you are in charge of your destiny and can make the turn onto a better road for you and your son. God bless and keep you and your son, ya'll be in my prayers.